Stein made a dark sound in the back of his throat. “Don’t care much where we go, as long as it’s far, far away from that backwater planet.”
So, whatever had gotten under Stein’s skin happened on Earth. “Anything you want to discuss with me in private?”
Stein stared at the numbers on the screen, his ears going as red as his hair. “Nope.”
If he didn’t want to talk, Roar couldn’t force him. “Fine. I’ll come relieve you in five hours.”
“Heading down to see Leda?” Oline said.
Embarrassment burned his cheeks. “Maybe.”
She smiled. “Go relax. See your girl.”
His girl. Much as he liked the sound of that, he knew it couldn’t happen. How many times had he heard the Elders say the Jäger and Erlosser must never become too close? Thousands. Exactly why, they never said, but he imagined it had something to do with what they were, and their duty to Aurelis.
So maybe they didn’t get forever. Who said they couldn’t enjoy the now?
Roar aimed a questioning look at Petrus, but he shook his head, a frown turning his mouth down.
No more stalling. Roar walked off the bridge and down the long corridor that ran along Equinox’s spine. His cabin was on the next level down, but the galley was a short trek from the bridge, and he stopped there first, stuffing a couple things in a bag left on the counter to take to Leda. Even if she didn’t want to eat, she needed to keep her strength up.
Roar headed to his cabin next and stripped out of his clothes. Earth clothes. He’d gotten so used to wearing them over the last couple weeks that he’d just continued to wear them up here. He wasn’t even sure why he’d brought them up here, but he had. Maybe because clothes on Aurelis were functional instead of aesthetically pleasing.
He showered in the small stall—no water, like on Earth, just a blast of super-ionized air that blew away grime in a matter of seconds—and dressed in a clean pair of shorts and his favorite T-shirt. Then he padded to Leda’s cabin, prepared for an earful. She could try to push him away, but he wasn’t going to let her. If they didn’t work out and ended up as friends, then so be it, but they were in the same boat now. And more importantly, she was one of them.
Blind her with charm, Oline had said. Since Roar wasn’t exactly the charming type—with words, anyway—he settled on the next best thing. He grabbed his comm and asked Arne to check in.
Arne stepped out of Leda’s cabin to use his comm and bumped into Roar. “Oh, you’re here. I was about to call you, actually, but I couldn’t figure out the lights in there.”
“Voice activated,” Roar said. “I can relieve you now, if you want to get something to eat or check on Rika.” He hid a smirk, remembering the way Arne had put his arm around Rika’s shoulder in the lab, and the way Arne’s face turned pink in embarrassment when he mentioned her.
“I think she’s asleep. Roar, I…” Arne began, then stopped himself. “Be careful. Remember you have a greater purpose.”
Roar barely suppressed a growl. “I don’t need anyone to remind me of that.”
“I know, it’s just… Leda’s in a very vulnerable position.”
What was Arne worried about? That he’d take advantage of Leda? No one would hurt her on his watch, least of all himself.
“I’m the last person who would hurt her.”
“I know that,” Arne said. “But she has a purpose. And so do you. Don’t forget that.”
After a moment, Roar said, “I understand.”
“Good. Let me know if you need—”
“I will.”
But he knew he wouldn’t need Arne.
Damn my purpose. She needs me.
When Roar stood alone in the dim hallway, he took a deep breath and entered a code in the panel next to the door—overriding any locks she might have figured out—and the door opened, admitting him to Leda’s dark cabin.
Chapter Fifteen
Leda was drowning in her own conflicting emotions. Marinating in misery. How could she hate the woman who gave her life? How could she miss her at the same time? She did hate her mom, for everything she’d never been, and the way she’d treated Leda’s dad.
Dad had been clever and witty and passionate, and despite Mom’s constant, unwavering indifference, he loved her with every cell in his body. Right up to the end, when her mom wouldn’t even come to the hospital and visit her dad, he told Leda not to be hard on her after he was gone.
And how had she broken through Equinox’s codes with the intent of blasting the other ship from existence, knowing her mom was on board? Must be more of Dad’s training. She wished he’d explained more about their kind. More about what she was, and how she functioned as this magical, mystical weapon. Like, seriously! Her. The savior of an entire race. Laughter mixed with grief and the effect filled her stomach with bubbles. At least some of Dad’s cryptic messages made a little sense now.
The door whooshed open. Leda didn’t need to roll over to know Roar stood in the entryway waiting for a signal. Well, he wasn’t going to get an invite from her. She didn’t know why he’d come. After Arne left, thinking she was asleep, she both expected and dreaded seeing Roar at the same time.
Soft footfalls padded across the carpet, coming closer. Then the covers pulled as he sat on her bed. She felt his weight beside her, spreading out. Roar pressed his body as close as humanly possible—or alienly, she supposed, since neither of them were human—and wrapped her up in his arms, her head resting on his bicep, his breath warm in her hair.
Leda stiffened. “What…what are you doing?”
“What does it look like?”
Even after what she’d done, he still wanted to be near her? “You’re in my bed.”
“I am, aren’t I?”
She struggled—he tightened his hold. Leda huffed. “Why?”
“Why what?”
She spoke through gritted teeth. “Why—are—you—in—my—bed?”
“Leda, you can pretend with everyone else that you’re this rock that can’t be hurt, but I know better.”
She pinched her eyes shut, calling him all kinds of crazy in her head. “Can we have one conversation where you don’t confuse me in circles?”
“Okay. What do you want to talk about? I’ll be here all night, so even if you don’t want to talk, we can just lie here.”
“Are you serious right now?” She scooted onto her back, and he let her. “I just blew up a ship with my mom on board, and you’re talking about a sleepover?”
Even in the dark, she saw him shrug. “If you think I’m upset about that, you’re wrong. Actually, I’m upset for you, if that makes sense. You did what I was going to do, but with a lot less hesitation.”
She stared into his eyes, bright and liquid, searching for cracks in what he said, and saw none. “Really? You were going to…?” She swallowed.
“Yeah. Ask the others, if you don’t believe me. Don’t think for a second that I don’t know the weight of what you just did.”
He tucked her cheek against his chest, his breathing slow and steady. And soon, like magic, her breathing began to match his.
“She was my mom,” Leda murmured. “And I just killed her.”
“She was going to kill us. She was going to kill everyone.”
“But she was all I had left.” She didn’t want them to, but the tears came, a wetness that seeped into his shoulder. She was just glad he couldn’t see her. “I don’t have anyone now.”
“No.” He wrapped her tighter. “You have me.”
When Leda woke, Roar was stretched out beside her, his hair mussed with sleep and creases on his cheek. This was bad. But maybe, for now, that was okay. Whenever she was with him, she forgot about her crutches and the alien stuff, her head fogged up with sensations and her body melted.
She was about to wake him when a knock sounded on her door. Roar jerked bolt upright.
“Leda?” came Arne’s voice.
She pushed to the edge of the bed to grab a sweater
from the bedside table and run a brush through her hair. She might not have any parents, but Leda wasn’t ready to let her uncle think she’d spent the night with a guy. Even if he was adorable and sweet and funny. And super hot.
She opened the com to the outside long enough to say, “Just a second!” She turned to Roar. “What do we do?”
“I don’t think we have a choice.”
“You’re sure you can’t sneak out through some secret ventilation system in the ceiling?”
“Sure, if you can shrink me down to a foot in size.”
“This is not the time for jokes!”
Roar stood up and made the bed with military precision, reminding Leda of how little she knew him. What had he done before he came to Earth? What were his parents like?
The knock came again.
No choice now.
“Door, open,” she said, feeling like she’d stepped onto the set of her dad’s favorite science fiction show.
Uncle Arne breezed inside with Rika behind him, both carrying notebooks and equipment. Arne stopped when he saw Roar.
“What are…did you…?” He glanced back and forth between them. “Never mind. Leda, this is important.”
He and Rika set up their equipment at the small table near the front of the room.
Leda stepped between them. “What on earth are you doing?”
Rika said, “It’s about your test results.”
Curious—and a little anxious—Leda grabbed her crutches and walked over to the nearest chair. Roar followed, sitting right beside her so his thigh pressed against hers. When she rested her crutches in the corner behind her, Roar took her hand and pressed it between both of his.
“Okay, now you’re making me nervous,” she said, pushing out laughter she didn’t feel.
“Just trying to be supportive.”
Arne dropped into a chair and held his chin. “You’re going to need it, Leda.”
Leda straightened her spine to cover the sinking feeling. “What’s wrong now?”
“Let me get set up,” Rika said, “then I’ll explain everything.”
It felt like she sat there watching Rika flip through her notebook and fiddle with a slim white device for a lifetime. Finally, Rika took a seat between Uncle Arne and Leda. She swallowed, and Leda saw her throat muscles tighten. Then she spoke.
“The other day, after your surgery to remove the bullet, I was looking over the ash that was left over from your blood, Leda. I compared it to Roar’s and saw a significant difference between the two.” She showed Leda a sketch in her notebook. “At first I thought it might have to do with different environments, since he was raised on Aurelis and you, on Earth. But the structure was too complex, so I came up to Equinox and Roar let me use the lab to run some tests.”
A chill spread from Leda’s spine upward. “And? What did you find out?”
“Well, from your blood, I was able to make a map of your body.” Rika held up the tablet displaying bones and veins and muscles. She spun the image around and Leda saw something on the spine, near the tailbone.
“Is that me?”
“It is. And this thing here”—Rika pointed to the growth on the spine—“is what I need to get a closer look at.”
Roar leaned closer to the screen. “What is that?”
“I’m not a hundred percent sure, to be honest. That’s what all this is for.” Rika swept an arm around the room, indicating the equipment she brought down with her.
Arne placed his hands flat on the table. “Leda, Roar tells me that on Aurelis, you’re already of legal age and can make decisions for yourself. If you need someone to talk them over with, you can talk to me, or Grams. Okay?”
“Well, there isn’t really anything to talk over yet, is there?” Leda picked up the tablet, her eyes locked on the digital rendering of the supposed growth on her spine. “What do you need to do, Rika?”
The doctor jumped up from her seat and walked to the dresser where she’d placed a long, slender device with two handles, one at each end, like a plank of wood about half the length of an adult female’s arm. “This is a handheld scanner. I can use it to scan your spine and see exactly what we’re looking at.”
Leda stood and reached for her crutches. “Then what are we waiting for?”
Rika’s smile was warm but didn’t reach her eyes. She instructed Leda to lie on her bed face-down. Then she lifted the hem of Leda’s shirt up, exposing the long scar from Leda’s tethered spine surgery. She heard Roar’s sharp breath but ignored his reaction, focusing instead on the barely-there sensation of fingertips pressing on her skin low on her back.
Suddenly, a hot, sharp pain spread up her spine and into her head. White spots flashed before her eyes and her back arched, an electric spasm. She gasped for air but couldn’t get any past the tightness in her throat.
Roar shouted, “Stop! Whatever you’re doing, it’s hurting her.”
Rika lifted her hand and the pain was gone instantly. Leda curled on her side, sucking in breaths like a greedy newborn. Something rippled under her skin, she felt her shirt moving on her back, but the others were all standing in front of her.
“I’m sorry, Leda.” Rika frowned. “Arne and Roar, how steady are your hands?”
“Pretty steady,” Roar said.
“Same,” answered Uncle Arne, staring at Leda in concern. “What happened?”
“That’s what I need to find out,” Rika said. “Can you two hold this, standing on either side of Leda, and move it slowly from her neck down to her thighs? I’d like to watch the scan come in live. Leda, can you manage to lie on your tummy again?”
“I think so.” Slowly, she uncurled and turned onto her stomach.
“You good?”
Leda nodded.
“Okay,” Rika said, “let’s begin.”
Leda shut her eyes, since she couldn’t see anything anyway, and waited, feeling the whisper of air on her skin, listening to the sounds of footsteps on the carpet and the hum of the scanner. She lay still for a long, boring while, until she felt calm enough to sleep, if not for the swishing of fabric and Rika’s constant tongue clicks and her pulse rushing in her ears.
“Hmm…” That was Rika.
“What is it?” Roar said.
A pause.
“Hold the scanner here.” Rika again.
Another pause, and Leda opened her eyes, seeing Uncle Arne’s knees by her face.
“I think I have what I need.” Rika pulled Leda’s top down. “Do you need a hand to sit up?”
Leda pushed herself up on her own and swung her legs over the side of the bed. “I’m fine. Just tell me what you found.”
Rika chewed her bottom lip. “It’s worse than I thought, and according to this, I can’t remove the growth without killing you.”
Leda hissed a breath, feeling her heart drop to the floor.
“Do you have to remove it?” Roar asked. “Whatever it is?”
“If you want Leda to function as the weapon, then yes.”
“What do you mean?” Roar’s words were clipped.
Rika swallowed, and Leda could have sworn she was planning on sugarcoating her response, but then she said, “Well, it’s still hypothetical at this stage, and I don’t know much about how Leda will work as a weapon. But in my medical opinion, I believe we’re looking at a biological entity that, in its current position, is probably stalling Leda’s brain functions. And I’m guessing without those functions, she’s no use to you as this ‘weapon’ I keep hearing about.”
Leda shut her eyes, soaking up Rika’s words. When she opened them again, the three others were staring at her. She squared her shoulders. “How did it even get there?”
“I don’t even know what it is. At a guess, someone infiltrated the lab when you were being…” She didn’t have to say created, and Leda was glad Rika didn’t speak the word. “And while they couldn’t stop you from being born, they could, in a sense, sabotage you.”
“Someone?” Roar said. “You mean an
Aurelite?”
Rika shook her head. “I don’t even want to think about that. As impossible as it seems, maybe a Woede. It wouldn’t be the first time they tried to infiltrate our society and destroy us from within.”
Leda absorbed that. “Does this growth have anything to do with—with my spina bifida?”
Rika’s eyes softened. “No, sweetie, it doesn’t. Unfortunately, even if we remove it, that won’t change your L5 lesion.”
She figured as much, but it didn’t hurt to ask. Still, a part of her felt depressed by the news that, no matter what this thing inside her was, she still had spina bifida. “So, what do we do from here?”
“I think the best course of action is surgery.”
“No.” Roar’s eyes were thunderclouds, and bright forks of lightning flashed in his pupils.
Ignoring him, Leda faced Rika. “You said you can’t remove it without killing me. So how is surgery the best option?”
“To do the surgery, I’ll have to stop your heart. You’ll be packed in ice, lying on your stomach, with your entire back opened up. The growth spans from your tailbone to your brain stem, and it’s alive. If it senses we’re trying to remove it while your heart is still beating, I’m fairly certain that it’ll kill you.”
An icy ball of dread settled in Leda’s stomach. Something like the feeling of a person walking over her grave made her skin itch. Roar came closer and sat down next to her, his hand brushing hers. A rush of heat enveloped Leda, though it didn’t melt the fear in her belly.
Arne shoved his fingers through his beard. “Won’t it sense brain activity?”
“Well, I need to run a few simulations to be sure.”
Roar got up and stood between them. “Don’t I get a say in this?”
“No,” Leda said, giving him a withering look. “It’s my decision. And right now, I need to see Grams.” She still hadn’t spoken to her since the incident on the bridge.
Uncle Arne nodded. “Stay here. I’ll bring her.”
He and Rika gathered the files and equipment they’d carried in. Then they left. Leda stayed where she was, preparing herself for the upcoming chat with Grams.
All the Stars Left Behind Page 14