by Dana Corbit
“When were you planning to tell me this?”
Caroline blinked as the hurt in his voice filtered through her senses. Anger she’d expected, but she hadn’t prepared herself for the hurt. “You know that I’ve been in a job search ever since I came back to Markston. I couldn’t work without an income indefinitely. I just haven’t had any solid leads until this one.”
“How long have you known about the interview?”
“Just a few days. Really.”
“Since before the July Fourth holiday? Since before yesterday?”
Caroline coughed into her hand. He was right, of course. He’d deserved the reminder that she was only in Markston a short time before he invested himself in a relationship that was temporary at best.
“I should have told you, but I didn’t know anything for certain—I still don’t—so I didn’t mention it.” She’d lied to herself that it wouldn’t matter.
“And you’re still going to the interview, even with Mom and Haley both in the hospital?”
“This interview was hard enough to get. If I ask to reschedule it, they might decide they don’t want to talk to me after all.”
He didn’t say anything for the longest time, and when he finally spoke up, his voice sounded strange. “I just can’t believe you would still want to leave. After…everything.”
“Logan, I—”
“I care about you, Caroline. More than I ever expected to care about anyone.” His tone suggested he wasn’t happy about the situation. “And as I told Matthew, I have lousy timing, what with Mom’s condition and Haley’s baby and even Dylan and Jenna’s yet-to-be-announced, rescheduled wedding.”
Caroline opened her mouth to interrupt him, to stop the words that squeezed her heart like an angry fist, but Logan shook his head.
“Let me finish. This is about more than how I feel about you.” He fisted his hands against the legs of his dress pants. “I think you care about me, too. We owe it to ourselves to explore the possibility of a real relationship between us. This could be the real thing. We’ll never find out with you in Chicago and me in Markston.”
Her heart raced. So this was what it was like to want something desperately and to be just as sure that it would be the worst thing in the world for her.
“I do…care about you.” She choked on the words, as she was tempted to say what was really in her heart. “It’s just complicated. I’ve told you before that I have these king-sized ambitions that will never mix with a home and family. I just lost sight of that for a little while.”
“Stop it. You can keep on lying to yourself, but don’t lie to me.”
Caroline had just lifted her lukewarm tea from the table, and his words startled her so much that her hand jerked, sending light brown liquid sloshing over the side of the cup onto the carpet. Logan was up in a flash, hurrying into the kitchen and returning with a roll of paper towels. He sopped up the liquid. “Look. As good as new.”
She nodded, sorry that their relationship could never be as good as new again. They would be blessed if they could salvage any sort of friendship from the train wreck she’d been responsible for creating.
He took the towels into the kitchen and tossed them in the garbage. When he returned, he sat in the same spot he’d been in before and turned to face her.
“I’m not lying to myself,” she couldn’t help saying though she realized she was bringing up a subject again that she should allow to die.
“Aren’t you?” He tilted his head and studied her. “You’ve been using your career aspirations as a way to hide from life. With that excuse, you can hide from relationships and from the chance that anyone would ever hurt you again.”
“You’ve got it wrong.” She didn’t look up at him as she said it.
“I don’t think so. You’re talking to a master at avoiding relationships. I used to be, anyway. You’re better than I ever was. At least I knew why I was doing it.”
Until then, Caroline had been listening to his words, not quite believing but not able to deny what he’d said. Now, though, she was angry, and she couldn’t help striking back.
“You think you know me, but you don’t know anything about me.” She crossed her arms as she faced him, her hands fisted beneath opposite elbows. “This is all so easy for you to say. You might have had to give up your safety net of always having a revolving door of first dates to build a relationship with one person, but no one has asked you to give up your life for a relationship.”
“Is that what you think I’m asking you to do? What if I’m asking you to really live your life?”
“We’ve been on one date, and you’re expecting me to move back to Markston. You’re just like Kevin, expecting me to give up everything for you.”
This time Logan stood up from the couch and started pacing, his anger visible in his jerky movements.
“That wasn’t fair,” she said in a quiet voice.
He stopped and looked back at her over his shoulder. “No, it wasn’t. From what you’ve said about him, I hope I’m nothing like him.”
“But you did tell me you care about me, and then you’re asking me to choose between you and the goals I’ve had all of my life. It’s so easy for you to ask me to throw away all of my dreams.”
“If that’s what you think, then maybe you should go back to Chicago. You’ll fulfill all your dreams there.”
Instead of saying more, he stalked across the room to the slider, where he could stare outside. Caroline tried to see what he saw, but the darkness outside was obscured by fog as heavy as her heart. She’d made her decision, and she was prepared to live with it. So why did it feel as if she’d just made the biggest mistake of her life?
At the sound of the garage door opening, Caroline started. Dylan had been able to convince her mother to finally come home after all.
Trina came through the door in a rush as if Caroline were still a teenager and she’d broken the rules by having a boy in the house when no parent was home.
“Oh, good. You’re still here, Logan,” she managed though she sounded out of breath. “I wanted to talk to you two.”
Caroline’s blood went cold for the umpteenth time in a single day. What if she’d been having this selfish conversation while Mrs. Warren’s or Haley’s health was taking a downturn? How would she ever forgive herself?
Logan turned back from the window and then strode toward her. “Are they both all right?”
“They’re doing fine in our Lord’s hands. The doctors are even cautiously optimistic about Amy’s condition, and Haley’s resting comfortably.”
“You’ve had an awful lot to handle today, haven’t you, Mom?” Caroline stood up and crossed to her mother, wrapping her arms around her though Trina would never have asked for a hug. She only hoped her mother benefited from it as much as she had.
“If everyone’s okay, then why did you want to talk to us?” Logan wanted to know.
“I didn’t get the chance to talk to either of you this morning about your new relationship, and this afternoon it was too crazy with postponing the wedding and—”
“It’s okay, Mom. You don’t have to say anything. We understood that you and Mrs. Warren didn’t see this as a good match, and we know you had your reasons.”
“No matter what we thought, I want to hear the whole story of how you ended up together.”
Caroline couldn’t help but look at her mother strangely. She didn’t seem as upset about a relationship between the two of them as Caroline would have expected.
“It’s a long story,” Caroline began.
“It doesn’t matter now,” Logan added.
Trina frowned at them, looking as annoyed as she had that first day when the two of them argued over who should run the bakery. “Would you two listen to yourselves? I think we were right when we decided that you were the two most infuriating people who ever lived. What I’m trying to say is—”
But Logan must not have been ready to hear whatever she had to say because he waved a hand
in front of her to interrupt her. “Don’t worry, Mrs. Scott. There is not an us. There’s nothing left to tell.”
Chapter Fifteen
Early the next morning, while the Markston streets were still deserted, Logan unlocked back door of Amy’s Elite Treats. It would have been a waste of time, anyway, for him stay in bed longer, telling himself sleep would eventually come.
For the first time in six weeks, his chest wasn’t filled with anticipation over the prospect of seeing Caroline at the bakery. No use wasting energy on something that wouldn’t be happening. She wouldn’t be in today, and by afternoon, she would be out of Markston altogether.
Again a hollow hopelessness spread through his insides like low cloud cover on a dreary day. Had his life only now become this empty, or had it always been a void until Caroline had come along to magnify the vacuum? He shook his head. The answer to that question didn’t matter. The only thing that did matter was that she wasn’t with him.
So this was what it felt like to have his heart crushed. This must have been how his mother had felt when his father had left, and he wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on his worst enemy. No matter how much he’d always worried that he might hurt someone the way his father had, Logan could admit to himself now that he’d dreaded this possibility even more.
But with Caroline he’d forgotten to be afraid, hadn’t thought to take the most basic precautions to protect his heart. She’d made him feel invincible, and even now, even after he’d learned how bitter the taste of rejection could be, he didn’t regret taking the chance.
He couldn’t have resisted her if he’d tried, anyway. He’d been crazy about her from that first day when she’d marched into the bakery and announced her takeover bid.
He was to blame for her leaving. He’d known how difficult it had been for her to take a risk on him. After claiming he knew her better than anyone else did, he’d pushed her to relieve his own insecurities instead of respecting that she’d been upset over his mother’s and Haley’s conditions. He might have had her with him a few days longer, but instead he had sent her rushing back to Chicago two days before her big interview.
He glanced around the dark kitchen that appeared even emptier than usual with its pans and utensils all in their proper places. How would he ever be able to come to work here inputting inventory figures or overseeing wedding cake prep without wondering what Caroline would have thought about a flour order or one of Kamie’s or Margie’s newest creations?
He might have learned that he wasn’t like his father, but he’d behaved like Caroline’s former fiancé. Given her history, how could he even have considered asking her to walk away from her life in Chicago for him? Could he really love her and yet ask her to give up so much for him?
If he hadn’t been so demanding, he might have found a way for them to still have some sort of relationship once she returned to Chicago. Instead, she was gone for good, and he was alone, the way he deserved to be.
They were at an impasse, and he knew it. One would have to forfeit her dreams, or the other would have to give up his home and obligations. Neither was right or fair.
Lord, why did You lead me to Caroline, the most impossible woman who ever lived? And why now, the worst time for our families?
But even as he asked the questions in prayer, Logan realized he already knew the answers to them. This woman was the only one God had intended for him, and this was the one time he was ready to recognize it.
What had seemed like an impasse no longer felt like an impossibility. There had to be a solution, not necessarily an easy one but a solution nonetheless. Turning into the office, he powered up his mother’s laptop. He had an Internet search to begin and only a few hours before the employees started arriving. He could only hope that some job opening in Chicago called for a forestry degree.
He understood that it might not be possible to overcome the obstacles that kept them apart or that Caroline might not think he was worth the effort, but he had to try.
Caroline paused to wipe her fingers along her lash lines before entering her second patient room of the morning. Haley hadn’t bought any of her excuses for having swollen eyes any more than their mother had at the house so Caroline hoped Mrs. Warren would let her off easier.
Logan’s mother had been too preoccupied to know anything about her son’s budding romance, so Caroline didn’t see any reason to tell her about it now that it had died before reaching full bloom.
“Hel-lo,” Amy called out when she caught sight of Caroline in the doorway.
“Oh, you’re awake.” She hurried over to Amy’s bed and bent to kiss her cheek. “You’re looking so much better today. I’m so pleased that they already moved you to a regular room.”
She lowered into the seat next to the bed and gripped Amy’s hand between her two.
“More observation. Less machines.”
“That’s wonderful. Mom told me that doctors’ concerns about a major stroke decrease with each day that passes.”
Amy nodded. “They said that.”
Logan’s mother seemed to be watching her too closely, so Caroline glanced out the window. As dark and hopeless as she felt today, it should have been raining outside, yet the sunshine and clear skies were relentless.
“Haley?”
“She’s fine,” Caroline assured her. “Her OB told Matthew he could take her home later today, but she’ll be on bed rest until she delivers.”
“Tough with Lizzie.”
Caroline nodded. “Yes, it will be tough, but we’ll all pitch in to— I mean, the family will help her out.”
“Not you?”
Caroline was surprised that Mrs. Warren had picked up on the layers in her comment. She’d expected the mini-strokes to cause a major setback in the woman’s recovery, but it didn’t appear as if Amy had lost much ground.
Amy didn’t ask another question, but she stared for so long that Caroline found herself filling the silence with an explanation.
“I have to get back to Chicago. I have a promising interview on Wednesday, and I want to get back to my apartment so I can prepare for it. I already packed the car. I just wanted to stop by to visit you and Haley before I got on the road.”
Caroline glanced out the window again and back at Amy. “It’s been nice being here, but I’m looking forward to going home again.”
“Home…is Markston.”
Caroline narrowed her gaze at Logan’s mother, convinced the woman had confused what she was saying. “No. Remember, Mrs. Warren. I live in Chicago. That’s home. I’ve only been visiting Markston.”
“Logan?”
At the sound of his name, Caroline blinked, and her throat clogged with emotion. She reminded herself that Mrs. Warren was the only member of their families who hadn’t seen Logan and her together. With Mrs. Warren’s clipped speech patterns, she could have been asking from any number of things, so Caroline tried to guess which one.
“Are you asking if he’ll be in the bakery today? I’m sure he will.” She cleared her throat. “I won’t be there after this, but he’s fully capable of running the business alone. He always was.”
“Not…asking that.”
“Then are you wanting to know if he’ll be in to visit you today? He probably will. He’ll want to celebrate how well you’re doing.”
But Amy only shook her head.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Warren. I don’t understand what you’re asking.”
Amy pulled her hand from between Caroline’s two and then patted the young woman’s arm. “Logan and you.”
“Oh. I didn’t know you knew.” She wanted to demand to know how she knew, but the news about the two of them hadn’t been a secret. Any one of their siblings could have mentioned something to Amy when they’d taken turns visiting with her.
Caroline crossed her arms in a protective self-hug. “Yes, Logan and I thought there might be possibilities between us, but we realized we weren’t good together.”
“Wrong. My son…is in love…with yo
u.”
Caroline could only stare at her. It was one of the clearest comments she’d heard Mrs. Warren make since the initial stroke. Logan hadn’t even said those specific words to Caroline himself, but her heart ached with the knowledge that his mother was right.
The tears she promised herself she wouldn’t cry came out of nowhere and streamed down her face. She wiped at them, but the tears kept coming.
“Don’t cry,” Amy said, reaching over to touch her arm.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Finding a box of tissues on the table next to the bed, Caroline pulled out several and started dabbing.
“Think you do.”
Wadding a tissue in her fist, Caroline looked back to her. “You’re right. I love him, too. I haven’t even told him that. But I have my own life. There are so many things I’ve worked for, all these goals I haven’t met yet.”
Mrs. Warren nodded as if it all made sense to her. “Will you be…fulfilled…to have it all—” She stopped in middle of her question as if to regroup or find the words and then she tried again. “If there’s no one…to share it with?”
All those words must have been tiring for Mrs. Warren, because she reached her good hand up to rub her eyes.
“You’re tired, sweetie.” Caroline brushed Amy’s hair back from her face. “Why don’t you rest for a while. I’ll get going now.”
“Logan?” she asked one last time.
Caroline shook her head. “I don’t know.”
After hugging Amy, Caroline hurried out of the room, somehow managing not to run. Once she was in the hallway, she sagged against the wall, Mrs. Warren’s speech ringing in her ears. Her mouth felt dry and her pulse pounded inside her head.
Did she really want to “have it all”? No. She didn’t even care about the job search she’d been pursuing with the desperation of one who had something to prove. Logan was right. She hadn’t been trying to have it all. She’d been hiding from it all. Running and hiding.
“I don’t want it all.”