She grew silent for a moment. “So we watched you. Watched you more carefully than any other of your kind. When we learned you were searching for us we were worried. You seemed to hate what you were so much. Alexi met you that first night with directions to determine why you had come and to do what he should have done if necessary. Had there been a hint you knew of your potential, any clue you were seeking it, he’d have killed you.”
“How did you watch me?”
“We have several ways. I’ll show you tomorrow if you like. The important thing here is that you understand, Evan, you can transition. You cannot become one of us but the magic allows you to transform at will. It will take the pain from your transformations. You will retain yourself.” She then told him the spells and methods were stored in the archive. She told him what he must do, if this was what he wanted. He had stopped her then, unwilling to listen to any more, stopped her by kissing her.
He had pulled her up into his lap and wrapped his arms around her. Her soft mouth pressed eagerly to his and he had risen, holding her to him and carried her to the bed. Lying beside her he had kissed her and touched her, feeling her response fill him with a delight he had never known. A sense of power and strength flowed through him as she moaned in his arms. He pleased her. His hands, his lips pleased her. He seemed to know exactly what thrilled her and when he was right, she made sure he knew. Her hands moved over him and he covered her mouth, pressing the kisses deep and hard. He had moved to lie over her when she stopped him.
“No, Evan. You’re not ready for that, trust me.”
He had laughed. “I may be a bit younger than you but I’m no child. Trust me, I’m not exactly innocent.”
She had chuckled against his throat. “No, with a body like this and a face like that, I’m sure you’re not. But with our own kind it is different. We are too near the running moon to risk this. I told you, Evan. We mate for life. That you’re not ready for.”
He had looked long into her eyes. “No morning after regrets, eh?”
Her face was serious, now. “No, Evan. I mean this quite literally, we mate for life.”
“And are you ready for that? With me?” He lowered his eyes from hers and almost held his breath waiting for her response.
“When and if, you are ready, Evan. I will be ready also.” She had evaded his question and he let her. “Besides, there are,” her hands played tantalizingly down his chest, “other ways.” And lying there in each other’s arms, tangled in the soft white sheets, lit by the gentle moonlight, they explored those glorious other ways.
The touch of her hands and lips had ripped through his body. He had teased hers relentlessly, growling with pleasure as he heard her gasp his name. He’d actually found himself emitting a yipping howl of satisfaction when she cried out loudly as he brought her release. His own throat felt faintly raw from the roar she’d torn from him as her touch and her mouth pushed him higher than he could ever remember reaching, before leaving him drained and sated.
He had drifted off, holding her close after she had given him so much joy, so much happiness he had momentarily let the world slip away from him. He had been pulled from sleep by the words she had said to him. He could transition. He could become like them. He had lain there trying to sort it out and found he couldn’t, not with her lying next to him.
He’d slipped from the bed and dressed. He’d needed to get away from her, put some distance between them and think. As disturbing as what she had told him was, standing here watching her sleep he could easily see himself doing it. Doing what it would take to make that transition. Doing what it would take to stay here with her, or rather bring her with him into his world.
The walk in the garden, the run around the lake, none of these things had helped him. Now he sat here again watching her. He would be here when she woke, he wanted to look into her face as those blue eyes opened and looked at him again. He wanted to make sure she knew he adored her.
But sitting here his mind reached for what he knew was true. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do what it would take to transition. She had told him there were two parts. First he would have to mate with a blood Wolf. A sad smile pulled his lips into an aching grin. That part he would find no burden. Though he hesitated to do it just now, fearing more that she might regret it than from his own uncertainty, he knew that day wasn’t far off. The day when he was certain enough of what she felt for him, the day when he would want this. He’d have plunged forward with it this very night if she had but asked him for it. He had no qualms, no reservations about being with her. He was thinking like a wolf and it brought a satisfaction of which he’d never known the equal.
But the second part, the dark magic required. That he couldn’t do. It was more than just dark magic, a dark curse or spell. It was blood magic. He’d have to take a life. Him. Evan Forester. The spell required human blood to power it. Not just any blood but death’s blood. He’d have to use the blood of someone he had killed to make the magic work. Kira had called it stripping away what was left of him that clung to his humanity.
The idea repulsed him on a basic level. He’d never be able to do this thing. He’d never be able to transition. He couldn’t take a life. He wasn’t sure he ever could do such a thing, not even to save his own life. To save someone else? Maybe. In battle? Possibly. But the truth was he didn’t know. And she had not asked him to. She had simply told him of the spell and said no more. She didn’t have to.
He could have all the things he had wanted. The spell and the mating would prolong his life to that of a blood Wolf. If he did this they could marry, he could finally have someone to love, cosset and adore. Someone who belonged to him. He could have a family, children growing around him, children who wouldn’t be barely past puberty when he succumbed to old age and the strain of the curse. If he did this he would have everything he’d ever wanted. He wouldn’t have to fear the changing. There would be no more pain. And most glorious of all, he’d retain himself when he transformed.
Sighing he stood up. In the morning he’d tell her there was no way he would ever do this thing. He’d release her from her whispered words of devotion and love. She deserved someone who would be more than a momentary blip in the span of her life. He slipped out of his clothes and slipped back into the bed. She curled against him, resting her head on his shoulder as if she had been waiting for this. He moved his head slightly and placed a kiss on her forehead. She wasn’t alone in asking the moon why it always had to be this way.
He had fixed his eyes on the ceiling for a long moment and was surprised when he lowered them to watch her sleeping face and discovered she wasn’t sleeping. The blue eyes were regarding him with an intensity and wariness that made him start. Her pink tongue brushed her lips before she spoke.
“So, have you wrestled and sorted it through?”
“Yes.”
“And you’ve realized there is no way you could ever do this thing? No way you could ever take a life to make your own lot easier?”
His brows drew together. She watched his stormy eyes grow darker as he searched her face. “No,” he finally said. “No, Kira. I can’t do this thing you ask of me.”
Her eyes grew wide. “Evan, I’ve asked nothing of you except that you accept my affection and my touch. I have certainly not asked you to do this thing you find abhorrent.”
He lifted himself up onto one elbow, displacing her from his shoulder. She repositioned herself on the pillow. He was looking down at her as if he could bore holes in her soul with his eyes.
“Evan, it is not in you to do this thing. I would never ask it of you. I would never even hope for it. It isn’t who you are. It isn’t the man I know you to be.” She shook her head slightly. “Perhaps I should never have told you but we agreed no more secrets.”
“You can’t tell me, Kira, that you wouldn’t want me to do this. That you wouldn’t want me to transition, to become like you. So much would be possible for us.” He could sense no deception about her but her reaction sti
ll wasn’t rational.
She sighed. “Come on Evan, if you decided to do this thing I wouldn’t argue. I’d help you if it was what you wanted. But I know you well enough to understand this is something you couldn’t do. Even if you were willing to tackle the dark magic and I’ve been told it is serious magic, I can’t conceive of your sacrificing a life to do so.”
“Even if it meant I’d become one of you? No longer the shameful curse wolf unworthy to touch the lady’s hand, but one of you? You wouldn’t resent my choosing not to do this?” His gaze was cold and penetrating. She had never seen him look so hard, the usually soft, gentle face carried a mask of steely intensity.
“I’m going to ignore that lady comment for the moment, darling.” She frowned up at him. “You are forgetting one very important fact. You are not the only man I’ve ever loved. You are not the only one of your kind I have ever loved. You are forgetting Valeri. He could not transition. There was no possibility for him. He would have always been what he was. Yet I’d have stood at his side had he asked me. I’d have joined my life to his if he had asked.” Her hand reached up and brushed the forelock of hair that had again fallen across his face.
“He never asked?” Evan frowned.
“No, he was too young, too unsettled for that. He wasn’t like you, Evan. You are wiser than your years, so much more grounded.” Her hand trailed down his cheek and stroked over his jaw. Her fingertips toyed with the soft skin behind his ear.
He sucked in his breath. “You are telling me that you would still want to be with me if I chose to stay as I am?”
She nodded, the fingers moving down his neck. “I made that choice once before. I will admit with you it is easier. I care who you are. I don’t care what you are.” Her hand came to rest on his shoulder and she looked up at him with sober and serious eyes. “If I am honest I must admit I am bothered by the fact that you are a mage, not that you are a curse wolf.”
“I can’t not be gifted, Kira.”
“I know. And I can’t not be a Were. By all the laws that rule our worlds we should be enemies, Evan. Your kind hunts those like me or have you forgotten? All the truces and alliances in the world won’t change that fact. What is important now, the real question is do we let that stop us?” Her hand spread softly over his shoulder and down his arm. The skin exploded with tiny tingling sensations.
He made his decision quickly. He knew what he wanted but she had to be willing to accept it or there was simply no chance for them. “Kira, I will not transition. I will not abandon my life as a mage. I cannot do those things and still be who I am.”
She rolled her eyes and her mouth compressed angrily. She sat up, pulling the blankets with her to cover herself. “You are so busy talking, Evan Forester, you are not listening. God, you’re starting to sound like Alexi.” She scooted away from him on the bed and grabbed for the dressing gown he had slipped from her shoulders earlier.
Pulling it around her, she stood up. She turned to look back at the bed. “I am going to defend myself against this only once more. If you can’t accept what I tell you then I’m at a loss as to how to proceed. For the last time, I have never asked you and would never ask you to do this. To transition. I don’t expect it, I don’t seek it but I would not reject it if you chose it. I would join my life to yours now, this night if it was what you wanted. I don’t care about curses and blood. I had hoped you understood me well enough now to know that. I also do not expect you to surrender who you are, to leave behind the mage’s world any more than I hope you would expect me to leave behind this world. I don’t expect you to surrender your family and friends and I don’t expect you to demand I do so either.”
Evan saw the passion in her face and he saw the tightly compressed lips that said she was angry. But what he heard was her say she would join her life to his if it was what he wanted. He slid out of the bed. He realized his state of undress as he rounded the footboard toward her but didn’t care—his usual modesty being set at naught. Reaching her he pulled her into his arms and held her there, running his lips over hers and down her throat.
Bringing his mouth to nuzzle against her ear he whispered, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply… I just needed you to know where I stood.”
She stood stiffly, only the softly closed eyes betrayed her reaction to him. Moving his lips to brush the soft pulse point behind her ear he let his tongue slip out and stroke it. She stood still, waiting. “Kira, it’s so fast but I need to know. Do you love me? Do you want to be with me? Not for tonight but forever?”
Her body relaxed and she pressed against him. “Yes, Evan. I do. I do love you. I do want to be with you. Yes.” He pulled her mouth to his and pressed a long, deep kiss onto her lips.
Murmuring against her lips he whispered, “I want it too, Kira. I love you too.” He backed away and led her back to the bed. “I’m exhausted, love. Come back to bed. Come back and let me sleep in your arms.”
He was so damn charming, she thought. So damn cute. One minute a passionate, sexy man you want in your bed and the next the sweet, boyish man you want simply to hold tight and protect. Love and protect.
Circle of Wolves
Chapter Thirteen
The Family Shame
He awoke the next morning with empty arms and ringing ears. The woman’s voice coming from the next room was fast approaching shrill. He knew from the pauses that it was an exchange and not a monologue but he couldn’t hear Kira’s voice. He pushed back the covers and sat up. Reclaiming his clothes from the pile he had left them in, he dressed and sat on the end of the bed waiting. He couldn’t follow the conversation. It wasn’t in English and he hadn’t taken the Babel Potion since Alexi had pointed out it wasn’t necessary.
He could catch no words he recognized except her name, Nakira Magdelena Petrov Gregoravitch. It’s never good when they use your full name, he thought. Shades of his mother’s yelling, “Evan William Forester, get in here,” made him cringe. Only a mother could sound like that.
There was however, one word that kept being repeated. Gadje. The word stood out because its sound was so different from the rest of the language. Their language seemed to have a Germanic base. It was guttural and harsh. This word sounded different, its origin different. It was repeated several times as the woman berated Kira. Finally a question was asked and he heard Kira’s voice for the first time. The answer to the question was clear, resounding and in English.
“No, Mother, I am not going to come to my senses. In fact I think I am fairly well in tune with my senses and this is where they are leading me. I am sorry you can’t accept that but you need to stop the threats. Cull me if you will, if you think Father will let you, but stop the threats.”
The voice began to reply in the unrecognized language and was cut off by a Kira who sounded dauntingly powerful and dangerous. “Do not finish that threat, Mother. You will force me to do something we will both regret. Never threaten him. If you do not want to force a challenge, do not ever threaten him again.”
The door slammed. Evan sat looking at his hands. Her mother most definitely did not approve of him. He chuckled harshly at his thoughts. That is an understatement. Obviously the woman had threatened both him and Kira to try to stop them. He ran his hand down his face and closed his eyes. He had forgotten how hard this would be for her. She had just stood up to her mother, to the Alpha female and that could be dangerous. He was learning enough about their society to understand how similar to the wolf pack they were. One simply did not challenge the alpha pair and live to tell it, unless the Alpha lay dead, figuratively in this case, he hoped.
He heard her steps and looked up to find her entering the room. Her face was pale and her trembling hands were pressed to either side of her face. Her eyes met his and he saw the uncertainty written in them. He stood and went to her, taking her in his arms. She let her head fall against his cheek. “That did not go well.”
A barely audible grunt of derisive laughter pushed free from his lungs. “Even in your lang
uage I could tell that.”
“That last part wasn’t in our language, Evan.” Her voice was very controlled and wary.
“I know. I heard. She really hates me, doesn’t she? Usually someone has to meet me before they hate me so vehemently.”
He had hoped for a chuckle but Kira sighed. “She doesn’t hate you, Evan, she hates the idea of you. She hates that you are a curse wolf, hates that you are an Englishman, hates that you are a gadje, hates…”
He gently pushed her back and interrupted her. “That word, Kira. It’s one of the few I could pick out, what does it mean?”
“Gadje?”
He nodded.
“In its original use it means stranger, the other, one who is not us. It is not a part of our language but a word from another language, a language whose people have been tied to us for several centuries. They use it to refer to anyone who is not of their tribe or culture, for us it means, not curse wolf for in that you are part of us but mage or sorcerer.
“It is not a word we use often and it most likely slipped into her speech for the same reason it slipped into mine. We will be having visitors. Visitors who speak that language. That’s what she came to tell me. Instead of bearing happy news she found herself staring at her daughter lying in the arms of an obviously unclothed man.”
Kira looked up and shook her head. That wasn’t it. It wasn’t that he was unclothed or that he was lying with her. It was what he was. “I wish I could say that it was simply moral outrage for her daughter’s virtue that had her behaving this way, Evan but I won’t insult your intelligence. I’m afraid it has more to do with the fact that she is not as tolerant as my father. That and the fact that I have been a disappointment almost from day one. She and I do not agree on anything and she was sorely disappointed when I was born with the Archivist’s gift. Then I made choices she disagreed with, the least of those was Valeri. Now I have shamed her and disgraced her again.”
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