by Zack Zombie
A feeling that. . .Oh, wait a minute. . .
Yank!
Oh! So that’s where that grub went.
I thought it ghosted when I was eating lunch today.
Guess not.
Crunch!
So, what was I thinking about again?
Oh yeah. . .lunch.
Thursday
After school today, all the guys and Ichabod came over to my house.
“Hey, what if we blow another hole in the fabric of reality and disrupt the space time continuum,” Creepy asked.
“That would be so cool,” Skelee said.
“Yeah, maybe I’ll meet my clone in an alternate universe. . .I really hope he’s cooler than me and has a girlfriend,” Slimey said.
“I think your clone is a square no matter what universe he’s from,” Skelee said. “Ha, ha!”
“Zombie, do you think it’s wise to fiddle with the laws of the universe?” Ichabod said. “The consequences may be disastrous.”
Yeah, I still don’t know how this guy is part of the gang.
“Eh, what’s the worst that can happen?” I said. “Plus, I think Professor Spruce was just saying all that stuff to impress Ms. Bones.”
“Hey, did they find Ms. Bones head yet?” Creepy asked.
“Yeah, the Principal said she called and that she’s coming back in a few weeks. He said something about Ms. Bones having a ball at the Soccer Championship in Mexico. . . or did he say she was the ball? Eh, I can’t remember.”
“Zombie! Your father and I are leaving for the PTA meeting,” my mom yelled from downstairs.
So, me and the guys came downstairs to see them off.
“Zombie, please take care of your little brother while we’re gone. . .and I left you and the boys some cake in the refrigerator.”
I wonder if I can do some experiments on my little brother? I thought. Muahahaha!
“Zombie, you know I can hear your right?” my mom said.
What the what?!!
“You really need to close your mouth when you think.”
Then she gave me an embarrassing hug and kiss.
“. . .And no experiments on your little brother.”
“Okay, Mom. . .”
Then they left.
“CAKE!”
“Woohoo!”
“Brilliant!”
We all dug into the cake until there was only one piece left.
“Hey, we need to save that piece for the experiment,” I said. “So, make sure you don’t eat it.”
“Hey, Zombie. What’s up with your booger collection?” Slimey asked. “I didn’t see it in your room.”
“Oh, yeah, it’s gotten so big that I had to move it in the shed. Come check it out.”
Then me and the guys all went to the shed.
When we got back to the house, Steve and Pixelchu were in the kitchen.
“Whuff up Zumbfie?” Steve said as he licked the ring of icing from around his mouth.
“Aw, man. That was our last piece of cake. What are we going to use for our experiment now?”
All the guys were really bummed. It’s not every day you can rip a hole in the fabric of the universe.
“Hey, why don’t we make our own cake?” Skelee said.
“Yeah, Zombie, I’m sure you’ve seen your mom make it like a thousand times, right?” Steve asked.
“Uh. . .yeah, I guess.”
“Come on, ole chap. You can do it!” Ichabod said.
“Sure, why not.”
“Brilliant!”
So, we all started tearing the kitchen apart looking for ingredients that looked like they belonged in a cake.
Then I got a big pot that we could throw stuff into.
“So, what’d you guys find?”
“Well, I found Wheat, Eggs, Milk, and Sugar,” Creepy said.
“Great. Throw it in,” I said.
“Hey, I found a Potato,” Steve said. “But I’ve never seen a potato with green spots like these before.”
“Eh. . .throw it in.”
“I found a Beetroot,” Slimey said.
“I found this,” Skelee said, holding up a round purple fruit. “I think I saw a kid at school eating this once. . .and you know, now that I think of it, I haven’t seen him at school since.”
“Eh. . .throw it all in,” I said.
“I found this,” Ichabod said, holding up a jar of my nose hair collection.
“Throw it in,” I said. “I like my cake with a little extra texture.”
“How about these?” Skelee said, holding up a box of fireworks. “They could add some color to the mix.”
“Uh. . .sure, throw it in.”
We found a few more odds and ends in the kitchen and around the house and threw it into the pot.
We mixed it all together and poured into the biggest crafting table we could find and then. . .
“POP!”
Out popped a cake!
“Uh. . .is cake supposed to look like that?” Slimey asked.
“Eh, I’m sure it’s fine. They say that some cakes come in assorted flavors. . .” I said.
“What flavor is that?”
“From the looks of it, I’d say this one is probably Chocoslimebuttlivertoecheeseearwaxpusfillednosehairbunionscab flavored,” Steve said.
“Who wants to try it?” I said.
Then, we all turned to look at Ichabod. Perfect time for an initiation.
“Me? I’m sorry, gentlemen, but I am severely allergic,” Ichabod said.
“Allergic to what?”
“Allergic to stupid,” Ichabod said.
“Anybody else?”
Then we all looked at Creepy.
Naah, Zombie. I thought to myself. Don’t even think about it.
Well, nobody had the guts to try it.
“I guess I’ll do it!” I said. Even though I don’t have guts.
“ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE!” they started chanting my name.
So, I stuck my hand into our creation and pulled out a chunk.
“ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE!” they kept chanting.
Then I brought it closer to my face.
“ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE!” Then they started getting louder and louder.
Until finally. . .
GULP!
CHEW, CHEW, CHEW.
“Hey, Steve, I think he likes it!” Skelee said.
“I got to admit. . .” Chew. . . Chew. . .“ It isn’t that bad. Kinda tastes like a rubber tire, but with a nice tang to it. . .with a hint of mint. . .Almost like moldy pumpkin pie, but with a gamey flavor. . .” Chew. . .Chew.
“Great, so now we can test it on Pixelchu,” Steve said.
So, Steve brought Pixelchu into the kitchen.
“Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?” Steve kept saying.
ZZZZAAAPPPP!!!!!
After we put the fire out, we put a plate of cake in front of Pixelchu.
He started sniffing around the plate a little bit.
“Hey, I think he’s gonna eat it,” Skelee said.
Then the rumbling started.
“Uh. . .guys. . .I’m not feeling so good,” I said.
“What’s the matter, Zombie?”
“RRRRRUUUMMMBBBLLLEEEE!”
“What was that?” Steve asked.
“I think it was me,” I said.
“You need to go number two?” Steve asked.
“More like two. . .hundred,” I said.
Then the weirdest feeling came over me. It kind of felt like somebody took the lower half of my body and pulled it out of my
nostrils.
Then one end of my body erupted. . .
“PFFPRTRTRGURTRUFNASUTUTUTPRRTGGGGPHHLLGGGSPLLAATTT!!!!!”
“Oh, man! Run for cover,” Steve yelled. “There’s a three second delay!”
Then, Steve picked up Pixelchu and ran out of the kitchen.
Right when we made it out of the house we heard. . .
“BOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!”
Friday
Well, I stayed home from school again today.
Still recovering from the explosion.
Now you’re probably wondering what happened.
Let’s just say that the only hole in the universe that we ripped open was the one that’s left where our kitchen used to be. . .
. . .And where my butt used to be.
Explosive diarrhea. . .
So wrong.
Yeah, I’m also grounded again.
Not because I have no butt. . .
. . .But because of the explosion.
You, know. . .the one that gave me no butt.
Well, anyway. Now, I got no TV, no video games, no hang outs, no Internet and no cake. . .
For how long?
I don’t know. . .my mom said something about BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH when the Nether freezes over.
We never did find out if Pixelchu is Experiment 115.
But it doesn’t matter now. The Pixelmon tournament is tomorrow, and I’m gonna miss it.
Man, I’m gonna miss all those cool Pixelmon battling each other.
I’m gonna miss all those cool Pixelmon moves.
And I’m gonna miss seeing who becomes the greatest Pixelmon trainer in all of Minecraft.
It was supposed to be me, but now. . . forget it!
All the guys are gonna to be there, the whole school is gonna be there, and even Steve is gonna be there.
And I’m gonna miss the whole thing.
It’s so unfair!
No way! I’ve got to figure out a way to get there.
No matter what it takes, I’m going to become the greatest Pixelmon trainer in all of Minecraft!
Rrruuuummmmbbbllleeee. . .
That is, if I make it through the diarrhea apocalypse. . .
. . .Oooooohhhhh.
Saturday
I almost didn’t make it to the tournament this morning.
My parents wanted to take me somewhere special today because they wanted to cheer me up for losing my butt.
But I needed to make it to the tournament.
So, I made believe like I was still sick.
It was a little hard because Zombie butts grow back real fast.
So, I cut a hole in my bed and put my new butt in it.
Then I took a black marker and went to town on my face and arms.
I looked like an Enderman that lost a fight with a blender.
But, it worked like a charm.
My mom and dad decided to go out with my little brother instead and leave me home alone.
Whoever said that education is wasted on the young?
But, man, it’s been an awesome tournament so far.
The kids brought some amazing Pixelmon to the tournament.
And the Pixelmon moves they did were amazing, too.
They had Pixelmon doing stuff I had never seen before.
They had moves like:
Air Biscuit
Nose Picker
Break Wind
Toe Jam
Back Wash
Ugly Stick
Wet Willie
Dragon Breath
Barking Spider
John Cena
Projectile Vomit
And one Pixelmon called a Creeperchu even had a move called Hydrogen Bomb.
He used it once in a battle, and it was awesome!
Except. . .he didn’t make it to the finals.
But no matter how powerful the moves were, nobody could beat Bruh-Ninja’s Fang Attack.
And now it was up to me because me and Pixelchu made it to the finals, too.
So, it was me and Pixelchu versus Johnny and Bruh-Ninja.
The battle is going to be tough especially since Pixelchu hurt his knee in the last battle.
The funny thing is, so did I.
It’s like me and Pixelchu are bonded on a mental, emotional and physical level.
Even when we need to pee.
I’m just glad I’m wearing my dark pants.
Well, the finals are going to start in a few minutes.
But I thought I would jot down my thoughts, for history’s sake.
You know, so they can teach Minecraft Mob kids about the greatest Pixelmon Players that ever lived.
Yeah, I know. I’m being modest.
Well, anyway, here we go!
Saturday Afternoon
I can’t believe it!
It was the most amazing battle ever!
The way Pixelchu fought was glorious!
I knew he could do it!
I’m just mad I’m not the Pixelmon champion of the world.
Yeah, just when you think a Zombie can finally get some respect around here, something always happens.
Now, you’re probably wondering what happened. . .
Well, me and Pixelchu had Bruh-Ninja on the ropes. But, man, was he strong.
No matter how many lightning bolts Pixelchu shot at Bruh-Ninja, he took them all.
And he was still standing!
Pixelchu and I were still beat up from Bruh-Ninja’s Back Slap attack. But we weren’t gonna give up.
And Bruh-Ninja hadn’t used his Fang Attack yet, but we knew it was coming.
“What do you think Pixelchu? Do you think you still have it in you to take it to the end?”
“Chu. . .Chu!”
“All right, buddy! Let’s try something different. Pixelchu use HEAD BUTT!”
Pixelchu ran as fast as he could at Bruh-Ninja.
“BRUH-NINJA USE FANG!” Johnny yelled.
“BRUH-NINJAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”
SLAM!
Just as Pixelchu was about to land the winning shot on Bruh-Ninja, suddenly these large teeth came out of the ground and slapped shut on little Pixelchu.
“OH NO! PIXELCHU!”
Little Pixelchu was trapped in Bruh-Ninja’s Fang attack.
I could tell that the Fang Attack was draining Pixelchu of all his energy. It was draining my energy, too. And I kept getting weaker and weaker. But I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
I’m sorry, Pixelchu. We’re gonna lose because I wasn’t strong enough to help you. Forgive me, my friend.
As Pixelchu and I were down on one knee, suddenly, I saw something glimmering from the corner of my eye socket.
It looked like a white and brown block with little red dots on it.
It flew across the sky toward Pixelchu in what looked like slow motion.
Until, finally, little Pixelchu used all his strength to jump up and catch it with his two front teeth.
IT WAS CAKE!
Somebody threw a piece of cake at Pixelchu.
Pixelchu devoured it quickly.
Suddenly, there was a rumbling sound and a giant white flash of light that came from where Pixelchu was standing and covered everything.
My whole thirteen-year-old life flashed before my eyes. Yeah, it went pretty fast.
But the thing I thought of most was my friendship with Pixelchu.
Pixelchu, even though we didn’t win, I’m just glad that I met you and that you became my friend. I will never forget you.
Goodbye. . .
Yeah. . .no.
The giant fla
sh of light didn’t kill us.
It just opened a giant portal where a giant robot came out that used a humongous vacuum cleaner to suck up all the Pixelmon up and transport them to another dimension.
No, I’m serious.
There’s like no Pixelmon left in Minecraft.
Even Pixelchu is gone.
Now everything is back to boring old Minecraft World.
And I’m back to my boring old middle school Zombie life.
What do you mean what am I going to do about it?
I have no idea. I’m just a thirteen-year-old Zombie. What am I supposed to do?
What do you mean that Pixelchu was my friend?
I know he was my friend.
I’m just. . .you know. . .lazy.
What do you mean he needs my help?
How do you know, anyway?
You’re just an annoying voice in my head that I am talking to while I’m writing in my diary.
Yeah. . .yeah. . .I know. . .it’s not right, and I need to gather up the guys and do something crazy to save Pixelchu and all the Pixelmon, and save Minecraft World from utter devastation at the hands of a maniacal villain that is trying to take over the universe. Blah, blah, blah. . .
But where do I start? I don’t even know where they are.
What do you mean Woodland Mansion is a great place to start?
Just because they did illegal experiments there, and it’s where they first created Pixelchu, and Team Cube was talking about the boss and how the boss needs Pixelmon for a big experiment, and that he’s doing his experiment at Woodland Mansion, doesn’t mean. . .
Uh. . .oh. . .yeah. . .
Okay. You got me.
Let’s do this.
Sunday
So, I gathered all the guys at my house.
“Hey, where’s Steve?” I asked.