by Trish Wylie
‘I’m not mad at you.’ Their son took a deep breath and ignored the fact he felt like an idiot for talking out loud. ‘Not any more. But I was, for a long time. You messed up. But I think you knew that. Least I hope you did. I want to forgive you for sucking as parents, but I can’t throw stones in that department until I can prove I’m better at it than you. Maybe one day I’ll be able to come back and tell you how I’m doing with that…’
Blake shook his head at how he had questioned his sudden need for a family. It wasn’t sudden, but it wasn’t just a family he wanted either. It was a family with Liv. That was why he couldn’t let her go.
‘I can’t keep being angry or feeling frustrated but I won’t blame you for that. I should have dealt with this earlier.’ But instead he’d allowed parts of himself to wither away, without nurture, rather than risk getting involved with someone he might damage in the way his parents’ actions had damaged him.
Trouble was, while he’d been so focused on the empty place inside him, he’d been ignoring the feelings that had been growing elsewhere.
When another wave of anger hit him that it had taken so long to figure it out he took several deep breaths and fought it off, shaking his head more firmly. He didn’t have to make the same mistakes they had. Nor would he continue punishing himself for things that hadn’t been his fault. He was who he was because of his upbringing but he didn’t have to stay that way. He could break the cycle, be the man he chose to be and the kind of father he’d never had to his own kids. The kids he wanted to have some day with Liv, if she’d have him.
‘This stops now. I’m sick of running in the wrong direction.’ As his voice grew more determined, he felt stronger, the emptiness within him shrinking as if hope held it in a fist and was squeezing tighter with each word. ‘There’s a time to stand and fight for the things that matter. I’ve said it before but this time I mean it: I won’t hide—not who I am, what I want or how I feel.’
Bet big to win big, that was how he saw it. But he wasn’t carrying any IOUs from the past into his new life. Without hesitation, he reached for the envelope, pushed his thumb below the seal, ripped it open and took out the letter.
Leaning her wrists on the metal railing, Olivia tugged out her earplugs and bent forward, gasping for breath. She was so unfit. Lifting her head as she continued hauling in air, her gaze took in the Manhattan skyline, Brooklyn’s waterfront and the Verrazano Narrows Bridge as the famous orange ferry approached the terminal nearby. She could smell the brine, feel the sea breeze against her damp skin and hear the slap of water against the pilings, but while the familiarity of home would ordinarily have offered a measure of comfort, no matter what she tried, nothing made her feel better. Not when he was gone.
At first it was the little things like the lack of messages on her phone or the sound of his voice when she called to see how his meetings had gone that reminded her of the loss, but since she’d been gradually weaning herself off those things she was able to cope with that. Waking up alone after a restless night of tossing and turning while she tried to find a comfortable sleeping position without his large body to curl into was harder. Seeing his face in several interviews hadn’t helped. While she was incredibly proud he was taking on the press on his own terms, every time she found an article about Warren Enterprises’ new owner, she absorbed it, reaching out and touching his face as if somehow the ink could transmit the warmth of his skin to her fingertips.
The last time she’d felt anything close to as empty as she did without him, it had taken a new career to get her through. She had put everything into it, filling her mind and the hours until one day merged into the next and she was able to take a breath without hurting. But no matter how hard she looked, she knew she would never find another man to replace Blake. What she was experiencing was self-inflicted grief. But if it hurt as much as this after ten days without him, she’d been right to let him go.
She had to continue believing that.
When another wave of emotion threatened to overwhelm her, she pushed off the railing and walked a circle as she put the earplugs back in and ramped up the volume. Picking up the pace, she pushed her body through the pain barrier, running harder to replace emotional pain with straining muscles, aching lungs and a raw throat. Couple more miles and she would return to the house she’d grown up in to shower and change, filling a few more Blake-less hours with a family barbecue for her niece’s birthday, where she could smile and pretend everything was okay.
Even if it felt as if it never would be again.
‘I’m pretty sure what you’re doing to that chicken is illegal in five states,’ Johnnie commented when they gathered around a picnic table in the park.
‘And Canada…’
Olivia’s gaze jerked sharply upward at the comment from the second of her brothers as he clinked their beer bottles together. ‘What was that?’
‘What?’ Danny asked.
‘The Canada thing—what does it mean?’
‘Can’t tell you,’ he replied with a completely straight face. ‘We took an oath.’
She blinked. ‘Who did you take an oath with?’
‘Your boyfriend.’ He shrugged.
‘My what?’
‘Your boyfriend.’ Johnnie held his bottle up and spread his fingers. ‘Clean record, lays on a pretty decent spread on poker night…’
‘Are you talking about Blake?’ When she lifted a trembling hand to swipe hair back from her face, she knocked over a plastic beaker, forcing her to scramble to catch it as her mother joined them.
‘He sounded lovely on the phone this morning. I’m looking forward to meeting him.’
‘You talked to him on the phone?’
Was there a hidden camera somewhere?
‘When you went for your run,’ her mom replied as if it was an everyday occurrence.
‘Pretty straight-up guy,’ Danny commented as he reached out a finger towards the icing on the birthday cake and had his hand slapped away. ‘Dad would have liked him. He’s good with his hands.’
Olivia felt a flush of warmth building on her neck. ‘When did you meet Blake?’
‘Last week,’ Johnnie replied for Danny, looking across at his wife where she was talking to a couple of other mothers and watching Amy play with her friends. ‘Wanted to check on the procedure for closing off a road down by a warehouse on the river, we got talking—he mentioned he played poker—so I invited him to the Monday night game.’
‘He got dating approval when he lost the pot.’ Danny smiled. ‘Never mentioned you were dating a rich guy…’
Olivia frowned. ‘How much money did you take off him?’
‘Let’s just say I don’t need to worry about making the rent this month…’
Meaning Blake had lost on purpose. How had her brothers not known that? If they were tag-teaming him she was going to kick their—
‘He’ll tell you about it when he gets here.’
‘When he gets here?’ On a day when she had virtually no make-up on, still had puffy eyes and—
‘Yeah, we figured you were making things difficult for him.’ Danny nodded. ‘We told him to hang in there.’
‘Speak of the devil.’ Johnnie smiled.
‘Oh, my,’ her mother said. ‘Isn’t he handsome?’
He was also a dead man. Did he think she’d endured ten days of hell so she could go through it all over again? Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath before facing him, knowing full well the very sight of him would do what it had done from the get-go. When she turned around her heart crumpled into a tight, painful ball in her chest.
Damn it. It was so unfair he looked that good.
She hated him for it.
Blake smiled as Liv headed straight for him with a glint in her eyes that said he was in trouble.
She was beautiful when she was mad.
‘What are you doing here?’ she bit out, grabbing hold of his sleeve and turning him around without breaking stride.
‘I was
invited. Didn’t the guys mention it?’
‘Oh, believe me, they’re next on my list.’ She cocked an accusatory brow at him. ‘And you called my mother?’
‘What do I know about buying a present for a three-year-old girl?’ He held up the bag in his hand. ‘I’ve never bought anything this pink in my life.’
‘What are you even doing buying a gift for my niece? We broke up, remember?’ She frowned, glancing over her shoulder before she dragged him behind a tree. Letting go of his sleeve, she took a step back. ‘Why are you here?’
‘Why do you think I’m here?’
‘Would I ask if I knew?’
‘Have a think about it for a minute.’
When she floundered, he smiled, unable to resist when it had been the longest ten days he’d ever experienced. Lifting his hand, he slid his fingers around the nape of her neck and lowered his head, not caring who might be watching as he fitted his mouth to hers. It felt like a lifetime since he’d kissed her and Blake knew, without a shadow of doubt, he would never, ever get enough of her.
He just had to convince her to give them a chance.
When he looked down at her, she still had her eyes closed, her lower lip trembling as she took a long, ragged breath. Her lashes lifted, her gaze meeting his with a flash of vulnerability that completely did him in.
She shook her head, her voice thick. ‘I can’t do this again.’
‘You won’t have to.’
Any doubts he’d had disappeared as her eyes filled with tears. While she was crumbling in front of him and his chest cramped, relief washed over him. They weren’t so different. She’d been struggling to deal with what was happening between them as much as he had.
‘Thought I wouldn’t figure out what you were doing?’ Before she could say anything, he took her hand and led her to a bench below the tree. ‘Sit.’
‘I don’t want to sit.’ She tugged on her hand and sniffed loudly. ‘I want you to go away.’
‘Do I have to kiss you again?’
‘Blake, you can’t—’
‘Yes, I can.’ Tightening his fingers around hers, he pinned her in place with a determined gaze, silently transmitting all of the frustration and longing he’d experienced without her as he fought an internal battle with his need to demonstrate—the old-fashioned way—just how much he wanted her.
Her eyes widened.
‘Sit,’ he said roughly.
‘No.’ She frowned.
‘Fine, then we’ll do this standing up.’ Unwilling to release her hand in case she made an attempt at leaving him again, he set the bag at his feet and took a steadying breath. ‘Thought I was the one who ran away.’
‘I—’
‘Got scared.’ He lifted his brows. ‘You think I don’t know how that feels?’
Her swollen lips formed words that never came. A frown, a short breath and then she blinked. ‘I didn’t think…I mean I thought…’
‘No.’ He shook his head, the sight of the strong-willed woman who had him wrapped around her little finger struggling to form a sentence creating an overwhelming swell of emotion inside him. ‘You didn’t. But I didn’t help any with that, did I?’
‘We knew this wouldn’t last,’ she protested weakly.
‘Did we?’ he asked again as he looked deep into her eyes. It might have been true at the start, but things had changed. At least they had for him.
‘You don’t stay in one place for long.’
‘I never stayed in one place for long because I’ve never known anything else.’ That part she knew, so he tried to explain the cycle the way he understood it with the perspective he’d gained, thanks to her. ‘Because I kept moving, I never got attached to anyone. Because I never got attached to anyone, there was nothing to stop me leaving. I didn’t think I needed a place to call home. But for a place to be a home I think it needs to be more than just a place. And since I’d never got attached to anyone…’
‘There was no one to come home to…’
He smiled. ‘Not till now.’
When her brows wavered, he reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his fingers lingering on the sensitive skin on her neck before he lowered his arm. Taking another deep breath, he started to lay his cards on the table the way he’d rehearsed over and over again.
‘You were right,’ he told her. ‘I needed to figure out why I was angry and do something to fix it. It wasn’t something you could do for me. I wouldn’t have let you try. I’m not saying I’m all the way there but I made a start. Thing is, what you said about not being able to do it alone? That’s how I feel, Liv. I don’t want to do it alone. I feel better when you’re there. You’re the first person I’ve ever wanted to run to.’
When her lips parted on a low gasp, he took a half step forward. ‘I know I don’t make it easy, that’s why I need someone in my life who will tell me when I’m being a jerk and kick me into touch when I need it; someone who knows to push to get me to talk things through, even when I don’t want to. I need you, Liv. You’ve no idea how much I need you. You’re it for me in ways I can’t even begin to explain but I tried to show you when I couldn’t find words.’
‘I didn’t know that’s what you were doing,’ she said in an impossibly soft voice.
A corner of his mouth tugged wryly. ‘Neither did I at the time, but I get it now. It makes sense.’
‘It does.’ She nodded, but her smile was tentative, as if she still couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing.
‘I thought about what I wanted.’ He threaded his fingers more firmly through hers. ‘And I’m here to tell you. I’m ready for this. Now I need to know if you are.’
‘I’m terrified,’ she confessed.
‘Know what scares me?’
She shook her head.
‘Losing you.’ When her eyes shimmered again he choked, ‘Please don’t do that, sweetheart.’
‘You just gotta give me a minute.’
He held his breath and counted to ten as she blinked and took several deep breaths, reminding him of the time he’d felt her shaking and had held her until it had stopped. While they were the same in many ways, he realised when they’d met they had been at the opposite ends of the scale. Where he’d been struggling to feel things, she’d kept her emotions tightly in check because she felt things so strongly.
‘Is that long enough?’
There was a short burst of laughter and then her brows lifted, her voice filled with incredulity as she asked, ‘You thought infiltrating my family was the best way to come tell me all this?’
‘I couldn’t come tell you till I’d fixed as much as I could on my own,’ he explained. ‘I had to sort out my life so I had one to share with you. I’d planned to come find you when I’d worked through it, but when Johnnie landed at the warehouse and invited me to poker night—lame as it sounds—spending time with your brothers made me feel closer to you till I could see you again. They’re like you, you know. You’re better-looking, obviously, but they have the same sense of humour and say similar things and they’re as proud of how you rebuilt your life after being a cop as I am—not that I had anything to do with it. You know they still worry about you, right?’
‘They worry too much.’
‘Yeah, I got that. I told them you can take care of yourself.’ He didn’t tell her the grilling that had accompanied his defence of her when there were still more important things to say. Didn’t matter, anyway—he could handle her brothers. ‘Talking about you helped. I missed you but I wasn’t going to come to you damaged. You deserve better than that.’
‘We’re all damaged,’ she said in a firmer voice as she squeezed his fingers. ‘Why do you think this scares me so much? I tried not to care, really I did, but I couldn’t stop it happening and when I knew how I felt—knowing you would leave—’
‘I’m not going anywhere. I didn’t stop to think about how long I’d been in New York this time till Marty opened his trap and pointed it out, but I’d already been here l
onger than I’ve ever stayed in one place.’ The corner of his mouth tugged wryly. ‘I told myself it was because we were busy but the truth is I’ve been coming back here for years—even if I never found an apartment to stay in. When I left it was more about going where the work was than running away from anything but, now I’ve thought about it, I think it was a sign I was ready to stay in one place and put down some roots.’
‘If you’d told me that I would never have left.’
‘If you hadn’t left it might have taken me longer to work my way through everything. The thought of losing you proved quite the motivator.’ Even thinking about it when she was in front of him created a wave of desperation. He needed everything out in the open, for it to be crystal clear so there was no room for doubt.
Clearing his throat a little less silently than he’d have preferred, he flexed his fingers around hers. ‘If we do this, Liv, I need to warn you there’ll be no leaving me again. Wherever you go, I’ll find you and bring you home so we can work our way through the tough stuff together. I’m talking the whole package here. We’ll start slow this time if that’s what you need to believe what I’m telling you, but I want to marry you, have kids with you and spend the rest of our lives—’
‘Yes.’
Suddenly finding it difficult to breathe, he shook his head. ‘You might want to think it through before you give me an answer. I swear I’ll be the best husband to you I possibly can but I’m not always gonna get it right. I’m far from perfect. I like to think I’m getting better at the whole talking things through thing but there’ll still be times I’ll struggle with that. Old habits…’
‘You’re doing fine.’ She smiled.
‘We’ll still argue.’
‘I know.’ She shrugged a shoulder. ‘But fighting with you kinda turns me on a little bit.’