by Kat T. Masen
If they accepted homosexuality, they can accept I’m going to be a single mom.
“So, I take it you’re not in a relationship with the father?”
“Three words for you, Doc. One. Night. Stand.”
I see pity or maybe even a little bit of judgment in his eyes. He carries on about prenatal appointments, supplements, and other things that are flying in one ear and out the other. In my head, I only see the look on the Jerk’s face when I tell him.
Or maybe I don’t tell him?
No. No, I have to tell him.
Then there is Marcus.
This is too much to think about, so I opt for a quick escape, head to the nearest supermarket, and fill my cart full of chocolate. The checkout lady is definitely judging me, and I am quick to ease her curiosity.
“I just found out I’m knocked up after a one-night stand. I work in the same office as him, plus he’s a jerk.”
“You eat that chocolate, girl, and you enjoy it,” she tells me, even discounting my total at the end.
It’s a long walk back to my apartment, and as soon as I open the door, the boxes packed against the wall remind me of what’s to come.
How can I have a baby when I soon will have no place to live?
How can I continue working, and who would take care of the baby?
The questions keep flooding my brain until I’m forced to sit down with a migraine of epic proportions.
I fall asleep, and when I wake up, it’s dark outside.
My phone lights the room, and I pick it up to read the text.
Marcus: Raincheck tomorrow night, babe. Haden’s back in town and boy does he have a surprise.
The phone slips out of my hand and onto the floor.
Running fast to the bathroom, I vomit profusely into the toilet. My unruly hair is mangled in my face, forcing me to turn the shower on. As the steam fills the bathroom, I undress and stare at my naked body in the mirror. My stomach still looks flat, and even as I turn to the side, nothing appears to be different. My breasts, however, they look like giant balloons. How did I not notice this before? There is a swell just underneath my nipples. When I touch them, my body jolts at the unpleasant tingle that follows. Even the color looks slightly different, darker.
The steam soon covers the mirror. I climb into the shower and allow the hot water to wash my worries away.
I have to be the adult here. He deserves to know the truth, even if he doesn’t want anything to do with us.
Us.
I will tell him in person.
Tomorrow.
No, maybe Monday.
Or maybe I’ll wait until I’m showing, and he works it out for himself.
Yep, I’m screwed any way you look at it.
Nine
“So, I Facebook stalked him.”
I’m dazed and confused, primarily from the lack of sleep all weekend. Leaving Dr. Taylor’s office that day confirmed I am fifteen weeks along, pregnant by a man I despise. A stranger, in fact.
I spent the weekend panicking, planning, more panicking, and eating way too much chocolate. It isn’t the next five months I have to worry about, it is the rest of my life.
Am I even mother material? When I was fifteen, I changed my cousin’s diaper and got shit all over her face. The little brat wouldn’t keep still. Then, when I realized there was shit on the blanket, I threw it in the trash and told my auntie we left it at the park.
I’m going to be a terrible mother.
Vicky is sitting on my desk, cross-legged and shoving her phone in my face. I push it away in dismay, not wanting to deal with anything and trying my best to ignore the dry heaving. It’s Monday morning, and the office buzz is that Haden is officially back in town. Even Dee looks nervous, although I don’t know why since she has moved on with someone old enough to be her dad.
“You don’t look well,” Vicky sympathizes, handing me a bottle of water.
“Would you feel well if the man whose life you’re going to turn upside down is just about to walk through that door?”
“You have a point. So, don’t you want to know more about him?”
“I don’t think now’s the time.”
Vicky ignores me. “He’s into extreme sports.”
“Aren’t most guys?” I place my head down on my desk, resting my eyes for a brief moment.
“He loves animals. Has two dogs, Marley and Max. They’re Yorkshire Terriers.”
“Really? That’s kind of… feminine,” I mumble into my arm.
Vicky laughs, agreeing. “His favorite TV show is Top Gear.”
“Such a guy show.”
“Oh, and he plays the guitar.”
I raise my head slowly, blinking at the bright fluorescent lights. “Hmm… kinda hot.”
I cover my mouth immediately as if I were caught saying a naughty word. Vicky laughs but stops as soon as we hear the muffled voices. I try to shoo her away, turning around, so I am facing the computer and pretending that the words on my screen make sense when in reality, my nervous system has gone into meltdown mode.
“Hey, babe!”
Marcus turns my chair back around and plants a juicy kiss on my lips. Without seeming too obvious, I pull away from him and flash a fake smile, a sign of endearment to cover my nerves.
He slides his hand around the back of my neck and pulls me in again. This is not appropriate work behavior, so I gently scold him. He appears annoyed, but I ignore his childish behavior.
The Jerk is standing beside him.
My eyes are heavily studying the pile in the carpet and slowly but steadily move up and trace his shoes. They are shiny black with a slight point. His pants are navy, tailored to enhance his lean physique. Making sure my eyes avoid his crotch, I slowly scan the buttons on his shirt until I have no choice but to acknowledge his face. My eyes linger on his lips. They are full and deliciously pink, parted slightly to reveal his straight teeth. Just do it, just look at his goddamn eyes because everyone is staring at you.
One, two, three, and there they are. Haden is watching, and his simple stare has shot right through me, sitting in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it’s the four months apart, a new hairstyle, or new clothes, but something about him is different. He looks well, sexy.
He is going to be your baby daddy.
You have to live the rest of your life around this man.
He has no fucking clue I am the devil in disguise right now.
So why is he looking at me with an odd, yet familiar stare?
There is a woman, or rather, a girl beside him. Standing only just to his shoulders, she smiles kindly and introduces herself as Eloise. She has perfect blonde tresses sitting on her couture dress. With her ruby red lipstick and long dark eyelashes, she is quite a stunning girl.
“Eloise is Haden’s fiancée,” Marcus gloat’s.
Vicky moves her head in a not-so-subtle way toward me, watching my reaction and yelling with her eyes, “OMG, what the fuck?”
The shock and enormity of the situation are constricting my vocal cords, forcing me to reach out my hand and congratulate them. I manage to mumble something congratulatory, and when Haden’s hand touches mine, I don’t want to let go.
He watches our hands touch and holds on for a second before I pull away. Behind his glasses, his eyes fall upon me in silence until Vicky opens her mouth, breaking his gaze.
“So, you got engaged in London?”
“Paris, actually. Haden popped the question, and I said yes!” She flashes her ring, which I pretend to be interested in. There is something about princess cuts and Harry Winston in the same sentence. Wow, I had no idea he had money since he bummed around so much. Okay, that is not the issue at hand. What the hell is happening here? I mean, did fate just leave another pile of dog shit on my porch or what.
He. Is. Engaged.
You. Are. Carrying. His. Baby.
Everything that could possibly have gone wrong, has gone wrong.
Words are being exchanged around me, yet I’m
deaf, falling into a dark hole and wishing I could rewind to the days when my biggest problem was Jason putting his white socks in with the pile of black ones.
“So, we should double date sometime,” Marcus insists.
“Triple date. Find me a man, Marcus,” Vicky adds.
“Hard to find you a man when you’ve slept with the whole city.”
A mini argument starts, and I turn to face my computer, fairly certain the contents of my stomach will soon end up all over my keyboard. I have been fortunate enough to avoid morning sickness, but I definitely know things are changing—including my appetite. I excuse myself and rush to the restroom.
Vicky follows straight after me. “You okay? Well, I know you’re not.”
“I can’t do this, Vicky.” I pace up and down the small restroom, then rush to the stall to vomit profusely. Vicky is holding my hair, rubbing my back until I flush the toilet and pull myself up.
Back at the basin, I repeatedly splash my face with cold water.
“You can do it because you have to,” she reminds me, gently.
“Vicky, he’s getting married. Four months is a short time to meet someone and get engaged, but fuck, I can’t ruin his life.”
“You’re not ruining it! You have a baby inside you. That’s a blessing.”
“Then why do I feel like it’s the worst thing that could happen to me?”
“Because you’re scared, Pres. My mom was sixteen when she had me. Then eighteen when she had my brother. That’s scary. You’re thirty-two. You can handle this.”
“So even if I can handle it, I’m not sure he can.”
“He has time to get used to the idea. The baby isn’t coming out now. You’re only four months along. Still another five months. Plenty of time,” Vicky reassures me.
I don’t feel reassured. I know Haden well enough to know this is not in his plan. It wasn’t in my plan either. But I know what I have to do. Haden would see this as the monumental fuck-up that ruined his life.
Marcus is still lingering around my cubicle when I return. He doesn’t seem worried that I disappeared, and instead, makes plans for lunch.
“I won’t be able to go out today. I’ve got a lot of work to do.”
“It can wait,” he states.
“No, it can’t.” My patience is wearing thin, and I just want to be alone for a minute to process my thoughts. “It’s probably best you just go for now.”
“What’s going on with you?” He raises his tone.
“Marcus.” I turn to face him. “I’m at work. I need this job to earn money. We can talk about things later.”
I turn back around, ignoring the fact that he is still standing there.
“Okay, I’ll call you tonight. I love you.” With a solemn goodbye, he leaves my cubicle, and finally, I have the peace I deserve.
Later that afternoon, Mr. Sadler calls me into his office to discuss the manuscript I have been working on for months.
“Good afternoon, Presley,” he greets me.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Sadler.”
Taking a seat at the table, he finishes an email he is typing, then turns to face me. Beside his phone is a picture of his wife. She is a pretty lady, and the one time I met her at a work function, she was very nice. There are only pictures of her and who I assume is his daughter. He once told me she lived in Korea with her husband.
“I called you in today to briefly discuss the manuscript you’ve been working on. You’ve got the green light to go ahead with that one.”
“Oh, wow! Thank you. That’s fantastic news.”
“There’s just one—”
The Jerk walks into the room without even knocking. Mr. Sadler’s face softens, and he motions for Haden to sit down. Taking a seat beside me, he leans back and crosses his legs accordingly, making me wonder how he managed that without squashing his masculine parts.
“So, as I was saying before Haden joined us, please go ahead with the manuscript for Fallen Baby. I’d like you to collaborate with Haden on releasing it before the holiday season.”
What the…
“But… but I don’t understand why we need to work on this project together. Besides, I thought he was busy with that sci-fi series he picked up in London?”
My panicked tone amuses Haden, and he cocks his head with a sly grin. From the corner of my eye, I can see that he is studying my body and, paranoid, I rest my hands on my stomach to cover the small bump that has grown overnight. Or so I think.
“Haden has been quite efficient, and that’s already at the printers ready to go. Both of you have strong opinions, and together, I believe you will make a great team.”
A great team? A great team was Regis and Kelly, Sonny and Cher, not Haden and Presley! And why is Haden not objecting to any of this, sitting here so quiet without an opinion.
“So that’s settled? Okay. I need to head out. Please feel free to use my office if you need to brainstorm.” Mr. Sadler is out of there fast, leaving my mouth gaping, staring in shock at the door.
“Why didn’t you say something?” I snap.
“What do you want me to say? I already had the same argument when he originally asked me,” he responds, too casually for my liking.
“We can’t work together.”
“Why not? We’re both professionals, Malone.”
“Because it’s awkward.”
“Maybe for you. I’ve swept it under the rug as you suggested.”
“What?” I shake my head, trying to process the enormity of another pile of shit added to my overgrowing doorstep. Working with him would mean I would have to talk to him, interact outside of working hours, and maintain a composed and professional relationship. There is no way in hell this will work, and even if I give it my best, his cocky attitude will only cause another fight between us. This all seems too much and makes me tired just thinking about it.
He opens his mouth to say something, but I interrupt him, noticing the time on the wall.
“I have to go.”
I stand up and walk toward the door without saying goodbye.
“We’re supposed to be discussing work. You can’t just leave,” he hisses.
“I have somewhere I need to be. I’ll be back later.”
He doesn’t seem pleased with my answer. “Where?”
It’s not the moment to tell him that I’m off to my sixteen-week scan. This lying is so draining, so I do the next best thing—I put on my bitch panties and unleash.
“None of your business, Jerk!”
I storm out of the room, then out of the building, hailing a taxi as I rush to my appointment.
Flustered, I barely make the appointment, and the receptionist ushers me to the room quickly. I’m instructed to undress and lie on the bed. As I settle in, the sonographer arrives and briefly explains what she’ll be doing today since it’s my first time.
Everything is going according to plan. The baby measures right, things and bits are in the correct positions. Not much to report, apart from the lack of emotion I feel. I always envisioned it differently. I’d be holding my husband’s hand as we both cry at the sound of the heartbeat. Instead, I squirm uncomfortably from the gallon of water I am forced to drink while staring at a screen and pretending to know what I’m looking at, not to mention the copious amounts of warm lube spread all over me.
When she is finished, she gives me a picture of the baby.
I stare at it the entire taxi ride back to the office. Because I haven’t felt the baby move, and the fact that I’m still in utter shock about being pregnant, the so-called attachment I’m supposed to feel is missing. According to a pregnancy book I picked up over the weekend, many women have already bonded with their baby at this point, and there’s some bullshit about how it forms part of the mother-child bond after birth.
Great, my kid is going to hate me.
Back in the office, I drop my purse to the floor beneath my desk and make my way to one of the spare boardrooms, counting down the minutes until it’s
time to go home, something I rarely do.
“Oi!” Clive scans the area and pulls me aside. “What’s the gossip with Haden getting engaged?”
“I know just as much as you… I think. Why? What do you know?” I pry.
“Dee is throwing a temper tantrum. I think she was hoping to pick up from where they left off.”
“But Dee has Big Daddy now.”
“Big Daddy has a big wife that caught wind of Dee.”
“No!” I gasp. “Listen, I have to get to a meeting, but I want full details tomorrow. I swear, Clive, you really should work for the Inquirer.”
“I know, my talents are beyond wasted here.”
Upon entering the room, I see Haden sitting at the table with his laptop and coffee. He doesn’t make eye contact with me and seems engrossed in whatever’s on his screen. Probably porn.
“Make this quick,” I complain. “I want to go home.”
“You’re the one pushing for this erotic make-believe story, not me.”
“What’s your problem with it? Obviously, Mr. Sadler has no issue, and neither does everyone else,” I point out in a huff.
“There’s fantasy, and then there is plain ridiculous. Men aren’t virgins at twenty-five.”
“Clearly, you weren’t. Did you even read the story? He came from a strict Catholic upbringing. His mother had cancer from when he was eighteen to twenty-four. When she died, he wanted to honor her wishes.”
“I did read it, it’s just difficult for me to compute, but hey, I’m not a horny old woman reading erotic fantasies to escape my failing marriage.”
“You don’t need to be an old woman to enjoy these types of books. I was in a happy relationship and read books in this genre. It was fun, even gave me ideas.”
Crap, I’ve said too much.
Haden shifts uncomfortably. “Right, when you were with Jasper.”
“Jason,” I correct him.
“Whatever,” he mutters under his breath.
This is heading to an uncomfortable place, yet his snide comment irks me.
“Do you have a problem with Jason?”
“I don’t know your ex-fiancé. Except for when you constantly mention him.”