by SA Magnusson
“We have, but I want to remember.”
That was new for him.
“Do you want to remember, or are you just saying that you want to remember?”
“I would like to know what it is that you miss about the person I was.”
“I miss the fact that you were protective, but you were willing to allow me to be myself. The person who didn’t mind that I had my own strength. The person who refused to share with the council my abilities.”
“My obligation is to the council.”
“Perhaps now, but before this happened, you recognized that you needed to have some level of discretion. You didn’t immediately report everything to the council.”
“That doesn’t sound like something I would do.”
I chuckled. “Not now. As you said, you have an obligation to the council.”
He looked down at his hands. “What else can you tell me?”
“I could tell you a lot about who you were, but I don’t know whether any of that would matter. Not anymore.”
“You don’t think that I want to know?”
“It’s not that you don’t want to know. I think you have changed. When I brought you back, you’re different. I don’t know why you would be different and another wouldn’t be, but that’s the way it seems.”
“You brought back another?”
“Another mage. He was under attack and he nearly died. It was the same attack that I experienced tonight. Had I done nothing, he would have died.”
“Do you care about him the way you cared about me?”
“I didn’t want him to die, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Aron stared at me.
I shook my head. “No. I don’t care about him the same way. He has become something of a friend, and though that is somewhat surprising, considering everything I’ve been through with him, it doesn’t change the fact that we have become friends. I have many friends now that I would never have expected before.”
“Such as the woman lying on your sofa.”
“She’s a friend from my other world.”
“The non-magical world.”
“Non-magical. But she’s been exposed to the magical world, even though I think she wishes that she had not been.” Jen would never say it, but the fact that she had asked to be kept separate from everything that had been happening told me enough. She was brave, and having someone like her who knew about me and what I could do was helpful. It was nice being able to confide in someone, especially someone who was such a good friend. Without her, I don’t know how I would’ve handled everything. Even with her, it still wasn’t quite the same. There were times when I missed Derek, and missed the fact that he shared the conflicted magical and non-magical world as I did.
“I don’t remember anything about my other world.”
“You weren’t that open with me about it. You told me that you had once been a chef, and you told me that your parents were powerful mages, but not much more than that.”
“If I cared about you, why wouldn’t I have shared?”
“I had the sense that you were trying to protect me.”
“And why would I do that?”
“Probably because you weren’t sure whether involving me so deeply in the magical world was what I wanted.”
“You seem to be quite interconnected with the magical world.”
“I am now.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I didn’t think so. For a long time, I was content staying separate from the magical world, but the more that I’ve learned about my abilities, the more that I’ve come to embrace the differences that I have, the better I feel about them. Now I find myself using my magic all the time.”
“The council wants me to use magic to protect those within the council.”
“And what do you want to do with your magic?”
“It feels to me that there should be more.”
I shrugged. “I think it’s because you once were more. You were an archer, and you hunted demons.”
“So I’ve been told, but that is one more thing that I don’t recall.”
“Maybe you will in time.”
“Perhaps,” he said.
“That was how we met.”
“Hunting demons?”
“You were facing several demons in the park and were injured. I helped you, though at the time I didn’t know you didn’t necessarily need my help.”
It was a memory that I could smile at now. At the time, I had been worried about his stubbornness and the fact that he had wanted to simply remove the vent keeping his lung expanded, but in hindsight, knowing that he could heal himself, I wondered whether any of that had been necessary at all. It was possible that he would have been able to restore himself regardless.
“I remember the magic. The spells. There is one that is particularly useful in facing demons,” Aron said. “I don’t know why I should remember that but nothing else.”
“Maybe because so much of you is tied up in the magical world,” I said.
“That’s unfortunate if true.”
“Why?”
“It seems as if you have another side of you and are content with that.”
“I enjoy medicine. I find it difficult to strike the right balance these days, trying to maintain my connection to both my residency and understanding my connection to the magical world, but I enjoy the challenge of medicine. I enjoy the interaction with patients. And I enjoy helping people.”
“I can see that you do.”
“What would you do?”
“I don’t know. All I remember is magic. Others have tried to remind me of things that I enjoy, such as you with cooking.”
“And cars,” I said.
“Cars?”
“You were always quite particular about your cars.”
“Does that impress you?”
I laughed and covered my mouth, realizing that I was too loud. “Cars never impressed me. It was always the person driving it that impressed me.”
“I imagine that driving a fast car was fun.”
“That’s what you said.”
He fell silent, and I didn’t say anything, not wanting to upset him. This was an introspective side of him, one that I hadn’t seen in the days since we had been working together.
“I don’t remember anything when people try to tell me about the person that I was.”
“Maybe you will in time.”
“Maybe,” Aron said.
“You can always find something new that interests you. It doesn’t have to be the same things that interested you before.”
“I don’t even know where to start.”
“Get out into the world. I suspect that’s what you did before. You’re a powerful mage, Aron. You don’t need the council’s permission to practice your magic. I know they’ve instructed you to protect them, the way that they once would have instructed you, but even then, you had chosen your own way. That was one of your charms.”
I was suggesting to him that he leave the city, that he venture off, and that he discover himself. I knew where that could lead, but at the same time, if he wasn’t going to remember who he was, he could at least discover who he wanted to be. Didn’t he deserve that opportunity?
It would be hard, and it might mean that I wouldn’t get to see him anymore, and it might mean that we wouldn’t get to work together and any chance of me helping him would be lost, but I couldn’t be selfish when it came to his recovery. And I might not even be the right one to help restore him. It could be that it had to come from within, and he might have to do as he was saying and find something new that interested him and gave him a way of experiencing the world, of understanding who he could be, now that he no longer knew who he was.
“You look as if you need sleep,” he said.
“I’m exhausted,” I said.
“You rest. I will watch over you.”
“I’m not sure that you need to.”
“Maybe not,” Aron s
aid. “I want to.”
I met his eyes, holding them for a long moment, searching for any sign of recognition or a hint of the man that he’d been, but there was none. He looked back at me with the same blank expression that he’d worn over the last few weeks, nothing changed within it.
I smiled at him, trying to hide the sadness in my face, and nodded. “Thank you.”
When I made my way back to my room, flopping on my bed, I stared up at the ceiling. I didn’t hide the tears that streamed down my cheeks. Who would I hide them from, anyway? It was only me, and Lucy who had joined me, leaving me crying in the dark all alone.
It might’ve been easier had I never met Aron, and had I never found myself drawn to him. I wouldn’t have to suffer this way. I wouldn’t have to feel as if I hurt all the time.
But had I not met Aron, had I not taken the chance to try to understand my magic, wouldn’t I be less, too?
It took a long time before I managed to fall asleep. When I finally did, painful dreams came to mind, and in each of them, I was fighting the dark-haired woman, losing, and yet feeling as if I were doing what I was meant to do.
16
Morning came quickly and I headed out of my room, half-expecting to see Aron sitting at the table still awake and waiting, but he was gone. Light streamed in through the window, bright and almost blinding after coming out of the darkness that was my bedroom. I blinked back the bright light, trying to ignore it, and rubbed the sleep off my eyes.
“Morning, sunshine.”
I looked over at Jen as she came out of the living room carrying a bowl. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she wore a sleep shirt with the words “Hot Mama” printed across it. Considering everything that she’d owed had burned in the fire, she would have had to buy it. “You don’t have to work today?”
“My day off. I’ve got the weekend, a couple of twelves, but today is all mine. I figured I would use it to go through what I’d lost, sort through whatever belongings could be salvaged, and maybe shed a few tears.”
“Do you want some company?”
“You’re not skipping work again, are you?”
I shook my head. “I have two days off.”
“Two in a row? Who did you have to sleep with two get that?” She arched a brow at me as she set her bowl in the sink. “Don’t tell me it’s Roberts. Please, don’t tell me it’s Roberts.”
“I think it was just luck.”
“I can’t remember the last time I had two days off in a row. When I’m an attending, I intend to take several off in a row. I can work five or six straight in order to have five or six off.”
“You still have quite a bit of time before you get to make those claims.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m just saying that you intend to do a fellowship.”
She waved her hand, turning to the coffee maker. “Only if they accept me.”
“They’re going to accept you. And didn’t you apply to other programs?”
She shrugged. “Only this one. I didn’t really want to relocate, mostly because I like my apartment. I guess now I have a chance to relocate if it comes down to it.”
“I’ve told you you can stay here as long as you need.”
“I know you have, and I appreciate it. I don’t know how long I can stay with you, Kate. You and your strange sex cult might be more than I can manage.” She grinned.
“I was with your boyfriend last night.”
“Which one? The sexy shifter or the much sexier older mage?”
“The mage.”
“Did he talk about me?”
“You realize that he’s like seventy years old?”
“As if that matters. What were you doing?”
“Something dangerous.”
“It seems as if you’re always doing something dangerous. What was it this time?”
“Getting my ass kicked by a woman who is only a few years older than me but quite a bit more powerful than me.”
“I always had the sense when we were around other magical types that you were pretty powerful.”
“Lately I’ve thought the same, but after having been around this woman, I no longer feel that way. She was incredibly powerful, and she had little difficulty taking care of me.”
“What kind of magic does she have? Is she a mage or a shifter or…” Jen’s face scrunched up in a frown. “I guess I don’t really know what other types of magic exist in your world. I’m sure there are others, especially since you talked about vampires and you talked about fairies and mermaids—”
“You’ve been the one talking about mermaids. For all I know, there aren’t any mermaids.”
“Even that lady that Aron used to bang?”
“She was not a mermaid.”
“Probably good that she wasn’t. I can’t imagine following a mermaid. I mean, I’ve seen Splash. Those ladies are sexy.”
“I can’t believe you, Jen.”
“What part?”
I laughed, reaching for a mug over her shoulder and pulling it down. It was one that had the Hello Kitty logo on it, and had been given to me by a mutual friend of ours from medical school who had gone out East for training. “All of it.”
She grinned. “Was there someone else here last night?” she asked, glancing over the sink.
I looked down and saw a mug resting in the middle of the sink. Could Aron have made himself a drink? “When I got back, Aron was here.”
“Aron? As in your boyfriend?”
“As in the man who is suffering from a global amnesia.”
“I know one way you can help bring back his memories.”
“I doubt that your attempt with sexuality with Aron would bring back any memories.”
“Not me. You.”
“We’d never gotten intimate.”
“How long did you know him before all this happened? Months? I know the two of you were sort of dating, whatever you magical types would call it. In all that time, you didn’t bring them back to that boring bedroom of yours and strip that tight T-shirt and tight jeans off of him?”
I snorted. “In all that time, nothing like that happened.”
“You’re lost.”
“It might be easier now that we didn’t. I can’t imagine having that sort of connection with him and now… nothing.”
“At least you have memories. Sometimes, Kate, you get so caught up in planning for the future, trying to keep control of everything, that you don’t let yourself have fun in the moment.”
“Like you?”
“It’s not like I don’t think about the future, I just recognize that I want to enjoy my time. Everything is fleeting. Time in the emergency room has taught me that much, at least.”
I put the teakettle on and let it get hot. “Why don’t you change and we can head over to your place?”
The laughter on her face faded. “I don’t really have anything to change into. I have scrubs, but there are only so many places I want to go wandering in scrubs. Depending on how much is lost, I might have to make a shopping trip.”
“I can go with you for that, too.”
“Good, because I wasn’t going to give you any choice.”
“You can borrow something of mine.”
“Yours? You know, Kate, one thing you could do would be to dress a little bit sexier when you’re not at work. You don’t have to always be quite so frumpy.”
“Frumpy?”
“Fine, plain. You almost seem as if you enjoy keeping yourself unavailable. If Aron isn’t going to be the one, then take a shot at some of those other attractive magical men. I’d offer someone else, but I think with everything that you continue to get into, you need someone who understands that you have a darker side of you.”
I tried to ignore the comment, but it reminded me too much of getting called a monster. There were times I felt like that, times I felt as if my ability to access the magic of the dying made me a monster.
“Hey,” Jen said. “I wasn’t real
ly trying to insult your style. We all can’t be quite as fancy as me.”
“That’s not it,” I said.
“And what is it? Is it about Aron?”
I flashed a smile and took a deep breath. “Go get changed.”
Jen studied me for a moment before nodding and heading into my room. I could hear the sound of my closet opening and her sliding clothes along the hanger rod. “You know, you do have some things that are a little nicer.”
“Such as?”
“Wait for it.”
After another minute or two, long enough for me to get my tea steeped and take a drink, she came out wearing jeans and a tank top, but it was the leather jacket that she pulled over it that made the ensemble work. “I didn’t know you had anything like this.”
“Where did you find that?”
“The back of your closet.”
“The back?” I frowned before shaking my head. “That’s where there were a few belongings of my mother. Gran gave them to me to keep, thinking that I might want something of hers. They didn’t have all that much. But that…”
Jen glanced down at the jacket. “This jacket was your mother’s? Damn, but she had much better style than you.”
“Hey!”
“You never told me what happened with her.”
“Because no one really knows. She disappeared, and with the type of magic she was messing with, my grandparents figure she died. They found the remnants of a spell that would cause it, but nothing else.”
“Oh God, Kate. I’m sorry I brought it up.”
I shrugged, taking a sip of my tea. “It happened so long ago that I don’t even think about it anymore. And I never really knew my father. He was just never a part of my life.”
“But you knew your mother?”
“Until I was about five. That was when she disappeared. Died. My memories are hazy,” I said, thinking of what I could remember of her. Mostly it involved singing, but nothing more. Was that normal for a five-year-old to forget her mother? “After that, I stayed with my grandparents.”
“I can get why you don’t talk about it.”
“I can’t talk about it with anybody outside of the magical world. Who would understand that my father was some sort of dark magic user and my mother was a mage who dabbled in powers that she shouldn’t have?”