by J. S. Cooper
“Fine, fine. Let’s find some regular photos then.”
“I need to approve them before you upload them.” I warned her, not wanting to risk the fact that half-naked photos of me cavorting around on the beach were going to show up on my profile. I was pretty sure you could see my nipples poking through the bikini as well. There was no way that I wanted to have those photos out there. I would definitely look like an easy catch. Not that Henry thought any different. But I didn’t need every potential guy thinking I was up for the taking. Easy taking as well. “Let me see what you’re thinking.” I reached for the phone and as I did the screen lit up and started ringing. For a second, a burst of hope and excitement coursed through me. Maybe it was Henry calling me. Maybe he already missed me. Maybe he wanted to take me on a proper date. My stomach dropped in disappointment as I saw Jake’s name, but I answered it anyway.
“Hello,” I said, trying to sound upbeat.
“Hey, Lacey? This is Jake.”
“Hey, Jake, how’s it going?” I said cheerfully.
“Well, well. I was wondering if you’d like to meet up for a drink or dinner tonight?”
“Ooh tonight?” I said, trying to ignore Eliza’s curious expression. “I’m not sure that…” I paused as Eliza glared at me. “Sure, maybe we can meet for a drink.”
“Really? That’s great.” I could hear the genuine joy in his voice and that me feel good. This was how it should be.
“Yeah, sure. Do you know where you’d like to meet?” I asked him, all of a sudden feeling more confident.
“Maybe Bond Bar? Do you know it? They have some great drinks and small plates.”
“Sounds good to me.” I smiled at the eagerness in his voice. “What time?”
“Eight?”
“Sure,” I said and hung up. Eliza was grinning at me as I hung up.
“Who was that?”
“Jake.” I rolled my eyes at her. “And no, I’m not going to hook up with him tonight.”
“Not even if he asks nicely?”
“Not even if he begs.” I grinned.
“What if he begs really nicely?”
“Not even if he begs with his tongue out of his mouth.”
“What if he begs with his dick out of his pants?”
“Eliza.” I shook my head at her. “You’re disgusting.”
“Haha, just throwing options out there. I noticed you didn’t actually answer that one.”
“What do you think the answer to that one is?”
“A hell yes.” She winked at me and we both burst out laughing.
“You know me so well. Dick out of the pants does it every single time.”
“Oh yeah baby.” She grinned and then stood up. “I should get going. Scott is going to kill me. He hates me being late.”
“Poor Scott, he has a whole lifetime to get used to it.”
“Haha, don’t say that. He doesn’t know that I have issues with time yet and I don’t think I need for him to know until we get married. Or maybe ever.”
“I think he must know already.” I laughed. “Let’s be real.”
“As real as Jake’s dick?”
“Eliza!” I jumped up off of the couch and pushed her gently. “You’re disgusting.”
“So so disgusting.” She giggled as she walked out of the room and as I watched her rushing around to leave to meet Scott, I knew that I wanted to be in that happy place again. I wanted to be excited about going to meet Jake. I wanted to be giddy. I wanted to be in that place that made me feel as if I was floating on stars. I wanted to be happy and blissfully in love. Oh, how badly I wanted that.
***
“Hey, I wanted to tell you that I think you’re beautiful. Really beautiful.” Jake gave me a sweet warm smile and I could feel myself warming at the compliment. He was such a nice guy. The sort of guy that I needed. The sort of guy that could and would make me feel special.
“Thank you,” I said and gave him a huge smile. “That means a lot to me.”
“I’m sure you hear it all the time.” His eyes gazed into mine and the look he gave me made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
“I actually don’t.” I shook my head and tried to remember the last time that someone that wasn’t family or Eliza had called me beautiful. I couldn’t remember and that made me feel sad. Why was I around people that didn’t make me feel good about myself?
“Why the despondent look?” Jake asked me quickly. “I didn’t upset you, did I?”
“Not at all.” I shook my head again and reached out and grabbed his arm. “That was a really nice thing to say to me. I guess I’m just taken aback.”
“You shouldn’t be,” he said and then sighed. “You should be with someone that fully appreciates you and shows you how much they mean to you every day.”
“That would be nice.”
“Henry’s not that guy,” he mumbled and then looked away quickly. My heart stopped at his words. Had he just said Henry?
“What did you just say?” I asked him quickly.
“Sorry, I know it’s not my place and I don’t want you to tell Henry that I said this, but he’s not a great guy. At least not to date.”
“We’re not dating,” I said quickly and defensively, my face growing red. How did he know that Henry and I had a thing?
“Really?” Jake gave me a wistful smile. “Trust me, I wish that was true. I…” He looked away as he paused and I wondered what he was thinking. “I’ll stop.” He looked back over at me. “It’s not my place to lecture you. I just hope you give me a chance.”
“I’m here, aren’t I?” I said softly. Though, my stomach dropped at my own words. Why was I leading him on? Was I really willing to give him a chance?
“You’re here?” He laughed, though his face was subdued. “Physically, yes. But mentally? Emotionally?” He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
“Oh, Jake, don’t say that,” I said, my stomach dropped slightly. “I’m here. And I’m enjoying myself.”
“Are you really enjoying yourself? Are you really here with me because you want to be with me?” He paused. “Sorry, I know I’m coming on too strong.”
“I just don’t know what to say.”
“I think you’re great. Do you know that? I think you’re almost perfect.” He smiled at me, his eyes despondent. “But I know you’re not with me emotionally. I know I’m not the one in your heart and I’ll never be.” He chuckled. “I sound like a weirdo, don’t I?”
“Why do you say that?” I said softly, feeling really bad.
“Because there’s a sadness in your eyes.” He looked at me thoughtfully. “There’s a sadness in your spirit. I can feel it.” He put his hand up to stop my denial. “If you were into me, you’d be happy. You’d be as into this moment as I am. You’d be engaged with me. You’d think of no one else. This is where you’d want to be. And time would pass with neither one of us realizing that it had passed.”
“Jake,” I said softly and stopped. I looked away then, as what he was saying was true. I couldn’t stop thinking about Henry. He was the one in my heart. Even though I enjoyed hanging out with Jake and was glad to have met him. Even though he was a great guy. “I’m sorry.” I looked down at the ground, ashamed then. What was I doing here with this guy, that so obviously liked me, when I was into someone else? Jake was obviously a genuine man. Why was I using him? Why was I playing with his feelings? Was I any better than Henry? In fact maybe I was worse. Maybe I was the bigger devil because I was trying to pretend to Jake that I had no one else in my heart. At least Henry had warned me to not fall in love with him. At least he hadn’t pretended that this could be something more than it was. But then I stopped for a second. Why was I making this such a big deal? I didn’t even know Jake. I’d just met him. It wasn’t unfair of me to go on one date with him. It wasn’t like I was leading him on for marriage or something else extremely dedicated or long-term.
“Hey, Lacey.” He reached over and touched my hand g
ently. “Don’t be sad. It’s not your fault.” He smiled warmly at me. “You’re a great girl and you deserve happiness.”
“You must think I’m horrible.” I sighed.
“No, I think that the Henry James magic got to you before I could.”
“Oh Jake.” I sighed again, my heart aching. Why couldn’t I feel for him, what I felt for Henry? My life would be so much easier.
“Are you thinking about him now? Why don’t you call him?” Jake said and then nodded as he leaned toward me. “See what he’s up to tonight. I think you should have a serious talk with him.”
“Talk about what?” I frowned. What was he talking about?
“Where he sees your relationship going,” he mumbled on.
“We have no relationship.” I bit down in my lower lip. “It’s really not like that.”
“Are you sure?” he said softly. “Maybe he feels differently than you think. He certainly was giving me some odd looks today when I was talking to you. It seems to me that he has some feelings.”
“I doubt it.” I shook my head and looked to the side. I felt like I wanted to cry. What the hell was I doing? Henry didn’t care and I knew it. Why was I pretending this was something more? All he wanted from me was sex.
“You never know. Call him.” Jake’s eyes bored into mine and then he sighed. “This is weird. I know. I’m an idiot. I like you. I’m glad you came on this date. But I can tell that you’re into Henry and that kills me because he’s such a player and I just want…” His voice trailed off and he looked away. My heart beat rapidly as I sat there feeling awkward.
“This is really weird, but fine.” I gave him a weak smile and pulled out my phone to call Henry. The phone rang three times and then went to voicemail. “He didn’t pick up.” I was about to put my phone back in my pocket, when I saw it ringing and Henry’s name flashed on the screen. My heart raced and my throat was dry as I picked up the phone. Was he going to be happy to hear from me? Had he been waiting for my call or at least hoping that I would call?
“You just called?” Henry sounded annoyed.
“Uhm yeah.” I stumbled over my words. He certainly didn’t sound as if he’d been waiting on my call in sweet anticipation.
“What do you need?” he asked again and my face burned hot as I stared at Jake who was looking at me with a curious expression.
“I, uh, was just wondering what you were up to tonight?” I said, the words barely a whisper. Why had I called him? What was I thinking?
“I have plans. Why?” he said and I could hear a noise in the background. “Hold on,” he said to me and I listened as he spoke to someone. “We can go in a few minutes.” There was a muffled sound from the person responding and I couldn’t hear what the other person was saying. “Claudia, I’m not going through this again.” I heard Henry say and my stomach fell. My fingers clutched the phone and I felt my eyes welling up. “Look, Lacey, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later,” he snapped into the phone.
“Okay, sorry for...” My words trailed off as he hung up as I was still speaking. I put the phone down on the table in front of me, all blood gone from my face as I tried to swallow hard. I didn’t even want to look at Jake. I felt so embarrassed and hurt. I felt like I wanted to throw up and punch myself at the same time. Why was I such a fool? My stomach felt empty and I could feel misery filling me up. Henry just didn’t care at all. He didn’t want to see me. He hadn’t been waiting on my call. I meant nothing to him. I had never felt such a painful reaction to a phone-call. It stung some part inside of me that I hadn’t even known existed.
“What happened?” Jake looked concerned as he gazed at me, his pupils narrowed. He looked worried for me and as I looked in his eyes, all I could think about was the fact that he was such a nice guy and I didn’t even care. All I could think about was Henry’s deep soulful green eyes. And all I could picture was him looking into Claudia’s eyes and telling her how much he loved her and how beautiful she was. I bet he hadn’t told her that she shouldn’t fall in love with him. I bet he hadn’t told her he didn’t want a relationship. He actually cared about her. She mattered to him. She meant something. Unlike me. I was nothing to him. Absolutely nothing.
“I need to go home. Sorry.” My words were barely a whisper as I shook my head. I needed to go home and cry. I could feel my whole body shaking. I wasn’t sure why I was doing to this myself. I was about to burst into tears. I knew that I had to be crazy to be in this situation. And I knew that Jake just wouldn’t understand and I didn’t want to be sitting here feeling and looking like a fool.
“I’m sorry,” Jake said, looking upset. “I shouldn’t have told you to call him. I’m sorry.”
“Doesn’t matter.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I jumped up from the table quickly. “Look I’m sorry. I have to go.” I ran away from the table and to the main entrance as rapidly as I could. As I made my way to the entrance, I saw a man approaching a woman with a large bouquet of flowers. She ran up to him and flung her arms around him and I watched as they kissed passionately.
“I’ve missed you,” he said to her as he held onto her tight.
“You only saw me two days ago.” She giggled as she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.
“Two days too many,” he said, gazing at her with such love that I couldn’t help but be jealous.
“You’re silly.” She stroked his face. “I missed you as well.”
“I love you, Hannah,” he said as he handed her the flowers and took her hand. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’ll never have to find out,” she said sweetly. “Now let’s go eat,” she said and they walked farther into the restaurant as I left, feeling even more despondent and sorry for myself than I had before. I made my way to the street and I looked around at the different groups of people and all of a sudden I had no idea where to go. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to go to my room to cry. I knew Eliza and Scott were going to be having dinner and I didn’t want to be a Debbie downer and call her for advice or help. I knew it was pitiful. I stood at the corner of the road and just stood there. I had nowhere to go. No one to call. No one to care. All of a sudden I felt dreadfully alone and sad. It wasn’t just Henry. It was everything. Nothing in my life seemed to be going the way I wanted it to go. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I then started to walk aimlessly down the street and looked at the cars as they drove by, wondering where they were going. Wondering who was inside, what their stories were, wondering if they were on their way to meet up with people that were waiting for them, happy to see them, wanting to be with them. I thought of Henry again then and the sound of annoyance in his voice when he’d called me. He really didn’t give a shit about me. He just didn’t care. He was most probably about to sleep with Claudia right now. He was most probably with her telling her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. He was most probably touching her face and holding her close and holding her hand and loving her. In all the ways that he didn’t love me. In all the ways that he would never love me. My breath caught and the tears streamed down my face. I took a step off of the road and jumped when I heard a loud beep.
“Watch where you’re going, lady.” a man shouted out of the window of the car that had nearly hit me.
“Sorry,” I mumbled as I rubbed my eyes and took a step back. I was completely out of it. I was going to kill myself if I didn’t get my act together. My phone rang then and I grabbed it quickly hoping it was Henry calling to apologize, but of course it wasn’t. It was Jake. I was about to press reject when I changed my mind and decided to answer it instead. “Hey, sorry about running off just now.”
“No need to apologize,” he said sounding sad. “I’m not sure what I was thinking telling you to call him. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault he’s a jerk.”
“Are you okay?”
“Honestly?” I hiccupped and then laughed. “Honestly, no I’m not okay.”
“Want
some company?”
“I wouldn’t be good company,” I said, feeling bad. “I’m sorry, but you’re right. I do have feelings for Henry and well I’m hurting now because he doesn’t care.”
“I can be your friend, Lacey,” he said quickly. “I can be a friend for you, if you need someone.”
“I know, but is that fair to you? To be a friend to me, a Debbie downer?”
“You’re not a Debbie downer,” he said. “Come on, I’ll take you out so we can do something fun.” He paused. “Maybe I can cheer you up.”
“Something fun?” I asked, thinking that I would never be able to enjoy doing anything fun again.
“Something to take your mind off of him.” He sounded wistful and my heart twisted.
“Is that possible?” I asked, knowing that in this moment that it wasn’t possible at all.
“It’s always possible.”
“Thanks, but not tonight. I just need to be alone,” I said softly, though for a brief couple of seconds I considered meeting up with him. “Thanks though, Jake,” I said before hanging up. I dried my eyes with my sleeve and took a couple of deep breaths. “Get your act together, Lacey,” I lectured myself as I looked around at the beautiful night. “Don’t let him bring you down,” I mumbled before grabbing my once again ringing phone.
“Hey,” I said breathlessly without seeing who was calling. “Jake, you’re persistent, aren’t you?” I laughed slightly. “I’ve changed my mind,” I said without even thinking. “If you still want to hang out tonight, I’m down.”
“You’re down?” Henry’s voice sounded amused and my heart froze.
“Henry?” I was surprised. He was calling me back? Why?
“The one and only,” he drawled. “I’m sure you’re disappointed that it’s not Jake.”
“Why are you calling me?” I snapped, still annoyed by his earlier abrupt call.
“I just wanted to apologize for earlier. I was a little rude.” His tone sounded like he didn’t really believe he needed to apologize and I wanted to snap at him.
“It’s fine,” I said, willing myself to not forgive him easily as I wanted to.