I fell for him just a little more in that moment as I saw how alight his eyes were. Zack wanted to get ice cream. He wanted to do something so PG that it was ironic but incredibly adorable at the same time.
“I love ice cream,” I said, feeling somewhat relieved that we were onto a lighter subject, and that I wasn’t going to have to flex my bad girl muscles anymore that night. I wasn’t great at it to begin with, so it was a relief to not have to pretend I was. “Let’s go get ice cream.”
We left the beach, walking back to where his bike was parked. That time I knew what to expect, so my apprehension wasn’t as prominent as I climbed on and wrapped my arms around his waist. I pressed my lips to his bare neck, letting them linger there for a few beats, before I pulled my helmet back on. Zack smiled back at me before he kick-started the bike and took off faster than he had before, causing me to tighten my grip on him.
He drove us back to a more populated area in the main part of town, parking the bike in the one of the spaces outside Sprinkles, one of the many ice cream parlors on the island. As we climbed off, he took the helmet from my hands and set it on the back of the bike. I realized I was shaking slightly. Zack noticed too when he took my hand in his.
“Sorry,” he said, realizing that his excessive speed had freaked me out just a little. He took my other hand and looked down at me. “The speed helps me calm down. I didn’t realize how fast I was going.”
“It’s okay,” I said, shaking my head as I started to relax. His proximity was serving as a calming agent.
“Good,” he said quietly, as sheepish look crossing his face. “I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I liked how close you got when I started to speed up. I might have done it a little for that too.”
He let go of my hand and raised his to my face, tracing my jaw line with his index finger. I shivered involuntarily at the ultra-seductive movement, taking a step closer, looking deep into his light eyes. I brought my hand to rest on his lower back, underneath his t-shirt.
“If you want me to get closer, there are other ways to do it,” I said, leaving my statement open-ended. I gave him a pointed look, dropped my hand and turned away, leaving him staring after me. I started to walk toward the ice cream parlor, smiling to myself.
Zack caught up with me, his arms catching me around the waist as he pulled me back against his chest. His lips met the hollow of my neck, just above my collarbone.
“I’d be careful about saying things like, princess,” he said, his voice rough and urgent. “I don’t think you know what you’re insinuating.”
I spun in his arms, partly annoyed at his insinuation. “For the record, I know exactly what it means. Just because I look naïve, doesn’t mean I am.”
With that, I pulled out of his grasp and walked away from him, yanking on the door to the ice cream parlor. Zack followed behind me, his hand slipping into mine as he leaned down to whisper in my ear. Families were all around us, and I was sure he didn’t want them to hear what he was saying.
“I apologize for assuming,” he whispered, his warm breath tickling my cheek. “Please forgive me.”
When I looked up at him, he was giving me puppy dog eyes, and I couldn’t hold onto my resolve any longer. I laughed out loud, shaking my head at him.
“You are extremely conniving, mister,” I said, poking him in the chest, “especially when you apologize in that sexy voice of yours.”
He just smirked at me and gripped my hand tighter. “You think my voice is sexy?”
I rolled my eyes dramatically. “Please, you know how girls feel about southern charm. Tell me you don’t use it to your advantage.”
“I have no idea what you’re referring too, ma’am,” he said, turning his accent up a few notches so he sounded really country.
He pulled me close and leaned down to kiss me, letting his lips linger on mine for just long enough that it affected me in a way that was most inappropriate for our surroundings. When he pulled back and smiled at me, I had to take a few calming breaths to find my center again. Zack could tell and chuckled lightly as he pulled me back against his chest once again.
Once we got our ice cream, we sat at an outside table that wasn’t crowded with kids eating drippy cones, who seemed to be everywhere. I methodically licked my two scoops of cookies and cream while Zack concentrated on tackling his three scoops of coffee, chocolate peanut butter and vanilla, which I thought was an boring flavor to add into the mix, but he said you had to have vanilla to balance out the other flavors which sort of made sense when you thought about it.
As we ate, we let the sexual tension drop away. Zack opened up and told me more about himself. He was originally from Asheville, was twenty-four and had been a semester away from graduating from Duke when his mom had gotten sick for the second time. He’d left Durham after graduation and had gotten a job at a bar on the island, playing cover songs a few nights a week and bartending, while simultaneously taking care of his mom. He said he was still undecided about his plans for the future and whether he’d actually use his psychology degree at any point.
He told me about growing up in Asheville, summering on the island, and how his extended family would join them every summer for a month. After his mom had gone into remission the first time, she’d decided to permanently move to their home in to the Outer Banks. He smiled when he talked about how happy she was to have her family there again that summer. Although everyone pretty much knew it was probably the last time they’d all be together. They didn’t talk about it, but it was more of a subtle understanding that hovered in the air at all times.
He said didn’t go out much, which explained why I hadn’t seen him at every party, since he liked to stay at home to keep his mom company. But on the nights when she was too tired or realized that he’d been at home too long, she’d kick him out, telling him to go out, have fun and be young. That night had been one of those nights, but he hadn’t felt like going to a party, so he’d found his way to the beach instead. He said he was an only child, which I interpreted to mean that he was bearing the full brunt of his mother’s illness, but had to think it was a relief to have his aunts there to help that summer.
I was blown away with all that he’d gone through compared to me in almost the same amount of years. It was no wonder he seemed so mature. He’d dealt with so many more adult situations than I ever had.
“What does your tattoo say?” I asked, seemingly catching him off-guard.
“Which one?”
“How many do you have?” I’d just seen the one peeking out from his shirt-sleeve and the script on his arm. Were there more? How much did I want to go on a hunt to find them all?
“I’ve got a few,” he said leaning back in his chair.
“I was talking about the script on your arm.”
He nodded slowly but pulled back his sleeve to reveal the lines etched into his skin.
“When you have nothing left to lose. When there’s nothing left to gain. You find yourself at the edge of the world, wishing nothing would have changed,” I read and instantly got a twisted feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“All you can do is jump,” he said, and I looked up at him in confusion.
“What?”
“That’s the next line in the song.”
“These are lyrics?”
He nodded.
“Did you write them?”
He nodded again and swallowed hard.
“They’re beautiful.”
“Thanks,” he said, but it came out strained, and he quickly moved his hand to his lap, so the lyrics were out of my line of sight.
I instantly knew I needed to change the subject and fast. As much as I was dying to know more about the song, what inspired it and what the rest of the lyrics were, I knew it wasn’t the right time. I opened my mouth to ask a different question, but Zack beat me to it. He asked about me, and because I knew it was the only thing that might flip his mood around, I told him, and I didn’t hold back.
By the time we�
��d finished our ice cream, I felt like I knew him on a level that I’d never known Ben on. I felt like there was so much more to him than on the surface, where with Ben, what you saw was what you got. It wasn’t a bad thing, it just wasn’t as exciting.
We rode back to his house, but when I started to say goodnight, I realized he wasn’t going to let go of my hand. He walked me back to my house instead, and we talked the whole way, almost as if it were impossible for us to run out of things to say. It was still early when we reached my house, and the whole place was dark, so I knew it was safe. I invited him in to watch a movie, and was grateful when he accepted, as I could tell he didn’t want the night to end either.
I flipped on lights as I moved through the house, wishing my mom would have at least left one on when she left to go to the Wednesday night book club she’d joined at the library. We went into the den where the comfy couch and the big TV were but never made it to the movie. Zack put his arms around me as soon as we got into the room.
He kissed me deeply, his strong arms pulling me to him. His hands moved under my sweatshirt, grazing my skin and leaving trails of heat in their wake. I let my hands slide into his back pockets and pulled him closer still, and he groaned slightly. Before I knew what was happening, his lips moved to my neck and my head fell back. I sighed as he kissed his way down my collarbone.
“Are you sure you want this?” he asked, his voice sounding just a little breathless as he pulled back and looked at me. “It’s not too late for me to leave. I don’t want to ruin something for you.”
I looked up into his eyes, his dark hair framing his face, thinking that it was already too late. I sighed and looked down in an effort to gather my thoughts. Then I looked back up at him and decided right then and there what I was going to do.
I ran my fingers thought his hair and brought my hand to rest on his cheek. “I don’t want you to go,” I said softly, and he leaned down and kissed me again, taking me away from my doubts and uncertainty about what we were doing and what the consequences of my actions would be.
I took his hand and started to lead him out of the room, and he silently followed me upstairs, both of us knowing what was going to happen, but not acknowledging it. The sexual tension that had been bouncing between us since we’d stood next to his motorcycle a few hours earlier hadn’t waned any throughout the night. It was pulsing again as I led him down the hall, past Keely and Chase’s empty rooms to the open door to my room. He walked in, and I automatically locked the door behind me before crossing the room to my iPod player and choosing the ‘shuffle’ option.
I smiled at him and crossed the room, so I was standing in front of him. In that moment, I knew I was going to sleep with Zack, and he knew it too. I knew I was throwing away five years with Ben for a guy I hardly knew, but it was what I suddenly wanted more than anything. I didn’t think about the future or consequences or even if Zack would call me the next day. For one of the first times in my life, I lived in the moment, going after what I wanted so badly, never knowing if the decision I was making was good or bad. I just didn’t care.
“It’s not too late for me to leave. Think about it, princess. Is this really what you want?” Zack asked softly, and I could tell he was just saying that because he thought he should.
“Yes, it is,” I said, reaching forward and pulling his shirt up over his head.
***
Zack’s arms were around me and my head on Zack’s chest as we listened to the music emanating from my iPod. I knew my mother could come home anytime, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. I was too comfortable, lying there, tracing the lines of his visible tattoos. So far I’d found what he said was a Celtic knot on the upper part of his left arm and some kind of design with the letters ‘L’ and ‘E’ woven into it on the upper part of his right arm. He also had more lines of script on his rib cage, but I couldn’t read what they said in the dark.
“I like your tats,” I said, teasing him slightly as my hand traced patterns on his bare chest.
“Oh yeah?”
“Do they all mean something?” I asked, looking up at him.
He nodded. “Of course. I wouldn’t permanently brand myself with anything that didn’t have some kind of meaning.”
I nodded as I rested my head on his chest again, waiting for him to tell me what they meant, and knowing when he didn’t, that I probably shouldn’t ask. He’d tell me if he wanted to.
The song on my iPod changed then from something fast and upbeat to a soft melodic tune I knew all too well. It was Fall Away by Liar’s Edge and was one of my all-time favorites. What surprised me more was Zack singing quietly along with the lyrics. I looked up at him in question.
“You know this song?”
“Sure. They’re a Durham band. I listened to these guys all through college.”
“Wow, not many people have heard of them. They’re one of my favorites.”
“Yeah,” he said, his eyebrows rising slightly. I nodded. “Mine too. I’m actually surprised you have the album. It was never released nationally.”
“No, it wasn’t, but I picked it up at a show they did almost two years ago. My best friend Rachel and I are big fans. We kept waiting for them to become famous, or at least tour again, but they never did.”
“Yeah, I heard they broke up. It’s actually been a while since I’ve heard this song,” he said, sounding sort of melancholy.
“I listen to it constantly. They’re pretty amazing. The lead singer is incredible. I love his voice – no offense, of course. I love your voice too.”
I realized it was probably bad form to compliment another guy’s musical talents when Zack was a musician himself.
He laughed. “None taken,” he said, leaning down to kiss me.
When he left, it was late, but I called Ben anyway. I left a message, telling him that we needed to talk. I couldn’t keep what I’d done from him. I couldn’t ignore my feelings for Zack and pretend that I was still in love with Ben. It wasn’t fair to him.
***
The next day, when he called me back, I told him I needed to take a break. I explained that I had a lot going on, I needed some time to think, and I didn’t think it was fair to hold him back. I wasn’t going to tell him about Zack, simply because it would hurt him too much, and I still cared about Ben, even if I wasn’t in love with him.
Ben argued that he only wanted to be with me and could live with whatever I wanted as long as we didn’t break up. I swallowed hard after that comment since it sounded so desperate, and I knew I couldn’t give him even close to what he wanted.
After an hour of back and forth, tears and pleas and every bargain under the sun, I finally got fed up and said, “Ben, I slept with someone else.”
Ben didn’t respond at first.
“How could you do that to me?” he finally asked. His tone was cold, and I could hear how deep my confession had cut him.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, because it was the right thing to say. I’d honestly never wanted to hurt him, truly, and was so pissed off that I hadn’t had the guts to end things before they went too far.
“No you’re not,” he said, and I could hear him trying to hide the emotion in his voice. “Fuck, Emily! I was going to propose to you when we got back to school.”
I waited a few moments before responding, my stomach clenching at the thought that he really had no clue as to how far we’d drifted apart. He refused to see it.
“Ben, I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, but I just think we want different things.”
“I’ll say,” he snapped. “That’s obvious by the fact that you fucked someone else.”
I bit my lip not sure how to respond to that. It was true.
“Why did you do it,” he asked though gritted teeth.
“I don’t know,” I said, knowing I could never explain it to Ben.
“Was this all part of your new bad girl image? Was it?”
“What are you talking about?”
Ben laughed, a shor
t non-humorous laugh. “Oh please. You getting wasted and hanging out with your loser brother and that punk chick and getting your fucking nose pierced. Was this just the next step on your path to see how far you could fall this summer?”
I gasped at his words. They were so harsh. “How did you know about my piercing?”
“Rachel showed me a picture. Thanks for lying about that by the way.”
“Ben, I didn’t tell you, because I knew you’d react this way! What I’ve been doing this summer is nothing. They’re things that most normal people our age do. Hell, getting drunk and going to parties are things you do all the time!”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I want my future wife to do all that. I liked you because you were sweet and pure and good. I liked that you didn’t get wasted and dress like a slut and whore around like most girls I know. I guess I just expected more from you, and maybe that was my fault.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “You’re right, Ben. It was your fault. You’re the one who put me on some pedestal with a halo on top of my head and expected me to never to get tired of being the same boring person day in and day out. Couldn’t you see that I was breaking? Couldn’t you see that I was miserable and exhausted and literally falling apart?!”
The tears were streaming down my face by that point. I was so tired of going around and around with him, and his hurtful words were crashing down on me, making me feel like a horrible person for just trying to be myself.
“Then you should have talked to me instead of avoiding me. You should have told me what you were dealing with and let me help you. You should have told me you weren’t happy. We could have done something about it together.”
I could tell his earlier resolve was fading, and the hurt he was feeling was apparent.
“Ben, I couldn’t talk to you. You – our relationship – was one of the things that was making me unhappy. I’m so sorry, but it was. I never should have agreed to get back together with you, but I was scared, and you looked so sad, and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
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