by Amity Cross
I sat on the end couch, next to Sasha using her as a kind of buffer. She was the nicest of the lot, despite her raging bitch manager mode. She knew when to be sweet and it was the thing I liked best about her.
“Okay?" she asked and I nodded.
The guys didn’t say anything and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.
“I’m…I just…” I rubbed my eyes and tried again. “I’m sorry for being such an ass the last few weeks.”
“We know you are, mate,” Joe said.
“I’ve been dealing with shit all my life and I’ve never told anybody about it. I never needed anyone.” I took a deep breath. It screwed with my tough guy persona being all deep and meaningful. Fuckin’ tear jerker shit. “When I was sixteen my Mum abandoned me. I came home from school one day and she was just gone. Took all our shit, didn’t leave a note. I just had my school bag with a fuckin’ useless math book in it.”
“Shit, Rob,” West exclaimed and I held a hand up to stop him.
“I don’t want your fuckin’ pity and if you don’t stop lookin’ at me like that I’ll wipe your face clean, got it?”
“What happened to your Mum?” Sasha asked, squeezing my leg. “Have you tried to find her since?"
“She was a single Mum, drunk, dependent on a string of deadbeat boyfriends who used her and me as a punching bag. I don’t want to fuckin’ find her.” I ran both my hands over my face, wishing Lilly was here. “I was screwed up for a long time. Lived on the streets, got messed up with some pretty bad people. Did a lot of stupid shit. Wasn’t until I got into trouble with the cops that I cleaned up my act.”
“You didn’t have any family?” Sasha asked. “No one to take you in?”
I shook my head. “I’ve got nobody. I had nobody until this fuckin’ band."
“And we all got our dicks caught,” Mick said, shaking his head.
I stared at my hands. “I felt-“ I couldn’t say the word abandoned. ”I chucked a tantrum when I should’ve just said somethin’."
“Fuck, mate,” Joe exclaimed. “You didn’t have to keep that shit to yourself. We’re your family, right?”
“So are the girls,” West added. “I know Blair feels the same way.”
“What about Lilly?” Sasha asked.
“We’re good,” I replied.
“You’ve been spending every night with her for weeks,” Joe said. “The most time I’ve seen you spend with a woman is a few hours."
I snorted.
“Fuck me,” West said, getting it.
“So, you’re together now?” Sasha asked.
I shrugged. “We haven’t really talked about it, but I guess."
“Didn’t think you’d ever go there,” Mick said.
“I get it,” I said, scowling. “You don’t have to be raging cunts about it."
Sasha knocked her knee against mine and switched her tablet on. “Right, since you assholes are all finally in the one place at the same time, I’ve got updates.”
Mick groaned, sinking back into the couch and I was fucking glad she’d changed the subject. Being the drummer I was used to sitting up the back, being the last in line for the spotlight. I didn’t like having it shone on me for too long and thank fuck Sasha understood. I said what I needed to say and we weren’t the kind of guys who just said apology accepted. That shit happened organically.
“Stop being a fuckin’ baby.” Joe slapped Mick with a magazine.
“Okay children,” Sasha declared. “Mastering on this stinking album is beginning next week. There’s gunna be a photo shoot for the artwork the week after.”
“We don’t have to get prettied up with makeup do we?” West complained. “I hate that fuckin’ shit."
“I thought you liked being made up like a fairy,” Joe said with a chuckle.
“You’ll do as you’re told,” Sasha said, trying to hide her smile. “We’ve got a couple of warm up gigs booked before a full US tour when the album is launched. Australia and New Zealand after that, but it’s still being arranged. Then Europe and the UK and some festival dates.”
“So, the usual?” I asked.
Sasha nodded, giving me a smile. “It’s going to be full on again, so I hope you fucks are ready. The press junket is going to be mad after all the shit that’s happened since London."
“Yee haw,” Joe declared.
Sasha switched off her tablet. “Okay, we’re going to listen to the rough mix of the album and if anyone wants to change anything, say so now or forever hold your peace."
“Aye, aye, Captain,” Mick said, before tugging her into his lap.
“I really want to know who’s wearing the pants in your relationship,” Joe said.
“Me,” Sasha declared and yelped as Mick pinched her on the ass.
Yesterday, it would’ve been the thing to piss me off even more, but now? I felt the need to be a pissy asshole sliding.
I knew I said I didn’t want to fall in love, that I didn’t need it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t have a choice. It pissed me off more than it should. Relying on a woman wasn’t my style. The last woman I relied on was my Mum and look how that turned out.
My thoughts went to the band, the tour and the press commitments and I didn’t know what to do. I was so into Lilly, the thing we had together, the fucking, the talking, and I realized I hardly knew anything about her. I knew how she liked to be fucked, where she liked to be touched, sucked, bitten…but I didn’t know any of the things that mattered.
How could I fall for a woman I didn’t even know?
Lilly
Once upon a time, I thought I’d been in love.
He cared for me, brought me gifts, made sure I was comfortable and told me that I mattered. Then one day he just wasn’t those things anymore. The changes were small at first. A few clipped words, a forgotten date - then he started coming home later and later. I knew he was into a few shady dealings, but he was trying to work his way out of trouble so we could have a clean start together. He promised.
Turned out he was just building his empire and I was just another of his things to manipulate. He kept me sweet, kept me happy until he knew I couldn’t leave. He told me he loved me, then five minutes later I’d be on the floor, knocked over by a fist to the side of the head.
A year later, after stealing a dollar here and there, squirrelling every last penny I could manage without him noticing, I made my break. Three months after that, I stood in a convenience store in downtown LA, staring at the front cover of a gossip magazine realizing all the pain and fear I went through to gain my freedom might’ve been for nothing.
The headline read, Is Affliction off the market? See the pictures of Rob Hancock and his mystery woman.
There was a small grainy photo on the front and the guy was most definitely Rob and when I saw the purple hair, I felt my heart stop. Flipping the magazine open, there was a larger photo on the inside cover. And another and another and another. All of them were taken on a different day, printed chronologically like a fucking diary of all the times we’d hung out at the hotel. Us getting out of a cab. His hand in mine. His arms around me. The story of our friendship. The story of us falling into the stupidest mistake of my life.
My face was splashed across two double spreads. Two. Double. Spreads.
Flipping it over I found the date in the front under the title. It'd come out a few days ago. A few days and I hadn’t noticed? It was probably online by now. Shared and liked and picked up by other gossip rags. Gone fucking viral.
It was so easy to forget who he was. All that time we’d spent together alone in his hotel room, I could only see him as Rob, the Aussie rocker who’d stolen my heart, but in the outside world? Everyone knew who he was. He was photographed, granted not as much as Jake West seemed to be, but he was still followed by paparazzi. He had a high profile and for someone like me? I was fucked. I was so fucked it wasn’t funny.
Maybe he wouldn’t see. Maybe he wouldn’t recognize me
with the tattoo and purple hair. Maybe I was okay. A big fat tear fell from my eye and rolled down my cheek. No, I wasn’t okay. It was only a matter of time before I was found, taught a lesson I’d never forget and either die in the process or be dragged back to New York to live out my bleak life in pieces. And what would happen to Rob? What would they do to him?
My chest started to constrict and I couldn’t breathe properly. My face. In a high profile gossip magazine.
“Lady? Hey, lady? Are you okay?”
I glanced up at the attendant behind the counter and nodded, handing over a five dollar bill for the magazine.
Tucking it under my arm, I put my head down and stood at the bus stop down the street like the whole world would know me for the liar I was - like he was already watching, waiting for his chance to snatch me and get it over with. I wondered how he’d do it? Beat me to death, strangle the life out of me…or just shoot me in the head and dump my body in the desert.
I didn't know why I wasn’t going back to the apartment right now, packing a bag and getting on the next Greyhound bus out of LA.
I wanted to see him before he found out I was gone. I couldn’t feel bad about it. I didn’t deserve to.
It was my own stupid fault.
Once, I read a story in the newspaper about the five stages of grief. Denial was number one. I’d gotten that out the way when I let Rob fuck me. I’d wanted it as much as he had so I couldn’t really blame him for that one. The next stage was anger, which was where my story picked up.
I was currently in raging psychopath mode. The whole ride over to the studio, I could feel hysteria bubbling to the surface. If Rob hadn’t of saved me that night, maybe I might’ve gotten stabbed, but maybe the guy would’ve just hit me and ran off. If I hadn’t of met Rob, then I would still be free.
It wasn’t his fault, none of it was, but I was pissed at him all the same. Rob was just guilty for caring for a lost cause. He was totally oblivious.
When I opened the big, black door that led into the reception of Village Studios, the same woman from the other week was sitting behind the desk.
“Hi,” I said, before she could welcome me. “I’m here for Rob Hancock. Affliction. Lilly Hunter."
She glanced at me, then at the magazine in my hand like she’d already read it. “Sure, go right through. He’s got you on their list."
Somehow I managed to find their studio and stared at the door. Another fucking omen. I couldn’t back down, not now, so I barged in, wild as all the fucking demons in hell put together.
Everyone glanced up at my sudden appearance, but I only had eyes for Rob. Flaming eyes filled with anger.
I hit him in the head with the rolled up magazine like I was wielding a fucking baseball bat. It slapped against his cheek with a sharp crack and he could only stare at me, totally stunned.
“Shit,” I heard someone say behind me, but I was too angry to give a fuck.
“What the fuck is this?” I hissed, dropping the magazine into his lap.
He stared at the picture on the inside page and didn’t say anything. Nobody said anything and I was beginning to shake. I was dead. I was so fucking dead. They all thought I was a raging bitch but they didn’t understand. If he saw it and recognized me, I was dead.
The woman I knew was called Sasha, stood and held out her hand. “Lilly, you want to come and-"
"It's none of your fucking business," I shrieked.
“Lilly,” Rob said rising to his feet. He went to take my arm, but I jerked backward.
“I don’t want this. I can’t have my picture in this...”
“You knew who I was,” he murmured like he was trying to calm a wild animal.
I felt my hands start to shake and I couldn’t stop the tears that slid down my cheeks. I was having some kind of fucked up break down. If that was right, then I was doing a spectacular job of it. This had to end.
“I don’t have any control over this shit, Lilly. None of us do.”
He went to reach out for me, but I flinched backward. When you’re faced with total destruction, what else can you do? Rage on to infinity.
When I still didn’t say anything, he went on. “I don’t fuckin' like it, but it’s done."
“You know what,” I bit out at him. “Get fucked."
Then I put my head down and stormed out of the studio and into the hall. I had to get out of here. I had to get my stuff and leave. I had to…
I was halfway to freedom when I heard a woman calling out behind me. “Lilly?”
I literally felt like breaking out into a sprint I was that terrified.
“Lilly, wait. Shit, c’mon."
A hand clamped down on my shoulder and I glanced up to find Blair was the one that chased after me and a sick, sad part of me was actually disappointed that it wasn’t Rob. He was nowhere to be seen and why would he show his face after that spectacle? Why couldn’t they just let me go so I could disappear?
“Let me go,” I snapped.
“I want a little chat with you,” she declared, not paying the slightest attention to my attitude.
“Well, I don’t.” I turned to continue my flight out of the studio, but she grabbed my hand and pulled me in the other direction. “I’m not going back.”
“Chillax,” she said with a laugh. “I’m taking you out back.”
“What? So you can stuff my body into a dumpster?” At least she’d make it quick. He'd draw it out, make a game out of it.
Blair just laughed and pushed open a door, letting sunlight stream into the dark hallway. “Out you go."
It was one step closer to freedom, so I stepped through into the warm day, eyeing the mouth of the alley and the street beyond. The door closed with a boom that reverberated off the brick wall.
Blair perched on the step and patted the space beside her. “I’ve got a story to tell you,” she said, slipping on her sunglasses.
Sensing she’d only chase me down if I ran, I sat beside her, my posture stiff. I’d have to go home and start packing. Where would I go? San Francisco sounded nice, I always wanted to go there. Maybe I could even go as far as Seattle. Wherever I went, I’d have to color my hair asap. Black. Yeah, black sounded good. Maybe I could cut it off. Get a wig.
"I was the same,” Blair said. "They printed a picture of me and West in one of those rags and I flipped the fuck out. I was at work and my boss thought I was free and easy and tried to force himself on me right there on the shop floor."
My shoulders hunched as I curled into myself. "Sorry."
She shrugged. "He got what was coming to him."
"I don't know what it has to do with me," I said, not understanding why she thought she had to tell me her life story. "It's not like that. I have pretty good reasons for wanting to be anonymous."
"I'm sure you do."
"I'm sure you don't." She was preaching at me, wasn't she? Fucking sounded like it. I didn't know her from shit and she was telling me how to live my life?
"I know what it's like to be just scraping by," Blair went on, not giving a crap about my attitude. "Merely existing and going through the motions. I never wanted to trust another human being because I never wanted to get hurt again."
"What happened to you? You've got everything," I spat. "You know shit."
"I know that I grew up with a violent alco for a Dad who blew my Mum's head off with a shotgun. Then he turned it on himself like a fucking coward. That's pretty vivid in the memory banks."
I looked her up and down and started to feel bad.
"I get that you're hurt and want to lash out and fuck, I did all the same things over and over until someone finally stuck around. West could've just dumped my ass and I'd probably be on Skid Row right now. Fuck, I could've just left him and ended up the same way."
"What are you trying to say?"
"At some point, you've gotta let go and trust someone, Lilly. That's the only thing that's holding you back."
Trust her? Trust Rob? If they knew what I was hiding from then
they'd all drop me like a ton of bricks. They were all associated with a famous band, the press coverage would be out of this world. My life was already ruined, I couldn't let theirs, Rob's, suffer just because they wanted to be kind to the poor girl who almost got stabbed outside their fucking studio.
"He's not one of the good ones," Blair said and I flinched at her words. "He's the good one. Best of the fucking bunch."
"I need to-" I need to leave.
"If you're going to trust anyone, trust Rob. He obviously cares about you a great deal and that man never cared about much other than that fucking band or himself until now. You’ve turned him on his head. He’s opened up to all of us and he’s different. It’s like he’s finally who he’s meant to be and he wants you." She looked me up and down, her no bullshit attitude wearing me down. "Why would you give that up?"
For the greater good.
I stood abruptly. “I’ve gotta go."
This time Blair didn’t try and stop me as I fled.
Rob
“What the actual fuck?” West exclaimed, giving voice to everything that was exploding in me at that exact second.
I went to step forward, every nerve ending in me wanting to chase Lilly and make everything okay, but Blair put her hand on my chest.
“Let me,” she said, holding my gaze with hers. “I’ve got experience with this shit.”
I was so dumbfounded, I let her go, flinching when the door slammed closed behind her. Lilly knew who I was from the beginning, so why was it a problem now?
Sasha was frowning like she was trying to solve a puzzle with her non-existent telekinesis.
“Don’t fuckin’ say it, Montgomery," I said, my voice thin to the point of breaking.
“Say what?”
“Don’t make me say it.” Damage control.
“Is she in some kind of trouble?” Joe asked.
I shrugged. “No fuckin’ idea. She’s been cagey, but I thought it was fallout from the attack…"
“Wait until Blair gets back,” West said, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Remember how she flipped her stack when the same thing happened with us?”