‘‘Minding your own business.’’
That earned another explosive ha, followed by some coughing. ‘‘That’s right, I did.’’
‘‘So the only business you got left to mind is his.’’
‘‘Ha! You’re right. That’s pretty funny.’’
‘‘But he doesn’t think so. Your son, he’s not so amused by you?’’
‘‘A serious guy, my son.’’ The man in the baby blue gym suit sniffed, the corners of his mouth dropped into a frown. He settled his body more heavily into the bench. If he still smoked, it was a moment when he’d have puffed reflectively, resentfully, on his cigar. After a moment, he pulled himself up and alert again. ‘‘So. Tell me. You make any money being a comedian who didn’t want to get famous?’’
‘‘I made plenty.’’
‘‘Clubs?’’
‘‘I did some of those. And private jobs.’’
‘‘That’s how you got to know the rich people who aren’t famous?’’
‘‘Some were famous. Some got famous after I met them. I’d see their pictures and their names in the papers.’’
‘‘Those ones—they ever call you again after they got famous?’’
‘‘No.’’ He smiled slightly. ‘‘They were beyond me by then.’’
‘‘Really. Stupid shits. People get big heads, that’s what fame’ll do. They think they’re too good—’’
‘‘They’re dead to me now.’’ He smiled to himself again, as at a private joke.
‘‘Sure. So what was your act?
‘‘My act?’’ He frowned.
‘‘Your shtick. You know, your routine.’’
‘‘I didn’t have no set routine. That’s dangerous, to be too predictable like that. You don’t want people to know what’s coming, you want to keep your edge, keep them on edge, so you take them by surprise, startle them, come at them out of the blue where they’re not expecting it. It’s intimidating that way. You shock ’em. Knock ’em off balance and never let ’em get back up straight again. Then you just keep knocking ’em down—’’
‘‘Knockin’ the jokes down—’’
‘‘Until they’re bent over, pleading and gasping for you to stop, ’cause it hurts so bad.’’
‘‘Been a long time since I laughed like that. That’s as good as sex. If I recall.’’
The second man smiled at that. ‘‘Yeah, it’s real satisfying. I guess you’d say I have a talent for shocking people. And for improvisation.’’
‘‘Like George Carlin? Or that black kid with the mouth on him, Chris Rock? Not everybody can get away with stuff like that.’’
‘‘I’ve gotten away with it for a long time.’’
‘‘Good for you. So that was your act? Improv?’’
‘‘Sometimes. It varied.’’
‘‘Depended on the venue, I suppose. You’re smiling. Did I say something naive?’’
‘‘No, no, you’re right. A lot depends on the venue, whether it’s in the open air—like this, like a park, for instance. Or maybe it’s inside. Could be a great big room, even as big as a stadium, or could be as small as a bathroom. Size of the audience makes a difference, too, now that you mention it, now that you’ve got me talking about it. Some things will go over well in a big crowd that are just overkill when there’s nobody around. And vice versa. That was part of the improvisation.’’
‘‘You get hecklers?’’
‘‘If I did, I took them out.’’
‘‘Pretty good audiences, though?’’
‘‘I had very attentive audiences. Very.’’
‘‘What’s your secret?’’
‘‘You want to get their full attention immediately. Don’t give them any time to adjust to your appearance. Hit ’em upside the head.’’
‘‘A big joke right off the bat, huh?’’
‘‘A two-by-four. A baseball bat. Bam. Get their undivided attention. I’m not a subtle guy.’’
‘‘Pretty broad comedy, huh?’’
‘‘Pretty broad . . . there was one of those in Pittsburgh.’’
‘‘Ha ha. Vaudeville, like. Slapstick. That you?’’
‘‘Slapstick. I coulda used one of those.’’
‘‘Ha ha. Borscht belt comedy. You Jewish?’’
‘‘Me? No way. I was circumspect, not circumcised.’’
‘‘Ha! You’re a wise guy, too.’’
‘‘That I am.’’
‘‘What about costumes? You ever wear costumes?’’
‘‘Yeah. Hairpieces. Teeth. Mustaches. Canes, crutches. I got a closet full of them, or I would have if I’d kept any of it.’’
‘‘Your own mother wouldn’t have recognized you?’’
‘‘My mother’s dead.’’
‘‘Oh, I’m sorry.’’
‘‘It was a long time ago. I killed her, too.’’
‘‘That’s nice, that she appreciated your humor. Your dad, you get your funny bone from him?’’
‘‘Oh, yeah, he was hilarious.’’ It sounded bitter, as if there was jealousy. ‘‘He killed me. Nearly.’’
‘‘Is that unusual?’’
‘‘What?’’
‘‘A comic from a happy family? I thought all comedians came from bad families, like they had to laugh to keep from cryin’, that kind of thing.’’
‘‘I don’t know about that.’’
‘‘Not much of a philosopher, like you’re not much of a historian?’’
‘‘Hey.’’ Defensive. ‘‘When I was workin’, I knew what I believed, and what I didn’t. That’s philosophy, ain’t it?’’
‘‘Like, what did you believe?’’
‘‘I believed in doing my job, and not cryin’ over it.’’
‘‘Me, too.’’
‘‘That right?’’
‘‘Yeah, do your job and fuck the regrets.’’
‘‘Or fuck the pretty broads in Pittsburgh.’’
‘‘I think maybe we’re kind of alike, you and me.’’
‘‘A salesman and a comedian.’’
‘‘You still don’t buy it that I was a salesman, do you?’’
‘‘You said it yourself, you don’t look the part.’’
‘‘I look the part as much as you look like a comedian.’’
‘‘You bought it. Askin’ me all about it.’’
‘‘I was sellin’ you. You think I’m no salesman, but I sold people down the river all the time. But you already know that, don’t you? What? Gone silent again? Nothin’ to say? So who sent you? One of those wise guys I ratted out? My son? Somebody else in the Family? And where’s your two-by-four? You got a reputation for takin’ ’em by surprise, knocking ’em flat first thing, you said so yourself. So why the conversation first before you take me out?’’
‘‘The conversation was your idea.’’
‘‘What about the two-by-four?’’
‘‘Not as quick as the gun in my pocket.’’
‘‘What about the noise?’’
‘‘Silencer.’’
‘‘Witnesses?’’
They both looked around, both of them taking note of the two young women with baby carriages over by the historical markers, of the middle-aged male jogger moving their way from the west, of the young couple leaning up against a tree.
‘‘Witnesses to what? I get up and stand in front of you to continue our conversation. You slump over, but nobody sees past me. I grab your shoulder to say good-bye. When I leave, you’re an old man in a baby blue tracksuit, asleep on a park bench, and I’m an old man walkin’ back to my car.’’
‘‘And then what?’’
‘‘Then you go to hell. I go home and retire.’’
‘‘You’re retiring, all right. See this wire on my baby blue jacket? And see those young women and that jogger coming our way? They’re FBI. If you looked behind you, you’d see a few more, including a sniper in the bedroom window of that nice house back there. He’s aiming at your head, so don’t think you
can take a shot at mine. I just made my last sale, Mr. Comedian. And you’re the product.’’
He stood up, slowly, heavily, and then turned and looked down at the fat man with the gun in his pocket.
‘‘You should have paid more attention to history when I was trying to tell you.
‘‘You want to know why the Confederates lost? Because the greedy fuckers stole a farmer’s old gray mare, which pissed him off, and so he told the Feds where they could sneak over that ridge.’’ He pointed north and a little west, as the first two agents laid hands on the shoulders of the other man. ‘‘It took the Rebs completely by surprise. Then they got surrounded, and they never had a chance.’’ The agents hoisted his audience to his feet. ‘‘Just like you were going to steal my life, which pissed me off, so I told the Feds how to sneak up on you, so they could surround you, and you wouldn’t stand a chance. You know the old song? ‘The old gray mare, she ain’t what she used to be’? Your life and mine, they ain’t what they used to be, but my life is still mine.’’ He banged his meaty right thumb on his chest. ‘‘I’m hanging on to it, like that farmer and his old gray mare.
‘‘You know what they say about history,’’ he called out, raising his voice to make sure the other man heard as they led him away. ‘‘If you don’t pay attention to it, you’re bound to repeat it!’’
Maubi and the Jumbies
by Kate Grilley
A roach coach is the closest St. Chris comes to an after-hours joint.
When the restaurants and bars in Isabeya are shuttered and silent, the last of the weekend revelers— mostly local boys-going-on-men in their late teens— head for the waterfront parking area near Fort Frederick to cluster around a shiny aluminium-sided Grumman Kurbmaster step van labeled in foot-high red letters, MAUBI’S HOT TO TROT. The Os sprout dancing yellow and orange flames like the garish hair colors favored by MTV punk rockers, a hairstyling trend rarely seen on our tiny patch in the Caribbean.
A construction worker forced into early retirement by an accident that shattered his left leg—leaving him with a permanent limp and occasionally dependent on a cane—Maubi sells cold sodas, homemade ginger beer, and maubi from ice-filled coolers, and takeout platters from the foil-lined containers of West Indian snacks and fried chicken kept hot under infrared lamps.
Late one Friday night in early April, I stopped for a take-home snack. Maubi sat inside his van, elbows resting on the serving counter, chatting with a handful of lingering customers. Michael’s voice crackled over the airwaves from an old boom box radio sitting up high on a back shelf. Maubi ended a ribald story with a thigh-slapping belly laugh to greet me with a warm smile.
‘‘Morning Lady! What carries you to town so late?’’
‘‘Last-minute parade stuff and the memory of your wife’s pates. Got any left?’’
‘‘Beef or saltfish?’’ I never ordered saltfish, but Maubi always asked just the same.
‘‘Two beef, please.’’
‘‘I got beef roti tonight.’’
‘‘I’ll take one. And a chicken leg for Minx.’’ I knew from experience a cat will forgive any slight if there’s a food bribe involved. In the five years we’ve been together, Minx has become hooked on Maubi’s fried chicken.
‘‘Something to drink?’’
‘‘Your specialty,’’ I said, smiling. ‘‘A large one.’’
Maubi grinned. ‘‘Brewed it fresh myself this week in my big enamel kettle. Best maubi batch ever.’’ He kissed the tips of his fingers as a sign of his own approval, chortling as he packed my food and drink in a cardboard box.
‘‘Is your quadrille group ready for the Navidad de Isabeya parade next weekend?’’ I asked, digging in my fanny pack for cash.
‘‘My band’s been practicing every evening with the dancers at the legion hall.’’
‘‘The parade wouldn’t be a success without you. I’ve put your group at the end of the lineup.’’
‘‘Saving the best for last,’’ said Maubi with a broad smile. ‘‘Where you parked?’’
I pointed to my ten-year-old hatchback a short distance away.
‘‘That’s too far to go by yourself. The jumbies could get you.’’ He leaned toward me, lowering his voice. ‘‘It’s not safe like the old days. We got drug dealers and lowlifes limin’ around the fort. That’s why I come to rest my van down here so late. Keep my boy and his friends out of trouble.’’
‘‘You’ve done a good job,’’ I said, putting the change in my coin purse. ‘‘He’s a fine boy. He’s graduating this year, isn’t he?’’
‘‘First in his class.’’ Maubi beamed with pride. ‘‘He got a scholarship to Cornell to study hotel management. He works at Harborview on weekends, they want him full-time this summer.’’
He called to his son. ‘‘Quincy! You take this food and see Miss Kelly gets to her car safe. Then come back and help me close up. It’s time we go home.’’
Quincy and I were at my car when we heard a clopping sound like horses’ hooves, followed by Maubi’s cry, ‘‘Jumbie be gone!’’
We quickly turned toward the van to see Maubi throwing salt in the air through the serving window.
Maubi pointed at Kongens Gade in the direction of the Anglican church on the western edge of town. Quincy sprinted up Isabeya’s main street against the sparse one-way traffic while I stayed at the van.
‘‘Maubi, what happened?’’ I asked.
‘‘I feel a chill. A sure sign there be a jumbie about.’’
I looked around and saw nothing out of the ordinary. The salt under my feet rasped like sandpaper against the rubber soles of my flip-flops.
‘‘Why the salt?’’
‘‘Jumbie cure. If you throw salt on the skin of a jumbie, it can’t harm you. I always keep my salt close.’’
I thought of my grandmother’s tales of spirits in her native Ireland, and the luck stone with a hole in it she’d given me when I was a child that now hung from a leather thong over my bed with my collection of dream catchers. The Irish tradition said if anyone looked upon you with an evil eye, looking back at them through the hole in the stone would ward off any harm they might wish you.
Quincy jogged slowly back to the van, panting from his fruitless exertion.
Maubi took his cane from a hook and pounded it against the floor of the van. A sound reminiscent of horses’ hooves. He began to laugh. He laughed until he was gasping for breath and tears were streaming down his face.
‘‘I fool you,’’ Maubi said when he was able to speak.
Quincy and I were not amused.
The next afternoon I took the ferry from the Dockside Hotel on the Isabeya waterfront over to Harborview on Papaya Quay where Quincy was working at the water sports pavilion.
The history of Papaya Quay includes a ghost.
Until the fire that destroyed Isabeya in 1764, Papaya Quay was uninhabited.
After the fire, the Danish government was homeless with only Fort Frederick left standing to house the soldiers and dispossessed town residents. Temporary Government House quarters were established on Papaya Quay.
When the first phase of the new Government House at the foot of Kongens Gade was completed five years later, Papaya Quay became the governor’s private retreat.
Island legend tells us that the governor had a mistress—an enchanting beauty who claimed descent from the original Arawak Indians—whom he stashed at Papaya Quay until her death one night during an early spring yellow fever epidemic. She was buried on the quay, but her grave has never been found.
It is said she haunts her former home to this day, walking back and forth along the Harborview terrace waiting and watching for her lover to come to her by boat.
Quincy and I sat on the terrace drinking iced tea. We decided to bring the legend to life that very evening.
We enlisted the help of two of the Mocko Jumbies—gaily dressed dancing figures on stilts, a highlight of every St. Chris parade.
Shortly after midnight,
Isabeya was again shuttered and silent, the quiet broken only by chirping crickets near the gazebo bandstand on the green between the fort and the library, the slap of waves against the boardwalk, and twanging boat lines. The Harborview ferry was docked for the night at Papaya Quay, the boat captain snoring in his bunk in the harbor-master’s quarters.
Maubi sat in his van facing the harbor, chatting with the last of his customers. He stopped in the middle of a story to stare wide-eyed at a wooden rowboat approaching the seaside boardwalk from the direction of Harborview. He began to shiver.
In the boat were a man and woman in eighteenth-century clothing. The man wore a Danish officer’s uniform, with the scarlet sash across his chest favored by the governor for formal occasions. The woman was dressed in a resplendent ball gown, a gossamer shawl covering her head and shoulders.
Maubi grabbed the salt.
The man extended his hand to help the woman alight from the boat. As they passed silently arm in arm in front of Maubi’s van, salt showered the couple like wedding rice.
The electric lights in front of Government House blinked once, then went out. Flickering candle flames were visible in the windows of the Government House ballroom. The couple passed through the locked iron gates separating the Government House driveway from Kongens Gade, up the broad set of outside stairs to the double doors at the formal entrance on the second floor. As they slipped through the doors, the strains of a minuet were heard from the candlelit ballroom. Once the couple was inside, the music ceased and the candles were extinguished one by one until Government House was again darkened. A woman laughed merrily. Then all was silent. The lights in front of Government House slowly brightened to normal.
Quincy and I bit our fingers to keep our guffaws in check. My luck stone dropped from my hand to rest on my chest like a pendant suspended from the leather thong around my neck.
As we were ready to leap from our hiding place to yell ‘‘Fooled you!’’ at Maubi, a second boat approached the boardwalk. A rogue wave caught the boat broadside, spilling the occupants into the sea. We heard familiar voices cursing as they thrashed about in the shallows, weighted down by their heavy clothing. Quincy and I ran to the boardwalk to help our sodden friends out of the water.
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