“You’re a life saver,” Katie moaned gratefully, pausing to take another bite. She chewed it and swallowed, and dabbed at the corner of her lips with a napkin. “I honestly don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you around. You’re a baby guru, and you bring food. I think I might love you more than Ben.”
I laughed lightly, careful not to jostle the sleeping three-month-old in my arms. While Katie finished her sandwich, I gazed down at Alyssa, my mind still fixated on seeing Travis again last night.
The temptation to text him and meet up with him again was so strong, the only thing preventing me from actually going through with it was the baby in my arms and my exhausted friend sitting on the other side of the couch.
But all day long, I’d been consumed with the thought that maybe…Travis was exactly what I needed. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever be in the place for one. But I didn’t want to be afraid of the act of intimacy any more.
Travis had offered to help rectify that issue, and I knew that if anybody could do it…it was him.
“I don’t know whether to grab a shower, because I definitely need one, or break out the wine and have a serious girl chat—because I definitely need one of those too,” Katie sighed, leaning back.
“Go shower, then we’ll have girl time—minus the wine.”
“Seriously, I really do love you more than Ben,” Katie told me, skipping off to have her shower.
Alyssa snored peacefully in my arms, and the house was quiet except for the distant sound of running water and the ticking of a clock. With each second that passed, I grew more and more restless, more and more aware of the fact that my phone sat less than an arm’s length away.
Just as I finally worked up the nerve to reach for it, the water shut off and I knew that Katie was finished with her shower. She didn’t take long to dress, and within five minutes she was back in the living room, dressed in a new pair of sweat pants, her hair wrapped up in a bath towel.
“You have no idea how badly I needed that shower. God I hate the smell of sour milk,” she shivered.
“How are you?” I asked, smiling warmly at my friend.
“Good, exhausted…but good. We’ve finally gotten the hang of nursing, and she’s sleeping five hour stretches through the night now,” Katie answered. As if she understood that she was the topic of discussion, Alyssa stirred and started to whimper. “What about you? Did you give my suggestion any thought?”
“I’m not joining Tinder,” I responded, my brow pinching together.
“You’ve just got to get back on the saddle. This time, we’ll choose a good one,” she remarked, nodding decisively.
Katie had been on a mission to get me to date again, especially lately. A lot of it probably had to do with how bored she was.
“What about a friends with benefits arrangement?” I remarked, trying to sound as nonchalant as I could.
“Wow, that came straight out of the left field,” Katie said, her eyes widening as she stared at me. “Do you have one?” she added, her brows lifting in surprise.
“No,” I shook my head. “I was just wondering what you thought about it.”
“Friends with benefits can be a good thing…” she added, her tone considerate and cautious.
“I sense a ‘but’.”
“But it depends on the people involved, I guess,” she shrugged. She looked at me again, this time with suspicion. “Do you want a friend with benefits?”
“Well…I’m thinking about it, anyway. The last thing in the world I want right now is a relationship. I don’t have time, nor do I want that. But before I can even do that…I should practice being intimate with someone, right?”
“I guess that makes sense,” she responded thoughtfully. “What does your therapist say?”
“My therapist is big on the whole ‘open communication’ thing,” I said, making air quotations with my fingers as I spoke. “She’s been telling me for years to start doing things for myself, and I don’t know…I feel like this could be good for me? It’d definitely be for me, at least.”
“Then give a go,” Katie said, her hand reaching out to grasp mine. She gave me an encouraging smile, but the crease between her eyebrows told me that she was worried. “Just…listen to your intuition. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
“Me either,” I confessed.
Becky
June 2017
When Mom died, it felt as if the chapter had ended before a resolution could be reached. Unfinished, untethered.
For all of the years of hurt we each harbored, we’d only just begun to sift through the baggage and find peace with one another. I’d spent so much of my life angry at her for not leaving my dad. After what happened to me, I understood why she stayed a little better. But so many things had been left incomplete, and so much of our time together had been wasted.
It wasn’t fair, and for months I carried that ugly feeling around with me like an anchor.
It didn’t help that I had to watch as my little brother descended into his own personal hell, and I tried with feeble, fumbling hands to help him. So did Brock, but we couldn’t face Braden’s demons on his behalf. He had to do it himself, and for a while there…I worried that nothing would bring him out of it.
Six months after Mom’s death, six horrible months of watching my brother drink and rage, and I’d had enough. I told him that I couldn’t have him around Aiden anymore. I told him that he was too much like our father, that unless he went to rehab and got sober…he wasn’t welcome in my house.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it woke Braden up, and he was getting his life back on track. He’d been accepted into the mechanical engineering program at Algonquin College, and graduated top of his class.
He came back home last September, and was working at Chuck’s Garage. He was doing well, although I still worried about him from time to time.
After graduating top of my nursing program three years ago in April, I’d landed a full-time position at the hospital, which was a godsend. It had been a challenge and a half to find sitters willing to put up with the odd hours of my school schedule and my old job as a cashier. With my new job, I was able to put Aiden in daycare during the summer months.
Brock had gone back to work once I’d graduated from college and once Braden seemed to be doing better. He couldn’t live off his savings forever, so he went back to working one-month on and one-month off.
On this particular sticky late June evening, Aiden was camping with his uncles and Tessa, and I had needed to get out of the house. The walls were closing in on me so I texted Katie and asked her to meet me at O’Riley’s.
We arrived early enough to snag one of the best booths, closest to the already occupied pool tables. Mick brought us a pitcher of beer and a plate of nachos to share while we waited for a pool table to free up.
“How’s everything going?” I asked.
“Not good,” Katie sighed, her shoulders slumping with disappointment. “Still not pregnant. I don’t get it…it was so easy to get pregnant with Alyssa. What am I doing wrong?”
“Maybe you’re just stressing too much?” I shrugged helplessly. My heart went out to Katie. She and Ben had been trying to conceive for the last two years. They wanted to have a bunch of kids all close together in age, like the families they’d both come from.
“Maybe,” Katie said, grabbing a nacho and popping it in her mouth. “What about you?”
“I’m fine,” I shrugged. My thoughts went back to Travis. Soon, he’d be back for the summer, and our arrangement had to end. This summer wasn’t like the previous summers. My older brother was getting married, and both Travis and I were in the wedding party. We’d be spending a lot of time together, and I was worried it would be just a matter of time before we were caught.
I didn’t want Brock to find out about Travis and me. He wouldn’t understand it, and he’d likely be livid at Travis. He’d assume that Travis
was taking advantage of me and likely wouldn’t believe that I’d been the one making the rules and drawing the lines.
“Are you bringing anybody special to the wedding? FWB perhaps?” Katie leaned forward, snagging another chip.
“No, I’m not bringing anybody to the wedding,” I answered with a shrug.
“Will FWB be there anyway?” Katie pressed hopefully. I gave her a look, and she pouted. “I can’t believe you won’t tell me who it is. I’ll figure it out, you know.”
I laughed to cover my unease, hoping that she wouldn’t figure it out. Katie had been relentlessly pushing me to move on and actually date. If not FWB, then someone else. Every year, she got more intense in her quest to convince me. Having a friend with benefits had only appeased her for a short while.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m going to break things off with him anyway,” I responded with a shrug.
“Why? Did you catch the feels?” Katie asked, her eyes sparkling with mirth.
For the last four years, she’d been my cover story.
“No, I didn’t catch the feels,” I responded, rolling my eyes. But even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t exactly true. “We’re both too busy, now.”
Feelings—especially feelings of the romantic kind—unnerved me, so I wouldn’t allow myself to think about them. But I’d be lying if I said my desire to call off the arrangement with Travis was only because of the wedding and not wanting to get caught.
Memories of that fateful night when I’d blatantly asked him to sleep with me rushed over me. Maybe my decision making skills, marred by grief, were questionable when I made the offer.
In truth, I hadn’t believed he’d show up at the hotel room I’d booked us. I wasn’t naïve enough to assume that Travis hadn’t heard rumors of my broken life. He was a part of Brock’s circle, he had to have known. He could have any girl he wanted, why would he want me, as broken and lost as I was?
But despite that, he did…and when I was with him, I didn’t feel broken. I didn’t hear the ghosts of my past. I just enjoyed being in the now with him, because ultimately I knew we’d both return to our separate lives. There was a security in that, and I clung to it. I knew what to expect.
I enjoyed the escape he offered.
And yet…I cared about him. I considered him a friend, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. What was bad was just how much I looked forward to our summers together, to being with him. Not only was he skilled at reading my body and figuring out my needs before I could even voice them, but he was fun. He encouraged me to let my hair down a little, something my life of structure and routine was sorely lacking.
His life was such a stark contrast from mine; and I was drawn to it. It was like he was the sun and I was the earth, always striving to have his rays of warmth on me, never truly satisfied in its absence, in the darkness.
Those were feelings, and they were not a good sign. And recently, I’d started having dreams. I blamed the wedding—weddings were notorious for stirring up emotions better left sleeping.
I liked my life the way it was. I liked that it was just me, Aiden, my brothers—and Tessa, of course. I had a family that loved me, and a son that was my entire world.
Sometimes it got isolating and lonely, but not letting people in was preferable to accidentally opening the door for a monster.
Travis wasn’t a monster; I knew that. He would never purposely harm a hair on my head, but he did carry the ability to wreck me in far more devastating ways than that. The dreams I’d been having as of late proved it.
“Well, I don’t think it’d be a bad thing if you felt something for the dude you’ve been casually screwing for the last several years,” Katie shrugged. She grabbed the last nacho off the plate and ate it.
I sent her a withering look much like the one I’d use on Aiden if he was getting smart with me.
“Don’t do that, I recognize that look. I give it to Alyssa at least six times a day,” Katie laughed. “I just want to see you happy, is that so wrong?”
“I am happy,” I told her. “I like my job, I have an incredible kid, my brothers, Tessa, you. What more could I want?”
Katie said nothing, watching me with a sad smile. “Someone to share that with?” she finally said, shrugging.
I chose not to respond.
Her cell phone vibrated in her back pocket, and she pulled it out with a frown. “Hello? Seriously Ben? Alright. I’ll be right home.” She ended the call and sent me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, I have to go…Alyssa is throwing up. Ben can handle a cow giving birth but he can’t handle a little bit of kid puke.” Katie rolled her eyes dramatically.
“That’s alright, I’m tired anyway. I think I’m going to call it a night.”
“God, I feel terrible,” Katie exclaimed, her brows drawn together in regret. “You barely ever get out for a night on the town, and here I am leaving before nine.”
“It’s not like you’re intentionally ditching me. Your daughter’s sick,” I said, standing. I gave her a reassuring smile.
She hugged me tightly before releasing me. “Keep an eye on my girl, Mick!” she instructed the old bartender.
“Will do,” Mick nodded, drying out a beer glass behind the bar. Katie squeezed my hand again before leaving.
I wasn’t quite ready to go home yet. I still hated going home to an empty house. It was too quiet, and I found the silence suffocating. Aiden wouldn’t be home until tomorrow, and I’d officially run out of prospects to keep me entertained.
“Plenty of patrons here that wouldn’t mind keeping you company,” Mick said with a wink as he paused by the table with a tray full of empty glasses. He grabbed Katie’s glass, his translucent eyes sparkling with mirth. I tried not to laugh as I looked around at the near-empty bar. The majority of customers were baby boomers, and a lot of them were fathers of old classmates.
“That’s alright, I’m gonna play a quick game of pool and call it a night,” I told him, noticing one of the pool tables had freed up. He nodded and made his way into the kitchen.
Reaching the pool table, I started to set up. I stroked the cue before driving it toward the ball with a steady hand. The tip hit it off the side, as I intended, and it ricocheted off the side of the pool table before it took another one of my balls right into the middle pocket.
My dad had taught me how to play—it was one of the only things he’d taught me. He thought it would be funny to hustle people using his eight year old daughter. He earned a lot of his drinking money that way, for a while. Until I learned to make myself scarce.
After sinking the eight ball, I set the game up again. I lined up my shot, but before I could take it, the door swung open and Travis walked in. He paused, his eyes scanning the patrons until they landed on me. A dimpled smile broke out on his face, and he strode toward me purposely.
“Want some company?” he asked, grabbing a free cue.
For a moment, all I could do was stare at him and wonder if I’d conjured him up by wishful thinking. Shaking my head, I fought a smile. It was ridiculous how light he made me feel, simply by showing up.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I called Brock to see if he wanted to meet for some brews, but he’s camping with Aiden, Tessa, and Braden.”
“Really?” I feigned shock, my lips twitching slightly at the giddy lightness in my chest. “So that’s where they went.”
“Funny girl,” Travis said, his lips curling up in half a smile. His jawline was scruffy, and I wanted to reach out and touch it—to know what it felt like when it brushed against my inner thighs. The last time we’d seen each other, he’d been clean shaven.
My teeth sank into my bottom lip in an attempt to snap out of the carnal thoughts. His eyes were fixated on them, and he licked his own lips in response, as if he could read my mind and the dirty thoughts it contained.
“Sure, you take the first shot,” I told him, stepping away from the table.
He sunk two stipes and with the second, on
e of mine. Then it was my turn. I grabbed my cue and lined up my shot. I sunk the rest of the solids, then went for the eight ball.
“Are you hustling me?” he asked lowly, his eyes twinkling mischievously from across the pool table. He had no idea that I spent a lot of my childhood hustling people over a game of pool.
“I can’t help it if I’m better than you,” I shrugged, setting up for the next game. We played again, but he was more focused on watching me than actually playing. The more he watched me, the more mistakes I made.
Casting a nervous glance over my shoulder, I relaxed when I realized nobody was paying any attention to us. The other patrons didn’t care what the younger ones were up to, so long as they still had their dart board and their spots at the bar in front of the TV.
“Let’s go somewhere,” Travis said.
I brought my eyes back to him, arching a brow. “Where?”
“Anywhere you want. We could drive down to the lake and skinny dip or get a hotel room and spend the night getting reacquainted with each other’s bodies.”
“Both of those suggestions end up with me naked,” I pointed out, fighting back a smile.
“Which is why I’m fond of them both,” Travis said, leaning against his cue and sending another dimpled smile my way. “What do you say?”
I knew I should say no, especially given the fact that I was hell-bent on calling off our arrangement.
But tonight? I wanted his company.
What we were doing got riskier every time we did it, especially with the upcoming wedding. Ending our little arrangement made sense…but at the same time, I didn’t want it to end. Travis was familiar and simple; we kept it strictly sex and fun. No heavy topics, no conversations that could change the delicate balance in which we existed.
I had two choices: I could either go with him, or spend the evening alone.
I chose to go with him. I wanted to exist in that world, if only for one more night. Then I’d tell him the arrangement was over.
Rebel Song: (Rebel Series Book 3) ((Rebel Series)) Page 8