Guilt Ridden

by Marie Johnston

  There was no reservation in his expression. “I think it won’t be long before they know how wonderful you are. I think you impressed them with how you handled yourself. I think you would’ve impressed them more if you told Dad about the sheep.”

  “Really?” The thought had crossed her mind, followed by no fucking way would she share with Rick Walker what her idea was. Fears that he’d challenge her like he had her dad stopped her.

  “No one can argue that it’s a feasible option with the potential for solid profitability.” He massaged small circles into her back. Instant relaxation. She molded into him, at the mercy of his touch.

  He really thought highly of her plan. Doubts had daunted her that maybe he’d feigned interest to get into her bed. Or just because he geeked out over stuff like that didn’t mean he thought she’d succeed. “You have way more confidence in me than anyone else.”

  “Because I think you can do anything. You’re amazing. I’d run around town telling everyone, but I won’t until I have your blessing. And you’ll be the first I tell about the drone project after the meeting.”

  She laughed softly. Travis Walker thought she could do anything, and if he thought like that then maybe she was making too big of a deal out of his parents. “I might wait on running through town.”

  “There’s something I don’t want to wait for.”

  The growl reverberated through his chest. It tingled its way through her belly down to her core. Two days since she’d been in his arms and it was like two weeks.

  She glided her arms around his neck. “There’s nothing stopping you.”

  “Only a good place to get you naked.”

  She bit her lip and looked around. Her gaze landed on the big red tractor. He quirked an eyebrow and glanced over his shoulder.

  “I don’t have to get completely naked,” she purred.

  “Up there in the hot seat, huh?” He lifted her and spun around.

  Once her feet hit the ground by the steps up to the cab, she wasted no time. She’d scaled up two rungs when a hard smack landed on her ass.

  She squealed and burst out laughing. “What the hell are you doing?” She paused. “Maybe you should go up first? So you can sit on the seat and I can straddle you?”

  “Nah. I’ve got another idea.”

  A thrill zinged through her. She scrambled into the cab. How was this going to work? Tractor sex was a first for her. She’d done it in plenty of cars, but they had a full passenger seat and a back seat. There was a small square jump seat by the main chair. What if her leg hit the controls to her right? What if one of their limbs cracked a computer screen?

  And holy shit, is this what the new equipment came with now days? Growing up, they’d bought used. No, not just used. Old and used.

  Travis’s footsteps on the metal rungs wiped out all her questions. Fuck it. They’d make it work. She watched him ascend, his look predatory. The gleam in his eye sent shivers up and down her spine.

  “Turn around.”

  “How? Where?” If she twisted until she faced out the back window, there’d still be no room for him behind her.

  He propped one boot on the floor of the cab. With one hand on her hip, he guided her. She turned, putting her knees on the seat.

  “Put your hands on the glass if you need to. You’ll have to face out the side.” His voice was thick, full of desire.

  Who knew that finding a good position to have sex in the cab of haying equipment would be foreplay. Her sex was ready, had settled into a steady thrum that increased the closer they got in the cab.

  He caressed along her waist; her breath quickened. His expert fingers unclasped her black work slacks as he nuzzled her nape.

  Her eyelids drifted shut. He tunneled his hand down to between her folds. Oh yes, she was so ready for him.

  “Travis,” she breathed.

  “I’m right here.” He shifted. He must be kneeling on the jump seat, curled over her so they both fit.

  He kissed up the side of her neck to her earlobe as he worked her clit. Her hips followed the rhythm he set. She gave herself a full minute before she exploded.

  Abruptly, he drew his hand out. She whimpered at the loss of contact.

  “Oh, I’m not done yet.” His gruff tone sent another shudder through her.

  She could spend her life with this man.

  Her eyes flew open. Had she really thought that?

  Yes, but it wasn’t so much as could she. An intelligent, kind, hard-working, incredibly sexy, understanding man wasn’t a hardship. It was whether she spent her time worried he’d ditch her because she wasn’t good enough. But last night had put her worries to rest. Mostly.

  He tugged her pants down. His zipper could hardly be heard over their breathing.

  When he stiffened, she glanced back. “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t have any protection.”

  “I don’t care.” She meant it. The promise of ecstasy was too alluring, too tempting. She’d only felt this way once before, and she’d gotten a daughter out of it. Hard to claim it was a bad decision. But even then, the yearning hadn’t been nearly as strong. The deep-seated want to be with someone with no barriers. To have just him and her and nothing else. So close, there’d be no room for doubt.

  “Are you certain?”

  “We’re both adults. I’m on the pill.” The major difference between now and back then.

  He rested his forehead on her shoulder, but clung to her. “It’s your decision, Kami. I’m here whether I’m inside of you or not.”

  She needed zero seconds to decide; she wiggled her hips. There were several ways to have fun without penetration, but she was ready for this next step.

  He nipped her shoulder. “You’re irresistible.” A small adjustment and he was pressed against her entrance, his shaft hard and hot.

  “Yes.”

  He entered her. He groaned. “I never thought…” His cock twitched, teasing her with what was to come. Another groan. “I can’t believe how different it is. So much better.”

  She pushed back into him, he went forward until he was fully seated in her heat. He didn’t stop, but swayed out and thrust back in.

  Her hands were splayed against the windows, her back curved to open herself to him. His hands dug into her hips, his lips at her neck. The sound of his body slapping into her wet heat filled the cab.

  “God, Kami. I’m not going to last long.”

  “I don’t want you to.” She wanted to finish with him. It felt right. Both of them bared to each other, finishing together.

  He snaked one hand around her front. When his fingers touched her clit, she almost collapsed on top of the controls.

  He grunted, his thrusts gaining in force. She chanted his name. His touch was magic. She catapulted over the edge, her orgasm slamming into her. She arched her back as she cried out, her voice loud in the small space.

  He called her name and jerked behind her. She swore he hit his head on the roof of the cab, but she didn’t bother to check, too lost in her own pleasure.

  A few more pumps, and they both fell still. He was still wrapped around her, not moving.

  “We need to do this more often,” she gasped.

  “Absolutely,” he agreed. “We can have combine sex next month.”

  She giggled. “We might need to. It might be the only time I see you.”

  He adjusted himself enough to kiss her temple. “I’ll make time for you.”

  A warm glow that had nothing to do with sex ignited. He’d make time for her. When he said it like that, it sounded like he promised her everything she ever wanted.

  ***

  After they were both on the ground, they adjusted their clothing.

  Kami brushed her hair off her face. Their exertion in the cramped cab and the heat flowing into the barn was making her sticky.

  Travis finished tucking his shirt back in. He grinned at her. “I never liked living in the country more than I do now.”

  “It certainly m
akes spontaneous sex easier when you don’t have to worry about anyone walking in on you.”

  “My cousins might, but since most of them are getting married, I think they’ll know what’s going on quicker.” He shrugged. “But I can’t promise they won’t shout encouragement.”

  She laughed and stepped into his embrace. He wrapped an arm around her and they started for the door.

  A sharp sound echoed into the barn. Was that a car door? He didn’t pause, more used to people coming and going than she was.

  “I should’ve shut my truck off so we could’ve heard someone driving up. Sounds like we almost had coitus interruptus.”

  Two weeks ago, she would’ve panicked at the idea, worried about what people would’ve thought of her. But not today. She was proud to be Travis’s plus one.

  They exited the barn. The early evening sun still bright, she squinted at the unfamiliar car parked by the house.

  Travis stalled.

  “Who is— Are you okay?”

  His face had gone ashen, his eyes full of dismay.

  “Yeah,” he drew out.

  A man and a woman were walking up the path to Travis’s front door. An older couple, but not any of his aunts or uncles. Good thing they were both dressed and put back together. His hat had never even come off. Her hair was mussed and her cheeks were probably flushed, but no one would look at them and guess what they’d just done.

  He gently extracted his arm from around her shoulders and stepped away. “Do you mind shutting off the truck? It’s okay to leave it parked there.”

  “Who are they?” she asked, but he was already striding away from her. Okay.

  Shut off the truck and bring the keys back. She could always park it in its typical spot. The overhead door was still open in the large garage off the side of his house.

  “Do you want me to park it for you?” she called.

  He turned his head to call, “Sure.” That was all she got.

  Who was the couple? And why’d he seem so tense?

  She jumped in, fiddled around with the lever, and scooted the seat forward. Throwing it into gear, she ambled the pickup along the gravel loop to the separate garage. Once inside, she killed the engine. Wow, the inside of his ride was fan-cee.

  When had she ever driven a vehicle this expensive? The old grain truck her dad once owned had been older than him. Driving off the lot, this pickup had to be as expensive as her mom’s house. That wasn’t a hard challenge.

  He kept it nearly immaculate, too. There was no trash on the inside, no dust, which wasn’t easy living in the country, and its fresh shower scent was all Travis.

  She looked around the garage. It was neat and orderly. Like most farmer’s garages, there were piles of equipment in corners and along the walls, but there was clearly a system of storage.

  How could two people who were raised basically next door to each other grow up so differently?

  And how long would it take before she ever reached the level of efficiency of just one of his out buildings?

  She steeled herself. No. She could do it. Time, patience, and a ton of sweat equity. And money. Every spare penny she brought in would go to the land. Because her mom and Kambria depended on her. It was the only way to provide a better life for her daughter. So, Kami would dedicate her life to sheep instead of teaching children skills that would strengthen them in any activity, help them build confidence that would translate to any area of their life. It was okay.

  Before too many doubts crept in, she climbed out.

  Travis and the couple had gone inside. She jogged across the yard, her curiosity spurring her a little faster.

  Only the screen door was shut, the main door had been left open. And because Travis took care of everything, the hinges didn’t even creak when she entered.

  Slipping out of her shoes, she heard low voices.

  “Not at all.” Travis sounded reassuring. “I was just busy with…ah, work, and I didn’t get your message. It’s no problem.”

  Work. She suppressed a grin. Is that what they’re calling it these days?

  “Della and I don’t want to impose,” a man replied. “We won’t stay long. We figured evening was best and since it’s daylight out longer, we don’t mind driving home at night.”

  “Right. No problem.” Travis again.

  She tiptoed toward the voices. The tension she’d noted in Travis was clear in his voice. Did the couple hear it, too?

  They were in the living room. She rounded the corner. The woman looked up in surprise. The man had been about to say something but snapped his mouth shut and glanced at Travis.

  Kami did, too. Her heart faltered. Travis’s jaw was rigid, and he wasn’t glaring at her, but had the look of an overturned boater without a life vest or paddle.

  The woman spoke first. “Did we interrupt something?”

  “No,” Travis answered quickly. “This is Kami. She’s a neighbor, helping out around here.”

  Her world slowed to a standstill. Those words cleaved the tenuous trust she’d finally allowed herself to build. She’s a neighbor.

  The trepidation in his body language—he didn’t want these people to know he was dating her.

  The woman smiled at her, such an endearing expression. “Oh, how sweet of you. We’ve had such an outpouring of support from our neighbors. Anything we’ve needed this last year, they’ve been ready to lend a hand.” Her smile wavered, but she cast an endearing look toward Travis. “I don’t know what we would’ve done without Travis, but I suppose we were stealing him away from work around here.”

  Kami glanced from the couple to Travis.

  His eyes were averted, but brimming with stress and sympathy. He finally met her gaze. “These are Michelle’s parents.”

  “I’m very sorry for your loss.” Conflicting emotions warred within her. Empathy. Confusion. Hurt. Betrayal. His fiancée had been gone for over a year, but he’d moved on and didn’t want them to know. She couldn’t understand why he was willing to sacrifice her feelings to spare theirs. No, she understood it, but it didn’t resonate with her. They were supposed to be a couple. A pair. Always. Not when it was convenient.

  She didn’t know his motivations, but she couldn’t help the hurt. He acted and spoke as if he was ready for the next phase in life. He’d plowed ahead, damn near barreled his way into her world. When, exactly, should she expect to become the most important person to him? Only when it was convenient?

  Was this another situation where he moderated or avoided a topic to preserve feelings, or more like, to preserve his standing in their mind? Paired with his moderation of his parents instead of outright standing up for her and she doubted their future.

  How long had he and Michelle dated? Four years? More? Yet, she’d never moved out here and he’d never moved to where she lived. Kami didn’t want a future that plodded along because he couldn’t commit to his partner.

  Kami wanted the same thing, but for her daughter, not for herself. She’d already left her home for someone else, she wasn’t going to do it again. When she’d gotten pregnant, she’d had little plans for the future, but she’d had gymnastics and her coaching job. Then Ben proposed and she’d seen a way to improve her future. And she hadn’t regretted it. She and Ben had had a good life. But it was over, and she wasn’t going to tolerate needing a boyfriend to get others to treat her with respect. She didn’t need someone others trusted on her arm to gain confidence.

  She laid the keys on the side table with deliberate movements. “If that’s all you need.” Holding Travis’s eye contact, she said, “Then I’m done here.”

  Spinning on her heel, she squared her shoulders and strode out the door. Travis said something she didn’t catch, but she bee-lined for her car.

  “Kami.” He didn’t shout. God forbid he make it look like he gave a shit.

  She sped up.

  “Kami?”

  She whipped open her door and spun on him. “Go back inside, Travis. Pretend that you and I are nothing, and
have a good fucking night.”

  He stopped a few feet away from her, his shoulders hanging like he had no choice. “They’re Michelle’s parents.”

  “Yeah, I got that loud and clear. I get that their feelings might be hurt. But what about mine?”

  “God, I’m sorry. But I wanted a chance to talk to them first, to ease them into the idea. I’m like a son to them.”

  She planted her hands on her hips. “I’d get behind that a little more if I thought you seriously didn’t want to make them feel like their daughter’s passing was a minor inconvenience. But I think it’s more that you don’t want them to think less of you.”

  His face contorted in bewilderment, and she wasn’t done.

  “The computer games? You like it, but everyone expects you to program or whatever, so you do. You love farming, but everyone expects you to go brainiac it up somewhere, so you do. They expect you to stand by them to try to fill the hole of the daughter they lost, so you do. You were born here and everyone loves the idea of you living here, so you do.” She swallowed, dreading her next question. “So if I refused to move out here with you because I want to spend my life on the land I grew up on, then what?”

  A muscle jumped in his jaw, pure anguish in his gaze. She’d hit a nerve.

  “Then what?” she pressed. “You know, it occurred to me, I’ve told you all about me and Ben, my hopes and plans for the future, but you’ve shared nothing. You’ve given me nothing. Sure, you help out here and there, but you’re really not willing to risk anything for me.”

  “I found Michelle that night. Did you know that?”

  She was ready to jump into her car, but she stopped. He’d found his fiancée? How awful.

  “I understand it had to be hard.”

  “It was worse than hard, because I’d…” His jaw clenched, and indecision rippled through his features. “I’d gone there to break up with her.”

  Kami reared back until her butt thumped the car. She glanced around, trying to gather her thoughts. “And you feel guilty.”

  “More than guilty. She died by herself, and everyone’s treating me like I’m the victim when I was only there to dump her.”

  “And of course you didn’t tell her parents.”