by Lydia Kelly
And I do blame you for ruining what we had. I had been prepared to run away with you, to start over and to trust you. But you took that from me. I was angry and hurt by what you did to me, to us. But what you did for Julie and what you did for Carla, that makes up for it. I’m still alive and breathing; they are not.
I suppose, in a way, what you did gave me a choice. I could feel it happening, you know? I could feel myself start to heal and I knew that with only a little persuasion, I could push you from my heart entirely. I doubt you will ever be pushed from my mind but I’m convinced I could learn not to love you. But, Kaden, I do want to believe that you are a person I should love, that somewhere inside of you there is a person who deserves me. Please don’t believe that I want you to prove anything to me. I want to find it for myself and I’m not ashamed to say that I will be searching for it.
I don’t know how long I will stay in Paris . I love this city and staying in the apartment where you used to live will make it terribly hard for me to leave. I’ll be waiting for your letters and most likely re-reading all of the old ones until the pages have fallen apart. I don’t want some declaration of love in your next letter. I don’t want more confessions of guilt. I just want you to be you and to write from your heart and to wrrite for yourself and not for me because I have everything I need right here in your apartment.
I love you, Kaden. Against my better judgment and sense, I love you and I’m making the conscious decision to keep loving you until the day I die. But for right now, please keep sending me letters and we’ll figure this out together. I have hope for us.
You have my heart,
Raleigh
Lydia Kelly grew up in Portland, Oregon where she lives with her husband. She attributes much of her creative inspiration to her friends and family who have always supported her every venture. Screaming in the Silence is her first novel and she is currently working on a series of young adults books.
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