“Is there something you need?” he asked. “Has someone been bothering you again?”
She wasn’t about to tattle, so she kept what had happened with Torr to herself. “No. I’m fine. Thank you.”
“Then…what can I do for you?”
She pulled in a breath for courage. “I’m leaving. I just came to tell you.”
“Who’s going with you?”
“No one. I need to rebuild my life. Alone.”
Joseph began shaking his head before she’d even finished speaking. “No. We’ve discussed this. I’m sorry, but that’s out of the question. It’s too much of a risk for you to live outside of these walls.”
“It’s not your decision.”
“Is this about Samson? Because if it is, I can make some kind of arrangement.”
An ache radiated out from deep in her heart. Samson was a half-demon baby that Iain had delivered a few weeks ago. The child’s mother had died giving him life, and despite the odds, he’d lived more than just the day or two that most children like him survived.
She’d grown attached to him in a short time, but he’d been taken away to live with foster parents outside the walls of Dabyr. Joseph had claimed that his presence was too much of a risk to the other children here, that there was no way to know if he’d turn evil and attack.
Some of the less human offspring of the Synestryn demons had done just that. She’d seen it happen.
“He’s just a baby,” she told him for what felt like the hundredth time.
“He’s half Synestryn. Until we know what that means, I’m not taking any risks with the people under my care. We’ve been through this, Jackie. I’m not changing my mind.”
She understood. She missed the little guy, but she couldn’t blame Joseph for being careful. There were so many people—so many children—here who depended on him and the decisions he made. Having been in a position of power herself, she understood how difficult that balancing act could be.
“This isn’t about Samson. I need to leave. I’m stronger now. I need to find a life. A real one, not one filled with monsters.”
Joseph seemed to bow under some unseen weight. “You can never go back to the way things were before you were abducted.”
“I can try.”
“All you’ll do is get yourself killed, and I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that. We need you too much.”
Anger spiked through her, making her tone sharp. “You need something from me that I’ll never be willing to give.”
“I think you’re wrong. I think that once you get to know us better, once you’ve healed, you’ll change your mind.”
“I am healed.” It was a lie, but one she would keep on telling until it was the truth. Despite her weakness, despite the nightmares and the scars left behind, she would be fine. Eventually.
He lifted a skeptical brow. “Really? Is that why you’ve been hiding in your suite for weeks?”
“I don’t like the way the men look at me. The way they touch me.”
“There’s only one way to stop that. Pick one.”
“No.”
He let out a long sigh. “If you leave, the Synestryn will come after you. They’ll find you. You’ll be right back in a dark cave somewhere, hoping one of us comes to the rescue. And that’s if they don’t simply kill you outright.”
Bleak, violent memories threatened to steal her breath. Fear crushed her lungs. Her vision dimmed, and she swayed in her seat. All those poor children being hurt. Used. She couldn’t face that anymore. She’d rather die.
It took Jackie a moment to beat those memories back, and the effort left her shaking and weak. She’d come a long way over the past few weeks, but she had a long way to go to get back to the woman she’d once been. If she didn’t stand on her own two feet now, she feared she’d never be herself again—that she’d end up depending on these people for the rest of her pitiful life.
She couldn’t meet Joseph’s eyes. “What choice do I have? I can’t live here. I don’t want to be a part of your world.”
“I’m sorry, but what you want is irrelevant. You are part of our world. You were born into it—you just didn’t know it until now. Whatever natural protection your ignorance afforded you is gone. If you leave the safety of these walls, the Synestryn will come for you.”
Denial rose up in a swift, hot wave. Her words came out through clenched teeth. “I’ll fight them. I won’t let them take me alive.”
“So…what? You’re ready to die?”
“Of course not, I just—”
“You’re just willing to let a good man go to his death because you’re too selfish to do the right thing.” His biting tone took her aback.
“It’s not like that.”
“No?” he asked, rising to his feet. “That’s the way it looks to me. We saved you. We sheltered and fed you. All we ask is that you step up and do what you were born to do.”
“I wasn’t born for…this.” She waved her hand at the weapons and maps.
Joseph shrugged. “You’re making it hard for me to have any sympathy for you. My men are dying. You can save one. I really don’t care whether it’s what you wanted to do with your life.”
“Is it really that simple for you?”
“Yes.”
She let out a frustrated sigh. “You saw what happened when I tried to go out and lend a hand with Paul and Andra. That didn’t exactly go well.”
“You weren’t bonded then. You had no power. And despite that, you found Samson.”
“No, Iain found Samson, or should I say he found a thing he was willing to kill. There’s not a bit of warmth in him anywhere.”
“He’s possibly the best warrior I have. I don’t ask for warm and fuzzy. I ask that he gets the job done.”
Jackie was certain he did that. She’d seen him in action the night he’d pulled her and the others out of those caves. She’d seen the lethal violence that he was capable of. And when he’d stood between her and the monsters, she’d never felt safer.
“You don’t want me to leave. I don’t want to hide in my suite all the time to avoid being pawed by strange men. What am I supposed to do with myself?”
Joseph crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair. “Pick one of the men. Then I’ll let you go out. You can even go see Samson if you like.”
She stared at him for a long, shocked moment. “You’d really play dirty like that?”
“I’m not playing.”
She could see that. His posture was closed, his expression hard, and there wasn’t so much as a hint of a smile anywhere.
“Why are you doing this?” she asked.
“I need you to give the men hope. They’re good men. Whoever you pick would give his life to keep you happy and safe. Hell, even the ones you don’t pick will.”
“It’s not what I want.”
“I thought I’d made it clear that I don’t give a fuck about what you want. We saved your pretty little ass and kept it safe for weeks now. I’d say it’s time to pay up.”
“I didn’t realize my rescue came with strings attached.”
“Damn it!” He scrubbed his hand over his head, mussing his dark hair. When he spoke, he sounded exhausted and used up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it the way it came out. You’re welcome here for as long as you like, no strings attached.”
“But you won’t let me leave.”
“No. You’re too precious to risk. If you want out, you go with a Theronai—one you’ve chosen.”
“I’m not picking.”
“You will. Eventually, you’ll get tired of men fighting over you. I just hope that they don’t kill each other in the process.”
The thought horrified her. “They wouldn’t do that,” she breathed.
He moved around the desk and got too close. She surged to her feet and took a step back, putting the chair between them.
He scowled at her action, but didn’t try to get closer. “You can’t possibly understand what these men ar
e suffering—what they’d do to make the pain stop.”
“Don’t tell me I don’t understand suffering. I spent two years in caves at the mercy of those monsters while they tortured and killed innocents.”
“I’m not trying to diminish what you’ve been through, but at least now your suffering is over. Ours isn’t. You can’t change that for all of us, but you can change that for one man, save one soul. Is that really too much to ask?”
It wasn’t. She knew deep down that her hesitation was more about fear and selfishness than about doing what was right.
“What if you’re wrong? What if I pick the wrong man? How can you ask me to choose whose life to save, knowing that the others may die?”
“You still don’t get it, do you?” he asked. “You may choose only one man, but your decision will give hope to all the others. It will help them hold on longer. Keep fighting. Resist giving in to the pain.”
“How can I give anyone hope when I’m so messed up?”
Joseph shook his head. “I don’t know. All I ask is that you try.”
She’d fail. She wasn’t cut out for this kind of life. She really only had one option.
Jackie sighed in defeat. “If I do as you ask and pick one of the men, will you stand aside and let me leave?”
“I will.”
“Promise me.” She knew their promises were binding, and that once he gave his word, he couldn’t go back on it.
Joseph looked her in the eyes. “I vow that if you choose one of the men to be your partner, I will allow you to leave.”
A heaviness bore down on her and she scrambled to grab the desk before she collapsed.
She could hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll gather the men right now. You won’t regret this, Jackie.”
She already did, and as soon as he figured out what she was up to, so would he.
The moment word got out that Jackie was choosing a man, Dabyr descended into a state of chaos. Men ran through the halls, pushing and shoving to get their spot in line. Iain made sure Cain and the rest of the Band had a front-row seat to the ceremony, hoping Jackie would choose one of them. He found himself a nice, empty spot in back, and settled in to watch the show.
The velvet-draped auditorium was rarely used, but the formal setting was fitting for what was about to take place.
Helen led Jackie onstage and whispered a few quiet words to her sister. Now that they were standing together, Iain could see a resemblance in the women—proof of the Athanasian father they shared.
Whatever Helen had said, it had made Jackie’s face go pale. Her wild, gray eyes roamed over the crowd, and he could see the fine trembling of her hands.
Helen stepped up to the microphone, and flipped her twin braids over her shoulders. “You all know why you’re here, so I’ll be brief. My sister Jackie has agreed to choose one of you. I want you all to remember that she can only pick one, so most of you will be disappointed.” She pointed a finger in stern warning. “Do not let that turn any of you into jerks, or I’ll be forced to take action. I doubt you’ll enjoy the outcome. Understood?”
There was a general rumble of assent among the thirty or forty men present. Iain didn’t recognize all of them—men had been coming from the far corners of the world after hearing rumors of Jackie’s presence.
“She’s going to accept a vow from each of you, and then make her decision. So please file up in an orderly fashion.”
Drake, Helen’s husband, stood guard at the stairs, doing crowd control. His sword was out and visible, as a warning to any who might consider causing trouble.
On the opposite side of the stage stood Andra. Her black leather, combat boots, and readied stance didn’t fool Iain. If the green tint to her skin was any indication, she was nervous about these proceedings. Paul was at her side, his hand low at her back in a protective gesture. Apparently, he was worried about her as much as she was worried about Jackie.
Madoc scowled at the men from his post near the rear doors. Nika stood in front of him, staring off into space, her head cocked to the side as if she were listening to something no one else could hear. A faint smile curled her lips for no obvious reason.
One by one, each warrior filed up to offer Jackie his vow. The first man in line was Nicholas, his horribly scarred face so full of hope that it almost made Iain wince. He was a good man, but he wasn’t exactly the most handsome man around, and Jackie didn’t have a whole lot to go on. Looks would matter, if only in a small way.
The moment Nicholas stepped up, bare chested and smiling, Jackie looked up and flinched. It was a small movement, covered up in milliseconds, but Iain saw it and knew Nicholas was out of the running. Poor bastard.
Still, he knelt, sliced a shallow cut over his heart, and offered her his vow. “My life for yours.”
Jackie’s gray eyes widened as she saw the blood. She swayed on her feet, and Helen put an arm around her shoulders to steady her.
Cain was next, and Iain hoped that the leaf tattoos he’d given the other man—the ones that would help disguise his lifemark’s lack of leaves—were no longer red and swollen, thanks to their natural ability to heal fast.
No one seemed to be looking at Cain’s chest. All eyes were on Jackie. Good.
“Nice ring he’s wearing,” muttered Madoc from behind Iain.
“Leave it alone,” warned Iain. “You owe me that much.”
“Yeah, yeah. My fucking lips are sealed.”
Iain nodded, letting the matter drop.
The line progressed, and with each man who bled for her, she seemed to lose a bit of color. The weight of all those promises seemed to crush her until her breathing was fast and shallow.
Iain made his way to the end of the line, pretending like he wanted this as much as the rest of them. No one knew it was too late to save him, and he had to keep it that way, even if it meant going through this ridiculous charade.
Samuel was in front of him, and he took his turn kneeling at her feet and offering to die for her. The ring portion of his luceria was pristine against the scarred flesh of his left hand. As he neared her, the colors in his ring began to move, swirling with yellows and golds.
Iain’s ring no longer contained any discernible color. It had faded to a pale, snowy white with age. So far he’d found no way of disguising it, but several of the older men’s rings were also washed-out, so he simply pretended that it wasn’t a problem, and everyone else took their cues from him. As long as he kept his monster in check, didn’t try to hide his lifemark, and pretended his honor was still intact, no one would question his soul’s status.
Samuel rose and moved away, his face alight with hope.
Iain could find none. He couldn’t even find the sorrow that his hope had died long ago.
Shrugging away the thought, he stepped up to Jackie. Her eyes were wide, and her pupils had shrunk to reveal paler gray rays among the darker ones. Her hair was shiny and clean, unlike the first time he’d seen her. She’d cut away the dirty, matted clumps, and styled it so that it curled around her jaw. A pale scar bisected her left eyebrow, and he found himself wondering how she’d been injured. Had it been some childhood accident, or had that been done to her during her captivity?
A slow, feral rage expanded beneath his ribs at the thought of her being hurt. The monster inside of him rumbled in warning, rattling the bars of its cage as if testing for weakness. Iain tightened his control on the beast and pushed thoughts of her injury aside before he lost control. With an audience like this, there could be no mistakes.
Instead, he focused on her mouth, which she’d colored the same deep red as her suit. Her lips were full, the bottom one wavering the slightest bit in trepidation.
“What are you staring at?” she asked.
“Nothing. Just committing this moment to memory,” he lied.
Before he could raise any suspicion, he drew his sword, knelt in front of her, and cut himself. “My life for yours, Jackie.”
She stumbled, but Helen held her up. Iain wa
ited until the weight of his vow evaporated before he rose to his feet and left the stage without looking back.
As he made his way to the back of the room, he saw dozens of faces staring up at her. So much hope. He didn’t know why they bothered when they knew that all but one of them were going to be disappointed.
“Take your time,” he heard Helen say to Jackie.
He wanted to slip out, but that was too risky. He’d have to explain why he was willing to walk out on the best chance of living any of them currently had. It was better not to draw attention to himself. Pretend he cared. Pretend he had hope.
“I don’t need any time,” said Jackie. “I just want to get this over with.”
“Okay. I understand. Which man do you choose?” asked Helen.
Iain swore he could hear the men draw in their breaths in anticipation.
He settled in his seat as Jackie’s wavering voice filled the auditorium. “I want Iain.”
Chapter 4
Jackie tried to still the panic rioting inside of her. What the hell was she thinking picking the coldest man of the bunch?
At least she wouldn’t let him down. Everyone else had looked at her with such hope. She knew she’d crush their spirits. But not Iain. He had simply looked at her, accepting of whatever she decided. There was no hidden agenda in his gaze, no dreams for her to destroy. He was the only man here who wasn’t asking something from her that she knew she could never give.
The room fell silent at her announcement, then exploded into shock, anger, and disbelief.
“That’s it,” shouted Helen over the noise. “It’s done. Clear the room.”
Iain hadn’t moved from his seat. He hadn’t so much as flinched. He continued to stare at her with those calm, black eyes that registered no emotion.
Finally, he stood. Her panic deepened. She was crazy to do this. Certifiably insane.
He took a step toward her, and she bolted, like a scared little rabbit. She pushed through the crowd to the nearest door, ignoring the frantic buzzing of her skin as she accidentally touched the men, and ran through the hall to her suite.
Jackie scurried inside, slammed the door, and then leaned against the wood, panting. Her heart was racing so fast, she could barely hear. The wood at her back vibrated with a loud banging.
Dying Wish: A Novel of the Sentinel Wars Page 4