“It is the twenty-first century,” Alix said.
“Yes.” He seemed surprised when he said it as if he couldn’t believe how simple the answer was. “Yes.”
Alix released her breath, relieved, thrilled and so full of emotions she now understood how Maya had felt earlier when she complained about being hot. It was like there was a volcano inside Alix and it would erupt any minute now. She wasn’t sure if she would start laughing or crying—it could go either way.
“There is nothing I’d want more than to marry you, Alixandra,” Seb said, his voice breaking as he pulled her into his arms. He held her as if he would never let her go. She could feel his hand on her neck tremble. “I would be honored.”
They danced for a long time afterward, whispering about their plans and wishes for the future, forgetting about the outside world and all the regulations and stipulations they would invariably have to adapt to.
The most shocking realization for Alix was that she felt no fear. She had once thought she’d be anxious about introducing her future husband to her grandma, apprehensive of her judgement and disagreement. But she felt so certain. If she hadn’t been convinced before, she was convinced now that she’d chosen right.
****
The search for Seb had proven fruitless. Alix dropped her head in her hands as she sat on her bed. Tears threatened but she refused to cry. Her humiliation was big enough as it was. Grandma would be here any minute now and Alix could envision the Queen’s expression of anger and disgust when Alix admitted she couldn’t find her fiancé.
The whole nation would laugh behind her back. “Oh, God!” Alix wailed with hurt and embarrassment. How could something so beautiful end in such a catastrophe? What a mess.
The knock on the door didn’t surprise her. “Enter.”
When the door opened, Grandma just stood there for a long moment, watching her in a way Alix couldn’t quite interpret. Which was a good sign because she was very familiar with the Queen’s angry expression so this meant she wasn’t irritated. At least, she wasn’t only irritated. She was also … concerned? Sad?
“Grandma,” Alix said, not knowing how to go on. This would be the biggest fiasco under the current Queen’s rule and that said something, seeing how she’d been queen for almost forty years. So how did she tell the Queen to her face that the wedding was off? Something crumbled in Alix, feeling sorry for herself but also sad for the Queen. Even if this would hurt the Queen just half as much as it hurt Alix, it wasn’t fair. She was seventy-five, she’d already buried her husband, son and daughter-in-law, and single-handedly led the country for decades. It broke Alix to think it would be her to cause her this much grief.
“I’m sorry,” Alix whispered.
It was as if her words had woken the Queen from her trance and she walked into the room. “My dear girl,” she said, caressing Alix’s hair.
“I didn’t think it would end like this,” Alix continued even as the Queen was trying to shush her. “I trusted Seb. I thought he was prepared for this but I was wrong. I guess he didn’t love me enough. I … I’m sorry, Grandma.”
“Hush, now, don’t talk nonsense. This is not your fault, Alixandra.”
But she knew it was. If she hadn’t fallen for Seb. If she’d chosen someone used to this life. If she’d been more careful and wise. But her feelings blinded her and she behaved just like any ordinary girl. Not like a responsible princess, which she should’ve been. “I love him,” she whispered, helplessly. “And I can’t stop.”
“I know, dear. I know. I never expected you to sacrifice love for duty, Alixandra. I’d never wish something so cruel on you. It’s alright to love Sebastian.”
“But it’s not, is it? The wedding’s off and I will go down in history as the most irresponsible, stupid and lovesick princess ever.” Alix hid her face in her hands in shame. It would be easier to bear having her heart broken if all this shame and humiliation weren’t added to it. She’d never before wished so hard she were just a girl because then Seb wouldn’t have abandoned her. He’d still be here, eager to marry her and love her for the rest of her life. He couldn’t just stop loving her, could he? She wasn’t prepared to believe that. Seb’s love couldn’t be so fickle, he was too honest and good for that.
The Queen now frowned at her and Alix shrunk back, expecting a lecture. Instead, the Queen said, “The wedding is not off.”
“What?”
The Queen looked at her as if she were daft. “The wedding is not off, Alixandra,” she then repeated.
“But … Sebastian’s gone. Who will I marry?” The question made her realize there was no one else she’d want to marry. Perhaps there would never be anyone else she loved as much as Seb. The terrible thought made her want to weep again.
“You’ll marry Sebastian. He’ll show up, you’ll see. We’ll continue with the preparations. Tomorrow morning, you’ll put on your wedding dress and you’ll ride the carriage to the cathedral.”
“But …” Oh, the mortification as she would wait for her groom at the altar and he wouldn’t show up! How could Grandma do this to her? How could she insist on humiliating her so?
“Alixandra, I’ve never seen a man so in love with a woman as Sebastian is in love with you. Sebastian will not desert you, I promise you.” The Queen’s words made absolutely no sense. Were these the first signs of dementia? That was the last thing Alix now needed on top of her own personal disaster.
Alixandra had the impression that the Queen was on the verge of rolling her eyes when she shook her head exasperatedly and said, “I’ve been less than civil with Sebastian since the moment you introduced him to me. And he didn’t complain once. He put up with it. And who do you think he did that for?” She raised one eyebrow. “Certainly not for me.”
Alix opened her mouth to speak but words escaped her. Could Grandma be right?
“Sebastian is a decent man. One of the most decent I’ve met in my life,” the Queen said and this time she did roll her eyes. Alix almost choked on her breath, seeing it.
“He deserves you. I’m loath to admit it and even more shocked to realize it, but he deserves you, my dear, dear girl.” The Queen enunciated each word as if she knew the turmoil gripping Alix, making her only half able to understand what was going on around her. “But he’s a man and he’s throwing a little temper tantrum over his freedoms being curtailed. You can’t expect a man to be reasonable and mature in such matters. Once he’s over it, he’ll come running back to you.”
The picture the Queen painted seemed so sweet and full of promise but doubts still nagged at Alix. “What if he doesn’t? What if he returns too late, after the whole country already sees me humiliated at the altar?”
“He wouldn’t do that to you.” The Queen’s tone was so certain doubting it seemed like treason.
****
Her wedding day was supposed to be exhausting, less private than she’d want but happy. As she squeezed the root of her nose to stop the headache from blooming to life, all Alix felt was fear. Fear that she wouldn’t get to have her special day, fear that Seb had given up on her, fear that she wouldn’t get to have a future with the man she loved.
“You look stunning,” Maya said as she held her sleeping baby in her arms. She and Jarrod had arrived late last night and when they couldn’t find Seb, Alix had to live through an embarrassing explanation of the situation. When Seb still didn’t show up after midnight, it was of little comfort that Jarrod and Maya agreed with the Queen that he wouldn’t stand her up. Alix had gone to bed a little after two in the morning when the Queen had to order her to go rest. But she couldn’t fall asleep even under the direct order from the Queen.
Waking up at five, Alix felt light-headed and thought she might be sick any minute. She’d spent an hour in the shower, crying until her throat was raw but the hurt couldn’t be washed away and Seb wasn’t there to offer comfort.
When she finally stepped from her rooms, the palace was abuzz. The day before, it had seemed so quiet, she’d
asked the Queen what was going on. Reluctantly, her grandma admitted she’d sent anyone who could be trusted to keep it a secret out to search for Seb.
“Sebastian won’t know what hit him when he sees you,” Maya continued now as if Alix’s groom waited just outside the door. But god knew where Seb was and what was going through his mind at that moment. The busy corridors of this morning suggested they’d ended the search and given up on her missing groom. It was like a final confirmation of what Alix had feared since Seb had left. He wasn’t coming back. She wanted to drag herself into a corner and weep until it stopped hurting. Instead she had to walk up the aisle and let the entire nation ridicule her for waiting for a groom who wouldn’t show up.
“If he shows up to see me,” Alix said, her broken voice revealing just how desperate she felt.
Maya made a sound of disagreement but when the baby started to fuss she focused on the blond boy. Alix was grateful her potential sister-in-law’s attention was diverted to someone else. Ever since Maya had walked into her room in the palace, she gushed about the dress and how stunning Alix was. But Alix didn’t feel stunning. Despite the make-up, she was all too aware of the dark circles under her eyes, her sallow skin and the drawn expression on her tired face. No groom would be happy to marry a bride so exhausted and listless. But then again, she didn’t have a groom anymore.
Alix sighed. She didn’t want Maya to think she was ungrateful because of her clipped tone. “Thank you for being here,” she said.
Maya looked up from Aaron who settled again and went back to sleep. “Oh, Alix, no need to thank me. We’re family now.” Holding Aaron against her with one arm, she half hugged Alix with the other. “Everything will be alright, I know it will.”
Alix wished she had a bit of her confidence when her ladies-in-waiting announced it was time to join the Queen in the carriage and drive to the cathedral. She could barely breathe. Her chest tightened with the dreaded feeling everything wouldn’t be alright. That things would never be good again if she lost Seb.
She had to be helped up the two steps into the carriage as the crowds waved and cheered. Could things get any more awful? Alix thought as she smiled and waved back. The Queen sat ramrod straight on the seat opposite her. Her smile was less tremulous and her wave lazier. She’d done this a million times before. How could she bear it? Didn’t she get fed up with it all after all these years? Having her life dissected publically every day? No one appreciating the things she had sacrificed for the nation’s benefit? People judging her, or blaming her for the economic crisis she had had nothing to do with, and criticizing her for the choices she’d made after she’d struggled for days, sometimes weeks to make sure she chose what was best for them all? And now Alix would give the public another bone to pick.
“Oh, Seb,” she whispered as she lost her composure for a moment. She bowed her head to hide her pain and the threatening tears. The Queen patted her knee, as much to comfort her as to warn her that she was in public.
Alix smiled at her unsteadily and gave a small nod. The next moment she turned back to the carriage window and smiled again. She was determined to smile even as her insides shattered with longing for Seb.
****
By the time the carriage stopped in front of the cathedral, Alix felt so hopeless even the imminent catastrophe couldn’t jolt her out of her stupor. She’d given in and was ready to accept the humiliation which would forever follow her. It was a price she’d pay for being a public person and it was something she had no control over. Best to accept it and get on with it.
Despite the shit storm that was going to hit the fan in less than an hour, her grandma didn’t show any signs of worry or weakness. She was as regal as ever. Alix envied her. She wished she’d had her grandma’s strength but all she felt was frail, aching and so very alone.
On uncertain legs she climbed the cathedral steps. Despite her anxiety, Alix was awed at the centuries-old edifice where generations of the royal family had married before her. She wondered how many of those marriages were happy, how many couples entered into their union out of love and how many out of duty?
The heavy door opened in front of her as if invisible forces were in action but the truth was that the royal family personnel worked like a well-oiled machine. Everything was done on time and exactly the way it was supposed to be done. Even she was walking these steps now, because this was her wedding. Royalty didn’t care that she didn’t have a groom. All that mattered was that she be punctual and properly behaved. What a farce!
She was a tiny bit relieved when she saw her maids and Maya waiting for her in the small room at the back of the cathedral where she was supposed to wait for her walk up the aisle.
As Maya rushed to her, Alix wondered where Jarrod was. Surely he wasn’t standing in front of the altar where he was supposed to be Seb’s best man. There was no point when Seb wasn’t there.
“How are you doing?” Maya whispered as one of the women straightened out Alix’s trail and dress.
Alix was about to answer but Maya didn’t give her the chance, rushing on, “You heard, didn’t you?” Her eyes were huge and seemed excited.
“Heard what?” Alix asked, suspicious.
It seemed like Maya nodded toward the door that led into the church but the gesture was so quick Alix wasn’t sure she hadn’t imagined it. “He’s here,” Maya said.
“Seb?” Shocked, she spoke so loudly everyone in the room turned to look at her. “Seb’s here?” she repeated, struggling to speak more quietly.
“He’s waiting for you at the altar,” Maya confirmed. “Looks nervous as hell.”
Alix made a sound of shock but didn’t protest when Maya took hold of her hand and dragged her to the door. Peeking out into the aisle, Alix saw Seb standing next to Jarrod, both tall and dapper in their suits. But while Jarrod looked calm and half-smiling, Seb kept glancing over his shoulder as if afraid the Queen would march up to him and clobber him with her purse.
Alix inhaled sharply, stunned to see his beautiful face after fearing he’d left her for good. Maya dragged her backward before Alix could do something stupid like run to him in front of hundreds of people.
“I can’t believe he’s here,” Alix said, amazement making her voice breathy.
“Hate to say it, but I told you so.” Maya grinned, still holding Alix’s hand in hers, squeezing it a little. Alix’s eyes stung with tears of relief.
“Stop it,” Maya ordered her. “You’ll ruin your makeup.”
Alix half chuckled, half sobbed. “Stop ordering me around. I’m the princess here.”
Without warning, Maya threw her arms around Alix and hugged her, sniffling. “I’m so happy for you,” she whispered.
“Alix,” someone called from the outside door. As Maya let her go, Alix turned to see her cousin who would give her away since he was the oldest male member of the royal family.
“John.” Alix went to him, all of a sudden a spring in her step. She rose on the tips of her toes and kissed his cheek. Her face involuntarily stretched into a smile. She could bear anything now that she’d seen Seb.
“You look happy, cuz.” John pulled her into a bear hug while her ladies-in-waiting tsked over him squishing her dress.
She tried to reign in her jubilation but she failed.
“Shall we?” He extended his arm to her and she took hold of his elbow.
The initial tones of the wedding march sounded through the high-ceilinged cathedral. The sound was airy and awe-inspiring.
She couldn’t see the Queen in the front pew as she and John stood just inside the main doors. People stood and turned, craning their necks to see her. She marveled at how probably none of them had any idea she had been on the brink of disaster just minutes before. She was so relieved and elated she felt as though she walked on air when John and she made the first steps toward the altar. Seb was facing her, his expression unreadable. A mix of nervousness and happiness? Amazement? She couldn’t tell and it unnerved her.
“Sl
ow down,” John hissed about half-way up the aisle and she realized she’d quickened her steps and had been pulling him along.
She peeked at John and caught him watching her with an amused glint in his eyes. “He’s not going anywhere. Slow down,” he whispered.
Little did he know. She didn’t care how it looked or what the media would have to say about her walk to the altar but she didn’t slow down and by the time she reached Seb, John was almost chuckling. He kissed her forehead. “Good luck. Although with that kind of devotion, I don’t think you’ll need it,” he whispered.
She grinned and then turned to face Seb. He took hold of her hand, gently, as if afraid she’d break.
“You came,” she said, still amazed.
The Archbishop cleared his throat just as Seb leaned in and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Alix.” His eyes looked tormented and his grip on her hand tightened.
She could cry with relief that he was really here and hadn’t deserted her.
“Dearly beloved,” the Archbishop addressed the packed cathedral.
“I love you so much,” Seb continued as if they weren’t in the middle of a wedding mass.
The Archbishop eyed them, uncertain whether to go on or not. Alix heard the Queen clear her throat impatiently behind her back. She nodded at the Archbishop to continue but as he did, she quickly whispered to Seb, “I love you, too. I thought you changed your mind.”
The Queen coughed again, all dainty yet tough as steel.
“Never,” Seb said.
Like a wave, whispering broke out throughout the congregation, people probably speculating on what it was that she and Seb had to discuss so urgently as to interrupt the Archbishop and their wedding celebration. She was tempted to laugh aloud, with relief and with the knowledge she was breaking protocol in front of the Queen, about a thousand people and the media and she didn’t care one iota about it.
She winked at Seb and he winked back and then the mass and the formalities dragged on and on. Alix enjoyed every minute of it, knowing she would get to go home with Seb once the night was over.
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