Vicious Circles

by JL Paul

  If I hadn’t been watching her so intently, I would have missed the quick look she gave Spencer before smiling warmly at me. “Sure, but Spencer rode up here with me and he needs a ride back home.”

  “He can ride back with me,” Collin offered. “He can help me unload all the equipment and take me to drop off the rental van.” He punched Spencer playfully in the arm. “You don’t mind, do you?”

  “Not at all,” Spencer quipped. He fluttered his lashes at Collin. “Will you buy me lunch?”

  Collin chuckled. “Sure, big guy. We’ll stop on the way back and I’ll buy you a kid’s meal with a toy.”

  Irelyn sat silently next to Lucas, hardly touching her food or saying a word. She would be the easiest to crack, I knew, for I could see the restraint in her face. She was doing everything in her power to not blow up at the table.

  Yeah, I’d have to deal with her later tonight.

  We packed up our belongings, hung out with Daddy and Steffi for a bit, and finally hit the road late that morning. Steffi hugged me extra long so she could whisper in my ear.

  “Tell them all the truth, Bailey. Tell each one of them the truth,” she said. “You all need to hash this out and figure out where to go.”

  I nodded, composing my face before I stepped back, and pecked her cheek. “I’ll call you later.”

  ***

  Morgan chattered happily as we drove, sandwiched between Collin’s van and Luke’s truck in our own little convoy. She talked about how cute Otis was and wondered what he’d weigh when he was full grown and how we should enroll him in obedience classes. I let her words wash over me as I tossed things around in my head, wondering if I should just ask her outright if she had a thing for Collin. I needed to tell her what had happened but I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting her. She was so sweet – even if she had been suffering from a long, drawn out bout of PMS lately.

  In the end, I decided it would be best to wait until we were home. I told myself it was because she was driving and I didn’t want to distract her but in all actuality, I wanted to be in a position where I could escape if I had to. I would stand up to any fight and not back down from any bully – but I couldn’t stand to see hurt on Morgan’s gentle face.

  Spencer called my cell when we reached the halfway home mark and suggested we all pull over at the nearest fast food joint to eat. I consulted with Morgan and we agreed.

  Morgan parked in the lot of a burger joint. Everyone got out of their vehicles, stretching their legs. It was only a two and a half hour drive but for some reason, it seemed like a lot longer.

  Collin’s eyes sought mine after we got our food and found a big table. I raised a brow before dropping my head over my tray. The t-shirt he was wearing was loose and old – one he probably wore when he did heavy, dirty work – and occasionally, when I chanced a glance at him, I could see the bite mark peeking out from under the collar. My constant reminder of how good it could be if only I wasn’t involved in a love triangle. No – it was more of a love circle – a vicious, blood thirsty one at that - and I was stuck in the middle like the little dot you placed the tip of your compass on when measuring circumference. And let me just say – I loathe anything to do with mathematics.

  He sat there, all nonchalant with his brother and his cousin, and for some reason, it drove my heart insane. Just to watch him be – just to see him chatting normally with those around him made me love him even more.

  I was seriously considering some heavy duty therapy.

  We finished eating and hit the road again. The icy shoulder Irelyn had given me earlier that morning had worsened during lunch and made me long for a sweater. A thick one. And it was July!

  When we finally got home, I dashed down the hall to fetch Otis. Mrs. Wesley wasn’t eager to give him up but I promised her she could puppy-sit every time I needed her. She kissed Otis’s furry head and reluctantly handed him to me. I cuddled him to my chest, stroking his soft fur while he wiggled and squirmed, wanting only to kiss my cheeks, and remembered the day Collin brought him here. I remembered how Collin and Morgan had shared that look and I wondered what had happened after that. Obviously nothing to make them a couple or else he wouldn’t have…well, we wouldn’t have had sex on the beach.

  I sucked in a deep, cleansing breath as I stood outside the condo door, preparing to enter and fix this mess one way or another.

  “Hello, sweetie,” Morgan cooed as she eased the puppy from my arms. She sank to the floor and bestowed sweet kisses all over his face. I wandered to the refrigerator, stalling for time, and located a bottle of water from the back. I leaned against the counter, leg shaking in agitation, and pondered what to say to start the conversation.

  “Screw it,” I shrugged.

  With a sigh, I went back into the living room and stood over Morgan. She glanced up at me, alarmed.

  “Okay, Morg – cut the shit. You’ve been mopey for weeks then sunshine and rainbows all of a sudden. What the hell is going on?”

  She dropped her eyes to Otis. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Don’t lie to me,” I said. “We’re friends.”

  She nodded slowly, patted Otis’s head, and stood. “Yes, we are. Friends. And friends go out of their way to avoid hurting each other, right?”

  “That’s exactly right,” I said, swallowing my guilt. “They try like hell, at least.”

  “So, why do you keep insisting on hurting Spencer?” she accused, her face glowing a bright red. “Do you know what you’re doing to him?”

  “Spencer?” I asked, stunned. “What about him?”

  “Bailey, he was in love with you,” she said. “And you just ended things without much of an explanation.”

  “Wait a minute,” I said, holding up my hands. “Hang on – Spencer said everything was cool. He told me we were fine.”

  “Of course he did,” Morgan said, her face growing a deeper, darker shade of red. “That’s what he wants you to think. He doesn’t want to hurt you!”

  I rolled my eyes at her theatrics and gulped at my water. “If he’s so hurt and so in love with me, then why does he act normal and all Spencer-like?”

  “That’s just it –it’s an act,” Morgan said.

  “No, it’s not,” I said, anger brimming to the surface. “And I think I know Spencer just a little bit better than you.”

  “Maybe in the biblical sense,” she said, her angry red turning into an embarrassed red. “But I’ve talked to him. I’ve talked to him a lot lately. He called me the day after you two broke up and cried on my shoulder.”

  “Seriously?” I whispered, stunned. She nodded. “Damn!”

  My curse was so loud that it sent Otis scurrying under a chair, tail tucked between his legs.

  “And then this boyfriend act with Collin over the weekend,” Morgan threw in my face. “That was really the icing on the cake.”

  Pain deadened her eyes and weighed down my heart. Icing on whose cake – hers? Or Spencer’s? Or both?

  “I’m sorry, Morg,” I said as I dropped my eyes from her face. “Really.”

  “Don’t apologize to me,” she said, her voice hard. “Bailey, I understand that you don’t like Spencer that way and I think you were right to break things off with him. But when you said all that stuff about Collin pretending to be your boyfriend and then we saw that mark on his neck – that was going a little too far.”

  If only she knew…

  “Why do you care so much?” I asked.

  “Because I feel so sorry for him,” she said. “He was so pitiful.”

  Just great. Heap more guilt on me – I can never have enough. “He should have talked to me. He should have told me how he was feeling.”

  “Why?” Morgan demanded. “Would you have taken him back?”

  “Well, no,” I admitted. “But I wouldn’t have behaved certain ways.”

  “What ways?” she asked in a low, scary voice. “Like a whore?”

  She could have hit me in the head with a
crowbar and it wouldn’t have packed quite the punch as her comment. I turned my head, bit back my retort, and then lifted my chin.

  “Maybe,” I whispered. “Maybe not. I need some air.”

  I grabbed my keys and my bag and stormed out of the condo.

  ***

  Okay, so why was it a surprise to me to hear my best friend voice her opinion? Did I think that Morgan was the only person on the earth – besides my Daddy – that didn’t think of me that way?

  And what was this stuff with Spencer being in love with me? Surely, Morgan misunderstood. He’d never acted that way when we were together. He definitely never told me. There I was believing he was over me and that was one less person who would be hurt should anyone find out that I’d slept with Collin. Twice.

  Running my hair through my fingers, I decided that I might as well confront Irelyn while I was on a roll. Maybe once she got all her yelling and screaming out of the way, I could talk to her and tell her what was really going on. I’d tried to help unburden her guilt a few months ago, maybe she’d help with mine.

  I parked in front of her building, relieved that Lucas’s truck was nowhere to be seen. It was getting close to dinner time so I didn’t imagine he’d be gone long – all three of those boys had some sort of internal clocks that went off at meal times – never allowing them to miss a meal.

  Irelyn met me at the door, phone in her hand. My heart fell to my feet – Morgan had beat me to her.

  “I guess you’ve been talking to Morgan,” I said as I brushed past her and entered the apartment.

  “Yes,” she hissed. “Damn it, Bailey, what is going on?”

  “Go ahead,” I smirked. “Get it out of your system.”

  “You knew that Spencer would be upset with this little Collin charade but did you even think about Morgan? I’m sure it broke her heart! And then the hickey…”

  “It wasn’t a hickey,” I interrupted, trying to lighten the mood. “I did not suck on his neck. I just bit him.”

  “I’m glad you find this hilarious.”

  “Not particularly. My head has been a messed up jumble for a while now,” I said.

  Irelyn paused briefly in her tirade to study my face. I hoped she would see the sincerity and the guilt that had been hiding behind my eyes for weeks. I hoped she knew how truly sorry I was for everything that I had caused. I hoped she’d forgive me if I drew the courage to tell her about sleeping with Collin.

  But her eyes hardened and gone was my understanding friend. Gone was the girl who’d been so confused and hurt and stressed last year – the very one that I’d done what I could to help. Apparently, she’d forgotten about all that in her anger.

  “Why is your head all messed up?” she asked.

  “It’s a long story and you don’t have the time,” I said like a coward.

  “I’ll make time,” she said. “I even chased Lucas out of the house after Morgan called because I figured you’d come here.”

  Hmm, maybe she might not totally side with Morgan. I sighed heavily. “It’s not a pretty story and you might not like it a whole lot.”

  “Tell me,” she said.

  “Well, let’s see. It started a few weeks ago when I discovered that I didn’t really have feelings for Spencer any longer – that I sort of had them for someone else. Someone that I … well…I fell in love with,” I said, avoiding her eyes.

  But she was having none of that. “Bailey! You’re in love with someone?”

  “Geez, don’t make it sound like a miracle. It could happen. It has,” I said.

  Giggling, she hugged me, easing me into a false sense of comfort. “Aww. Who is it?”

  I drew back and bit my lip. “Does Lucas have any beer here?”

  “Sure,” Irelyn said. “Help yourself. But isn’t it a little early? And do you know what - you’ve been drinking a lot lately.”

  “Don’t preach,” I growled. “I know I have been. I just need to sort things out then I’ll concentrate on the drinking. Cut me a break.”

  “Okay,” Irelyn said, softly. “Finish your story. Tell me who you’re in love with. Does he love you, too? Does he even know?”

  “Can I talk?” I asked, the bottle shaking ever so slightly in my nervous hand.

  Irelyn nodded.

  “Okay. So, I realize that things will probably never work between me and this guy but I know that I need to break up with Spencer because I don’t want to lead him on.”

  I chanced a quick glance at her –not wanting to offend her after the ordeal she’d gone through with Dustin and Lucas, but wanting her to understand exactly why I’d ended things with Spencer.

  “Okay, that’s understandable,” she said. “Go on.”

  “So, we all go to Rusty’s the night after me and Spence split,” I continued then took a swig of the beer. “And afterwards, we all went to Collin’s place, remember?”

  “Yes,” she said slowly, narrowing her eyes. “I do. You stayed there after everyone left and got hammered with Collin.”

  “I’ll say,” I murmured under my breath.

  She gasped as her hand flew to her heart. “No. Oh, damn. Oh, hell. Bailey, tell me you didn’t!”

  I lifted a shoulder and turned my head. “I could tell you I didn’t but that wouldn’t be true.”

  “Damn!” she cursed as she paced the living room. I could hear soft swears rumble from her lips and I knew Mount Irelyn was about to erupt. “Lucas said that you two slept together that night – he said he could tell by the way Collin was acting. But I didn’t believe him. I didn’t think you’d do that to Morgan.”

  “Hold on, now,” I said as I reached out and grabbed her arm to stop her pacing. “In my defense, I had no idea that Morgan liked Collin at that time. If you’ll recall, you told me the next day when I was scarfing down a greasy cheeseburger to cure my hangover. I didn’t know until then.”

  Irelyn studied my face briefly then nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. So, what, this night with Collin was just once – just a drunken thing?”

  Before I could stop it, the truth fluttered across my face. Irelyn’s eyes grew in horror.

  “You’ve slept with him since?”

  No use lying. “Once.”

  “After you found out that Morgan was in love with him?” she nearly screamed.

  “Hell, yeah,” I screamed back. “And I’m sorry, okay. So sorry. But she’s not the only one who loves him!”

  The silence was ten times louder than the cars that cruised the main strip with their rap music thumping and rattling windows. And the pause between us was like a tiny crack in our friendship. I wondered it if would expand or if we’d manage to seal it before it caused more damage.

  “Irelyn, think about it,” I pleaded. “Do you honestly think I’d do anything to purposely hurt Morgan?”

  “I didn’t think you would,” she said avoiding my eyes. “When did you sleep with him again? Was it Friday night? Was it after he pretended to be your boyfriend?”

  I refused to lie anymore. From now on, I’d be straight with both of them. “Yeah, it was.”

  “And you didn’t think to use any restraint?” she said as she spun around to face me. “For Morgan’s sake?”

  “Did you?” I spit back at her. “Did you think to use restraint for Dustin’s sake?”

  I knew that was hitting below the belt but damn if I was going to let her do this to me. I’d been carrying enough guilt around with me to where I was going to need a wheelbarrow pretty soon. And even though I detested seeing the flicker of pain shoot through her eyes, I had to get my point across.

  “My situation was totally different,” she whispered. “And you told me you understood.”

  “I did,” I said, my voice softening. “Now I’m asking you to understand. I love him, Irelyn. I truly love Collin. I’m not just messing around.”

  “Morgan loves him, too,” she said, not budging from her earlier point. “Morgan who is too shy to say anything to anyone. Morgan who deserves to not have her heart
broken.”

  “So that’s just it, huh?” I asked as my heart broke. “That’s the way you think this should go. You think I should just step aside and let Morgan take a shot at him?”

  “Yes,” she said, eyes on mine. “I do.”

  I nodded, my lips screwed up in thought. “I see. So, we’ll all cheer on sweet little Morgan and hope that Collin feels the same way for her. It doesn’t matter what Bailey feels though, right? Because Bailey’s feelings don’t really count.”

  “That’s not true,” Irelyn said, shaking her head. “That’s not true at all. You and Morgan are two entirely different people – with different personalities.”

  “I got you,” I said as my heart split down the middle. “I know, Irelyn, it’s all right. I understand. Let’s let the good girl get the good boy because everyone knows that the bad girl doesn’t really love anyone anyway. Right?”

  “Bailey,” Irelyn tried to protest.

  “Shut up,” I barked. “Don’t worry about me. You’re right – sweet Morgan will never fall in love again but Bailey – shit, she’ll have a new guy next week.” I set the bottle down easily on the coffee table. “I need to get out of here for awhile. Don’t worry, I won’t say a word to Morgan or Spencer about when I had sex with Collin. We’ll keep it a secret so no one gets hurt.”

  “Bailey, do not leave,” Irelyn said. “We’re not through here.”

  “I am,” I said, my insides shaking. “I’m way through here.”

  I yanked the door open and jogged down the stairs, too agitated to wait for the elevator. I needed a real drink and a little space away from my friends. Things certainly hadn’t gone like I’d thought they would and I needed to rethink my decisions. And my options. And my heart.

  Chapter Eleven

  Not sure what to do at that point, I returned to the condo. I braced for Morgan’s explosion but all was quiet when I opened the door. Well, except for Otis’s excited yips drifting in from the kitchen.

  “Morg, are you here?” I called as I paused in the mouth of the hallway. Nothing.

  With a shrug, I went into the kitchen to release Otis from his crate. He jumped on my legs, happy barks emitting from his mouth.