by Albert Cohen
He yawned, stood up, and leaned his forehead against the window. A horse on a knoll peered sadly at the grass, then on a doorstep a little girl held a baby on her knee, a wall flashed past roaring like an angry sea at the lurching train, haystacks retreated rapidly, a peasant with a pitchfork on his shoulder stood by a gate as still as a scarecrow, and the mangy wagons of a goods train trundled by.
He sat down again, yawned, and stared at his nails. Buff them up ten minutes before they got into Geneva. She must have got a sheaf of invitations to cocktail parties now that he was an A. The question was, knowing what she was like, had she gone to the parties? She hadn't said anything about parties in her letters. Nor was there any word of the Kanakises, who after all owed them a dinner. Perhaps they were waiting for him to get back. In any case, must return the USG's invitation, to keep the contact going, and do it soon, make the most of the fact that Mummy and Dada weren't in Geneva. The USG was bound to accept, seeing that he had invited them first. Kill two birds with one stone and ask the Petrescos, who drew a lot of water. They wouldn't have to be asked twice, because he'd mention that the USG was coming. No, on second thoughts, not the Petrescos, he didn't want competition, and in any case Petresco, he of the confident, man-of-the-world air, was quite capable of hogging the conversation over dinner.
Matter-of-factly, the ticket-collector walked past chanting the name of the next station in a non-human voice. Five forty-five. Five minutes from now, Delemont, and three hours from now, Geneva! After all, she was his wife, for goodness' sake, and dammit he'd been deprived for three months, even though he'd been tempted at Beirut, but tarts weren't his style, besides there was always the risk of catching something unspeakable, so no thank you very much, not his style at all.
'Got this terrible urge, old bean, and I'm telling you now that I shan't be saying no to a spot of conjugal duty tonight! Believe you me, the bedsprings will be going like the Hallelujah Chorus! The minute I'm back, old man, I'll start my approach, I won't bother over-much with the formalities even if she holds back, because she's always been like that. Mind you, it isn't that she doesn't want to deep down, but she never shows it, it's a question of modesty with her, of reserve, respectable woman and all that, you see, also a matter of aristocratic distance, because, old man, without wishing to offend you, your wife and mine are chalk and cheese. No, don't poke your head out of the window, because of smut-in-eye. They say Swiss trains will soon be powered by electricity, it'll be cleaner, won't get so dirty. Splendid. Excellent.'
Five forty-seven. Two minutes nearer her. At nine, Cologny. At nine fifteen, Ariane naked, just for him. Five forty-eight. Delemont in one minute. 'Go to it, get a move on,' he told the train.
CHAPTER 70
Six o'clock I've heaps of time Yours Yours O my love why can't you be here with me in this scrumptious hot bath it would be lovely just the two of us never mind if a bit cramped for both we'd make enough room somehow we'd think of a way the way that's as old as Adam yes I know I've said all this about getting into the bath with me before I keep repeating myself Eve was the first stupid woman to say nobody understands my Adam no one realizes how wonderful he is or put it another way all the things I say about you my darling I wonder if chickens sneeze or at least if they do sometimes they're perfectly entitled to catch cold aren't they thirty years from now I'll be no it's too horrible never mind I won't be old tonight there's heaps of time I feel oh so crazily tender when he's asleep so vulnerable his face shines with a grace that is beyond the beauty of man I feel crazy too when I catch a glimpse of his wrists so slender sometimes I feel suddenly sick with myself for loving him so much now what was I saying ah yes Yours Yours I wallow in Yours Yours yes but perhaps if he hadn't met me he'd be wiring Yours to Elizabeth Vanstead to be honest I wouldn't mind if all her teeth dropped out no steady on not a gummy mouth that's not a nice thing to wish on anybody so just let her lose a couple one of her front teeth would do just enough to make her a teeny-weeny bit repulsive I find myself too attractive I like looking at myself let's face it I fancy myself if it wasn't him there would be somebody else and if the somebody else was an explorer I'd be crazy about the Amazon or if he was a biologist about pickled flies in jars no that's not true there's no one but him he's the only one anyway believing that is an article of faith do Catholics really believe in all the things they believe in why is it that you say everyone must remember to take his hat off even when everyone includes women too it's not fair why is it that you can't say everyone must remember to take her hat off why is God always a man that's not fair either what a pathetic spectacle me just now scrubbing myself down nothing but a slave who lives to please her master woman's lot is unfair always waiting and hoping and titivating what have stupid men got that we haven't we're pathetic always having to be pretty and elegant and fragile and demure and waiting and accepting and he takes me too much for granted getting into Geneva at seven twenty-two and not showing up here until nine and all because Mr Too-Big-for-His-Boots wants to look his best maybe an hour in the bath and a very close shave that's your feminine side showing my lad and no less feminine are those peeps in the mirror you peep in the mirror a shade too often it's a weakness dear and so stagy with his dressing-gowns far too elegant and too long yes dear that's what we're like we slaves we say nothing we look doe-eyed but we don't miss a trick only we're very tolerant got the message have you dear what awful trouble Stalin goes to all the time he has to keep an eye on everything trust nobody have people spied on and killed and all for the stupid exhausting fun of being in charge when he sees me home in the car I always kiss his cuffs before saying good-night because they're so well tailored and finest silk worship of might which is the power to kill you see my dear I'm a good pupil I'd like him to whip me on the back very hard so it- raised stripy welts red to begin with then white like a brand to show I belong to him I want it to hurt to make me cry out with such pain that I beg him to stop but no he goes on yes beat me more my darling aim lower no further down further yes that's it hit me hard first the right cheek then the left it's because I was brought up properly that I say right cheek left cheek the special ones at the base of my spine beat them hard please beat them till the blood flows oh thank you thank you darling get into the bath I am your earth and you are my master and my ploughman plough me good that's enough of that it's not healthy to think about ploughing especially when you're in the bath no I don't think they can sneeze there's a spot on the top of my head that's still tender it's the fontanelle all babies have one I've still got mine another feminine thing about Bigboots is that he doesn't want me to meet him at the station because he's never properly shaved when he gets off the train Bigboots wants to be seen looking his best but you're always handsome too handsome when I'm not there he'll get to the Ritz at twenty to eight at the latest shall I ring him at twenty to eight no hearing his voice on the phone would be like having a preview of part of him it would be a damper on the lovely shock of seeing all of him walk through the door suddenly his voice his expression and all the rest if I ring it'll spoil the magic of his entrance it would be like eating before a meal just a small piece of cake paaarlez-moi d'amooour tell me again you love me it's silly but I like it feel like yawning go on then yawn aaah it's not the same when I touch them angels are a pain their music must be like Cesar Franck only worse they're eunuchs with wings and I feel sick when I think of the spot where their wings are attached to their shoulders if I was in heaven I could never bear to touch that spot I think it must be hard and soft like a part of the chicken that's difficult to carve Antoinette is vulgar when I was little Uncle Gri always used to stand up when Tantlérie came into the room and thereafter if he saw that she wanted to go out he'd open the door for her and she would respond with an acknowledgement you know a little smile or a murmured thank you when the Kanakises came to dinner whenever Antoinette was at a loss for something to say because Kanakis and Didi were going on and on about books she'd never heard of she'd lean over her plate and jab with her fork with an amused c
lever smile on her face a witty flippant smile like a countess lost in her own thoughts as much as to say if I'm not saying anything it's solely because my mind's full of ultra-sophisticated pensees do people lean their heads against windows to think better in real life or is it just characters in novels we've got the message Herr Kafka you're a genius but for heaven's sake put a sock in it thirty pages of your genius are quite enough for anyone to see just how boring a genius you are though nobody would dare say so out loud not under the present reign of terror I'll smooth his eyebrows I'll reach my hands under his jacket to hold him fast and feel him close to me hold him tight so he can't run away he gets these moods seems so distant at times he makes me tremble with love I am his fair and his beloved he said so in the telegram Herr Kafka we've got your drift which is about feeling guilty when you've done nothing wrong but you do go on it gets tedious basically guilty-but-innocent is in fact the big Jewish theme it's the tragedy of the Jew I am fair and beloved of my lord I must tell him in case he's in an accident to put a note in his wallet saying they can contact damn my name's Deume all the fuss they make about Lindbergh after all he's only the driver of a taxi with wings who can joggle a joystick basically I get very cross about anything that does not sing Sol's praises and trumpet the greatness of his talents that's how silly women in love are they're forever bleating my Adam my Tom my Dick my Harry and they all say nobody else understands him I'm the only one who does my Adam my Tom my Dick my Harry is a genius they're pathetic the whole stupid gang of women in love Proust is marvellous but what a ghastly little snob all that hysterical flattering of Anna de Noailles and being entranced by aristocratic names like Oriane and Bazin and Palamede he drools reverently over them the little name-licker I haven't written much to the awful lawful but when I did write I was very nice to him geniuses know that genius means persistence morons believe it's a gift we'll go and put flowers on his cat's grave together Sol dresses perfectly and his table manners are trés comme il faut that evening at the Ritz when I gave him my cigarette-case he pressed it against the scar on his eyelid surely that meant he forgave me for shying that glass at him men used to frighten me especially that certain something men have but not any more to redeem those two words I spoke I'll convert and become a good Jewish girl he's right how is it possible that intelligent people on our side can believe such stupid things it's the fear of dying that makes them so stupid oh it was such a fine and noble thing to want to be loved disguised as a horrible old man he said the dress I wore to the Brazilian reception when he fell in love with me at the first flutter of my eyelashes was very beautiful so I'll have another made just like it oh oh I'm freezing in this bath a drop more hot water please that'll do thanks when he gets here tonight try and hang on to reserve as long as poss keep your distance be pleasant but a shade stand-offish so he gets worried a touch of the ice-queen listen to what he says in such a way that he starts feeling uneasy answer along the lines of I don't know and maybe in a blasé sort of tone and then after a quarter of an hour of making him suffer suddenly come over all eager and loving another good ploy might be to leave the front door open so that he discovers me sitting down all regal and not getting up and holding out my hand for him to kiss he doesn't have such an effect on me when I'm sitting down or again I could be strolling in the garden and when I see him in the sitting-room looking lost because there's no one there I make my entrance all unconcerned no I couldn't I'd be far too excited I'd rush in like a dying duck and fall over my feet so the thing to do is to fling myself into his arms the moment he appears and eat him up with doe-eyed kisses the very first night after the Ritz quite unexpectedly there was a lot of wild kissing and tonguing on the sofa how awful doing that with someone I didn't know I was taken completely aback by those first kisses I always thought that kissing was just lips the thing should be made a great deal clearer in novels they say burning kisses and so on but I'd never have believed this other way was possible I used to think it was lips on lips and that was that but no you open your mouth three exclamation marks and then there's pandemonium and confusion of tongues as they say in the Old Testament my God if anybody had told me that some day I'd love to feel my I can't say the word mingling with the I can't say it of some man I'd never have believed it you must be mad I'd have said is it something that just he does or do other people do it too I wonder if Mummy and Daddy ever no surely not but Catholics probably do or maybe it's something he invented himself I was ashamed at first when his I can't say the word mingled with my I can't say it yes so ashamed but I persevered it was so amazingly intimate a thing to happen between a gentleman and a lady who hardly knew each other and were all of a sudden rummaging around in each other's mouths exploring gobbling yes I was terribly ashamed but pretty soon I stopped feeling ashamed and started to think it was nicer by the minute just think if Tantlérie had seen me I was every bit as good at it as he was and I'd never had any lessons either I got the hang of it straight off there were tons of kisses that first evening maybe five hundred all told and every one delicious tsk Ariane really I was in my element snorkelling away miles deep kissing like that is sublime but it also makes you want to laugh when you're alone and think about it afterwards because kisses like those can cause the most ridiculous kerfuffle yes I think you could call them have you anything-to-declare kisses because it's a bit like having some lunatic customs man poking around frantically in your suitcase quick quick turn everything upside down not a minute to lose I'm a funny sort of person even when I'm being perfectly serious inside I've simply got to have a giggle and say things such as kisses being like a crazy deranged rampaging customs man going round in a flap rummaging through your suitcase to see if you're trying to smuggle anything I think I'd curl up and die if he ever heard me babbling like this but when I'm with him I'm quite different I'm poetic and yet I'm just as much myself as I am at this very minute a drop more hot water please I wonder if a lot of snorkelling goes on generally do other people do it too if so it's too galling for instance a queen doing it with the king it's fine when we do it but not other people for it to be all right both parties must be very good-looking imagine Antoinette doing it for example I mean it would be horrendous is there a word for these eating kisses going-through-customs kisses cavern kisses snorkelling kisses fruity kisses that's it fruity kisses is just right because deep-down the world tastes so fresh when you're in love oops you sound like a silly factory-girl I was horribly embarrassed that first evening in the dark when he leaned over my neck well actually a bit lower it was awful but also awfully marvellous scatter a few improving books here and there on the sofa make it look casual leave one open to suggest me-reading-the-Essays-of-Montaigne-while-waiting-for-him sort of style no perhaps not Montaigne evokes crabby old schoolmarm best make it Kafka but if he asks questions he'll know I've only read a couple of pages I'd better get stuck into the complete works of Kafka at once buy a few Heideggers and something by other crashing old bores and also read a history of philosophy I've got an incentive now to improve my mind can't think why but I've suddenly got this urge to tell myself all about our first evening together yes go on tell us all about that first evening here goes in his drawing-room at the Ritz when he said goodbye I suddenly turned into something out of a Russian novel Nastasia Philipovna obsequiously salaaming and kissing his hand shut your eyes for a mental picture of what happened then he whispered glory be to God people say glory be to God when they're being very serious did he say it just for something to say or does he really believe in God when I kissed his hand I really meant it if there is no life hereafter all the true believers will never know whether it's true or not once they're dead they have all the luck no it wasn't him who said it was all a load of rubbish he's far too polite too sardonic I'm the one who says it's all rubbish anyway I withdraw the word rubbish I shouldn't have said salaaming O my love I'm not laughing at you please believe me it's just the way I go on you must believe that even if deep-down I'm very respectful I only say these things when I'm by myself because it's the way I'm made y
ou can take it or leave it or take it please you do see it's just a cover because basically I'm rather shy then afterwards we danced in the ballroom at the Ritz he said awesome in your beauty then he said his soul flew out and clung to my long curved lashes sort of like a fish on a hook oh thinking back it wasn't very nice of me to have given him that cigarette-case which was a present from my awful lawful who is not my anything really but I'd forgotten that it was a present from the awful lawful but anyway since he gave it me as a present it was mine and I was perfectly entitled to do whatever I liked with it Didi poor pet what's happening to him is quite dreadful after the Ritz we came on here in his car yellow chauffeur white uniform huge blue Rolls who cares odd he can't drive obviously being ferried everywhere in a palanquin all the time is more his style his love perpetually released so that he might contemplate it and then folded away once more and shut up and kept in his heart I love that folded away Varvara would never have said that oh he's a brute but nice underneath while the rest are nice but brutes deep down fancy being in love with Varvara what a peculiar idea basically she was ordinary and sentimental and affected it's dreadful she's dead I should respect her memory she would never have gone on about baboons and spiders with her it was girly-talk and pretty-pretty stuff all the time in a little while I'll simply have to take a peep at my ravishing long curved lashes remember never buy accessories such as belts gloves handbags without first checking to see that everything matches read the Old Testament again though it's an awful bore a pink animal in ribbons a gardener's wife with her child a young lady with white cats hot water please you would not be seeking me had you not already found me that's a notion which makes people drool but personally I don't think it's at all profound actually I think it's rather silly with more sleight-of-word than truth to it a little girl named Lucie all alone in a tent in the middle of the African bush she wore pretty pyjamas with vertical red and green stripes she had a very small jaguar for a friend and she used him for a hot-water bottle in bed that cat of his ought to have been called Fluff not Kitty and then its kitten could have been called Fluffy I knew a cat called Fluffy which looked so drab and scruffy it spilt its milk and made a fuss and so I called it Blunderpuss what a nerve saying doe-eyed to my face and afterwards I danced all abject and only too happy to be doe-eyed such darling nerve there's something else I should do which is to say sorry for throwing the glass still how was I to know it was him never mind what's done is done the greatest leaders make mistakes so put it down to experience least said soonest mended after the Ritz we came back here little sitting-room gazed at the sky together me afloat on honey played the chorale awfully well when I'd finished turned round prettily and faced him charming serious sincere he was deeply moved I could feel it remember not to have it cleaned by just anybody there's a shop that specializes in cleaning suede in that little street I move around too much when I play the piano it shows up in my behind I must be more careful perhaps get myself a girdle that way curves less visible no you feel imprisoned besides it's bad for the circulation and then when he holds me close his hand strays down to well sometimes not always and I wouldn't want him to find elasticated fabric down there that wouldn't be much of a welcome and anyway what's a few curves curves are part of the female anatomy men like er well let's say hips and so do I too I think they're attractive but breasts much more so especially mine which are marmoreal it's tasteless to say marmoreal but when you're by yourself you can afford to be a weeny bit vulgar it's fun Solal is my bestest friend oh how I love him exclamation mark he loves me like a tender brother oh how he loves me exclamation mark here below relations friends and everything else may pass but he goes on for ever and by his grace he never wearies of me oh how I love him three exclamation marks now for the sofa on that first night the sofa came after the chorale he and I sitting on the sofa he being a man and me a woman so a man and a woman together and him in a white dinner-jacket all slim his black hair all tousled eyes so clear shoulders at least a kilometre wide and me sitting next to him looking quite adorable he draws near and I draw near too careful be sure you picture it accurately now first just lips then more than lips then snorkel snorkel me with my eyes shut performing like an old hand as if I'd been doing it all my life then getting very keen and acquiring a taste for it wanting more and beginning again twin mouths exquisitely tormenting and tormented frenziedly intertwining at deep-sea-diving depths oh it was glorious and when it was over we began again and yet before he came along and I was at the pictures and they showed a man's hand on the back of the girl's neck and her closing her eyes in ecstasy I used to say to myself I could never no it would make me laugh well I can tell you I didn't feel a bit like laughing when you think about it the way women like men is definitely odd our kisses weren't aren't in any way lewd or depraved they're just the way we have of expressing our love of saying I am him and he is me be careful not to keep him too late tonight make cut-off point one in the morning sharp I'm responsible for seeing he keeps in good shape that's my job now it's not the smoochy stuff I care about what matters is that he knows I love him and I know that he loves me so kisses are very important but they must be more than just physical our souls must seek each other and mingle by means of our kisses oh oh oh and then in the dark you know when he leaned over my my let's just say chestworks I felt the sweetness of his love not lust when he smokes he holds his cigarette between his third and fourth fingers I hold mine the same way oh be honest there was a hint of lust in the dark I was vanquished and deliriously ashamed and then I wasn't ashamed at all there I was a jelly entirely at his mercy like a grateful native girl obviously it all came as a bit of a shock that very first evening we had kissing with tongues first and then that other business in the dark but if I went along with it from the word go it was because I had absolute trust in him and anyway if I'd played up and created like some posturing nymph surprised while bathing it would have been as good as admitting that something improper was going on basically until now what I've been is a sort of virgin periodically raped by awful lawful I used to let him do it because I felt sorry for him also sort of raped by S too and I used to let him do it because I was his friend and respected him but also out of vanity oh yes the stupid pride of knowing that I was desirable O Sol I'm sorry for hiding my pathetic little affair with S from you but I wouldn't want you to think that I've ever loved anyone else I've never loved anyone but you I am your maiden your virgin only with you do I S was nothing to me nothing he was a mistake it only happened because I was unhappy unhappily trapped in marriage I don't want you to despise me I don't deserve that I don't want to lose you eternity is each evening each moment I spend with you my lord which is why dying doesn't matter when it's me that touches them it's not the same thing as when he touches them and that goes to show that there's definitely something soulful about it something spiritual and proper anyway to do the things he does when he when he well anyway I'd need to have a bently neck like a giraffe why do giraffes have such long necks perhaps it's so they can see their enemies coming miles away but how come their necks got to be so long perhaps it came about by accident perhaps there used to be several kinds of giraffes some with titchy necks touch my neck well anyway the ones with titchy necks couldn't see their enemies coming in time and got gobbled up by lions there aren't any giraffes like that left now only the ones with long necks survived or perhaps it wasn't an accident perhaps the longness came about gradually perhaps fear made them crane their necks which got longer and longer and mothers passed it on to their daughters not that I give a tuppenny damn coming back to that first evening fortunately I never wear a bra otherwise it would have been an uphill struggle especially for a first time it would have created the most awful tangle first I'd have had to undo it then take it off like in a doctor's surgery or at least pull it down which would have been terribly embarrassing he'd have had to wait until the performance was all over and I'd have died of shame while it was in full swing and besides it would have been undignified common a sort of striptease whereas in the event it
all happened without my even noticing thanks to bra-less state or anyhow more or less it was all rather unreal and fortunately it was dark O God I wanted to talk about how noble it was and here I am going on about bras whereas it was holy after all that's what love your neighbour means fortunately he didn't look when I stood up and did up the top of my dress I would have felt humiliated he's taller than I am which is right that's how it should be I'm talking more and more like a shop-girl I love having to look up at him I love feeling very small that's how it is deep down we girls are all alike it's only our vocabulary that's different tell me sweetie is he good-looking I should say he is the Apollo Belvedere is a repulsive midget in comparison he's nice but he can be a brute at times that's what's so marvellous oh damn he said a lot of things at the Ritz about that sort of attitude but there it is there are times when his heartless smile makes me weak with happiness and there is that stony face of his which makes you behave like some fawning doll just so he notices you and becomes approachable I'd say one metre eighty-five I always thought Jews were all short his physical size is a reflection of his moral stature anyhow he's very handsome not handsome like your pretty young men but handsome because his noble soul shines through I've heard that all the girls in the L of N are crazy about him who told me that oh yes I think it was the awful lawful when he walks by the hussies all stare at him with their tongues hanging out like thirsty dogs the decent ones look away so they won't be tempted to stare poor things being stuck with the kind of husbands they've got you can well understand it when I was a Girl Guide I used to look up words in the dictionary for instance copulation it didn't help much I had a grasp of the general idea but there were details which escaped me before there was you I never kissed anyone the way I kiss you but you kissed lots of women you should have waited for me it makes me sad but at the same time I'm proud to think he has been so loved but they'd better lay off now I'll have to burn myself a bit to punish me for saying those two words burn myself just above my belly-button no you never know it's got to be a place that's well out of sight so burn myself on the sole of my foot with matches that way it'll hurt when I walk but it won't be visible it had to happen to me of course to fall head over heels for a Jew five centuries of Protestantism and that's where it's got me must remember tonight that my right side's my best but what shall I do if he sits on my left if he does say I'm a bit deaf in my left ear and tell him to sit on my right are you crazy or what make yourself out to be some sort of old crock no never out of the question if he sits on my left get up as if I'm going to fetch cigarettes and sit down again on my good side to ensure he's on my right a simple elegant solution I get awfully silly when I'm by myself rotten old cow she says insure instead of ensure rotten old cow she says domestics instead of servants put some logs ready in the hearth just in case it gets chilly if it does turn off the lights the two of us sitting on the floor in the dark in the light of the dancing flames the golden reflections on my face pull hem of skirt well down I'm glad he likes his uncle so much it's very reassuring I love the way his uncle gives him his blessing it's biblical I felt so thrilled and proud during one lull between kisses it must have been around kiss number two hundred I really admired what he said about his uncle but at the same time I was wondering if he didn't want to any more but then it all started up madly again we'll go into a church together and we'll hold hands I should have gone to a beauty parlour but I'd have had to face all those made-up trollops in their blue overalls and anyway they might have made a mess of me mustn't forget to put out grapes and peaches in my sitting-room they're useful because well anyhow in a while try on the Volkmaars lay out the four that look best on me then try them again just the four this time rule out half compare the two winners and select supreme champion if none of them will do you'll still have the ducky dress the neck's just low enough so it should be all right provided all goes as planned I mean a girl has to think of everything but it wasn't really my fault he begged me after my suicide attempt went down on bended knee to marry him he took advantage of my state wasn't in my right mind which means my consent was not valid but when it's him it's divine so it must be psychic which is a comfort the kisses must also be psychical but also exquisite still you've got to admit that to the detached observer the spectacle of wilful hungering mouths prodding churning would seem highly comical and probably repulsive a couple of carnivores mouth-in-mouth twin tongues unflaggingly snaking braided like initials trying to intertwine and not succeeding but persisting nevertheless and the result is uproar deep and probing yes exactly like a rampaging maybe deranged customs official furiously ferreting through your case and mixing up everything inside now that's enough there's to be no more about customs officials God what sort of woman am I I worship my lord and here I am up to my neck in water talking sacrilege I really am beyond the pale what I've been saying is abominable fruity kisses are absolutely divine but seriously darling I do treat them as sacrosanct and give them with all my soul so when he comes tonight countless divine kisses on sofa me pinned down under him as he leans down and on with the divine fruity kisses all flavours such as raging peach raspberry we're suddenly in calmer waters then off we go again on another ride on love's raging roundabout and then it's furious pineapple urgent apricot unruly grapes passionate pear demonic apple and suddenly it's cherry and sweet decelerating strawberry easy easy now O brother of my soul O Jan of Janistan me at the end of my tether mouth hanging open just letting it happen we're still in a heap on the divine divan and then there'll be pauses and I'll be deliciously drained dry my head on his shoulder like any mushy girl and then he'll take me in his arms and I'll feel more and more gormless and helpless and protected by the minute in other words absolute bliss and once more my lips will meet his lips juices flowing though I've centuries of Aubles in me and then him squeezing till it hurts a man and a woman and me unable to hold out any longer and wanting him so much to take my clothes off and look at me it's very nice being looked at when you've got no clothes on I love it and I let him do whatever he likes inside my mouth it's his kingdom oh yes and other parts of me are also his kingdom his property his garden and I'll want him to take the initiative and he'll sense it and then it'll be the other thing you know leaning over my chestworks I mean over one of my smosob if you must know that's right smosob smosob I say words backwards when I'm too embarrassed to say them forwards anyway there I am like some compliant queen being given her due it's heavenly begging him to go on and on and on the right one then left then right again and me grateful groaning purring politely in other words inarticulate thanks and gently stroking my darling's divine and tousled hair so that he knows I approve and am so very thankful and oh God don't let him stop oh I'm so primitive and then all at once I say I can't wait any longer and crave consecration I like a noble victim stretched out on the altar oh his narrow garden let him in let him stay I hold him there I urge him in oh stay for ever my beloved stay cloistered in your nun of love oh when he is in me and I'm not ashamed to say it because it's so fine so noble oh oh when he's in me time has no meaning oh and when he finds release in me arching bucking release which I feel in me I look at him and time has no meaning and I acknowledge that someday one autumn evening I shall die perhaps of cancer this I accept because when he exults in me I exist outside time oh I am made happier by the joy I give him than by the pleasure I take from him oh my love tell me you are happy in me oh stay stay that's enough of that I forbid it because it's all getting disgusting no not disgusting my darling love but you do see it's intolerable especially in water water's dreadfully subversive oh my darling please come and be happy in me no but really put your foot down change the subject if only on account of those two poor little angels perched on their tap you're letting them hear things they're too young to know about darling don't despise me it just comes over me it has a will of its own I swear I feel ashamed of being so physical but I didn't used to be that way inclined at all when I'm talking to him say just that way not that way inclined but it's not wrong to be physical when love's your re
ligion oh oh oh as she chanted a threnody the ravishing girl cupped her breasts and touched the nipples damn not the same thing at all she exclaimed giving way to dreadful rage and growing incensed because he was not there she devoured a large bar of scented soap like yes a black lizard yes that's much smarter and in conversation casually bring up analogies between Pascal and Kant so that he can see what stuff I'm made of take up riding again he must see me on a horse a Greek cruise me dressed in white and blue leaning over the ship's prow and he by my side watching me like mad and me with a far-off look in my eye oh when I look at him I'm just a native girl standing before a settler or rather a Romanian peasant with long plaits and bare feet gazing adoringly at her man a good thing to try would be to hold your nose and eat granulated sugar yes dearie we adorable creatures get hiccoughs when we're by ourselves on original sin he said that properly speaking it was oh I don't know what anyhow it was something to do with man's animal origins in other words a sense of guilt anyway I don't give a damn but you've got to pretend to take an interest when he asked for some photos of me when I was little I rushed off like some silly serving-girl I brought him my album he loved the photo of me when I was twelve knee-socks bare legs and ringlets he thought Daddy was very handsome said he looked scrupulous thoughtful I explained that the ring on my little finger with the Auble arms was Daddy's signet-ring which I had cut down to fit me he kissed the signet-ring Daddy it was as if he was asking your permission to love me that grey-flannel suit of his wonderfully cut he's the sort clothes always look well on doesn't wear his jackets waisted black tie with white polka dots women's dressmakers never get suits right they're always a bit approximate always overemphasize the waist I'll be firm about my next suit I'll say no nipping in at the waist got that my man darling I'm not afraid of you my man last night in bed I called him a cretin but you see darling you do bully me and it's rather nice to call you names back when I was little I used to stand outside toyshops and make magic signs I thought that perhaps when I got home the dollies I'd seen in the window would be there waiting for me no more Hungarian countesses no more Vansteads good riddance I wanted to tell him about my magic signs the day he went away but he came close and I couldn't my mouth was otherwise engaged so how could I say anything I get too passionate at night when I'm with him I'm afraid he'll think I'm awful call me medical names when he's being very attentive that is to say when he kisses my hand instead of hum you know what anyway when he's being attentive my conscious mind is ever so proud but my unconscious is another matter now mind you make jolly sure that his countess stays put in Hungary if we've adopted a rather formal way of speaking to each other most of the time it's really to heighten our appreciation of the more intimate er less formal moments sometimes when he looks at me the ends of both smosob get so hard that it's embarrassing they must show through my dress I worry in case they'll poke right through the material why am I becoming so dreadfully feminine I'd rather like to be a man but only in one department the rest I'd keep feminine hips breasts in fact the combination would be the perfect human being don't be silly everything is fine as it is don't change a thing let a man be a man and a woman a woman what sickens me is that I am so humble it started with my Russian salaaming it set the tone for our relationship yes it sickens me but I like it too it's funny I act like a woman in love when I'm with him oh yes I put it on and yet it's genuine too he is my god then next moment he's a happy little boy proudly showing me his new shaving-brush and I come over all maternal and turn into jelly oh the night before he went away oh when a good woman is in love a man can twist her round his little finger we women don't have any real moral sense at all if he wanted me to do something that's wrong though I can't think of an example let's just say something really infernal I just know that I'd do it remember to put out the fruit make it peaches have a bite of one just before he comes essential preparation for snorkelling and when he's here in intervals between snorkelling find way of taking another bite of peach as if your mind's elsewhere make out it's some kind of little female caprice all casual and delightful and pert the real point being to keep breath sweet and desirable and scents of garden indoors on second thoughts forget the peach peaches are too complicated it would have to be peeled first and that would make my fingers sticky and I'd make a mess and I'd drop bits and he'd notice and I'd lose face make it a grape now and then a grape would be much more discreet I could just pop one into my mouth on the sly without his seeing hello six twenty-five Cost fan tutte gets tiresome when all those pretty young men and pretty young ladies start warbling quartets when I give Mariette her wages she always sort of bubbles in that way she has she comes over all friendly perks up no end not that she's close-fisted but for her holding her hand out for money is an absorbing ritual a fascinating ceremonial the way Mariette went on at the decorators was basically flirty a typical case of the glad eye the sort of thing working-class women do it always starts with that's men for you he must have liked it when I did my Romanian-peasant-girl-with-dangling-plaits number when you serve the tea don't put out biscuits because there's a reason oh what the I'll say it out straight here goes it's because biscuits leave might leave soggy little bits in my mouth and later on during snorkelling operations he'll find them and it would be a total fiasco I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye after that I've got a very literal mind but I can't help it and yet I am his completely his nun of love O darling the other day I called round to see Penelope Kanakis just so I could talk about you but to avoid arousing suspicion I said awful things about you O darling I said arrogant obnoxious heartless and Penelope said she quite agreed the bitch I could have throttled her I left after a few minutes of very frosty chat and went on to Sigismonde de Heller's with the same thought in my mind I so needed to talk about you I also said that you're not as good-looking as people say Sigismonde objected violently she said all sorts of marvellous things about you clearly she's a person who improves with knowing just a little more hot water please thanks now darling I want to tell you how I kept you by me last night in a dark corner of the church how both our hearts swelled on hearing the joy of the fugue and we bowed our heads together when the grave-toned chorale growled and then we went out into the ill-lit square and we walked slow-stepped and you spoke of the organ and of God and I listened and I loved you on the wireless the minister said Thy kingdom come and I said Amen but I was thinking of your return do you remember that evening in your suite with the crowd of people and I was supposed to be just another guest it was wonderful to be making polite conversation like two civilized strangers and know that soon we'd be naked together but our eyes spoke of love and I blew you a kiss without anyone else being any the wiser wonderful to feel the caress of your hand when you offered me a cigarette we were exalted and raised above the crowd of conjugal mortals wonderful to take my leave of you and know that I would soon return when the others had gone oh hold me close I am yours in all purity with every fibre of my being you're a silly woman pull yourself together Debussy is ghastly so wishy-washy that old record of horrendous Yvette Guilbert she rolls her r's pronounces each word so carefully by that I mean she gives each word a silly spiritual charge if I ever get a cold I won't tell him that way I won't lose face I'll phone and say I want to be alone no don't phone write so he won't hear my voice all bunged up and nasal I'm sorry but I need to be alone that way he'll be miserable and he'll love me more so the unfortunate fact that I've caught cold and won't be seeing him will be put to good purpose another useful dodge when I'm supposed to go round to see him at the Ritz would be to ring up at the last moment and say I can't come or alternatively turn up late and to ensure I do turn up late have another bath just before leaving oh that'll make him really miserable do you remember the day I came to one of the L of N committees to see you doing your stuff you were ever so impressive jabbering away in English do you remember I sent you a note saying I love you and you read it with a face like stone and I was in seventh heaven watching you with a face like stone but afterwards you chatted pleasantly to Sir John
hello said I to myself he can be very pleasant hello said I to myself he's got a boss and that's him and then when you'd finished speaking everyone clapped I whispered he's my man and his stony face lights up only for me and I suddenly had this crazy urge to go up to him in front of all the delegates and ask him to give me a fruity kiss I mean to say all those fully clothed serious people must get up to all sorts at night yes it's true when he's not with me I love him even more because when he's there he cramps my style and I can't love him properly besides things quickly turn all steamy when he's there and then I forget all about him I'm freezing a drop more hot water please thanks that's enough when I'm about to write him a letter I practise first before getting down to it in earnest I try different sizes and styles of writing then I place a blotter under my right hand to keep the paper clean and with my left I support one luscious breast I lean over the opening of my dress and breathe in the smell of my nakedness which rises with my body heat don't tell him that because unclean words should never pass a woman's lips especially during the day darling I want you to know that though I might seem passionately interested in what goes on between the sheets all that sort of thing comes a poor second in my book no don't tell him that he might be offended darling about that weekend we spent together at Ouchy in the Hotel Beau Rivage you mustn't forget that I am my aunt's niece I wasn't used to hotels with quite so many stars do you remember this is the life for me I said strutting up and down proudly oh yes it would be wonderful to live with him in a hotel and never see anyone else that day I spotted him walking down the street I crossed to the opposite pavement because I wasn't sure if I was perfect enough to be seen oh that night at Ouchy as I lay in bed waiting while he took his bath I groaned I begged him to come quickly I felt oddly disturbed by this image I had of a woman waiting in a shameless state of nature waiting for the male in love with her own body which she contemplated as she waited oh when he takes me I say your servant your woman and I cry because I'm happy hollow-eyed inspired oh darling the day you came on horseback just as you were about to go I clung to your stirrup like the wife of the knight setting off for the crusades oh darling do you remember once it was three in the morning we'd just separated you'd just got back to the Ritz I phoned to ask if you would return to me and you came back so eagerly he must see how well I can ride too that'll be one in the eye for him you may do what you want with me take a horsewhip to my back or even lower down but you mustn't leave any permanent marks I love it when he looks at me when I'm naked sometimes when I'm by myself I like imagining that he's taking me by force or that I'm chained up and he's this male on the rampage I can't get away from him and he does the most dreadful things to me I don't see any objection to a spot of male savagery it suits me down to the ground why are you saying such awful things I despise you no don't despise me because I don't mean it it's just thoughts pure as the driven snow that's me I like singing hymns I thirst for your nearness holy lord of my faith in my great weakness what would I do without you every day every hour come to me Sol and stay oh stay by me and in the morning at the Beau Rivage after shaving he came and we had breakfast together it was wonderful there was a little blob of shaving-cream behind his ear which made me want to cry and then I drew his dressing-gown aside smooth tanned chest narrow hips and oh those clear greeny-blue eyes and also wakey-wakey it'll be seven o'clock soon look alive get out of bath look sharp dry yourself.