Wade’s free hand clenched into a tight fist, while his hand on the steering wheel tightened until his knuckles were white.
“You’re saying they just took them out instead of fighting with antibiotics?” he clarified.
I thought about that for a second. “They tried antibiotics. But, unlike with you, they didn’t keep on top of them. I just kept getting sicker and sicker until the infection had spread to my fallopian tubes. Taking my ovaries was precautionary, however.”
He blew out a breath. “If I’d known…”
I shrugged. “If you’d known, you wouldn’t have done anything differently because you’re not the type of person that would leave a person like Lina hurting if you didn’t have to.”
I was, though.
I would have…had Wade not made me see things I didn’t wish to see.
Kind of like the day he’d found out about Lina, and how he’d encouraged me to donate to her because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she died.
He was right.
As much as I hated donating to her, I’d still do it if she absolutely needed it. Regardless of my feelings toward her, she was still my sister.
Even if my sister hated me.
“Can you open my sunflower seeds?” he asked, gesturing to the unopened bag that was still in the large sack that held the rest of our food.
I picked the sack up and reached inside, smiling widely when I saw the Snickers bar.
“This yours?” I asked.
He rolled his eyes. “No. Yours. You know I don’t like caramel.”
I did know that.
I also knew that he hated the smell most, and it got to the point where I couldn’t even eat the Snickers in front of him because he could smell the caramel.
I was fairly sure he was full of shit, but that argument was so old that I’d gotten to the point where I just did what he asked because it was easier than listening to him moan and whine for an hour.
But, since I loved Snickers so much, I still ate them. I was just hyperaware of where I ate them and brushed my teeth immediately afterward.
“You’re going to let me eat it in front of you?” I asked, spotting the second one underneath his seeds—which I opened for him and handed over.
He took the bag and reached inside, pulling out a small handful which immediately went into his mouth.
He sucked them all to one side and then reached for the cup that was in the center console. An Icee one that he’d stolen from the gas station.
I’d always been curious about how he held so much in his mouth while also opening the seeds with his teeth and tongue. Then there was the fact that he could also talk and hold conversations while he had his mouth full.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” he questioned.
I smiled. “You know I’m watching you and trying to figure out how you’re opening those while you have a mouthful of seeds, and you’re still talking to me.”
He spat an empty shell out into the cup and looked at me. “I’m just talented. What can I say?”
I rolled my eyes.
Though, Wade did have a point.
He was very talented with his mouth. I knew that firsthand.
On our first date, he’d tied a cherry stem with only his tongue, and had given it to me by way of his mouth kissing mine.
My eyes had widened when he’d transferred that knotted stem into my mouth by way of his tongue sneaking in.
I had melted right then and there, and the memory still made me hot as hell.
“What was that look for?” he asked.
I bit my lip and looked away. “Well,” I hesitated. Did I really want to tell him what that memory was for? Then I decided, why the hell not? “I was thinking about our first date and the cherry stem you tied into a knot with your tongue.”
His lips quirked up at one side. “I remember that. Vividly.”
I flushed hotly and turned my head down to my lap. Then I busied myself with searching through the mountain of snacks we’d gotten at the convenience store.
“How did you know that couple and their kids?” I wondered, choosing a bag of corn nuts and ripping into them.
“Ridley is a biker. Bikers know the bikers in their area, though Uncertain is a little far from Bear Bottom. We do run into each other a time or two during the year. We mainly know each other from the Toy Runs we run each year right before Christmas. About six or seven clubs from the surrounding three states meet up and make a run. All the donations we collect and toys go to children in need,” he explained.
I nodded my head in understanding. “Gotcha. I liked that run.”
I went on that run once and only once, but it was my first big run that I’d ever gone on with Wade on the bike in front of me.
“The one this year is going to be good,” he said. “We’re going to have ten clubs participating, and we’re sponsoring the Children’s Hospital in Dallas. All those kids that are there for various reasons will have their entire Christmas covered.”
That made my heart swell.
“You did that because of Rome’s son, didn’t you?” I asked softly.
Wade shrugged. “It was a suggestion, yes. But Rome was the one to really start planning it out. Him and his new old lady, Izzy.”
Rome, one of Wade’s MC brothers, had a son who had died of Leukemia. I’d met Izzy once, but since I was no longer a part of the MC life since I’d divorced Wade, I hadn’t seen any reason to become friendly with her. The moment she’d realized who I was, she’d been standoffish. Everybody always was once they learned who I was, and who I was no longer married to.
Speaking of which. “Bayou actually talked to me yesterday like I was a normal human being. Do you happen to know why?”
Wade snorted. “You are a normal human being, Landry.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Did you say something to him?”
Wade shook his head. “No.”
I tilted my head slightly to the side and stuffed some corn nuts into my open mouth to keep myself from calling him a liar.
“Why do you eat those?” he suddenly burst out. “They’re so gross.”
They weren’t gross.
“Why are you such a weenie when it comes to smells?” I asked. “You bought this Snickers knowing you weren’t going to like the smell of me eating it in this closed cab. Which, by the way, you hate me doing anyway. Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?”
Wade shrugged. “A lot of things have changed. Things that used to bug me no longer do.”
“Why?” I pushed.
He turned his blinker on and went around a car, causing my heart to accelerate because he’d cut off a big black truck to do it, and then said, “Do you want the truth?”
I nodded. “I always want the truth from you.”
He moved back over to the slow lane, and the big black truck flipped him off as he flew past.
Wade flipped him right back off himself, and then bit the corner of his mouth as he began thinking.
Likely wondering whether he should really tell me the truth or not.
“Because,” he paused. “When you left, I realized those petty little stupid things we fought over were just that—stupid. In the grand scheme of things, I’d rather deal with all those things that used to bother the hell out of me if it only meant you were back at my side still doing them.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
“I hate what happened between us.”
I felt my heart skip a beat at his exclamation.
“I hate that it happened, and I hate that you had to go through your childhood like you did. We were so good together. You took you away from me, and even after all this time apart, I still don’t know how to function without you.”
I swallowed hard, wondering what in the hell I was supposed to say to that.
“Wade…”
“I shouldn’t have forced you to do something you didn’t want t
o do,” he said. “I should have taken what you said to heart. I should’ve let you do what you wanted, and I should have supported you in every decision that you made, regardless of whether I agreed with it or not. Because that is part of what being married is about, compromise and understanding. I wasn’t either of those things and by not supporting you in your decision, I ruined our lives.”
How long had I wanted to hear that?
“Wade…”
“And then it all starts making a sick sort of sense when you said today that you couldn’t have kids,” he continued. “That morning, before your sister had come, I told you that I wanted a child and you’d shut down.”
I had.
As luck would have it, my sister had come over right after that argument had taken place and told me that she needed another bone marrow transplant. It’d been perfect timing, really.
“You didn’t just leave me because of what happened with your sister, did you?”
No, I hadn’t.
“You wouldn’t have stopped wanting them,” I said softly.
He growled. “Did you ever stop to consider that there were alternate ways of having a child that didn’t include you conceiving and carrying it?”
I looked away.
Yes, I’d considered that.
And I’d even thought to mention it…but then my sister had shown, and Wade had literally torn my heart out for a second time that day and I’d…reacted.
It hadn’t been a good reaction.
In fact, I wasn’t proud of what I’d done. I should’ve done things a hell of a lot differently than I had. Yet, I couldn’t make myself.
“I have depression issues,” I finally admitted. “And honestly, even if there was another way to have children, I’m not the right person to be raising them. Not with all the shit that goes on in my head.”
He growled in frustration. “You’ll just use anything as an excuse, won’t you?”
I frowned and snapped my gaze to his. “What? No!”
“We were married for almost a year and a half, and since we’ve been divorced, I’ve had time to think about our time together. You want to know something?” He didn’t wait for me to answer him with a yes or a no. “I think that you always had one foot out the door. You were always ready, just waiting for me to screw up. I think I scared you by asking you to marry me, and you were so fuckin’ happy that you said yes without thinking it through.”
I frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“You were always waiting for the other shoe to drop,” he explained. “You were waiting for me to find something to hate you for, so instead of waiting for me to find it, you found something that was big enough—a good enough reason—to leave me for.”
I opened my mouth to deny it, to tell him that he was so full of crap it was coming out of his ears, and promptly shut my mouth.
Because…he was right.
And I had absolutely nothing to say to it.
The next few minutes I sat completely stock still in my chair, my heart racing, as I tried to come up with something to say that would refute what he’d just said…but nothing ever came to my lips.
“I think you wait for me to treat you like your parents treat you,” he rumbled quietly. “And honey, I’m not your parents.”
I reached into the bag that was now between my feet, and took out the Snickers, opening it and shoving a large bite in my mouth before chewing it quickly. Then another. And another.
When I was done with the entire bar, I reached for the other Snickers.
That was gone in less than two miles, too.
“I love…” he started, and I screamed.
“Don’t!”
He continued speaking. “…you.”
I shook my head fast and hard. “No!”
“I love you,” he repeated again.
I shook my head against my headrest. “Please stop.”
“I have loved you from the moment I first saw you,” he continued.
I shook my head and closed my eyes. “Please stop. Please.”
“I love you. I love you. I love you,” he repeated.
I started to hyperventilate.
“Nothing you can do or say can change how I feel.” He pushed, “I’ve been yours from the moment you walked into my classroom and gave me your eyes.”
I swallowed hard.
“Wade, please,” I whispered. “You don’t know what you’re getting into.”
He snorted. “I know exactly what I’m getting into.”
I shook my head, frantically trying to come up with something that would stop this.
“No, you don’t,” I argued. “You don’t know anything.”
That’s when he laughed.
Wade? He had a great laugh. It’d always made me weak in the knees, and I hadn’t heard it for so long that I wasn’t prepared for it.
I wasn’t prepared for the way he threw his head back and let his amusement loose.
Because, maybe if I had been, I wouldn’t have been watching him at the time. I wouldn’t have been so caught up in the wonder that I couldn’t look away.
Hell, even the fact that he’d taken his eyes off the road didn’t affect me—even though it should have.
He started laughing so hard that tears came to his eyes.
And when he finally stopped, returning his eyes to the road, I still stared.
“I know you,” he said on a small laugh. “I know you better than I know anyone.”
I shook my head in denial.
Then I tried the last thing I ever wanted to try—but I needed him to stop. He had to move on with his life – without me.
Because I wasn’t capable of leaving Wade a second time.
And I had a feeling if I didn’t dissuade him soon, then he’d be back in my life, and I wouldn’t have anything to stop him with.
“I’m sleeping with Kourt,” I lied. “I’ve been sleeping with Kourt since before you even came in the picture.”
And, out of all the things I expected him to do, I didn’t expect him to take my hand and tell me what he told me next.
“You’re so full of shit it’s coming out of your ears. You’re not sleeping with anyone, and you haven’t since we split. You can keep Kourt in your life, honey,” he told me. “You can keep your best friend while I’m with you. But, just sayin’, you and I are going to happen. You don’t have to lie about sleeping with your best friend, because you don’t get a choice in the matter anymore. I’m going to make it work between us, and you’re going to let me do it because you don’t have a choice.”
“I’ve had suicidal thoughts.”
All amusement fled his face.
“I know,” he murmured, his voice soft. “And it hurts my heart that it got to that point for you and that it was a defining moment in your life. If you hadn’t done that, you might’ve never become such good friends with Kourt. In turn, you might’ve never moved here, and I might not have met you.”
I swallowed hard.
I’d just told him my most painful, personal secret, and he’d…accepted it.
“How do you know?” I whispered.
I was almost afraid to ask.
But, I had to know.
Was it my parents? My sister?
Though, I wouldn’t think that either of them would care enough to tell on me. They were selfish beings. They didn’t care about my life, as long as I was there to be used when they needed to use me.
“Kourt.”
All the breath was ripped out of my chest.
“Kourt?” I croaked, stunned.
Wade nodded, calmly going around a slower moving car. “Kourt.”
I opened my mouth, then closed it.
“W-when?” I stuttered.
“The day I was shot,” he answered simply. “I would’ve come after you then, but I was kind of, sort of, maybe too weak to do it. Plus, I had some anger to work through. I wanted to be able to com
e to you, to talk to you, without wanting to wring your damn neck.”
I looked down at my hands and clenched them, then leaned forward and started to sift through the bag of food.
There was nothing else to eat but a couple of protein bars that Wade had bought, and there was no way in hell I was touching those.
They were disgusting.
I’d tried them once when I was hungry, and had tasted the disgusting things in my mouth for a half a day afterward.
“You don’t have to be mad at your friend, baby,” he said to me. “He was only looking out for you.”
I knew that.
That didn’t make my heart feel better, though.
My best friend had shared my dirty little secrets, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I felt utterly betrayed.
“I’ll never marry you again,” I whispered.
He patted my hand. “As long as I have you, I don’t care if we’re married.” He paused. “But, just sayin’, I’m not going to settle for anything less than everything from you. One day, I’ll convince you.”
The fact that he sounded so sure of himself made me want to punch him.
But I didn’t say a word. Not for the next two hours. Not after my final parting comment.
“You know how badly you wanted to take my ass and I never let you?” I whispered furiously. “Well, this is also something that you’re not going to get.”
Chapter 8
It’s not about how many times you fall. It’s how many times you get back up.
-Wade listening to a DWI suspect
Wade
“Do you want me to stop?” I asked Landry.
She shook her head.
The last two hours had been filled with enough silence that it would’ve bothered another man.
It didn’t bother me.
When Landry was pissed, and she knew she was right, she’d talk until she was blue in the face.
But, over the last couple of hours, she’d had absolutely nothing to say to refute my earlier words. Words that I’d meant every single one of.
I didn’t care if we were divorced.
I didn’t care if she thought that our being together was a lost cause.
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