“But you’re not very good at it,” he said, cautiously. “You come to these parties, but you’re really not into the scene. You smoke, but you’re not really a smoker. You got that piercing, because you wanted to do something crazy. And you’re probably not really as in love with your boyfriend as you think you are, but you’d never admit it outright.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but nothing came out. He was pretty much hitting the nail on the head, and it was a little disconcerting. Hell, it was a lot disconcerting.
“I’d guess that you’re probably scared to do anything radical that might have a permanent effect on your life, so you’re scratching the surface on shaking things up. Oh, and I’d guess that you’re a cheerleader and on student council, but that’s just a guess.”
Zack settled back against the step behind him, rested on his elbows and stared at me. I was well-aware that my mouth was slightly hanging open, so much so that I almost didn’t catch the last thing he said. I started to tell him I wasn’t in high school when he said something that gave me pause.
“Oh, and you really are thinking about what it would be like to kiss me, but you’d never actually admit it. How right was I, princess?” he asked smugly.
“You weren’t exactly right,” I said haughtily. “And don’t call me princess.”
He leaned forward, so his face was inches from mine. “Yeah, but I was close wasn’t I.”
“That is beside the point,” I said, not giving him the satisfaction that he was right about anything, especially that I wanted to kiss him, although now that he brought it up, I was thinking about it. His kissable lips were very close to mine.
He laughed lightly. “I have a knack for that – you know, observing and reading people. I was a psych major in college.”
“Oh yeah?”
He nodded once. “I also know firsthand what it’s like to fix things with alcohol, and I can tell you it doesn’t work.”
“Excuse me?” I asked, caught off-guard by his statement.
“Keep in mind that I’m not judging or anything, but I’ve paid attention to you over the past few weeks.” I narrowed my eyes, waiting for him to continue. “Call it instincts, but I can tell you’re not a big drinker, yet you guzzle the stuff like it’s water. It’s not going to fix what’s wrong.”
“What is this, an anti-drinking PSA? ‘Cause I don’t need a lecture,” I said, my defenses heightening.
My recreational drinking habits, however excessive they’d been as of late, certainly weren’t any of his business, even if I knew deep down that he was right. I’d been drowning what was bothering me each night in an attempt to make things better or more fun or something, but each day I still woke up with that nagging feeling in my mind that I didn’t have any more answers than when I’d gone to bed. It was frustrating.
Zack sighed, obviously sensing my irritation. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but for whatever reason, you caught my attention, and I can see that if you’re not careful, you could head down a road that’s pretty bleak.”
“You’ve been down that road, I presume?”
“Let’s just say I had few dark months myself before I realized that no matter how drunk I got, my problems were still there when I woke up. I just had a raging hangover to go with them.”
“So you’re like a recovering alcoholic?” I asked, stunned that someone so young could carry that title.
He laughed. “No, I’m not. I just learned to deal with my problems head-on instead of trying to bury them.”
“And you think I should do that?”
“I’m not your shrink. I’m not here to tell you what to do, but I’m just saying there are other options.” He leaned forward, appraising me for a few seconds. “You just don’t seem like the kind of girl who’d get caught up in all this bullshit,” he said, gesturing up to the party I’d forgotten was going on above us.
I was unnerving how well this guy could read me – scarily unnerving – and I didn’t want him doing it anymore.
“Okay, then,” I said, maintaining my composure, so he wouldn’t be able to tell how unraveled I’d become in the past few minutes. “Thanks for the advice. I’ll definitely take it under advisement.”
“No problem,” he said, as he took a satisfied drag off of his cigarette.
“My turn,” I said then. “Let me analyze you.”
He smirked at me.“Go ahead, princess.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes at his nickname for me. I wasn’t a big fan, especially since my brother had mockingly called me that for years, but I let it go. I didn’t need him to have any more ammunition against me.
“You act all tough, but you’re really sensitive. You’ve been upset about something for a while, but you don’t like to think or talk about, so you’ve learned to turn your emotions off, like you’re doing right now. I don’t know what made you that way, but I’d guess it’s a girl – mostly because you seem really arrogant, so you probably did something shitty to this girl and are now regretting your actions. Oh, and you know that I have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t seem to stop you from flirting with me.”
He smiled after a few beats. “It was a nice effort.”
I shrugged. “Oh well. I tried. We can’t all have degrees in psychology.”
He laughed. “And she’s not modest. Good deal.”
“Well, you weren’t exactly right about me,” I countered, putting the ball back in his court.
“Oh, and what did I get wrong?” he asked arrogantly. “Are you not a cheerleader? You’re really on the dance team?”
I narrowed my eyes at his smugness. “No, I’m not cheerleader,” I finally said. “I used to be, but then I graduated high school – three years ago.”
I let my statement hang out there as Zack looked at me quizzically, and I could tell he was trying to decipher if I was telling him the truth. I spoke up again before he could say anything else.
“Yes, I am well-aware of the fact that I look like I’m twelve. For the record, I’ll be twenty-two in September.”
“I actually was going to go with eighteen, not twelve,” Zack said, matching my confidence.
“Common mistake,” I said, waving my hand at him.
“So are you really in love with your boyfriend?” Zack asked, changing gears and giving me a skeptical look. “Did I get that wrong too?”
“Yes, you did, and yes, I’m in love with him,” I said definitively, but the words didn’t sound as confident when I heard them spoken out loud. I was also well-aware that each second with Zack seemed to push Ben further from my mind.
Zack leaned even closer to me, scooting down to the landing, so we were just inches apart. “Then why did you tell me I had kissable lips? If you love your boyfriend so much, why were you thinking about kissing another guy?”
“I–,” I started to say but couldn’t get the words out. He was making me completely tongue-tied.
“Do you know what I think?”
I just shook my head.
“I think you need to stop trying so hard,” he said, pulling away from me and resting his elbows on the step behind him.
I gave him an incredulous look. “Excuse me?”
“Do you like who you are, Emily? Do you like your life?”
Seriously! How was he doing that?
I sighed loudly, letting out a long, slow breath of air. “Like I said, my life is predictable. I’ve worked so hard for what I have, but now that I have it, it’s not really all that great. I keep thinking there should be something more, you know?”
“Then stop trying so hard to be the person you think you should be and just be yourself,” Zack said, as if it were that simple.
“Don’t you think if I knew who I was supposed to be, I’d be that person?” I snapped.
He shook his head. “You’re not getting it. Don’t think. Don’t try. Just go with your gut.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to make sense of what he was saying.
“What would y
ou do right now, if there were no consequences?” he asked, appraising me but not judging. He was honestly asking.
“There are always consequences,” I said, shaking my head at his notion.
He leaned forward again. “Pretend there aren’t. What’s one thing you would do tonight if you knew you wouldn’t get caught and no one would find out?”
Now I’m sure he expected me to say something profound or mention a daring act that scared me, but it was hard to focus on anything but his lips, so close to mine, and before I knew what was happening, I leaned forward, closing the space between us.
In the heat of the moment, I let myself not think about what I was doing and what it would mean. I did exactly what he said as I went with my gut, did the one thing I wanted to do more than anything in that moment and kissed him, hard, right on the lips as electricity shot throughout my body with our connection.
Only when we pulled apart did I realize that I’d just cheated on Ben, but some part of me justified it. I’d enjoyed kissing Zack more than I’d ever admit, and I’d be lying if I said he didn’t look like he felt the same way.
“Okay, that was so not what I expected,” he said, gazing at me with a dazed look on his face, and I was suddenly self-conscious that he didn’t enjoy the kiss.
“I’m sorry,” I said, almost instantaneously. It was a gut reaction since I really wasn’t sorry at all that I’d done it, but it felt like the right thing to say.
He shook his head. “Don’t be sorry,” he said, smirking slightly. “I’d bet that’s the first time in your life you’ve ever been impulsive. Don’t apologize for it.”
“Nah” I said, waving my hand in dismissal. “I hauled off and punched a girl a few weeks ago when I caught her kissing my boyfriend. That was the most impulsive I’ve ever been.
Zack nodded his head, seemingly impressed with what I’d revealed. Then he smirked. “I thought you didn’t want to kiss me?” He leaned back again but didn’t move up to the bottom step he’d been sitting on before.
I noticed the cocky air he’d been exuding as he psychoanalyzed me had diminished, and I wondered just how off-guard I’d caught him with the kiss.
I shrugged, playing coy. “Things change.”
“What would your boyfriend say? Would he punch me if he saw what we just did?”
“Probably,” I said, matching his confidence. “But he’s not here.”
“No, he’s not,” was all Zack said, his gaze never leaving mine.
“We’ve been together for five years,” I suddenly blurted out, not really sure why I was opening up to a guy, who still hadn’t officially told me his name. “I love him. I really do. He’s perfect, but lately I’ve been feeling sort of unhappy with him.”
Zack raised an eyebrow at me which I interpreted as him questioning how perfect Ben really was if he was making me unhappy. It was exactly what I’d been thinking but had been afraid to admit.
“He loves me so much, and he wants to marry me.”
“How does that make you feel?” Zack asked, and I couldn’t help smirk at his shrink-like question.
“A little excited, a little freaked out. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with. What if I’m settling for the first guy I meet and there’s someone else out there who’s a better match for me. I don’t know. He keeps talking about getting engaged and moving in together after we graduate, but I just don’t know. I sort of followed him to college. He got a scholarship to play football at UNC, so I went with him, so we wouldn’t have to break up, and I haven’t regretted it, but I’ve always wondered what would have happened if I’d have gone somewhere else.”
Zack nodded, as if he understood.
“I just kind of hate that I was the kind of girl who followed a guy somewhere, and I’m afraid that if I follow him after college, I’ll be missing out on something great, you know? It’s like I’ve been having all these thoughts lately about wanting to see the world and experience different things. I’ve been taking baby steps, like getting my nose pierced. I haven’t told Ben about that, because I’m afraid he’ll be disappointed in me. I also haven’t told him how much I’m second-guessing so much about my life. I haven’t told him a lot of things.”
“Have you told him about me?” Zack asked, a slight smirk on his face.
“What?” I asked, thinking he was crazy. “I don’t even know your name. Why would I tell him about you?”
He shrugged. “I’m a pretty memorable guy, that’s all. It’s Zack, by the way. My name.”
“I know,” I said.
“Oh yeah, I thought you didn’t know my name?”
“I’m friends with Molly. She mentioned you. I just didn’t want you to think I knew who you were.”
“See, there you go thinking again,” he said, shaking his head. Then he sighed. “Did you hear us fighting earlier?”
“Yeah, I did. What’s the deal with you guys anyway?” I asked, taking my shot to see if they were dating. A part of me hoped he’d say no, especially since I’d just kissed him.
“She’s my cousin – my over-protective cousin who doesn’t know when to butt out.”
Oh, they were related. That actually made sense. I wondered why Molly had never introduced me to him. We’d all been at a lot of the same parties that summer, and I’d met the rest of her family.
“Sometimes it’s good when people butt in,” I said, “even if you don’t realize it at the time.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes it’s better if people just mind their own business,” he said, and I took that as a cue that I needed to stop prying.
He stared at the ocean, so I stared down the beach, not sure what to do or say next. After five minutes of silence, I was debating whether to get up and go inside. If Zack wanted to be alone, I would let him. But before I could move, he said something that made me stop.
“So, Emily, how ironic is it that we met in your hometown and again here?”
“I’d say it’s pretty ironic. I never thought I’d run into Cute Coffeehouse Guy again,” I said, realizing too late that I’d said that out loud. I clamped my hand over my mouth.
Zack’s eyes widened in surprise. “Cute Coffeehouse Guy?” he questioned, smirking slightly.
I felt my face flush scarlet and automatically looked down.
“Huh,” he said. “I like it.”
I was afraid to look at him for fear I would burst into flames. I thought if I could run away without looking like an idiot, I’d do it, but there was no way I’d be able to achieve that. I fixed my gaze on the wooden boards of the stairs instead. A few minutes passed without any words exchanged, but I could tell Zack was staring at me.
“Well, I’m going to in now,” he said. “I need to get home. Thanks for the kiss, princess.”
I just nodded, turning red again as I stared at the ground. I heard him stand and start back up the stairs, thankful my embarrassment was finally ending.
“Don’t worry,” he said, from halfway up the stairs. I raised my head involuntarily to look at him. “If I’d have been that creative, I would have come up with a similar nickname for you.” He flashed me a wide smile. “For now I’ll just call you, the cute girl I can’t stop thinking about, and who I’m so glad isn’t in high school.”
Chapter Fifteen
It was three days before I saw Zack again, but I couldn’t get him out of my head. I looked for him wherever I went, but he seemed to be missing in action. I even asked Molly about him, but she said he was just staying in.
I thought a lot about what he’d said about finding other ways to deal with my issues and being impulsive and not thinking. I even considered what that would mean in the grand scheme of things even though I guess that defeated the purpose of being spontaneous. I couldn’t help it. Not thinking about consequences just wasn’t in my nature. And even though I knew where he lived, and it would be incredibly spontaneous, I couldn’t bring myself to impulsively stop by and see him.
And it would have been wrong anyway, because I had a boyfriend
. I sighed. Ben.
I talked to him every night but found that when I should be thinking of him I wasn’t. I was thinking about the sad guy with dark hair and light brown eyes who I’d kissed a few days earlier. I was wondering what it would be like to kiss him again. I was a bad girlfriend, but I couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t stop thinking about Zack.
The day after the party, Chase and I had gone down to the beach. I’d been inside my head all morning and needed some perspective. It was still overcast, but it at least it wasn’t raining.
“How wrong is cheating,” I asked him, studying his face as he thought about what I said.
“Cheating on a test or on a person,” he asked, clarifying my question, as his hand absently raked through the wet sand in a hypnotic pattern.
“A person.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Did you cheat on that d-bag boyfriend of yours?”
I shot him a dirty look. “He’s not a d-bag, and I didn’t really cheat on him. I just kissed someone else. It was nothing.”
Chase offered me a cigarette, as he was pulling one out for himself, but I shook my head. Maybe if it had been one of Zack’s clove cigarettes I’d have taken him up on his offer, but I wasn’t a big fan of the regular kind.
“That dude walks around like he’s King Shit, still basking in his glory days when he was a high school football star. He’s a jerk to pretty much everyone, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was cheating on you. I mean for real, not just being attacked by Ashleigh Ballast at a party.”
“He’s not cheating on me,” I said calmly, knowing Ben would never do that. “Besides, he’s amazing at football. He should get to show off for it.”
“Okay,” Chase said. “We’re going to agree to disagree on that one, so let’s just drop it. Who’d you kiss?”
I shrugged. “Molly’s cousin, Zack. You know the guy who’s always playing his guitar by the bonfire. We were talking last night out on the deck at that party, and I kissed him. Now I can’t stop thinking about him.”
“I’ve met him,” Chase said. “He’s a cool guy. I’d say go for it. Who cares? You’re young.”
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