He kissed her again, sending shivers down her spine. She wanted to turn and kiss him full on the mouth, but she feared rejection if he considered her too forward from living among the Englisch too long. As tough as it was, she would wait for him to make the advances. Even as slow as they came, she was satisfied for now knowing he desired to have some closeness with her. On the other hand, what if he wanted to consummate their marriage, and she kept her back to him sending him the signal she was uninterested? She turned slightly to see if he would make another advance, but to her dismay, he was already asleep.
****
Jacob had a tough time keeping his mind on the church service that morning. He couldn’t believe he’d been bold enough to kiss the back of Lizzie’s neck twice last night, but he knew his defenses were down because of being over-tired. He knew she was tired too, but she hadn’t pushed him away. In fact, she had moved closer to him each night. Maybe it was time for him to come clean about the real reason he’d married her. As much as he’d tried to reason with himself at the time, it wasn’t because Caleb needed a new mamm, or to spare his reputation in the community; it was because he’d never gotten over her. She was his first love, and he couldn’t help but feel that the circle of life had brought them back together. He no longer carried the guilt over Nellie’s passing; he knew it wasn’t his fault, and there was nothing he could have done to prevent it from happening. It was Gotte’s wille.
Before he realized, they had gotten through their first service as a familye, and every time he looked back at Abby, she seemed to be content. Lizzie had even smiled at him from the other side of the room where she sat with his new dochder. He’d whispered a silent prayer of thanks for Abby, knowing that if not for her, he wouldn’t be married to Lizzie. Thinking about it though, he knew he needed to find out from her once and for all why she’d placed his name on Abby’s Englisch birth certificate. He guessed there were several things they needed to work out before they could move forward into a relationship. There could be no secrets between them—even the one he’d harbored for the past ten years.
****
“Your dad is my grandpa, right?” Abby was asking from the back of the buggy on the way to her father’s farm.
“Yes, Abby.” Lizzie’s voice cracked at the admission. In all the time she’d been away, she never once gave thought to what her own father was missing out on by not knowing about Abby. She was, after all, his first grandchild, and she’d denied them both the opportunity to be a family. Guilt made her heart flutter, and she wondered if the strictness in her father’s tone would carry over to the dinner they were about to encounter at his house. She hadn’t intended to disappoint her father, or stain her mother’s memory, but that’s how it looked in the eyes of her father, and she hoped marrying Jacob and joining the church would eventually make things right between them. She knew that a good start would be to teach Abby all she could about the Amish, and to make sure she even learned the language.
Lizzie stiffened her shoulders as they entered her father’s house, determined that no matter what he said to her, or no matter how disapproving his tone, she would be respectful and show Abby a good example of how to properly yield to the authority of a parent.
Her older bruder, David, and his fraa, Leah, had not yet arrived with her nephew. To her surprise, her daed and younger bruder, Seth, greeted her with open arms and smiles. Was it because she was married? Or did they do it out of respect for Jacob only? At the moment, she didn’t care; she was home, and this was the happiest she’d been in a long time.
****
Abby already saw the advantages to having a grandpa—Grossdaddi—as he’d taught her to say. Seeing the never-ending smile spread across her mom’s—mamm’s—lips was enough to make any child’s heart sing. She watched her mamm most of the afternoon, and realized she’d never seen her so happy—froh. Her new Onkel Seth, and her new bruder, Caleb, had spent a good part of the afternoon teaching her a few simple words that would make things easier to understand when eavesdropping on adult conversation—something Seth and Caleb both admitted to enjoying. She was just happy because her mamm was happy, and she discovered that having a big familye to care about you was more important than having a cell phone or TV—especially now that she had a new daed.
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CHAPTER 22
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Lizzie felt the awkwardness drift away between her and her daed the moment he handed her the quilt that her mamm had made for her tenth birthday. She’d never gotten the chance to give it to her since she passed away two months before. It was something Lizzie had never known about—until now.
Tears welled up in her eyes at the beautiful, intricate stitching her mamm was known for. Her quilts had been the best in the community, and all the women were in awe of her detailed quilts and her eye for matching and arranging the colors and patterns.
“Why didn’t you give this to me sooner, Daed?”
Hiram cleared his throat. “It was in the attic in a trunk that I just couldn’t bring myself to going through until a few years ago. I knew she’d made it for you, but I couldn’t look at her things after she died, so I packed them all in the trunk and put them in the attic. He handed her a brown paper bag that was folded at the top.
“I found this in the trunk too. I’d forgotten about it until I went in search of things you might want now that you’re married. It’s the quilt she started making for the boppli before she…well, I thought you might want to finish it and use it when you and Jacob expand your familye and have your next boppli.”
Her heart skipped a beat at the thought of carrying Jacob’s child.
Hiram urged her to take the bag, despite her hesitation.
Lizzie opened the bag, a lump forming in her throat as she pulled out the yellow baby quilt that was nearly finished. Her hands shook as she turned it over, examining each stitch. She held it to her cheek, believing she could almost smell her mamm in the folds of the fabric.
“Denki. I only hope I can make my stitches as evenly as mamm’s. She was the best quilter in this community—that’s a lot to live up to.”
Hiram put his arm across her shoulder. “I have faith in you.”
Those few simple words and the affection from her daed was all she needed to tell her she was forgiven.
****
The entire ride home, Lizzie’s thoughts were occupied with visions of what a new boppli would mean to her daed. It was clear to her from their conversation that he’d felt cheated out of the joy of helping to raise Abby. He seemed proud to be a grossdaddi, and Lizzie did not want to disappoint him further by letting on that she and Jacob had not yet had the opportunity to even create a boppli.
Jacob startled her by placing his hand on top of hers. “You seem preoccupied. Did you have an unpleasant conversation with your daed?”
“Nee. In fact, it was a very good talk. He gave me the quilt my mamm was making for the boppli she was having before she…”
Jacob squeezed her hand. “That’s something very special. I noticed the large quilt on the top of the boxes your daed helped me put in the back of the buggy. Is that the one? It’s very nice.”
Lizzie couldn’t help leaning her head on his shoulder for comfort. He put his arm around her to steady her shaking.
“She made that one for my tenth birthday, but she never got the chance to give it to me. She was gone a few months before. The trunk he gave me contains a lot of her things she used in the kitchen, and even some of her personal things. He thought I could use them now that I’m married.”
Jacob tightened his grip across her shoulders, holding the reins with his left hand. “You can make it your home by putting your mamm’s things anywhere you want. I want you and Abby to feel at home there, and I want you to do whatever you need to in order to be comfortable.”
Lizzie cuddled in closer to him. “Denki. That means a lot to me.”
Jacob smiled at her. “I have an idea.”
He pulled the buggy
into the drive of the B&B instead of continuing on to their farm. “Do you think your aenti would agree to stay with the kinner for an hour so we can take that buggy ride we missed out on?”
He assisted her down. “I don’t see why not. She hasn’t seen Abby in a couple of days, and she was going to teach her how to make a snitz pie.”
It didn’t matter to Lizzie that she was already exhausted from the long day at church, and then the dinner with her familye, what mattered was that she was finally going to get the chance to have a gut talk with her husband.
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CHAPTER 23
**********************
Jacob steered the buggy down the ribbon of road, keeping his eye on the large harvest moon that illuminated their path with a romantic, amber glow. Lizzie leaned against him, making it tough for him to break the silence with their long-overdue talk about the circumstances that brought them together as a married couple.
“I’m only curious about one thing. Why did you name me as Abby’s vadder?”
Lizzie straightened, and Jacob wished he hadn’t been so blunt. He enjoyed having her so close to him, but now it was evident that her defenses were up, and he feared they would remain distant until the matter was resolved.
“I was very emotional at the time of her birth because of the circumstances that brought her into existence in the first place. I was alone and scared, and without a midwife, I gave birth in a hospital. They required the legal document, and I was afraid that with such a document as public record of her birth that Eddie, her real father, would take her from me if he knew the truth.”
Jacob slowed the horse, looking for a spot to pull over on the side of the dirt road. He didn’t want to continue on endlessly because of the late hour, and be too far away from home to pick up the kinner at a reasonable time, and he knew his horse could probably use a break.
“You weren’t married to him?”
He wasn’t trying to embarrass her, but he could tell by the look on her face that he’d done just that. He immediately regretted the question.
“No. I was out with him the last night I saw him, and he said he needed to stop at a friend’s house before we went to dinner. We never made it to the restaurant. He and his friends offered me a glass of water, and I took it never dreaming they would put drugs in it, but they did. The last thing I remembered was Eddie taking me home and putting me in my bed because I was too dizzy to walk. When I woke up the next morning, I was naked and all alone.”
Tears welled up in her eyes, and Jacob pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her hair. “I’m so sorry he violated you in that way.”
She’d made her peace with what had happened, including her decision to keep Abby in spite of how she was conceived. But that didn’t mean she would ever forget the fear and hurt she felt—not to mention the shame.
Jacob lifted her chin and looked into her moist eyes as if he’d read her thoughts. “It’s his shame, not yours.”
She cleared her throat. “I know that now, but after what happened, I didn’t think I could ever come home. When I learned I was pregnant, I moved to another town and changed my name legally. That’s why my last name is Barlow. I didn’t want to bring shame on my family. I led people to believe my husband was deceased, and I became Englisch to the world around me. After a few years, it came naturally.”
“That doesn’t explain why you named me as her vadder.”
Lizzie sniffed back the tears that threatened to spill, her heart racing at the confession she was about to make.
“I was still very much in love with you. I hadn’t gotten over you, and since I couldn’t make up a name or put Eddie’s name as her father, I named you. I know I acted like a silly, immature girl by doing such a thing, but I just wasn’t thinking straight at the time.”
Jacob’s mind was reeling, and his heart was beating so hard, he worried it would shoot out of his chest.
“If it’s confessing we’re doing, I have one of my own.”
“What could a gut man like you have to confess?”
He hesitated for a moment, as if to gather his thoughts. “When you left the community, I was so devastated I tried to drown my sorrow by courting Nellie Fisher. I knew it was wrong to lead her on when I didn’t feel the same, but I thought I could force myself to have a life with her—that I would learn to love her in time. She was a good woman and she deserved better than the small part of my heart, but I never got over you either. You were my first love—the only one I could ever give my heart to.”
She looked up at him, disbelief in her eyes.
He ignored the shock on her face and continued before he lost his nerve. “When she died giving birth to Caleb, I was riddled with such guilt that I could barely function. My own mamm had to come in and help me care for him because I was no gut to him in the state I was in. My familye assumed I was grieving, but I couldn’t tell them the truth. I only just told the Bishop before we were married. It was a burden that had plagued me until just a week ago before you came back to the community when I decided to shave and force myself to let go of the past. Telling the Bishop was the final step in putting my shame behind me and allowing Gott to forgive me.”
Lizzie couldn’t believe her ears. After all this time, he’d been hurting just as much as she had. “Thank you for being so honest with me, Jacob.”
He picked up the reins. “We should probably head back to pick up the kinner. Your aenti is probably getting worried, and tomorrow is a long work day.”
Lizzie thought about the wash she’d have to do at the B&B after doing her own family’s wash, and realized it was best they go home even though she wasn’t ready.
Jacob steered the buggy back toward home. “How did you manage on your own among the Englisch for so long?”
“I went to a trade-school after passing the GED test and became a pharmacy technician. It was good work until Eddie caught up to me. There was no denying she was his child—they look too much alike. He threatened to tell her, and take her from me if I didn’t give him money for drugs. His friends even threatened to kill me if I didn’t help him. But he died in a car crash a few weeks ago, and I’m sure his friends have forgotten all about me by now.”
Jacob pulled her close with one arm, afraid if he let go of her, something would happen to her. He hoped she was right about the men giving up their quest for money for a dead man’s debt, but he would willingly pay any amount to keep his fraa and dochder safe. It didn’t matter that Abby was not his flesh and blood, and he would not shame Lizzie further by denying what the community believed about his part in conceiving her. As far as he was concerned, Abby was his dochder in every way that counted. He was proud of his decision to claim her as his dochder, for he already loved her as if she were.
**********************
CHAPTER 24
**********************
Lizzie woke up, surprised that Jacob was still cuddling her close to him. She nudged him slightly since she could see just enough in the dimly lit room to know the sun would be fully up soon. He groaned slightly, pulling her closer still. She didn’t want to leave his arms, but they both had a lot of work to do without many hours of daylight to complete since the days had grown shorter.
“Stay with me just a few minutes longer.” He whispered in her ear sending shivers of desire through her.
If she had her way, they wouldn’t get up at all, but she was having a tough time grasping his sudden urge to lounge. Every day since they’d been married, he’d been up hours before her, yet today, he was willing to linger. Was he overtired and worn out from his added responsibility, or did he simply want to cuddle her? Either way, she wouldn’t argue for long, even though she knew the delay would prolong her workday. She snuggled him, knowing the time spent with him would be worth every agonizing minute her day would extend by for staying with him.
Jacob was very aware of the desire he was invoking in her. He couldn’t help feeling it himself. But he knew there was no ti
me for the kind of closeness he desired with her, and he wasn’t sure if she was ready for that yet. Not wanting to push her too far, he didn’t dare kiss her, despite the magnetic pull he felt from her to do so. He wasn’t sure he would be able to stop at kissing if they started anything, and there was no time for that now, no matter how much he desired to become one with her. They had a full day of work ahead of them, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to hold her just a little longer.
Lizzie had to be strong for both of them. “If I stay too long, I’ll want to stay longer and longer still. If we don’t get up now I’m afraid we’ll stay here all day.”
His eyes opened slightly and he smiled at her.
“Would that be such a bad thing?”
At first thought, it wouldn’t but… “We have obligations, Jacob. Not just to each other, but to the kinner and the community. I’m expected to help my aenti with Monday wash, and I believe you and Caleb are expected at the Belier’s to finish the inside of the barn.”
He leaned up and kissed her forehead. “You’re right. I don’t want you thinking I’m not a responsible man.”
She tousled his curly brown hair. “I have the utmost admiration for you. After what you did for me and Abby, I could never see you as irresponsible.”
He smiled at her, feeling his heart tug away with her as she lifted herself from the bed.
He was falling in love with her all over again.
****
Lizzie couldn’t keep her mind on task. Her arms went through the motions, hanging the linens on the clothesline at the B&B, but a soft blush covered her cheeks from thinking of Jacob and his desire for her. It was the same desire she felt for him, but was afraid to admit even to herself. Happiness had been a long time in coming to her, and she still feared it would leave her if she blinked too long. Abby’s presence was the only thing that kept her grounded.
Jacob's Daughter (An Amish, Christian Romance) Page 8