Fashionably Dead and Wed Book 7

by Robyn Peterman

  “Oh Hell no,” Ethan groaned, pressing the bridge of his nose and trying not to laugh.

  “Um… oh Hell yes,” I replied with a grimace. “I’m thinking we’ll never be able to listen to this song again.”

  “It okay mommy,” Samuel said, playing with my tiara. “Marfa and Jane practiced. It was so good all the glass bwoke in their room!”

  “Awesome,” I said, as I kissed my positive little man.

  It took nine minutes, forty-three seconds, and three encores to get them off the stage. The best part was when Martha tried to do the drool thing that Angus from AC/DC had perfected. Martha choked and Jeff had to run on stage and give her the Heimlich. It was mortifyingly appropriate that Jane never stopped singing even when her sister was potentially dying.

  No one used the lighters. My friends and family were too shocked and needed their hands to cover their ears. God and Jesus were the only two who actually danced at the edge of the stage, but they were the kindest guys in the Universe—literally.

  “Never seen anything like that,” Gemma said, offering me her wrist. “The cake is unbelievable. Try it.”

  “Don’t mind if I do,” I said as I bit down on her wrist.

  My eyes rolled back in my head, it was so delicious. She offered her other wrist to Samuel who had the same reaction I did. Blobbityflonk was a culinary genius. I filed the discovery away in my head and made a mental list of all the food I missed. Wonderful things came in strange hairy packages.

  “You didn’t tell me your grandmother was going to dance,” Ethan said as he paled.

  “I tried to block it out,” I told him.

  We all watched in horror as two poles descended from the ceiling. Mother Nature was on one and Fat Gay Demon Doug was on the other. Everyone clapped politely because they were terrified not to.

  The mirror balls increased in speed and the room became a bad acid flashback. Everyone in attendance let out horrified gasps as I Like Big Butts by Sir Mix-A-Lot blasted through the speakers. Mother Nature and Demon Doug went to town. Grandma Gigi only fell off her pole three times and thankfully everyone was too polite to point or laugh. Demon Doug, on the other hand, didn’t fall once. He was difficult to watch, but at least he stayed on the pole.

  “She’s a real pro,” Grandpa shouted over the loud music. “She falls off and gets right back on.”

  I smiled and nodded. I was too afraid I would say something that might be overheard by Mother Nature and my reception would end with a monsoon.

  When they finished, they were both limping but so proud that I clapped like a fool. Nudging my appalled mate, I indicated that he’d better cheer like there was no tomorrow… because one never knew with my Grandmother.

  “Please tell me the entertainment is over,” Ethan said in between whistling for the outrageous performance from Mother Nature and Demon Doug.

  “Only good stuff is left,” I promised as I leaned in and kissed him, smooshing a giggling Samuel between us.

  The mirror ball went back to a speed that didn’t induce seasickness and the lights in the room lowered. Two spotlights illuminated and the crowd hushed. One spotlight picked up Steve Perry as he humbly walked onto the stage and the other lit the area smack in the middle of the empty dance floor.

  “I’m here tonight because my dear friend Astrid invited me,” Steve said with a smile and a nod to Ethan and me. “I wish the very best to Astrid and Ethan. A love like theirs is something to be cherished and protected. I’m only a mere Unicorn singer, but I’d like to offer you a gift. Astrid, Ethan, can you come to the dance floor?”

  Gemma took a sleepy Samuel from my arms and Ethan led me to the center of the spotlight. After a bow of thanks to Mr. Perry, Ethan held out his strong arms. I went to him with no hesitation because I was home. Home was where the heart was and he had mine forever.

  “I need one more thing,” Steve Perry said with a huge sigh. “I may live to regret this one, but I need a piano player for this particular piece. Many of you will be surprised by this man’s virtuoso talent—on the piano. Don’t ever ask him to sing. That’s a whole different ball of wax… Lucifer would you do us the honor of playing for me tonight?”

  The girly squeal that came from the crowd made me laugh. Satan ran to the stage like his pants were on fire up before Steve Perry could change his mind. He went to hug the living shit out of his idol, but Steve held up the restraining order and Satan backed off.

  Satan snapped his fingers and a gorgeous Baby Grand appeared. He seated himself and ran his fingers over the pearly whites like a freakin’ concert pianist.

  “Did you know he could play?” Ethan whispered as we watched open mouthed.

  “Nope. No clue.”

  But my uncle was the Devil. I was certain he had many talents we didn’t know about. Singing wasn’t one of them, but the piano clearly was. Steve Perry said something quietly to Satan and Satan bit down on his lips in excitement. The most evil man in the Universe was as giddy as a child on Christmas morning. Lots of dreams were coming true tonight.

  Then magic happened.

  The quiet melody, played to perfection by the Prince of Darkness, began. The hauntingly beautiful opening notes of Open Arms drifted through the ballroom and a collective sigh was expelled by those who could breathe.

  “May I have this dance, my bride?” Ethan asked with a smile that melted my undead heart and set my girlie parts into overdrive.

  “Why yes, my husband. I believe you can,” I replied.

  Steve Perry sang and Satan played. I was in the arms of the man who I would happily spend eternity with and the world spun perfectly on its axis. The dance seemed to last only seconds, but I’d be dancing with the man in my arms for many life times to come. Samuel joined us as Steve Perry went into a medley of his greatest hits and all our friends and family hit the dance floor.

  Everyone danced—even Jeff. I boogied with Charles and the Baby Demons and congratulated them on a job well done. Grandpa and I had our “Father-Daughter” dance and I did the Bunny Hop with Samuel until I thought my feet would fall off. Ethan was a good sport and cut the rug with Mother Nature. I even saw Venus and Gareth dancing. Interesting.

  The Kev kept changing his façade until he settled on Donny Osmond—everyone recognized Donny Osmond. And he even thought to conjure up some purple socks. God and Jesus only stayed for a short time, but gave me a whispered message from my Nana—she approved and wished me many blessings on my special day. She told them to tell me she loved me and would see me soon. The message made me cry and Ethan held me in his arms while I blubbered in happiness.

  Satan played the piano the entire evening, much to the delight of all. And I even got to smoosh some cake in Ethan’s face. Of course he smooshed some back, but it was a wedding and that’s what you do.

  I returned the ink pen and the dagger to my bridesmaids and Pam did a little hocus pocus so my ring wouldn’t be glued to my hand for eternity—not that I was going to take it off, but the glue was getting itchy. Samuel grew tired so Pam and The King took him to bed. After many hours the reception was winding down and my friends were all leaving.

  “Can we go yet?” Ethan asked impatiently.

  “Why? Is there someplace you need to be?” I asked feigning a yawn and confusion.

  “Yes,” he hissed and pointed to the tent in his pants. “My porksword is demanding conjugal rites with his wife.”

  “I think I can fit that in—pun intended,” I teased as I grabbed his hand and led him out of the room. “Did you have somewhere specific in mind?”

  “The hallway would work, but it might make a few people uncomfortable,” he said with a sexy smirk.

  “Satan did provide a honeymoon suite. Could I interest you in that?” I asked. I felt my eyes go green with desire.

  “Is it soundproofed?” he asked.

  “I think so.”

  “Good. Because we’re going to make some noise tonight.”

  “That’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever said.”
>
  “I’ve got more,” he said, picking me up and kissing me silly.

  “I can’t wait to hear it,” I said as I wrapped my legs around him and nipped at his lips. “Take me to the suite.”

  “Thought you’d never ask.”

  Chapter 25

  “This might sound crazy, but I think married sex is even better.” I traced the light sprinkling of blond hair on Ethan’s chest and snuggled closer.

  “That was pretty damned good,” he agreed smugly with a very satisfied grin. “But I do believe we should test it out a few more times to make sure.”

  “Six times wasn’t enough?” I giggled and quickly straddled him.

  All he had to do was look at me and I was ready. Making love with my husband was spiritually, physically and mind blowingly awesome. Never would I get enough of my man.

  “Six hundred times wouldn’t be enough,” he said as his eyes hooded and his fangs dropped.

  “That would kill us,” I pointed out as my own fangs descended.

  “Not a problem. Already dead.”

  “You think you’re so smart,” I said with a laugh, leaning down and getting in his face.

  “Nope,” he disagreed, flipping us and pinning me beneath him. “I think I’m that good.”

  “Prove it,” I challenged.

  “With pleasure,” he shot back.

  We were skin-to-skin and his familiar body felt somehow new to me. I knew we hadn’t changed, but maybe we had—we were more.

  Maybe sharing our love and joy wasn’t just a stupid human ritual—maybe it meant something far more important.

  His carnal smirk sent zings of delight through my body and I arched into him wanting to be even closer.

  Was it possible to love someone this much? Was it healthy? Did I care?

  Ethan watched the emotions flit across my face and smiled with amusement.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked, looking down at me with an expression full of adoration and lust.

  “I’ve never felt so beautiful or wanted,” I whispered.

  “You are both,” he said as his lips met mine and our tongues tangled in a rhythm that was age old—and very, very hot.

  His lips and fangs feathered over my skin, making my body feel like molten lava. Wave after wave of desire and need washed through me as his body ground into mine.

  “Need you,” I cried out hoarsely. “Need you now.”

  “Not sure you’re ready yet,” he growled as his mouth closed over my nipple and I arched up and screamed.

  “I’m ready,” I panted. “I’m sosososososo ready.”

  “Let me check,” he teased. He slid his hand down my body and settled between my legs.

  “Oh my God,” I moaned as he found the spot and pressed. Stars blasted across my vision and I was certain I was speaking in tongues.

  “More,” I begged as my body convulsed in orgasm. “Please.”

  He went from teasing to serious in a short second. His hands and mouth memorized my body in the most sensual way. I writhed against him and parted my legs, silently begging for what I wanted. Speech eluded me as moan after moan left my lips. Fangs clashed and our kisses became more violent with need.

  “Need. You,” I ground out. My hands pressed against his back willing him to take me to heights only he could.

  “Your wish is my command.”

  He entered me in one swift thrust and we both cried out in carnal satisfaction. My umpteenth orgasm came on quickly and my body locked around his like a vise. Ethan’s movement became frantic as I rode out the aftershocks and pulled on his hair until his lips met mine.

  “I love you,” he hissed against my mouth as he increased the speed of our love making, throwing me into another orgasm so intense I was sure the entire Dark Palace could hear my screams.

  I didn’t care. Nothing mattered but him and me and the perfect joining of our bodies.

  “I love you more,” I whispered, keeping full eye contact as his own orgasm consumed him.

  It was so freakin’ sexy my body joined him. Sinking my fangs into the smooth skin of his neck sent him over the edge again and he returned the favor like a true gentleman. I wasn’t sure he was correct about us living through this kind of pleasure, but it was a fine way to go if one had to leave this world.

  We laid in quiet sexual stupor for a few minutes. Coherent speech was impossible for both of us. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. Contentment like I’d never known washed over me and I giggled.

  “I thought you were asleep,” Ethan said as he pulled me even closer.

  “Nope. Just wondering if we were still alive after that one.”

  “Not real sure,” he replied with a chuckle. “But if we are, I think we should do it again.”

  I took in what he said with a surprised laugh. Running my hands over his body, I discovered his happy camper was indeed ready to go again. Unbelievable.

  “You’re serious?”

  “Yep. I’m very serious.”

  I squealed with delight as his strong arms pulled me on top of him.

  “It’s your turn to take the reins, Cowgirl. Can you do that?” he asked with a lopsided grin that I would swear made my dead heart beat like a jackhammer.

  “I do believe I can handle that, Tex,” I purred, tipping my imaginary cowgirl hat.

  And I did.

  Six more times.

  Our wedding day would go down in history for many reasons—Satan’s piano playing, Mother Nature’s pole debacle, Martha and Jane’s butchering of a classic, God and Jesus in Hell, my zombie episode…

  But the one I would remember the most was the wild, loving, sexy, beautiful, mind-boggling, perfect time I was having in this very moment.

  ## The End. For Now… ##

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  Note From the Author

  If you enjoyed this ebook, please consider leaving a positive review or rating on the site where you purchased it.

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  ~ Robyn Peterman

  KEEP READING in this ebook to see an excerpt

  from NEARLY DEPARTED IN DEADWOOD by author Ann Charles.

  After that, KEEP READING to see first book excerpts from Robyn’s other series:

  Ready To Wear

  (Book 1, Shift Happens Series)

  Switching Hour

  (Book 1, Magic and Mayhem Series)

  Excerpt: Nearly Departed In Deadwood

  The first time I came to Deadwood, I got shot in the ass. Now, twenty-five years later, as I stared into the double barrels of Old Man Harvey’s shotgun, irony was having a fiesta and I was the piñata.

  I tried to produce a polite smile, but my cheeks had petrified along with my heart. “You wouldn’t shoot a girl, would you?”

  Old Man Harvey snorted, his whole face contorting with the effort. “Lady, I’d blow the damned Easter bunny’s head off if he was tryin’ to take what’s mine.”

  He cocked his shotgun—his version of an exclamation mark.

  “Whoa!” I would have gulped had there been any spit left in my mouth. “I’m not here to take anything.”

  He replied by aiming those two barrels at my chest instead of my face.

  “I’m with Calamity Jane Realty, I swear! I came to …”

  With Harvey threatening to fill my lungs with peepholes, I had trouble remembering why I’d driven out to this corner of the boonies. Oh, yeah. Lowering one of my hands, I held out my crushed business card. “I want to help you sell your ranch.”

  The double barrels clinked against one of the buttons on my Rebecca Taylor-knockoff jacket as Harvey grabbed my card. I
swallowed a squawk of panic and willed the soles of my boots to unglue from the floorboards of Harvey’s front porch and retreat. Unfortunately, my brain’s direct line to my feet was experiencing technical difficulties.

  Harvey’s squint relaxed. “Violet Parker, huh?”

  “That’s me.” My voice sounded pip-squeaky in my own ears. I couldn’t help it. Guns made my thighs wobbly and my bladder heavy. Had I not made a pit stop at Girdy’s Grill for a buffalo burger and paid a visit to the little Hens room, I’d have a puddle in the bottom of my favorite cowboy boots by now.