Break Me Down
Tasha Gwartney
Copyright © 2014 by Tasha Gwartney
All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without prior written permission of copyright holders.
This is a work of fiction. All characters, places, and events are from the author’s imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to real places, people, or events is coincidental. All trademarks, service marks, registered trademarks, and registered service marks are the property of their respective owners and are used herein for identification purposes only.
This book is dedicated first and foremost to GOD who always picks me up when I fall, and to my wonderful husband and gorgeous little man, who have always supported me in any crazy scheme that I have wanted to get into. I also want to dedicate this book to the readers that will take this long journey down an uncertain path with me. I have created this world, picked it out of my imagination and brought it to life on paper for you to enjoy, but with each page you turn, you are the breath that keeps this world alive, that keeps this journey everlasting. So thank you. Without readers, stories lay stagnant, collecting dust.
Chapter One
Dear Diary,
I feel like I’m standing at the very top of a cliff, on the edge, and the only way to go is down.
I’m not quite sure how I got here, to be honest. I’m trying to remember back to the time that I was the girl that I used to be, the one that saw the good in everything, the one that brought the optimism to every situation. I miss her.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m spiraling down a path unknown, and I don’t know how to find my way back to the light. I’m broken, and I don’t know how to save myself. I was raised a Christian, but lately, I’ve had such a hard time finding my faith with all the cards I’ve been dealt.
I’m trying to find peace, I’m trying to fix my faith in God, but how can I do that? If I’m going through this much pain, how is there possibly a God?
I’m not sure where to turn anymore, which is why I write to you. I don’t particularly like writing my bare words, my heart on paper for someone to possibly find, but the thought of saying all of my dark thoughts out loud scares me so deeply.
I’m lost and I feel alone and the truth is I feel like I’m dying. This life is killing me slowly.
The sad part is that I’ve been living with this secret since it happened. The only optimism I can find in it is the fact that my dad got that job offer all those months before it happened, and I was able to run away from everything.
What happened to me, it took a part of me that I’m not sure will ever return. I’m stuck in this darkness, but unlike most darkness, there’s no light at the end of this tunnel. It’s permanent.
I’m falling down, and I don’t know how to get up. Why does it hurt so badly? Life shouldn’t be this hard for an eighteen year old girl. I guess it goes to show that life just isn’t fair and no matter how good you are as a person, you’ll never be able to be happy.
Setting down the pen in the spine of her journal, Shay Lawson closed the journal and took a deep breath, staring at the salad that sat in front of her in her favorite restaurant, The Heart Attack Grill. Picking up the fork, she began gently picking at the salad while reflecting on all that had happened leading up to that moment.
It was only ten months ago that her parents informed her that they would be leaving their life in Tampa, Florida to relocate to the small town of Chandler, Arizona. She remembered when she first learned about the news of her dad’s new, better paying job, she had been mildly upset and angered.
Her life was in Florida; it was where she grew up! Not only did it mean she had to leave her hometown, but everyone she loved was located in Tampa. It was home. It wasn’t until the circumstance that changed her life that she grew relieved about getting out of that town. Upon leaving Tampa, she became ecstatic to know that she didn’t have to face everything that had gone wrong. She slept a little better knowing that she could wake up and not have to see him ever again in her life.
Leaving didn’t stop the recurring nightmares, though. It didn’t stop the dark path that she was heading down, or the fear that came with living every single day. It didn’t stop her from flinching every time someone touched her from behind, or the fact that she didn’t believe in good anymore.
Worst of all, she convinced herself that leaving would be the best thing for her. She thought if she left she would be free, but the truth was she wasn’t free at all. She was still a prisoner in her own skin. All she wanted to do was give up. Her life meant nothing; every hope, every dream, everything she’d ever wanted, it all vanished. Nothing really meant anything anymore.
She was numb, her life a dull blackness that only worsened with each day that passed. Days flew by without her knowledge, she was losing time and she didn’t know how to stop it. The light that she had once had in her eyes had completely vanished. The warmth she used to have in her heart had turned to coldness and emptiness. She was living in a hell she couldn’t escape.
And she didn’t have a savior. She never would either. Nothing in her world would ever be the same again. She’d never be the same person she was in her old life, and the reality of that made her want to hide under a rock for the rest of her days.
“Is there anything else I can get for you?” The blonde waitress asked, her blue eyes wide, her smile revealing her white teeth.
“No, thank you. Can I please just have the check?” Shay asked. She was always good at putting on a front. She could mask her pain just enough for everyone to believe she was pretty happy with her life. She could push all the tears back inside as if she was an actress on a stage.
The last thing she needed was anyone getting close to her. People always let her down; that’s how it was. There was no one in the world to trust. Sure, her parents would always be there if she spoke up to them, but she wouldn’t burden them with the secret that dragged her down daily. They didn’t see the pain that was written all over her face, nor did they hear the whimpers from the nights that she cried herself to sleep, and she would do her best in order to keep
it that way for as long as she possibly could. If she had it her way, it would be forever.
“Of course, I’ll be right back.” The waitress smiled then turned on her heel and disappeared.
Shay looked out the window just as the summer wind began to pick up, blowing the leaves in the process. She always loved summer; it had been her favorite time of the year for as long as she could remember. She loved the smell of the ground hugging the air, the nights where you could almost taste the mist in the air. She remembered all the times she’d go sit by the lake and write the afternoon away with the poetry that always defined her. It was the one thing he couldn’t ever take away from her. It was the one place where no one could take anything more from her than had already been taken. It was the place that she could write and vent her heart out and, at the end of the day, her secrets would still be safe, yet also let her get all her emotions out.
“Here you go ma’am. Have a nice night.” The waitress placed the check in front of her on the table. It was five dollars and fifty cents. Digging in her purse, she pulled out the money, left it on the table, and left the restaurant.
Arriving back at her house, Shay set the keys to her Maserati on the counter, along with her purse. A year ago, she would have been happy about the house her parents picked. It was warm and loving and a place that she could actually call home. There was an upstairs with five bedrooms. Her room was on the opposite side of her parents’. The kitchen was huge, with hardwood floors and yellow walls. The living
room was over sized, and it contained red leather couches and a coffee table between the couch and the arm-chair.
Shay rarely spent time down here. She kept to herself, even at home. She spent a tremendous amount of time in her bedroom writing, or sketching, away. Recently, all her sketches were dark, they had been for months. Everything in her life was dark lately, especially when it came to her thoughts.
“Shay? Is that you?” Shay heard her father call from the top of the stairs. He stood in a suit and had a smile on his face at the sight of his daughter. He looked to her like she was his entire world.
Little did he know how broken she really was.
“Yeah,” she responded, her voice emotionless.
“Your mother and I have a fundraiser to go to tonight. Are you going to be alright by yourself, honey,” he asked, erasing the little distance left that stood between them. The relationship she had with her father was always valuable to her. They once were extremely close and inseparable. He was always there for her, and anytime she needed or wanted something, he always had her back, even in the moments when she was wrong. In the moment when everything was taken from her she no longer knew how to reach out to him to tell him she was suffering and needing him. She no longer knew how to let him, or anyone else, in.
“Daddy, I’ll be fine. I always am,” she lied confidently. She was okay, yes, but honestly, she wasn’t fine at all. She hadn’t been fine for a while.
“Baby doll, I’m so worried about you,” Nicholas Lawson told his daughter, his blue eyes filling with concern for the one person he’d give his life for. He hated seeing his daughter in this state. He may have not gone to medical school to be a shrink, but he did know that his daughter wasn’t the girl she used to be. Even more than that, he knew she was suffering. The girl he raised from the moment she was born wasn’t the girl he stared at now, and more than anything it broke his heart because she was such a strong, spirited, and bright girl. The girl he looked at now just looked broken.
“I know, Daddy. I’m okay. Go out. Have fun,” Shay told him. She loved her parents more than anything, and they’d always been there for her. Though they worked a lot, they always made sure Shay was getting what she needed. They always put her first.
“Sweetheart, you know can tell your mother and me anything right? No matter what?” Nicholas asked in a concerned tone, making sure that whatever she was hiding, she knew one hundred percent that he and her mother were there. And they’d do their damnedest to help.
“I know Daddy, but I promise there is nothing to tell. I’m kind of tired. I think I’m going to head upstairs to write for a little bit, and then go to sleep,” she stated, just wanting to avoid any more of this conversation. It didn’t do either of them any good to discuss it.
“Okay, there’s leftover lasagna in the fridge. Or you can order pizza or takeout,” Nicholas informed Shay as he handed her a one-hundred dollar bill. It didn’t really surprise her anymore; it wasn’t like they couldn’t afford it.
“Thank you.” She appreciated that. Her father then pulled her into his arms and held on to his little girl for dear life before pulling away.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Daddy,” she said as the tear fell from her eyes. She hated keeping her parents in the dark. She knew they were worried, but she wouldn’t be the person to ruin their life the way her life had been ruined by that monster. She’d keep this secret with her until she was cold and dead. It was the only way. Even if it meant she lived in darkness and fear for the rest of her life.
Chapter Two
Sitting in the red leather chair in the principal’s office, Brice stared out the window while he waited on her to arrive. He started remembering all the moments in the past four years that he sat in this very seat waiting for another lecture. He let a smirk creep onto his face, remembering just how much trouble he always got himself into, how much time over the years he wasted with his shenanigans, but despite it all he always managed to keep a 4.0 average. He was somehow a straight-A student, even while skipping classes.
Hearing the door open, Brice turned his head slowly and watched the principal make her way to her desk, so that she was sitting across from him. He wanted to believe that he was called into Mrs. Spencer’s office for some other reason than what he had been in the past, but he knew it would be the same speech he had been receiving from her for the past four years. Now here he was on the day of graduation – the graduation he was skipping – waiting for the same thing he dreaded each time. A smirk came over his face when he realized the irony in that. Nothing ever really changes, does it?
“Mr. Sheridan,” she greeted him with a smile. “Thank you for coming in today. I know that you didn’t have to, and I’m sorry for any inconvenience that this causes you.”
“The pleasure’s all mine,” he said cockily. “Care to elaborate on why you wanted me to come in the first place though,” Brice questioned. He dreamt of a million things that he would rather be doing than sitting in the place he practically lived in while in high school.
“Brice, during your years here, you were here in my office more than you were even in class. Drinking, spray-painting the walls, skipping class, talking back to teachers, you’ve done it all. Yet you were always one of my best students despite it all. I still have no idea how, but I always admired that. I called you into my office to see if you changed your mind about the scholarship you’ve been awarded. You’re such a bright kid and I want to see you have the bright future that you so rightfully deserve.”
“I haven’t changed my mind; it isn’t for me. Can I go now,” Brice snapped, not bothering to acknowledge what she said to him. Truth was, he wasn’t smart, so why the hell would he ever think of college? His entire life he knew he was doomed to fail. Sure, he managed to pass high school with flying colors, but that didn’t mean college was for him. It just meant he paid attention. What could he possibly become?
“As you wish, Brice. But before you do, I would advise you to step up your game. You’re a very intelligent and wonderful young man. Despite all your behavior you managed to somehow pass every single class, with an A I might add, and graduate with your class. It’s your behavior that got you in trouble.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard this speech before. I have potential so I shouldn’t waste it.” Brice mocked her lecture from all the previous times he sat in that very seat.
“Maybe you should stop trying to cut me so much slack. It is what it is. Stop holding out for me. I’m not going to change. I’m never going to be that good kid, I’m never going to get into college, and I’m never going to be anything. Nothing important, anyway,” Brice assured her. Giving her one last look, Brice shook his head and left the room, not giving her the ability to get even one more word out.
Standing in the parking lot, he found his way to his motorcycle and hopped on, fleeing from the building as fast as possible. He was going as fast as his bike would take him on a back road. With the wind touching his face, he felt free. Having one parent who didn’t give a damn about him, and one who worked too hard to give him everything he needed or even wanted, he didn’t understand how he got his brains in the first place.
His parents divorced four years ago when he was fourteen and since then he lived with his mother in their over-sized house. Deep down, he knew that none of this was her fault. His dad cheated, and that was all there really was to say on the issue. His mother had given his father everything and more, but that still didn’t keep him happy enough. He responded by starting an affair with a woman who was ten years younger than him.
His father moved out the moment that his mother found him in their bed with the other woman after she’d come home sick from work. Rather than trying to fight for his mother, his father took the easy way out and moved in with his mistress. They married only a few months later.
Since then he’d only seen his father three times and each time, it had only been convenient for him. His mother was all Brice had left; she was always doing w
hat was best for him, although he didn’t always deserve it. He would give up everything just to make things easier on his mother. He only ever wanted to make her happy, and he’d gladly give his life for her if he ever had the choice.
***
“Brice? Is that you?” His mom, Kris, called from the kitchen when he stepped through the door of his home. He figured she was on her lunch break and came home to see him because it was the middle of the day. She typically worked really long nights at the office. She made a career of being a lawyer, so she worked long hours, but even when she was home, Brice only seemed to push her away.
“Yeah, Mom it’s me,” Brice told her, dreading the conversation that was to come in the next few minutes.
“Where have you been,” she wondered, knowing that he had the day off from work. It wasn’t really like him to go out often when he was off. He liked to be able to just stay home and play on his guitar.
“Mrs. Spencer called me for a meeting at the school,” he explained with a twisted look upon his face. He didn’t understand why his principal was pushing so hard; he didn’t think that he ever would understand either. His entire time through school all he ever did was cause trouble. Yes, he was able to pass, but that didn’t change how bad his behavior had been, so why did she care so much? He wasn’t going places, he was destined to be a mechanic; nothing special ever came from being a Sheridan, look at his father.
“Oh.” Kris spoke, intrigued. “What was it that she wanted to see you for?”
“I got offered a scholarship back in April; it would pay for ten thousand dollars’ worth of my tuition. I wrote an essay a while back for a class assignment. The English teacher thought it was phenomenal I guess, and showed it to Mrs. Spencer, who then submitted it to one of those college scholarship sites. I didn’t even know it was legal to do that. Oh well,” Brice joked, wanting to get off the subject.
“What do you mean oh well, Brandon? That’s great news and an awesome opportunity! Do you know how many people actually cannot afford to go to college,” Kris protested when noticing that Brice was pulling away from the college idea.
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