by Renee Porter
I took a peak over to El who was engaged in a conversation with Marshall. The way her hands moved with her emotions and her smile forced in some ways, made me realize she was ‘working’. Her glance moved back and forth from Marshall to Daniel and back to Marshall. Her heart and soul was in whatever she was saying and for the life of me I wondered why it mattered so much for her to persuade Marshall into whatever she was saying.
Maybe, just maybe, she wanted out just as bad as I knew Daniel did?
“You know, you always rejected me. But now, I can say, that if you go out with me, you’ll never reject me again…”
I looked over to Langston who just so happened to break me out of my daze. It was amazing that this kid didn’t understand that I just didn’t go out with guys. Was it really that hard to understand?
“Langston, just get over it, huh? She’s a lesbian. She doesn’t like you and you can’t change that. And you know what? Even if she wasn’t a lesbian, I wouldn’t approve anyway.” I looked up at Justin who pushed Langston back in his chair. The man looked hurt, well both men, actually.
I didn’t even stay long enough to hear Langston’s protest. Instead, I followed Justin into the kitchen where he stood at the sink. His eyes glued to the bon fire as I slowly made myself known.
“What’s going on with you?” I asked. Justin scoffed as he shook his head.
“It’s not supposed to be this way.” Justin said simply. For most of my life, Justin had always been the easy one. He didn’t let things get to him and when they did, he always rolled them off his shoulders after a few minutes. I had never seen him so perturbed in my life.
“What?”
“Her.” Justin shook his head again. “It was supposed to be me. We always talked about it, but…” for a moment I thought I saw a tear but Justin looked away. “I was going to ask her to marry me. I was going to ask her to be a part of my family but now she’s having some kid who will never have a father and…” This time, Justin didn’t turn his head as a tear fell.
I moved next to him and put my hand on his shoulder. “You really love her, don’t you?” I didn’t understand it, but I could accept it at least. If Justin really loved Madison, then he shouldn’t be hurting like this. They should be together.
“I do,” Justin sniffled and tried to have his face. I shook my head as I looked out across the fire at Madison. Her own gaze stared directly into the flames. I could see a scared girl, raising a child alone with no one on her side.
“What about the father?”
Again, Justin scoffed. “What father? The guy just fucked her and left.”
I winced at his choice of words and drew his attention to me. “You and Madison have always been something Justin. And if you still feel this way about her, even after everything that has happened, well, maybe that baby doesn’t have to grow up without a dad in her life.” I held his gaze as understanding set in. Justin pursed his lips and nodded, letting me know that he would at least think about it.
“What about you?” Justin asked after a few moments of silence.
“What about me?” I fingered the empty glass in my hand as I tried to look cool and collected.
“You know what I’m talking about, Jay. You can’t tell me that it doesn’t hurt you just seeing them together.”
I looked where Justin was motioning and chuckled sarcastically. “Of course I don’t care. El is free to do what she wants.”
That’s when Justin smiled like the Cheshire cat. “I wasn’t talking about El. I was talking about Daniel and Marshall and how he seemed to be stealing your best friend.” Again, I looked over to the group and indeed, Daniel was chatting up Marshall, very closely might I add.
“So, since they’re a thing and El and Daniel actually aren’t a thing…”
“Don’t tell anyone, okay Justin?”
Justin nodded his head, but his grin remained. “So, tell me, what’s going on with you and El?”
“Nothing.” I steeled my eyes into his own. Justin could always read me like a book, but this time I wasn’t giving away anything. But really, what was there to give away in the first place?
“You’re serious?”
“Of course.” I pushed my hip off the kitchen seat and sat down in the nearby kitchen table chair. “El and I haven’t been anything for a very long time.”
“Hmm,” Justin said as he turned more toward me. “I could have sworn it was something more.”
“Please. El is…well, she…” I stuttered and didn’t finish my sentence. Instead, Justin nodded in my direction and placed his hand on my own shoulder.
“Walk me out? Will ya?” I nodded and followed Justin out the front door. He turned to me on the porch steps and gave me one of his crooked, boyish, grins.
“It’s always been me and Madison, you know?” Justin said. At that moment I knew he had made his decision. But I also knew he needed time to come to terms with it. I nodded at him and smiled, although I also knew he wasn’t finished.
“And it’s always been you and El. We all think so,” he motioned to the backyard. “El and Daniel aren’t a couple. You could see that from a mile away. And she is always searching for you, you know that?”
My throat closed as the sting of tears threatened to make themselves known. I felt Justin hug me but I didn’t remember when he got in his car and left. I didn’t remember sitting on the porch steps alone. I didn’t remember feeling numb or lost or alone. Because I’m sure all of those things happened.
No. In fact, the only thing I remembered was when I felt someone behind me and the sound of her voice as it echoed in the cool of the night.
“What are you doing out here, alone?”
I still had that damn empty glass in my hand and it was soon replaced with a new beer. I looked up at El who smiled softly in the night. If there wasn’t a soft light coming through the porch window, I would think she was a ghost. Just an apparition and not even truly there.
“I was saying goodbye to Justin.”
El sat against the other side of the railing, just close enough for me to smell the perfume of her hair in the warm breeze. “Justin left over an hour ago.” I could tell she was worried. Was that weird? For me to know exactly what she was feeling, even though we lost touch so long ago?
“Really? An hour?” I was surprised at the time shift myself. Maybe staring at that singular star in the sky allowed me to develop some type of time warp. In fact, this whole night seemed like a time warp. Maybe, just maybe, there was some sort of weird tear in the space-time continuum. I read that it could happen, possibly.
El didn’t comment but I could feel her looking at me. I took a swig of my bear and placed it down. Then I picked it back up and started to play with the label. Did she remember I couldn’t keep still when I was nervous?
“So, Dan and Marshall took off down the beach about twenty minutes ago.”
Thank you. Thank you for giving me something to focus on, El. “Really? That’s good. Right?”
El chuckled and I felt my resolve break a little. It was the same laugh that I heard so long ago. We were kids then, just watching television in the living room. She was awkward, and so was I. Now El was the exact opposite, and well, I was still awkward. The only change was that I learned how to hide that side of me.
“How would this work?” I said aloud. And I also nearly chucked my bottle across the driveway in the same sense. Did I really say that?
“What? How would what work?” El asked. I shook my head with a nervous laugh.
“Dan and Marshall. If they got back together? How would that work for you both?” Nice save, Jay.
I watched El exhale and scoot closer to me. She grabbed the bottle out of my hand and took her own long drink.
“We just announce that we broke up. Our careers were taking us down different paths and that we both love each other as friends.”
“Is that true?” I asked. I had to know how El really felt. Did she love Dan just as a friend? Or was it something more?
“But you both still tried?” I was trying to sound sincere, and I truthfully was, even though I needed to know where El’s head was.
El took another long swig of the beer and handed it back to me.
“I wouldn’t say tried so to say. I was in a position where the band wasn’t marketing very well. I had met Dan a few times since we had mutual friends and he said he was always a fan. Next thing I know we started to go out more frequently. The band got more recognition, he started getting better gigs, it was a win-win to just…”
“Fall in love?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. El wasn’t the type of person to just date someone to get more fans. But maybe she was now. That thought hurt more than I thought it would. Maybe El wasn’t the woman I had been pining over all of these years.
El didn’t answer. Instead she gave me a sad smile. “I can’t fall any further than I already have.”
The rip in my heart could have been audible if it weren’t for the loud, steady beat heard in my ears. So El was in love with Dan. And here I was trying to make sure that they broke up so I could have another chance? When had I become that person?
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Again, I looked up at the star and it twinkled dimming so minutely only to appear even brighter than before. I had always thought my life would follow that pattern, but maybe I was a star already close to the end. It felt like every moment passing I only grew dimmer and dimmer.
“You don’t have to be. I always knew Dan would find someone new. He tried, but there was always someone else, you know?”
I did. I did know but it was too painful to say anything at that moment.
“So what is next for you?” I had to change the subject. Being the person to break another’s heart was too overwhelming for me. I didn’t want El if she yearned for someone else.
El leaned back on her elbows, keeping her dark blue eyes ahead of her. “We have a world tour coming up. Don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret.” El gave me a crooked grin and I playfully rolled my eyes. Placing my head in my hand I leaned into myself.
“That’s great. I’ve always wanted to see Europe.”
“You should try to make it out to a show. You know that you’re always welcome.”
I almost scoffed but I held it in.
“Me? And leave the comfort of good old Cali? You must think I’m a daredevil.”
El gave a forced laugh and I wonder if I said something I wasn’t supposed to. She knew that I couldn’t just leave my store or my life, just to travel Europe alone.
Before saying anything more, a high pitched giggle and deep laugh sounded from our right. Dan and Marshall made their appearance, even if they didn’t know that anyone but the two of them were even alive. I heard El sigh heavily. It was easy to see that they belonged together. It was natural, happy, they looked like they were meant to be.
Suddenly, Justin’s thoughts rang through my head but I shook them out. El obviously was over whatever we had in the past and had moved on, easily enough. I believed, at that moment, it was enough for me to move on too. And as I stared at Dan and Marshall, hand in hand watching El’s hair waving in the light breeze, I also believed that at a time, El and I were meant to be. But that time had passed.
Summer finally came to an end and as the heat waned so did El. I saw her fewer and fewer times and finally, one day she was gone. Not too long after, the public erupted with the breakup of the Hollywood couple, only to announce Solithane’s grand World Tour. El said she would keep in touch, and although I liked to believe that she would, we both knew it wouldn’t happen. With the time changes and life changes, we were out of synch, yet again.
I only hoped that one day, life would finally be something that was as grandiose as we had both planned.
Chapter 23
“I could vomit.” I pinched my nose at the display in front of me and I felt Natalia squeeze my arm. She chuckled with that raspy, low tone and a shiver sent straight through my spine.
“You’re not happy with the display?” Again, I looked over at the two love birds and my heart melted, ever so slightly. Okay, so I was just pretending when I said I felt like puking.
It had been almost a full year since Marshall and Dan had found each other again and every day since then they only seemed to grow more and more in love. And, also, much to my own happiness, decided to finally take Natalia on her offer to go out.
I was so happy in love too, that I couldn’t even breathe.
Okay, well maybe not breathe, and maybe not totally 100% in love but I was getting there. Natalia was beautiful, with her dark hair and green eyes that seemed to bore into your every being with every look.
Not to mention that our private time together was off the charts amazing. Sometimes. When we had enough time together to even be alone. But when it happened, it was great. Good? Okay, so I might be overstating, but there was that one time…
“Have you thought about next Wednesday at all?”
I peeled my eyes away from the happy couple in front of me and turned toward Natalia. She bit her lip ever so slightly and I forced myself to stay in the moment.
“I have…”
“And?”
There were a few breaths that I fought hard to contain. Natalia bit the cherry from her drink and I gulped loudly.
“I think I’ll go forward with the meeting.” Natalia’s smile grew wide and predatory.
“Good. I think it really is the best thing for the brand.”
“I know, you keep telling me.” I tried to force a smile from behind my worry and I think I did a good job at pretending I was okay.
Natalia had eventually stopped pressuring me into partnering with Quarters. It was actually a stipulation I had if she really wanted to date me.
For the first few months, she barely mentioned her job, let alone the partnership. But then one night, after the night, she asked if I would entertain the idea of a meeting with her boss. The damn President of Marketing of the whole western region. At first I said no, then she did that thing with her…well you get the idea. And suddenly, the idea of partnering with the company didn’t seem all that bad. Natalia had no reason to lie to me. There were a lot of companies that boomed after their partnership with Quarters. I could be next.
“So then I’ll set it up? Officially?” I felt her hand go from the tip of my knee, slowly up to my thigh. I groaned a yes and while I envisioned her hand climbing farther up, the warmth was gone and Natalia stood from the table. “Great. I’ll call Tom and get it started.” I watched Natalia grab her things.
“Where are you going?” I asked almost in a whine. It wasn’t my fault. She had teased me and now there was nothing. Natalia motioned over to the boys and then to me.
“You know how PDA makes me feel. Ew.” She tried to say it cutely and I pouted in kind. “Don’t pout. You’re a grown woman. In fact, you’re going to be a very rich grown women, and rich, grown women don’t pout.” She smiled, gave my shoulder a squeeze and I followed her body out of the small bar.
I sat there for a moment trying to compose myself. What had just happened? For a second I thought I had just been played, but that couldn’t be true, could it? Natalia wouldn’t do that to me. She was interested in me. She said she was falling in love with me. Or that’s what she at least told me last night…
“Oh my god. Oh my god!!!!” A screech sounded from a few yards in front of me as a group of people started to gather around the small dance floor. I knew that high pitched scream in an instance. “Yes! Of course yes!”
I saw Marshall’s head jumping in and out of the growing crowd who was now applauding. And that’s when I saw it. The glint of the ring in the bright lights. Marshall grabbing Dan who was whispering in his ear. Marshall meeting my eyes, mouth agape and showing off the ring in the distance.
They were engaged. My best friend was engaged to the man of
his dreams. And all of a sudden, my world came crashing down.
I should have been happy, and I was. But there was something else. A sense of foreboding that I didn’t want to look that deeply into.
“Can you believe it?! He proposed!” Marshall managed to say as he finally made his way through the crowd to me. I looked at Dan over Marshall’s shoulder and gave him an honest smile. I knew they both loved each other and I knew this was the next natural progression. But was this right time? We were only just getting to know each other.
“That’s so amazing! I’m so happy for you both!”
“Do you realize what this means?” Marshall kept his eyes on me as a million things rolled through my head. You’re leaving the store. You’re going to travel the world with your new husband and leave me behind.
“What?” I was breathless, yet smiling. I never realized how much I needed Marshall until that moment when I knew that it was no longer just me and him anymore.
“You’re my best man! Well, wo-man.” Marshall smiled at me, that genuine, gorgeous, happy smile and I melted. I was so much into losing him I didn’t realize that this was coming sooner or later. And nothing, not even miles in between us would change our friendship or love for one another.
“Really?”
“Of course! What? You thought I had some other hot, sexy best friend?” I heard Dan clear his throat as Marshall rolled his eyes. “Besides the other groom of course.”
“Of course,” I said answering him. It was a no brainer that I would be by Marshall’s side on the day that he vowed his life to another.
Marshall smiled as he took me in his arms and swung me around. My world spun around and around as blue melded into green and then back again. My world was changing and I wasn’t sure if it was for the better or not. But at least it was a change, and that was something very welcome.
***
“What do you mean August? That’s in two months!” I huffed over the phone as I attempted to balance the plastic between my ear and shoulder whilst tucking my white blouse into my pants.