But those were the good days, and a lot of our time together was dictated by how his mother was feeling. On good days, when he was okay leaving her with her sisters, we’d go out and be social, but on bad days when he didn’t feel like he could leave. Those were the days I hated the most because I knew they meant his mom was feeling especially bad. The hard thing was, as our time at the beach ebbed forward, his mom got progressively worse.
Between juggling work and his increased commitments at home, our time together was often limited or squeezed in late at night. He would be by her side as much as he could when she was awake, attending to her every need or just talking to her. On those days, it wouldn’t be until after she’d fallen asleep that Zack would come over to my house, usually his head hung low in defeat, frustrated that he couldn’t stop the force that was killing his mom.
The good thing was, he no longer stayed away for days on end like he had when we’d first started dating, but it was almost worse, because instead of seeing him after his mom was feeling better and he was in a good mood, I got to experience every emotion he was feeling as the ups and downs of her health played out on a daily basis. He didn’t hide from me, and as much as I appreciated that, it hurt worse that I couldn’t do anything to take away the anguish he felt.
He absorbed a lot of her pain, so much so that it was almost harder on him at times. She’d made her peace with what was going to happen, but he hadn’t, and there were nights when it almost ate him alive. It was nights like that when we’d end up at his secluded beach by the rocks. We’d sit at the mouth of the cave, holding hands, his head on my shoulder, and look out at the ocean. Sometimes he would want to talk, other times he preferred the silence, and other times he just wanted to bury himself in things that would take his mind off his mom. It was almost as if it got too tough for him to be sad, so he just shut down that emotion and forced himself to be happy, or at least blissfully unaware.
A few weeks after we started seeing each other Zack asked me if I wanted to meet his mother. He said it in such a way that made me think he’d thought I would say no. He said that a lot of people were afraid of her cancer. He confessed that he’d had a girlfriend when he’d been at Duke who’d been unable to deal with the whole situation. He had broken up with her a few months after his mother was diagnosed the first time. She apparently would burst into tears whenever Zack talked about his mom, and she also started to get weird about going over to his apartment after his mother had visited one weekend for fear that the disease might be catching. From that point on, he knew they would never make it as a couple.
I told him I’d love to meet his mother and assured him I wasn’t afraid of catching anything. It was a ridiculous thought. So, since his mom had been having a good day, I went over to their house after dinner one night.
Molly was lounging on their porch swing, smoking a cigarette when I walked up. I knew from Chase that they were meeting up later to go to a party. He’d apparently forgiven her for her lapse in judgment while high on X.
“Alright, Emily,” she asked, in that strange way that British people say hello.
“Hey Molly. How are you?” I asked, as I knocked on the front door.
She shrugged. “Can’t complain. You here for board game night? We just finished dinner, so they’re setting everything up.”
Even though Molly and her family were staying in a different house, I knew they all congregated most nights at Zack’s house if his mother was feeling well.
“Um,” I said, looking over at her, “I guess so. Zack just wanted me to meet his mom.”
“Yeah, today’s a good day,” Molly said, with a look that said she’d seen her share of bad days. “You’ll like Aunt Lynne. She’s my favorite aunt.”
I smiled. I was just happy that Zack wanted me to meet her. It must mean I was becoming more than a summer fling to him, as well. Of course I didn’t want to think what that might mean in a few weeks when I had to go back to school.
“Hey,” Zack said, flinging the door open and smiling widely at me. He pulled me into a hug, squeezing me against his chest. “I’m really glad you’re here.” He seemed positively giddy. It must have been a really good day.
“You’re happy,” I said, starting to feel giddy myself, almost as if his good mood was contagious.
He shrugged but continued to smile. “Yeah, well, you know.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I do.” I wasn’t sure if we were talking about the same thing, but I was glad to see him so unaffected, especially because it seemed genuine. It was a nice change after a few rough days.
Zack took my hand and led me to the living room where Leo and Reagan were watching TV with Jared and two men who Zack introduced as his uncles, Mark and Tom, who were just visiting for the week. I knew his aunts had taken leaves of absence from their jobs and left their husbands at home to be there for their sister for the summer. A few weeks earlier, I’d met Molly’s sister Cat and her husband Simon who’d just been in town for two weeks. It seemed everyone in the family was going to make an appearance at the beach at some point that summer, and I knew it was to say goodbye, which was a completely morbid, if not accurate thought.
We didn’t linger in the living room long before Zack pulled me toward the loud laughter I could hear on the back porch. Outside I could see three women sitting around a table drinking wine, laughing and talking. I was instantly able to pick out Zack’s mom out of the three women, as she was the one wearing a bright pink head wrap and was thinner than I’d expected, almost fragile looking, but she also had the widest smile on her face. She seemed truly happy which was strange to think about. If I knew I only had a short time to live, I was pretty sure I’d be full-on depressed, but she wasn’t. I noticed that she and Zack had the same eyes and the same smile.
The women stopped talking when we stepped through the screen door and let it bang behind us.
“Ah, the famous Emily,” Ms. Easton said from her seat.
“Oh, she’s so pretty,” the woman to her left said. I could hear a slight British accent, so I instantly knew she was Molly’s mom.
“They’re so cute together,” said the other woman, Leo and Reagan’s mother. “Zacky, you didn’t tell us Emily was so pretty!”
Zacky?! I had to fight back the giggles at that one as I could tell Zack was embarrassed by his nickname. I looked over at him and squeezed his hand, not sure what to say in response. These were three women who weren’t afraid to speak their minds, and I wondered what other embarrassing things I might learn about him that night.
“Hi, I’m Emily Cole. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Easton,” I said, in my most formal, confident tone that I usually reserved for interviews or interactions with professors, as I stuck my hand out to Zack’s mother.
She took it but laughed at me. “Oh, honey, we’re not formal around here,” she said, and I could hear her deep southern accent. “It’s wonderful to meet you, though. I’ll tell you, I haven’t seen Zack this happy in years. Of course, you’re the first girl he’s brought home since that Jennifer girl, and that was what, two years ago?”
“Oh, it was longer than that,” Leo’s mother said. “Zacky hasn’t let us meet one of his girlfriends in years. This one must be special.”
I looked back a Zack who was shooting a look at his mother and aunt that he instantly tried to hide when he saw me turn around. He switched to a smile, but I’d already caught him.
“Ah, she caught you, honey,” his mother said to him. “Now stop loitering by the door and sit down.” She extended her arm and waved him forward.
I watched as he tentatively moved forward, taking the seat next to mine. I reached for his hand under the table when he sat down, trying to let him know that it was okay if he was happy to with me. I felt the same way.
“Emily, please call me Lynne,” Ms. Easton said. “This is Jane.” She gestured to Leo’s mother, “and this is Maggie.”
I smiled at them both.
“Would you like a glass of wine, Emily,”
Jane asked me, reaching behind her for a glass.
I nodded. “Please.”
She handed me a full glass of white wine. “Zack, I assume you want one too. No driving that bike of yours tonight, right?”
He shook his head as his aunt poured him an equally full glass. “No ma’am.”
She nodded in approval as she handed him the glass which he took and gulped down half of in a few seconds. He honestly looked a little green which was completely out of character for him. I was used to the tough, confident front he projected whenever we were around other people. To see the sensitive guy I knew come out was unexpected. Fortunately, after a few glasses of wine, Zack settled down and started to enjoy himself.
“Mom, we’re heading out,” Reagan said, sticking her head out the screen door. Jared was behind her.
“Okay, have fun,” Jane said. “No driving if you’ve been drinking, okay?”
“We won’t,” Reagan said and started to close the door.
“Condoms,” Maggie said loudly, and my head shot up. “Jared, you particularly – I’m not ready to be a grandmother. Got it?”
I blanched slightly as I watched Jared nod before his glance darted to me and his face flushed red. He was seeing my sister, albeit casually, but were they sleeping together?
Zack put his arm around me and whispered, “They say that to all of us whenever we leave the house. Don’t overthink it.”
He kept his arm around me as the three women peppered me with questions while we drank wine. Eventually their husbands joined us for game night, and we got into several rousing games of Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit. The only time I saw Zack tense up again was when his mom said she was exhausted and going to bed. It was like his ears perked up at the word, and he immediately started to stand.
Lynne immediately put her hand on his shoulder, keeping him in his seat. She rested her hand on his cheek, looked down at him, and said, “I’m fine, baby. I’m just tired.” Then she looked over at me. “I love my son, but sometimes he just needs to let loose and not worry so much about things he can’t control.”
She gave him a pointed look that made Zack nod, giving in to her request to not worry, although we both knew he’d do the exact opposite. Then she leaned down and kissed his cheek as she said goodnight, but I also saw her whisper something to him that I couldn’t hear. Whatever it was made him smile and look over at me, and I made a mental note to ask him about it later.
“Emily,” she said, leaning down to hug me. I could feel the bones of her shoulder blades under my hands. “It was so nice meeting you. Please come back soon.”
“I will,” I said, smiling at her, thinking what an amazing, strong woman she was.
“And please take Zack somewhere tonight and force him to have some fun.”
I laughed. “I will,” I said, smiling widely at her.
Zack and I said our goodnights soon after before exiting out the back so he could walk me home on the beach.
“They liked you,” he said, as we walked, swinging our joined hands.
“I like them,” I said, looking up at him. “Your mom is incredible.”
“She is, isn’t she,” he said, getting that far away look in his eyes that he always did when he thought about her, but I could see his pride swelling just a little.
“What did she whisper to you right before she went to bed?” I asked, dying to know.
Zack stopped walking and turned to face me. “Are you sure you want to know?”
“Um, yeah.” Now, I definitely wanted to know.
“It might freak you out.”
“I think I’ll be okay.”
“Okay,” he said, taking a deep breath. “She just said that she couldn’t be happier that I met you, and you seem like someone who will make me happy for a long time.” He paused, and I could see he was bracing himself for my response.
“Oh yeah?” I teased.
“I know, it’s silly. She’s just sentimental right now, because, well, you know. I just really liked seeing how much she was smiling.”
I shrugged. “I think it’s sweet, and don’t worry, I’m not that freaked out – Zacky.”
“Oh, you did not just call me that,” he said, laughing as he put me in a headlock.
When he finally released me, he put his arm around me and pulled me against his side.
“Listen,” I said, my arms hugging him around his waist, “you don’t have to tell her that we’re just having fun this summer. I’m okay with pretending if it makes her happy.”
He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. “No, I’m not going to lie to her. I wouldn’t do that. Just keep being you when you’re around her, and that’ll be enough.”
I fell a little farther that night, and just when I was about to obsess about what that might mean in a few weeks, I dismissed the thought, not wanting dwell on the future.
***
A week later, after a few particularly bad days with his mom, when she’d been battling another cold, Zack and I sat under the stars at his spot. He leaned against the rocks by the mouth of the cave, and I sat in front of him, leaning back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist and put his head next to mine.
“Thank you for being here,” he said softly.
“You’re welcome,” I murmured.
“No, really,” he said. “Not just tonight, but this summer. I needed this more than I knew. You don’t know how much it means to me to be here with you. It’s taken my mind off of so much that I don’t want to think about.”
I smiled to myself, thinking how nice it was to hear him say that. I felt calm for the first time in months, and I owed it all to him, but it was nice to know that I was helping him as much as he was helping me.
“I like you, Emily – a lot,” he whispered, as if he was almost afraid to admit it aloud. “Probably a lot more than I should.”
“I like you too, Zack,” I said, leaning my head against his shoulder, so I could look up at him. “You’ve sort of had me … enamored, I guess is the right word … since we met.”
He laughed. “You were enamored with me?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I was. It’s sad, but I was completely enamored with you. I blame your eyes, and your stupid guitar playing. I’m a sucker for a guy with a guitar.”
“Don’t forget my kissable lips,” he said, as he kissed my neck, trailing his lips down to my collarbone.
I sighed, a long, deep, satisfied sigh.
“You know Daphne was right,” he said then.
“About what?” I asked, not paying as much attention as I should. His lips were kissing a path along the back of my neck, and it was pulling at my concentration.
“I never really answered you, but the truth is, I don’t date. I actually haven’t dated in a while.”
“Why not? Do the girls not like you?” I knew making a joke might have been inappropriate, but I wanted keep things light. “Were you a late bloomer?”
He laughed. “Um, no. The girls were interested. I wasn’t. Usually I just ignore them when they flirt with me at the bar. Daphne knows that, so she’s good about helping me fend the persistent ones off.”
“Except me.”
“Except you. Of course, I wouldn’t have wanted Daphne to fend you off anyway – especially after you told me about my kissable lips.”
“You have very kissable lips, and I have enjoyed kissing them every day since that first time.”
“Well don’t let me stop you,” he said, as I turned my head and kissed him, relishing in the absolute perfectness of what a kiss with Zack could be like.
“So Daphne seemed personally slighted when she found out we were seeing each other,” I said when we finally pulled back after a few heated moments.
Zack sighed. “Yeah, sorry about that. I sort of had a thing with her two summers ago, and I think she thought that might continue when I moved back here, but I wasn’t interested.”
I could ask why, but I thought I already knew the answer.
“Sh
e wanted to get serious with you?”
He nodded. “Yeah, and I just wasn’t into it. I actually hadn’t had a girlfriend since I broke up with my ex, Jennifer, a few years ago, and the idea of being in a relationship was a little foreign. Especially with everything that happened between us. I just wasn’t ready for something serious.”
I realized that he wasn’t going to share what had happened with his ex, so I tried to steer the conversation in a different direction.
“Tell me you didn’t swear off girls when you guys broke up,” I said, trying to lighten the mood again as I looked back at him. “You weren’t like celibate for years, were you?”
“Um, no,” he said, looking down at the sand, confirming what I’d suspected. “I definitely …. wasn’t … celibate. I just didn’t … um, date girls.”
“Got it,” I said slowly, connecting the dots, all light-hearted feelings gone. My number was two, and his was decidedly much higher. I didn’t know if I should be concerned about that.
“Does that freak you out?” he asked.
I shook my head just a little as the doubts crept into my head.
“I would understand,” he said, “if it freaked you out, I mean. I’d get it.”
Then he hugged me tighter against him as if he was afraid I might run away, and my concerns melted away.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, and I felt him let out a breath. He loosened his grip just a little.
“I keep thinking you’re going to bolt each time I tell you something more about my past, and you never have. I don’t understand. Why would you want to be with me after everything you know?”
I turned around to look at him. “Zack, you said it yourself, you’re not that guy anymore, and I think the person you are now is pretty amazing. Sure, without knowing the gritty details, I understand you have a pretty screwed up past, but you asking me why I want to be with you is like me questioning why you’d want to be with me – and you already told me I was crazy for thinking that. Don’t overthink it, okay?”
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