Break Me Down

by Tasha Gwartney

  “I’m incredibly glad to see you here.” Mrs. Spencer’s voice announced her presence beside him. When he turned to look at her, she had a huge grin on her face and her eyes lit up with joy.

  “If I’m being honest here, I didn’t think I’d ever be here,” he admitted. “I’ve always thought I was destined to fail; I never imagined college.”

  “I always knew you had it in you, Brice. Though, I am curious. You told me that I was wasting my time believing that you would ever amount to anything. What changed your mind?”

  “My mother. She believes in me in a way that no other does, and you can try to convince me that it’s what a mother does, but it’s different with her. She sees the best in me when I don’t even deserve it.”

  “I’m glad to hear that Brice, and I wish you all the best in whatever it is you do, but please, just stay out of trouble.” She smiled.

  “I’ll try.” He winked, and Mrs. Spencer placed a hand on his shoulder and parted ways with him. For the first time, he admitted he’d taken a liking to her.

  Turning around, he saw the door to the school open. A familiar figure walked through, which made him smile. Shay. What a small world. Moving from his spot, he made his way to her. She stood looking at a poster for Chandler-Gilbert Community College. She was completely oblivious to his presence. He stared at her for the longest time, noticing that she looked upset and confused, but more in pain than anything. In that moment, Brice wanted to help someone other than himself.

  “Rough day?” Brice asked her.

  She jumped a little and looked up at him. She was obviously surprised. “You could say that.”

  “Care to share? I’m a great listener.”

  “Not really.” She had an edge to her voice. She was holding on for dear life right now. She was so close to letting it all go and breaking down in the middle of this school.

  “Oh come on, what would it hurt?” Brice challenged her with a smile.

  “Why do you care, you barely know me,” Shay asked, curious to hear what he’d say.

  “What if I said I’d like to get to know you?” Brice asked honestly.

  “I’d say that would be a big mistake,” Shay warned. And it was true; she was a lost cause and a guy like him didn’t need to be around someone like her. She wasn’t good for anyone.

  “I don’t believe that. You’re interesting, you know. Ever since I knocked you over in that restaurant I knew it. You’re a mystery; you don’t give much of yourself away, and I’d like to get to know you as I previously mentioned.” Every word was true.

  Usually when he said things like this to a girl, he was trying to get in her pants, but that wasn’t what he wanted. Sure, she’d probably be great in bed. Under all the baggy clothes she was wearing she probably had a beautiful body, but he just wanted to know more about her.

  Shay said nothing, and the silence was never ending. Before she knew it the meeting was over, but rather than feel the relief she thought she’d feel, she felt uneasy to have to go home and face her friends. Walking to her car, she began to shake as all the memories assaulted her. When she reached the car, she dropped her keys. When she went to pick them up she butted heads with someone else. Brice. God, wouldn’t he just go away?

  “What the hell?” Shay almost screamed.

  “Here,” Brice said, rubbing his head with one hand while holding out her keys with the other.

  “Thanks,” she said.

  “Sorry about bumping into your head.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “What are you doing right now?” Brice asked hopefully.

  “Going home,” she replied regretfully.

  “But you don’t want to.” Observant, he was.

  “It’s a long story,” she admitted.

  “Come with me then, I have time.”

  “I don’t even know you,” Shay said. The whole thing was way too weird. “And you don’t know me, so what the hell is all of this about?”

  “The truth is, you look like you could use a friend, and that’s something I lack. I mean I have friends, but no real ones. And I could use one. What do you say? Just a burger. If you never want to see me again after that, I’ll never bother you.”

  Every instinct in her body was telling her to walk away, go home. He’s just like every other guy. He’ll pretend to be your friend, and then in the blink of an eye he’ll turn on you. But she had two choices: go with Brice, or go home and face the reality that was her past. And she’d do anything to avoid that.

  “Are we taking my car or yours?”

  ***

  Sitting across from each other at a table, Shay sipped a cup of coffee while Brice watched her admirably in the small café he took her to. Rather than taking one car, and having one of them with no way to do things the next day, he’d just driven his bike while she followed.

  She wasn’t entirely sure what she was even doing here. She was certain that Brice should just leave her alone. Not because there was anything wrong with him, but for his sake. She wasn’t good enough to be anyone’s friend. Deep inside she was empty, and no one wanted a friend who was that empty.

  “Where are you from again?” Brice asked after taking a sip of his chocolate milkshake.

  “Florida,” she replied sadly.

  “You don’t sound happy about that,” Brice observed as he finished off the rest of his meal.

  “It’s a long story that I really don’t want to talk about,” Shay said.

  “We don’t have to talk about it then. What do you say we get out of here?” Brice suggested. “How about I take you someplace?”

  “What kind of place?” she asked, taking out her wallet so she could pay.

  “A nice place, and put your money away; I’ve got this,” Brice insisted.

  “But you bought me that iPod, it’s the least I can do,” she argued.

  “Your iPod wouldn’t have been ruined if I had been paying attention. Please just don’t fight me on this. You don’t have to pay, it’s really okay. I can afford it,” Brice told her.

  And it was true. With his job at the garage and his mom being a lawyer, he didn’t need to worry about money.

  “Okay, fine. So, where’s this place?” Shay asked as they walked outside.

  “How do you feel about heights?” Brice asked.

  “I don’t like them very much,” she admitted.

  “Come on. We’re not driving, we’re going to walk.” He told her as he led her to a big clearing.

  It was beautiful. If you looked straight ahead you could see the sun that sat right above the mountains. He led her further into the field, which held a cliff just above a river. As they stood on the edge looking down, the river began to speed up. The waves flowed fast as the wind blew.

  She wondered if she could slow it down by throwing something at it, but decided the river wouldn’t even notice. She wondered what it would be like to jump in. If it would take all her memories away, since nothing else seemed to work.

  “It’s pretty cool right?” Brice asked, pulling her back to reality.

  “Yeah. It is. Do you come here often,” she asked.

  “Only when I need to think. It’s a nice place to dump your thoughts.” Brice told her peacefully, recalling all the times he came out here and got drunk after having a bad day.

  “You don’t seem like the kind of person who comes to a place to dump your thoughts,” Shay admitted.

  “Well, maybe you just don’t know me that well. We could change that you know.”

  Backing away from the edge, she turned away from him. Why did he want to get to know her so bad? She was nothing special. In fact, she wasn’t anything at all. “Look, Brice, I have to go. You don’t want to know me. I’m no one, nothing but a distant memory fading away.”

  “I do want to know you though, and I don’t know why or even how it happened, but I feel like I have to know you. You’re different than most girls,” Brice said, making her feel weak.

  “Definitely different,” she murmu
red. Pain ripped at her chest.

  “Good different,” he clarified.

  “Brice, we can’t be friends. We just can’t,” Shay said. She disappeared, leaving behind a disappointed Brice.

  She didn’t go home. She didn’t care where she was going, but she couldn’t face her past being in her home. She’d drive all night if she had to.

  Chapter Five

  “Where have you been?” Jennifer scolded Shay the second that she walked through the door, hours later. It was around seven and after telling Brice to forget about her, she drove for hours as fast as she could down a back road. She wanted to get lost; she wanted to go as fast as she possibly could down a road until there wasn’t any more road left. For a moment, while caught up in the riskiness, Shay wanted to forget that everything in her world was falling apart, and she wanted to be free, or at least pretend for a little bit.

  “I went out with someone I met at the fair. That’s all.”

  “Someone who?” Her mom was worried but happy. She hadn’t really gone out much with anyone, she didn’t really have friends here that Jennifer had noticed. Not that they talked very much either.

  “Just someone I met, okay? I’m really tired and I don’t want to talk about it. Is that okay with you?” Shay snapped, walking up the stairs.

  “You left your friends here all day long. How could you do that?”

  “I just lost track of time. I thought this is what you wanted. For me to make friends. I’m not a child anymore; I can make my own choices. I didn’t ask you to invite them here; you did that without asking me how I felt. Did you ever think for one moment that I wasn’t ready to see them yet?” Shay shouted at her mother. She’d never yelled at her mom before. They were always so close, but she’d had enough.

  “I didn’t think you’d mind. I thought you missed them,” her mom said, clearly worried. She feared she might have pushed Shay even farther away.

  “I do, Mom, but I wasn’t ready to face them. Not yet. Especially not David. I can’t believe you, Dad, and Chris would let me walk into that without letting me know. I needed time to adjust to this, and you didn’t even ask once!” Tears began to prick her eyes and she found herself wanting nothing more than to go hide away in her room and crumble.

  “Shay, I’m so sorry. You’ve been dealing with so much, something you won’t tell us about for whatever reason, and we just wanted to help. We had no idea that seeing your friends would upset you so much. Your father and I just wanted to make you happy,” Jennifer said, moving to stand in front of her.

  “I know, and I love you for that, but right now I just need space. I’m going to my room. Where is everyone?” Shay asked.

  “Everyone went down to the Heart Attack Grill for dinner,” her mom replied. Shay felt relief for the first time all day.

  “At least I won’t have to deal with Heather’s million questions for a while. Did Chris go?”

  “Yes. I think the only one who didn’t go was David, but I’m pretty sure he’s in one of the guest bedrooms. You’ll probably be free today, but you’ll have to face those guys tomorrow. You can’t hide forever Shay,” her mom said.

  Shay knew she was running further and further away from what happened, but she wasn’t ready to face them yet. One day, she knew she’d have to face them, face everything, face him, but right now she wasn’t ready to do any of it. She just wanted to walk right back out the door, and go stand on the edge of that cliff that Brice brought her to. She had half a mind to call him up and ask for directions.

  “Shay are you listening to me,” her mom asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.

  “Yes. I know I have to face them, but I just can’t right now,” she replied. “I didn’t even tell them I was leaving, I just left.”

  “And they forgave you for that. They just want to spend some time with you.”

  “I know. Look, I’m going to go shower. I’ll see you when you get back from Cali.”

  “Love you sweetheart. Things will work themselves out,” her mom responded. “They always do. That’s the great thing about this thing we call life, everything happens for a reason and we might not always know what that reason is, but in the end it’s worth it.”

  While turning to run up the stairs, Shay whispered, “I love you too.”

  After closing her door and turning around, she almost jumped out of her skin. David sat on her bed, looking straight at her. She imagined he wanted to yell at her and tell her how horrible of a person she was for treating him the way she had towards the end of their relationship. After the night in the locker room, she broke up with him. She couldn’t bear to be with anyone. She’d gladly spend the rest of her life alone if it meant she didn’t have to be touched by another guy.

  “David, what in the world are you doing in my bedroom,” she asked, trying to ignore his brown eyes drilling into her with both sadness and glee.

  He finally spoke, moving from the bed to erase the distance that was between them. “I wanted to talk to you. I had this entire speech planned out, but looking at you, all I can really do is tell you how beautiful you are. I’ve missed you. God, I’ve missed you so much,” he told her, placing his hand on her cheek.

  “Stop,” Shay told him. The feel of his touch reminded her of him. She couldn’t handle any of this.

  “Shay I love you, and you just left without any word,” David told her, inching his face closer to hers. Before she knew it, his lips were crushing hers.

  It was like the locker room all over again.

  She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t stop him. Why was he doing this to her? She had to make him stop. She couldn’t handle someone kissing her because it only made her think of him.

  “Stop. Just stop!” She pushed him off her and walked past him to her bookshelf.

  “What is the matter with you?” David asked, stepping closer.

  “Nothing, I just can’t. I can’t do this, any of it. You need to get out.” Shay pushed him away, she couldn’t deal with this right now. He kissed her and there was a time when she would have kissed him back, but it felt like a tragedy for her to be kissed by anyone.

  “What happened to you? You’ve changed so much,” David accused.

  “David,” she started to say.

  “I love you, and you couldn’t even tell me you were leaving. Did our six months together mean absolutely nothing to you? God, how selfish can you be?” He was shouting, and she just wanted to cover her ears and hide.

  Selfish? But then, wasn’t she? She abandoned everyone she loved because of something that happened to her. She left them all behind without even a simple goodbye. If that wasn’t selfish, then what was?

  She felt tears prick her eyes as his words hit her heart. She cared about David, yes, and she always would. She didn’t love him, but months ago she thought maybe one day she could. The chances of that happening anymore were very rare. She didn’t think she could love anyone, and no one could love her. She was dirty, useless. No one could ever love that.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Shay, you’re not selfish. I know you’re going through a hard time, or that’s what your parents told us, but we just want you to know that we’re here for you, we love you and we want you to lean on us,” David said. He truly regretted what he said. Of course he knew she wasn’t selfish; she was far from it. He just couldn’t understand how she left without even saying goodbye.

  “It’s not that far from the truth. I’m selfish. I left you and everyone else hanging without saying, well, anything. You should hate me for that, but I’m not going through anything; I’m fine. And I really wish people would stop telling me otherwise.” Shay tried to remain cold and emotionless while she spoke.

  “Shay, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean…”

  “Please just go. I just want to be alone,” she said.

  “Fine, I’ll go. But this conversation isn’t over; not by a long shot. I’ll fight for you. I don’t care how long it takes,” David said, opening the door and shutting it behind hi
m.

  Sitting on the edge of her bed, Shay felt the loneliness sneak up on her. Here she was, with so many people that cared about her, but she kept pushing them away until she was completely alone.

  She wanted to scream until she had no more voice.

  ***

  Dear Diary,

  How can you lose yourself in such a short amount of time?

  There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything. I never thought anything bad could happen to me. Some people have things handed to them; others earn everything they’ve ever wanted. Some people have good luck but my luck is shit. I get dealt all the wrong cards. I’m a broken shadow of who I used to be.

  I wake up each morning only to dread the day, to dread my life. Everything was stolen from me and I have no idea how to get it back. I’ve thought about telling someone so many times, but I can’t. I can’t load my own hell on someone else.

  His presence still lingers everywhere; it’s like I can’t escape. I feel like I’m drowning in my own memories. He haunts me every single day.I can still feel his hand as it touches me. I can still hear the sound of his voice, smell his strong scent.

  It’s all such torture.

  I just want to forget, but the more I try, the more I remember. I can’t remember the good things in life. I can’t remember what it feels like to be happy.

  Among everything though, I’m angry. I’m angry at myself. I let this happen. I trusted someone I shouldn’t have. I stayed late in that locker room. My actions set this all in motion.

  I’ve cried so much that my tears began to dry. Nothing comes out anymore. I’m just a washed up version of a girl that I used to be. It’s so dark, everything is black. There was a time when everything was so bright and colorful, but it’s all gone.

  Where the hell do I go from here? My nights are sleepless, they end in tears.

  I’m turning into my own type of hurricane. I destroy everything I touch. David kissed me today, and I pushed him away. David kissed my lips but I felt him. David touched my face but I felt him. I’ll never be able to love. Love is for the weak and the naive.