Guilt Ridden

by Marie Johnston

  She couldn’t decide which was worse. Her jealousy at seeing him with another woman, or that he’d made a small scene pursuing her.

  ***

  Travis had to give up ground to Kami’s flight in order to follow her through the throng of people. Her shoulders were rigid and her chin high.

  She pursed her lips like she was contemplating something to say, but settled on, “Fine.” She continued her trek outside.

  He followed her through the bar and out the exit. She didn’t stop.

  “Kami.”

  She looked over her shoulder, surprise etched across her face. “Why’d you follow me?”

  “Because you look like you were upset. And I’ve been waiting to get you to myself all night.”

  “You seemed to be doing well.” He detected anger, but a deeper emotion made him pause. Vulnerability. Surely not his Kami. She was the strongest woman he knew.

  “That girl you saw me with was my cousin Bunny.” He’d been itching to dance with Kami all night, hold her in his arms in front of everyone. His cousins were the only other women he’d dance with, except for his future cousins-in-law, besides Kami.

  Her head tipped back and she sighed. “I’m so fucking stupid,” she muttered.

  “Why?” He waited. Had she been jealous? Jealous meant she cared—he hoped.

  A couple blew out of the bar, the woman giggling into the man’s neck. They looked like they were heading to do what Travis really wanted to do.

  He turned his attention back to Kami. Exhaustion was etched over her face, and the source wasn’t from just physical labor.

  “Come on. Talk to me.”

  “I’m just having trouble with what I’m feeling right now and all I want to do is go home and work it out.”

  “Why not talk to me about it?”

  “Because…” Her gaze tore from his to stare at the lot packed full of cars. “Because talking isn’t what we usually do when we’re together.”

  Where’d that come from? “Isn’t it? I recall you asking me about our crops and what our company planted and why. And then there was the time you demanded I show you the game I designed. I know I love hearing updates about your daughter because your face brightens and you can’t quit smiling when you talk about her. And don’t get me started on sheep, because you and I can go for hours on that subject.”

  “Yeah, but that’s all—”

  “It’s what people talk about when they enjoy each other’s company.”

  She pursed her lips and met his gaze. “Doesn’t it strike you as a little superficial?”

  He planted his hands on his hips. The move might be aggressive, but if he didn’t secure his hands, he’d grab her and kiss her in front of the few people coming and going from the bar. “You don’t think we talk about our thoughts and feelings enough? Fine. Here’s what I felt when I saw you. Desperate. Distraught at the sea of people between us. Usually, I spend most of my day watching the clock because all I want to do is go home and see you. Yeah, I like what we do together. Fuck, yeah. But I like just being with you.”

  She stared at him, her expression a mixture of stunned and…pleased?

  “Now your turn,” he said.

  “What?”

  “I don’t know if you know this, but you don’t talk about yourself much. I can tell you’re holding out on me, and I don’t know if it’s me, or you.”

  “I do not hold back.” She frowned.

  He raised his brows. Yep. It was dawning on her that, no, she didn’t. She scowled.

  He broke into a grin. “Do you have your car?” She nodded. “I rode with Aaron, but they’re all busy. Let’s go somewhere and just talk. About real things.” Her look was skeptical. He raised his hands in innocence. “I promise to do nothing other than give you a chaste good-night kiss.”

  The corner of her mouth hitched up. “I might hate you for your promise at the end of the night.”

  He wouldn’t. It’d be worth it if she started trusting him.

  She led him to her car. He folded himself inside.

  She started the engine. “Why don’t I just give you a ride home and we can have our little talk? I want to get to Mom’s early tomorrow.”

  “What are you working on?”

  “I’m going to get that riding lawn mower running even if it kills me.”

  He wished she hadn’t found that thing; he wanted her day free. “Can you at least roll it out of the barn?”

  “It won’t budge, but I get enough light if I open the doors.”

  “It’s not the light I’m worried about.”

  “It’ll be fine. If Cash hays the pastures, that’ll really help. I’m going to price fences. I think I’ll rent the field, try my hand at sheep, and use the smaller pasture closest to the house for horses like Daddy did.”

  Her intentions were sound. “I know a family of five guys who farm and might like to rent your land.”

  She didn’t look as thrilled as he hoped. “I feel like a charity case for you guys.”

  “Why?” He shook his head. “You misunderstand. Yes, my cousins lent a hand because I asked them to, but you’re our neighbor. Hauling hay from your place is cheaper and easier. Renting those two quarters would also be cheaper and easier. If we could cut a road between my house and yours, it’d be cake.” Taking the tractor and combine the long way was still a better option if they couldn’t outright buy the space. “And we aren’t our parents,” he said quietly.

  She cast him a sidelong look before bringing her attention back to the road.

  He rallied himself for what he really wanted to ask. The question that had flagged him for over a decade.

  “Why’d you sleep with me and then never talk to me again that summer?”

  There. That was no superficial question.

  “Wow. You’re going right there. I guess I asked for it.” She sure did. “I really liked you and everything that happened that night. But I told Austin I was meeting with you later when he asked me out and he pointed out that you and I didn’t have anything in common.”

  “We have a shit-ton in common, and that’s a technical term.”

  “Other than growing up around each other? You played football, I cheered for football. We rode horses. That’s about it. School wasn’t hard for you. When I heard you talking with your friends, it wasn’t about fantasy football or the best cleats for the game. You guys argued about GMOs and whether organic farming really could be organic and on what scale would it be sustainable.”

  “And? You were obviously listening in. I doubt it was because it bored you.”

  A pinch formed between her brows. He watched her emotions play across her face. She hadn’t connected the two. She hadn’t paid attention just to prove that she wasn’t good enough for him.

  “I had nothing going for me. I barely graduated. I wasn’t going to college.”

  “But you graduated. And you could go to college. I refuse to believe any excuse you give. The girl who barrel raced and did flips in the air could do anything she put her mind to.”

  She threw a hand up, keeping her other on the wheel. “Don’t you see? It’s all physical. I never said I wasn’t a hard worker.”

  “Why’d you marry Ben?” Her mouth dropped open. Hell, he’d surprised himself with the question. “You don’t do anything without reason. You never have. I know it wasn’t because of Kambria.”

  “Ben treated everyone the same, with respect and compassion. All he wanted out of life was to live and work and spend time with the people he loved.” A tear rolled down her cheek. He brushed it away. He thought she’d quit, but she kept going. “I haven’t told anyone, but I tried to take online classes. I failed. He didn’t ridicule me, though.” She sniffed. “Austin would’ve. Mom would’ve said ‘I told you so’ without really saying the words. So I didn’t go to college? He didn’t care. Was I happy? That was all he cared about. If he worked at the same job for forty years and we never moved from Normandy, he wouldn’t have cared. I liked that about him.
We were happy being mediocre.”

  Tears rolled too fast for him to keep up. “That sounds way more than mediocre, Kami.”

  She rubbed her face. “You’re right. It was.”

  When she said that, he and Ben were the same guy. His parents had a hard time understanding why he wanted to come back and farm. He’d pursued an agriculture degree in hopes they’d realized his passion was the land. The science behind farming, the giant game of chance every farmer took each year.

  “I was born in my house. Did you know that?”

  She sniffled again and shook her head. She turned down the road that led to his place.

  He nodded. “Mom didn’t think it’d go so fast. No one did. So she thought she’d play it cool, not be the first-time mom who panics over all the details. But she waited too long. They called the ambulance, but Dad delivered me. My bedroom now is the same one I was born in.”

  “That’s really cool.” Said like she didn’t know why he was telling her after she spilled her heart about her husband.

  “Yeah. I’m tied to the place. Moore is my home. If I never move, I’m okay.” He almost said he hadn’t wanted to go to school. It was expected of him. But he couldn’t bring himself to. He trusted Kami, but if he let the floodgates down and mentioned it around his parents, they’d be so disappointed. All the couples in their fifty-five-plus housing knew about his degrees. They all played his game. His parents gave him regular updates.

  “What are you trying to say?”

  “I’m just a guy, Kami.”

  “You’re not like other guys. You can’t see it, and that speaks a lot about your character. Your family is not like other families.”

  He was losing ground. “We have our problems.”

  She pulled in to his yard and parked in her normal spot. “Does the whole town know about them?”

  He was about to say “probably” but he paused. Dillon’s drinking problem had been deeply personal and he’d hidden it well. Brock had finally told the rest of them about his autism diagnosis, but they were all highly protective of him, and if he didn’t tell anyone else, neither would they. Cash was the exception. It was common knowledge that he’d been a playboy and the older generation remembered that he wasn’t his mom’s biological child, but the product of an affair. Aaron’s parents had moved back in with him in a case of reverse empty nest, but that was hardly the talk of the town.

  Kami’s dad, on the other hand… He’d blustered through town, leaving a wake of whispered conversations. Inept. Moronic. That poor wife of his. The only time he’d heard anything other than derision aimed at Pam English. Travis remembered the day clearly when Earl English passed away and left Pam a single mom. Mom and Dad had whispered their own conversations and speculations about why and what would happen to his wife and daughter.

  Yet, no one reached out to help them. He’d asked his parents one day if they were going to. His dad had shrugged and said maybe. That was as far as it went. To be fair, Pam would’ve bitten a few fingers off. She wasn’t as tyrannical as Earl, but just as atrocious at asking for help.

  “Okay, I’ll give you that one,” he said.

  She broke into a smile. “This talking feelings kind of sucks.”

  “I disagree. I’ve learned a lot. Now, my next question is where do we go from here?”

  “Well, you ditched Bunny to chase after me, so I don’t know how much longer we can keep it between us.”

  “Between us and all my cousins.” When her eyes widened, he chuckled. “It’s the curse of growing up so close. They can read me well.”

  She traced the steering wheel and looked out the windshield. The car was running, the AC at a comfortable level. They could talk all night. “I guess I can RSVP as your plus one to Dillon’s wedding.”

  Best news ever. “Great. And before then?”

  “This week will be the same as last week.” She glanced at him through her lashes. His blood heated and pooled south. No touching. No touching. He would not go back on his word. “Then Kambria’s back home this weekend. Then another week,” another hesitant smile, “and the wedding. Unless you want to debut earlier.”

  “I want you to myself,” he growled.

  “Then we’re agreed.” She nodded once and stared back out the window.

  “What’s going on in that dynamic little head of yours?”

  Her mouth quirked, but she didn’t answer right away. Was he going to get a response? The longer she waited, the less sure he was. Finally, she spoke. “It’s after the wedding I’m worried about.”

  He didn’t speak. She was smart enough to know that he’d want an explanation.

  “We’re not our parents, but we still have to face our parents. I don’t think my mom has anything more than general animosity toward you, but you’ve been so generous with your time.” She shot him a wry grin. “And, of course, Kambria has filled her in on how great you are.”

  An unexpected boon of giving lessons. “I’m an adult, and I want to date you. I’ve wanted to date you for years. Mom and Dad will just have to deal.”

  She gave him a questioning look. “You’ve said that before. But there’s over eleven years and an entire relationship in there for you.”

  His humor died, and he thought quickly. “I’m not talking about those years. When you ran into me at the bar that night, it was like no time had passed. I’ve had a terrible crush on you since I first saw you, Kami Lee Preston.”

  How could he show her that this was as real as it gets? That his infatuation with her preceded him and Michelle, her and Ben—her and anyone. It was always her. He’d wanted to live in his house, farm his land, and marry his woman. For years, all he’d had was his house. The years he tolerated school were bearable because he knew he was going back home. All those extra years for graduate school was all in the name of the farm, so they could pass strong and healthy land down to their children. Michelle had been his woman, but she hadn’t. She’d wanted nothing to do with Moore or his farm. If it wasn’t cutting edge ag research, her interest plummeted.

  He couldn’t touch Kami and communicate with his body that she was all he’d ever wanted. He couldn’t tell her that he was about to dump his fiancée as she was breathing her last breath. How could he show Kami how much she meant to him?

  A memory rippled to the surface. “Remember the first day of kindergarten when we got on the bus?”

  She thought for a moment. “You and your cousins were the last ones picked up and there were no seats left?”

  He nodded. “The middle schoolers were taking up all the room. Dillon and Cash found a seat, I gave Brock the spot by Aaron, and I was left in the middle of the aisle holding up the bus. Then you yelled ‘Move your butts. Can’t you see the guy needs a seat?’”

  She gasped, covering her mouth. “I totally remember that. I was such a mouthy kid.”

  “You made quite an impression on me. I was dismayed to find out your dad was ‘that neighbor,’ but you captured my complete attention that day.”

  “My dad…” Her smile fell. “It’s no mystery who I emulated.”

  Travis snorted, and she looked offended for a heartbeat until he clarified. “You don’t think your mom had anything to do with that?”

  Understanding lightened her gaze. “Yes, but not then, not around Dad.”

  “Serious?”

  Dipping her head, she had an almost apologetic look. “She didn’t talk back to Dad. I dunno. He was so much older than her, and I think she saw him as an authority figure. I know I did.”

  “You miss him, too?”

  “Of course, but not like Ben. Dad wasn’t healthy. You only had to spend five minutes with him to know his blood pressure was hammering at his heart. He ate antacids like breath mints.” Her expression turned melancholy. “His death was easier to accept.”

  Much of their night was spent discussing death. He might as well push his point about her insecurities. “Michelle’s death is hard to accept. She was, essentially, one of my best friends. Bu
t I’ve been surrounded by family ever since and it’s made it easier to accept.”

  That was the best he could explain it without confessing the twist that made the situation even more tragic than it was.

  “I’m sorry I stood you up that night, when we were supposed to meet for a movie. I almost ignored Austin, but I had gymnastics practice and the girls, you know”—she sighed—“asked about you. I could hear it in their voices. The disbelief.”

  “Give me a chance. I don’t care about proving anyone wrong, I want to prove myself right.”

  Their gazes met and held, his breath suspended. She grasped his hand and gave it a squeeze. “I want you to, too. I guess this is it until Monday night. Homemade pizza night?”

  “You know I eat whatever you make.” He leaned in close, his breath tickling her ear. “And I have some ideas that involve you and the back-porch swing.”

  Her inhale was audible, and he grinned. An hour ago, he feared the worst. But here he was with his house, his farm, and his woman.

  Chapter Eleven

  Travis wrapped up chores with his cousins. All five of them had pitched in to help Cash get the cows fed. The wedding was slated for early afternoon and they all needed to shower and don their church clothes. Aaron and Brock had taken off already, but Travis hung back. His parents would probably be at the house by the time he got back, maybe even his brother and sister.

  His whole family would be together. Shouldn’t he be excited? The last time both his siblings had come home was for Michelle’s funeral.

  “Ready, man?” Cash had his arms propped on the side of the pickup. Abbi was inside, and Cash’s furtive glances to the house made Travis think he wanted to join her in the shower.

  Dillon adjusted his hat and stared across the yard, his expression contemplative. “More than ready. I knew Elle was it when I first saw her.” He switched his gaze to Travis. “You’re ready for your big date?”

  Travis ducked his head. “Will it be a conflict that our big reveal is at the church?”

  Dillon’s serious expression didn’t change. “If anyone gives you a hard time about it, have them talk to me.”