Now that he knew the truth about her, he found himself hoping the culprits didn’t show up tonight. He wanted to get her home without incident and would have to think up a good excuse for their change in plans. It didn’t take him long to come up with an idea that wouldn’t be a lie, only the timing of it would be since he’d tentatively scheduled it for a few days from now.
It was going to be a long, agonizing night.
* * *
AVERY’S QUIET SOBS soaked her pillow. A few minutes ago she’d suffered a flashback. She’d jerked away from his touch like she’d been taught to do in her self-defense class and had offended him deeply. How could she have cried out like that for him to stop when he’d been nothing but wonderful to her? He’d asked about her work and encouraged her to tell her stories. He’d asked for her help on this case. She’d never been so flattered in her life.
Though she wasn’t afraid of him, he didn’t know that, not after what she’d done. Her reaction had been pure reflex because she feared he might discover she was carrying a handgun. Then he’d want to know why and she wouldn’t be able to lie to him with conviction.
For him to know the truth of what had happened to her would kill her.
She could still see those gorgeous blue eyes staring up at her with the most painful expression she’d ever seen. He’d already been so hurt by his wife, by the war, by the death of his brother and parents. He’d told her things about his personal life and had confided in her.
Now she’d hurt him and she couldn’t stand it. She needed to make it up to him, but how?
For the rest of the night she sat propped by the window and watched for activity. But if Zane called to her, she didn’t hear him. When she next became aware of her surroundings, the sun was out and she was slumped in a corner of the bed with the goggles lying at her side. Sorrow engulfed her. She couldn’t even keep watch with him through the night.
After closing and locking the window, she moved down the ladder with the goggles. There was no sign of Zane. Once she’d packed them in the case still lying on the table, she freshened up in the bathroom. Her hair needed a good brushing and she could use some lipstick so she wouldn’t look so pale.
When she opened the trailer door, she could see him in the distance talking to the home owner. Had he even been to bed? She glanced at her watch. It was eight-thirty. The first thing she needed to do was apologize to him, but he was taking so long to come back she started to get nervous.
They’d bought bagels and cream cheese. She could get out those items and make coffee for when he got back. As she was pouring it into mugs, he walked into the trailer wearing a green pullover and jeans. His five o’clock shadow only enhanced his male appeal. Their eyes met. His troubled gaze searched hers for a fleeting moment.
“Good morning, Avery.” His voice sounded an octave lower first thing in the morning.
“Good morning.” She put the pot back on the stove. “I’m so sorry I let you down last night,” she blurted.
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t help you. I fell asleep and feel awful about it.”
“If I’d needed you, I would have woken you up. It turns out we didn’t have visitors last night. I’ve talked to the owner of this field and he’s going to do a watch with the other owner tonight, so we can head back to the ranch whenever you’re ready.”
Avery’s stomach scrunched up in renewed pain that he wanted to take her home today. Who could blame him? “Aren’t you hungry? I fixed us some breakfast.”
“Thank you. It looks delicious.” He sat down and ate three bagels and drank two cups of coffee. She was thankful he had an appetite at least.
“Was it the owner’s idea or yours about tonight’s arrangement?” she asked. “Because if you’ve decided to leave now instead of waiting until tomorrow, then I know it’s my fault.”
He flicked her a veiled glance. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes you do, but you’re too much of a gentleman to remind me of my bad behavior. We both know I was rude to you last night, but you have to know I didn’t mean to be. I feel like such a fool. Please don’t change your plans. You made all these arrangements with Connor for the use of the trailer and I really want to stay and help.”
“Avery—”
“I know you couldn’t have gotten any sleep last night,” she broke in on him. “Why don’t you go to bed and sleep through the day. I’ll sit outside the trailer on one of the loungers and read while I sunbathe. No one’s going to come to the field in daylight. Tonight you can be on watch again and I’ll sleep. That way the owners don’t have to stay up.”
He shook his head. “I had every intention of following through with our original plan until I received an email this morning from the Billings office. My boss wants me there at the crack of dawn tomorrow on official business. That’s why I’m taking you home now. If I have an early night tonight, I can be up early and make that appointment on time.”
Avery didn’t believe him, not for a second, but she refused to say or do anything else to offend him. “Of course. Official business has to come first. I’ll just clean up the kitchen and we can take off.”
They worked together, gathering their things, then left the trailer and got in the truck. Zane started it up and they drove on through the private access road to the other side of the field. Tomorrow she’d be back here again working with the crew. None of them would know what she’d been doing out here with Zane.
All the time she fought tears during the drive home, he told her about the new case that required his presence in Billings. “It seems that vandals have blown up a lot of BLM signs, including the one for the Shepherd Ah Nei Recreation Area. The amount of repairs has escalated to the tune of thirty-thousand dollars.”
“That’s horrible.”
“And the costs are still going up,” he said. “It’s taking away the recreation fund that has been set up. My boss fears all the vandalism, including that at Absarokee, is related. He’s putting a task force together and wants input from the agents. That’s why I have to go in tomorrow.”
Maybe she’d been wrong and he was telling the truth. Right now she was so devastated by her behavior and confused, she didn’t know what to think. “I hope you catch them.”
“It’s a never ending battle, Avery.”
“I know.”
He leaned back in the seat. “Until we get back to the ranch, how about entertaining me with another one of your Spirits of the River stories.”
Zane was kind to a fault, trying to make good from a bad situation. If she did nothing else, she could play along and try to forget what happened last night.
“One of the men on the reservation named Long Hair told me about three spirits his ancestor saw in the Little Bighorn River. They were creatures who played in the water like children. At first he thought they were children, but they were spirits.
“While he sat on his horse to watch, a flash of lightning lashed the water into foam and dazzled the man. His horse reared in fright and threw him. When he got up, the spirits were gone, but he could follow the track of the flash by a muddy line in the water. The spirits had been in the lake at the head of the Little Bighorn.”
Zane darted her a glance. “Every bit of Crow knowledge is useful. I’m indebted to you. Thank you for going out there with me last night. Stakeouts can get lonely. It was enjoyable for me. If I had a partner like you, I wouldn’t mind going out on one every night of the week.”
“I enjoyed it, too. Especially looking through those goggles. They’d be fun to take on a hike after dark in the Pryors. Wouldn’t it be awesome to watch the wild horses running through the gullies? With their manes flowing, there’s no more beautiful sight on earth. Imagine them in the moonlight.”
“I’ll talk to your brothers. We’ll have to get a group of us toge
ther and do it.”
Avery didn’t want to be a part of that group if he were to bring someone else along. During the stakeout she’d discovered one unassailable truth. She’d lost her heart so completely to Zane, her life would never be the same again.
* * *
MONDAY MORNING ZANE sat in the waiting room on standby status for three hours until Dr. Lindstrom could fit him in. When the nurse finally called his name, a frantic Zane rushed into his office.
“Thank you for fitting me in on your lunch hour. I’ll make it worth your time.”
“Forget that.” The doctor told him to sit down. “Are you suffering from another flashback?”
“No.” Zane sat forward with his hands clasped between his legs. “This is something completely different. I’m in love with a woman I met a year ago. I believe she loves me, but she has boundaries I’ve never been able to cross.
“Because of her behavior I’ve suspected she has a form of PTSD. By accident I discovered she’s carrying a weapon in a holster shirt. It supports my theory that she’s been assaulted. Through her family I’ve learned that she rarely dates. After talking to her brothers, we assume the assault must have happened eight years ago.”
“Does she know you know?”
“Not yet. That’s why I’m here. Night before last I was helping her up a ladder when she cried out in reaction and did a self-defense move on me she had to have learned from a professional. Before I fell back to give her space, I could feel the weapon under her arm. She apologized for reacting like that but didn’t explain.”
Restless, Zane made a furrow through his hair. “I’m shattered by the knowledge that she’s been violated. To be honest, I’m angry in a way I’ve never been before. Though I’ve seen this situation several times during my military career, it didn’t impact me personally.”
He jumped out of the chair and started pacing. “This is different, Doctor. Personal. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over it. If I feel this way, I can only imagine how she must feel. I don’t know how to treat her. I’m here for help.”
“Sit down, Zane. We’ll take this one step at a time. Violence against a woman changes her life forever. If this happened eight years ago, then she’s been living with the consequences for a long time. Tell me about her.”
Zane took a deep breath and related what he could.
“She sounds like an intelligent, well-educated, remarkable woman who is coping well on the surface. The fact that she’s armed and has learned self-defense techniques means she got help and is probably seeing a therapist.”
“I pray to God that’s true.”
“Am I to understand that no physical intimacy has gone on between the two of you?”
His eyes closed tightly. “None.” In the next few minutes Zane explained the circumstances since he’d first come to Montana.
“So what you’re saying is, now that you’ve been transferred to the Billings office, this weekend was the first time you had a chance to get close to her?”
“Yes. I took her with me on a stakeout of the archaeological site where she’s been working. It provided the perfect opportunity for us to be together alone. Because she has always been guarded, I knew I had to be careful. Everything went fine until it was time to start our watch.
“I have to tell you, I didn’t expect what happened in the trailer when I tried to steady her on the ladder. We would have stayed over one more night, but I decided to take her home yesterday to allay any fear of mine.”
The doctor nodded. “That was a good instinct. Let me ask you something. Have you ever indicated before the other night that you’re in love with her?”
Zane shook his head. “No. Our families are closely connected so she has known about my divorce since the first day we met. She’s learned some things about me and my background from the few times we’ve been together. But I decided that this stakeout would be the perfect time to let her know how strong my feelings run.”
“Were you hoping she might figure out she was the woman you’d referred to?”
“Maybe, on a subconscious level. I wanted to build her up first so she’d trust me. I planned to tell her the truth before the stakeout was over, but that incident on the ladder changed the situation drastically.”
Dr. Lindstrom frowned. “You’ve both been holding back vital information that’s preventing any possibility of a true relationship. On her part it’s particularly understandable. I’m going to give you a booklet to read that covers many of her feelings. It will help you see into her psyche.
“As for you, a decision has to be made. If you love her and hope to have a permanent relationship with her, then you need to tell her that the next time you’re together. No guessing games. Gut honesty is the glue that will lay the groundwork for a lasting relationship. She can’t handle anything but the truth.”
“You’re right. I should have known that.”
“How could you have known? This is uncharted territory for both of you. But if knowledge of this assault has changed your mind because you can’t deal with the pain, then you must stop seeing her for your sake as well as hers.”
“I love her more than ever,” Zane said.
“You say that now, but your journey is going to be difficult. She may see herself as a tainted woman, unworthy. Your job will be to help her get past that. It won’t be an easy task. If she loves you and admits it, then she’ll have to be the one to tell you what she expects now that you know she’s been assaulted. You’ll have to recognize and accept her feelings as well as your own. You’ve admitted that your anger is explosive.”
Zane nodded.
“Then I don’t have to tell you that you must get past that to show her compassion and acceptance. Not every man can do this when it comes to the woman he loves. You’ll have to let her make decisions for herself so she can get control over her life. Because of your impatience, you may not like them. Share with her that you will be there when she needs you. My last piece of advice to you is to show your unconditional love and support.”
He handed him a booklet and a printout. Zane took them and got to his feet. “I can’t thank you enough for seeing me today. I feel better just having talked to you.”
“Good. Don’t hesitate to call me anytime. While you’re here I’ll write out another prescription for you.”
In a minute Zane left with all the items in hand and headed for the truck. He planned to drive by the dig site and surprise Avery. He’d ask her out for tonight. While he was there, she could introduce him to the crew. The information from the bureau’s database search should be in before long and he could put faces with information. Though he didn’t believe any of the people on the crew were responsible for the vandalism, he didn’t plan to leave a stone unturned.
He stopped to do an errand and ate lunch before leaving Billings. While he waited in the drive-through line, he scanned the printout. It was a list of rules for intimacy with a partner who’d been assaulted. The information was a real eye-opener. He reached for the booklet. One line leaped out at him.
The world is no longer a safe place, so anyone can be a threat and can trigger the fight-or-flight response.
That moment in the trailer came back to haunt him. Zane’s first plan was to tell her that he was in love with her, and then he’d take the doctor’s last piece of advice. Show your unconditional love and support.
Half an hour later he pulled up to the other cars and trucks congregated at the dig site, but there was no sign of Avery. He got out and walked around, letting the crew know he was investigating the case. After asking Dr. Osgood a few questions, he found out she’d taken a personal leave day.
On that disappointing note Zane climbed back in the truck and headed home. When he didn’t see her truck at the Bannock ranch, he drove by Sadie and Jarod’s house to say hello and play with Ryan. Spending a
little time with his nephew was exactly what he needed to unwind before he asked Avery over for a home-cooked meal.
Millie kept food on hand for him. This night had to be perfect for Avery.
* * *
DR. MOSER HADN’T BEEN able to meet with Avery until after lunch. During the lengthy session, she broke down in front of the psychologist. When she finally left the office, she got caught in the five o’clock traffic leaving Bozeman. Ten minutes from the ranch her cell phone rang. She checked the caller ID.
Zane. Adrenaline gushed through her veins.
After talking with Dr. Moser, her intention was to carefully distance herself from Zane. He cared for another woman and there was nothing she could do about that. Naturally they’d remain friends, but she would be inaccessible most of the time. It wouldn’t cure her heartache, but it would lower her stress level until she moved to the reservation.
Her hand hovered over the phone before she decided to answer. She couldn’t just cut him off, but she needed to be cautious.
“Hi, Zane. How was your meeting?”
“Nothing that would make headlines. I’m calling to invite you to dinner tonight. Do you have any plans?”
Just be honest, Avery. “No. I need an early night.”
“So do I, but I have to eat and I’d like to pay you back for being willing to help me on the stakeout.”
She gripped the phone tighter. “I was a complete failure.”
“You’re wrong about that. It felt good to have you with me.” The feeling was more than mutual, but she’d ruined it. “I’m not just talking about the inside information you provided on the crew. I’ve missed our families and that includes you. Please allow me to thank you in the only way I know how. I promise it won’t be peanut butter sandwiches. I’m not a bad cook.”
Avery was melting fast. One last dinner wouldn’t hurt since she’d been the one to offend him without meaning to. “Sadie told me as much.”
“Shall we say seven-thirty?”
“That sounds fine. I’ll be there. Thank you.” Avery clicked off. He had no idea she was on the road. She barely had enough time to make it. While she was still holding the phone, she called her grandfather to tell him she wouldn’t be home until nine. There’d be no late night for her.
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