“What?” Startled, I glanced to the driver’s side. Henry had reached forward and was turning the radio up.
“This song,” he said, settling back into the seat. “Have you heard it?”
I hadn’t heard it but Henry obviously had. Many times. He had the lyrics memorized and when it hit the fourth verse, he started to sing along. There was something about listening to his off-tune voice botch the song that made me love it. The song was about a lost and forgotten love and when it was over, I clapped. He gave a partial bow as he turned the radio back down to background noise.
“Henry?” I asked.
“Hmm?”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“That is a question,” he pointed out.
“You know what I mean.”
He glanced over so that our eyes met for a split second. “And you know you can always ask.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure why I felt so nervous, but I did. My pulse was pounding in my head and wrists. “Why don’t you ever wear your letterman jacket any more?”
He didn’t speak so I kept going. “I just noticed that Alec and Jaxson wore theirs and I… I guess I wondered about it.”
“I don’t know, Care.”
“Do you still have it?”
“Yeah, of course I do.” I could make out just a hint of annoyance. I should have taken that as a warning to stop this line of questioning, but now I was doubly curious.
“Then why don’t you wear it?”
He let out a heavy sigh and rotated his grip on the steering wheel. “I don’t know. Maybe I don’t bother with it anymore because the last person to wear it was Elise.”
“Oh.” Her name hit my stomach like a heap of bricks.
“It seems like it’s tainted somehow.” He chuckled uncomfortably. “That’s stupid, huh?”
“No, I guess I understand,” I said quietly. “You were together for a while and you loved her, right?”
He shrugged but I could still feel the tension in the air. It shrouded us like a thick fog. “I don’t know about that. More than anything our relationship was one of convenience. Elise and I have all the same friends and being together just seemed like the next logical step. But I’m glad it’s over.” I nodded and Henry said again, this time with more certainty, “I mean that. I am glad that we aren’t together anymore.”
“That’s pretty much what Hannah said to me about Owen.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“They broke up.”
“What?”
“Actually,” I said, letting out a breath, “they’ve been broken up since Hannah left for London but she didn’t tell me until last night.”
“Ouch.”
I shrugged. “Which explains why Owen was acting so strange when we saw him the night we got pizza. And why he’s been ignoring me since August.”
Henry steered the car into a spot in the school lot and put it in park. “You should keep trying to talk to him.”
I got out of the car and slammed the door shut. “I know. I’m just sad about it, which is sort of silly. It was inevitable, right? Obviously they were going to break up at some point. It’s not like you just fall in love with someone you’ve known for all your life and that’s the end of it.”
“What? You don’t believe in happily ever after?”
I laughed as we walked into the main building. “I save that for the movies.”
The lunch bell rang and the hall immediately started to fill with students making their way to afternoon classes.
“Just in the nick of time,” I commented over the growing noise.
“Yep.” Henry nodded. “Care, can I ask you a question?”
I repeated his earlier words back to him. “That is a question.”
He smiled. “Have you told Hannah yet? You know, about Homecoming?”
Someone jostled me from behind. “No, um, not yet,” I said, regaining my balance.
“Huh.”
Was I imagining things or did he seem disappointed by my answer? Then I had a new thought. Slightly panicked, I said, “Oh no. Did you tell her already?”
“No,” he answered right away. “I was waiting for you.”
I blew out an exaggerated breath of relief then waved dismissively. “I mean, it’s not that big of a deal or anything. It just hasn’t come up yet.”
“I get it, but you are planning on telling her?”
“Of course!” A knot was forming in the pit of my stomach. “Soon, I promise.”
He nodded, but his eyebrows scrunched up in consternation. I almost reached up and smoothed the wrinkled skin there with my finger, but, luckily, I stopped myself.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Homecoming is soon,” he said, completely sidestepping my question. “I think you should tell her before it gets too late. Unless you don’t want to go any—”
I didn’t let him finish. “No, I want to.”
He didn’t quite smile as he turned to walk away. “Then talk to her. And talk to Owen while you’re at it.”
“I don’t know if he’ll answer,” I called out.
He looked back. “That doesn’t mean you get to stop trying.”
****
To: Owen
From: Caroline
Date: October 9
Subject: Hey friend!
Hannah told me about the breakup. I understand why you’ve been avoiding me but I still think it’s stupid! And really, really, really (did I mention REALLY?) unfair. We’ve been friends all our lives. This is just a blip and we’ll all be friends again one day. I just know it.
TTYL,
Care
____________
Like usual, Henry was right. Just emailing Owen during last period made me feel better. I couldn’t be sure that he would respond but I had to keep trying. What I’d written in my message was true—we’d been friends before and we’d be friends again.
The final bell rang, which meant rehearsal time. In a lame attempt to delay, I stopped by the vending machines that lined the quad and bought myself a peanut butter candy bar and a soda.
“Hey, you headed to rehearsal?” Miles asked from behind me.
“Yep, just needed some caffeine and the since the school lacks an on-campus Starbucks, this is going to have to work,” I said holding up my can of soda.
“Shall we?” Miles gestured for me to lead the way. Even in normal conversation he had theatrical tendencies.
“So I was wondering, do you have a date for Homecoming?” he asked.
“Um, yeah. Actually I do.” I sounded surprised even to myself. “Henry asked me actually.”
“Oh, are you—um, well, I mean, are you guys dating?”
“What? No! Of course not. We’re just friends.”
He let out a sigh of relief. “Great! Sooo, maybe we could go out sometime?”
“Um, yeah, maybe. I mean, I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t had much time to even think about—” I stumbled over my words searching for a reason to get away from Miles as quickly as possible. “Hey, I gotta use the ladies room. See you at rehearsal?”
“Yeah, see you there.”
I hid in the closest restroom for at least ten minutes—just until I was sure that Miles would be on stage and I could avoid having to give him a straight answer. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Miles—but it was strictly platonic. I just couldn’t see him differently. Not when there was Henry.
When I finally got to the auditorium, I spotted Henry immediately. He was with the rest of the set crew on stage with Mrs. Cobb. He wrote something down on a notebook and then slipped the pencil he was using behind his ear. Was it crazy for me to think that one small gesture was so hot?
Embarrassed by my own thoughts, I dropped my bag in the audience seats and slunk backstage with my candy bar and soda. Since it was our first full-length dress rehearsal, it was more crowded than usual, but I made out Miles pacing near the soundboard, obviously running
through his lines. He waved when he saw me. I waved back and collapsed onto the floor behind a large amp to munch on my snack.
“There you are!”
A girl with short, spiky black hair grabbed my hand and yanked me to my feet. She was moving so fast I wondered if she’d been doing shots of Red Bull. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you!”
“You have?” I didn’t even know this girl’s name.
“Emma is in charge of your clothes and I’m doing your makeup and hair. We have got to get started if we want to be ready in time.”
“Okaaay. And what was your name again?”
She rolled her eyes. “Kristin!”
Kristin shoved me into a chair in front of a mirror and started pulling on the ponytail holder keeping my hair back. All at once, my red curls exploded around my shoulders. Another girl, who I assumed was Emma, began tugging at the hem of my shirt.
I swatted her hand. “What are you doing?”
“We’ve got to get you dressed,” she told me, reaching for my shirt again.
I glanced around the busy backstage area in horror. At least I didn’t see Henry nearby. “Not in front of everyone…”
Kristin jerked a round brush through my hair. “That’s the life of an actor. There’s no such thing as modesty.”
Off went my shirt.
And so began the most uncomfortable twenty minutes of my life. By the time Mrs. Cobb instructed us to take our places on stage and I was dressed in Eliza’s raggedy first outfit, I wasn’t sure it was possible to blush any harder.
The music started and with it my already speeding heart turned into a jackhammer. I was breathing so hard and fast that I thought for sure I would hyperventilate.
Stage directions… choreography… lines… My head was whirling. Where was I supposed to stand again? And what was I supposed to do with my hands? My feet?
Everyone in the cast was staring at me—waiting for me to screw up. The lights were up, blinding me to the audience, but I knew Mrs. Cobb was out there watching. She had to be cringing by now and so disappointed that she had taken the risk and handed me this role. In my defense, I never wanted it in the first place. I would have been perfectly happy working backstage or in the chorus. Blending in was the kind of thing I excelled at. The background was where I belonged. This? This was crazy.
“It’s a cold March night in Covent Garden,” Mrs. Cobb shouted, setting the scene.
Everything was swirling around chaotically in my head. I felt someone bump into me from behind.
“You should look where you’re going, sir,” Miles whispered loudly from the side stage while giving me a pointed look.
I just stood on my mark, frozen, completely unable to move or speak. Why was Miles staring at me like that?
He gestured with his hands. “Eliza, don’t you think, he should look where he’s going?”
“Oh!” I gasped. “Um—yeah. Look where—uhh.”
The first line and I had missed my cue. Very first freaking line.
Miles had even prompted me. Twice! And I still managed to butcher it. It took a special kind of pathetic to screw up something as simple as “Look where you’re goin,’ dear. Look where you’re goin!”
I could hear everyone’s disappointed sighs and I could’ve sworn I heard my name being muttered in ridicule. God, they all hated me and I couldn’t even blame them. They had every right to start launching rotten tomatoes at me on stage. It was my fault we still weren’t ready for opening night because every other cast member had their part perfectly and I was still struggling with the first line.
“I—uh—sorry—I just—I need a minute.” Blinking against an onslaught of hot tears, I threw my hands up and rushed off stage. I bypassed the backstage crew, almost knocking over Emma and Kristin, and found a deserted hallway in front of the supply closets. I leaned my back against the wall and drooped down until I was on the floor and my head was between my knees.
Short, shallow breaths punched from my lungs. My face was wet with tears and beads of sweat. “I can’t do this,” I panted softly into my hands.
I heard footsteps pounding toward me and lifted my head to see Henry racing after me. When he saw me sitting there, he breathed out and slowed down.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, sliding down the wall so that he was beside me.
I shook my head and swallowed. “I can’t do this.”
“Yes you can.”
“You don’t know that,” I sulked.
Henry chuckled. “Yeah, I do. I’ve seen you run through this entire play perfectly.”
“Maybe when it’s just you and me practicing in my living room! It’s totally different on stage. I draw a blank and end up standing there like a moron.” I wiped at my cheeks with my fingers and when I pulled my hands away, I saw my fingertips were smudged with mascara. All Kristin’s hard work had gone to waste. “I think I need to quit once and for all and put everyone out of their misery.”
He didn’t try to hide the disappointment on his face. “Caroline...”
“This isn’t me,” I argued. “I’m not cut out for this sort of thing, Henry. I shouldn’t be center stage. God, I don’t even think I could handle a chorus part at this point!” I sucked in a breath before the rest spilled out. “ I mean, what the heck was I thinking when I agreed to this? Or even when I enrolled in the stupid drama class to begin with? Let me tell you what, the mating habits of sea urchins don’t sound so bad at this point! Do you think Mr. Kant would let me switch classes this late in the semester? I know I’d have to do a lot of make-up work and maybe even get a tutor, but it’d be ten million times better than having to step one foot back on that stage. I—”
“Care,” he cut me off with a hand over my mouth. “Stop rambling.”
When he removed his fingers from my lips, I sighed in defeat. “I can’t help it.”
“I know and normally I like your rambling,” he said, smirking. “But you’ve got a whole cast waiting on you.”
I shook my head. “Henry, I can’t do it. When I get on that stage with Miles and everyone else, my mind goes haywire.”
“So pretend,” he stated like it was the answer to all of my problems.
“What do you mean?”
“Pretend that it’s just you and me practicing in your living room. Forget about everyone else.”
“That won’t work.”
“Yes it will,” he said confidently. “Just you and me.”
I just stared.
“Okay?” he tried.
I took in a long breath. “Okay.”
Henry pulled me to my feet and led me down the hall. We separated and I returned to the stage. Everyone was in the exact same position they’d been in before I left as though someone had just pressed the pause button. A few of the actors with smaller roles threw annoyed glances in my direction.
I shielded my eyes from the stage lights and called out. “I’m sorry. Just having a mini meltdown.”
Mrs. Cobb spoke back. “Did you get some air, Miss McKain?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“And are we ready to proceed?”
“Yes.”
“Very well. Let’s pick up where we left off, shall we?”
I stood on my mark. That’s when I saw Henry, peeking at me from behind one the curtains on the side of the stage. When he saw me notice him, he smiled and mouthed just you and me.
How many times had we gone over these lines in my living room? How many times had I watched this movie in my lifetime? I knew the words. I knew them. So I focused on Henry. In my head I was no longer on stage with Miles. I was home, in my living room with Henry. And just like that it worked.
I realized that Henry was right, I had been over-thinking this. I was just so worried about disappointing someone or screwing up. I was so sure that I didn't belong up here that I was sabotaging myself. The truth was, it’s not that I didn’t want to be up there on the stage because I did. I wanted to be the kind of person who shined. I had just forgotten that
person could be me.
“Now that’s more like it,” Mrs. Cobb said at the end of rehearsal. “There’s my Eliza.”
To: Hannah
From: Caroline
Date: October 10
Subject: Guess what?
I am no longer an epic failure! There is a slim chance I will survive this musical after all.
____________
To: Caroline
From: Hannah
Date: October 11
Subject: Re: Guess What?
What, pray tell, made for this sudden change of attitude? And, does it mean you’ll be trying out for the winter play?
____________
To: Hannah
From: Caroline
Date: October 12
Subject: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves
HA—not likely! And… “Pray tell”???? I’m startin’ to think you've been in London too long. You should consider a return to ‘Merica ASAP. We miss you!
PS: We also have Girl Scout Cookies here... Just sayin’
____________
To: Caroline
From: Hannah
Date: October 14
Subject: Dreamweaver
So weird… I had this dream that I was babysitting Grace and Chloe and a T-rex attacked the house. I tried to fight him off by throwing a bag of apples at him.
It wasn’t very effective.
<3 Hannah
____________
To: Hannah
From: Caroline
Date: October 15
Subject: Re: Dreamweaver
Want to hear weird? Two nights ago, I dreamed that I drank so much coffee that I stayed up for six days. And I painted every single room in this house a wild color AND I still had time to build the tallest Jenga tower in the history of the world and get a giant taco tattooed on my face.
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