by Anita Notaro
Outside, I was surprised to find that life was continuing as normal, the sun had come out and everyone was getting to grips with a new day.
Mike tucked me into the passenger seat and sat in himself.
‘Remember the day I was worried that he’d damage your posh leather seats?’ I smiled, remembering how much Pete had loved being allowed to come everywhere with me.
‘I do. I can still see him looking at you as if to say, “Me, ruin a seat, don’t be ridiculous”.’ Mike grinned.
‘Maybe I should take him home and bury him myself.’ I had another moment of panic.
‘You’ve no real garden, have you? And besides, you don’t know how long you’ll stay in the van, so isn’t it better to have somewhere you can always go?’ he suggested. He and Clodagh had mentioned me moving the previous night – I think both of them were worried about security – but I wasn’t ready to leave my little sanctuary yet. ‘Anyway, I’m not sure if you’re allowed to bury a pet in your garden any more.’ He made a face. ‘I bet there’s some new regulation somewhere in Europe.’
‘That wouldn’t bother me,’ I told him. ‘Sure who’d know?’
‘True.’ He started the car. ‘Is there an internet café anywhere around here?’
‘Yeah, just around the corner there. Why do you ask?’
‘I want to show you something.’ He pulled out into the traffic. ‘Which way?’
I gave him directions and, within thirty seconds, we were outside Surf ’n’ Swallow, Bray’s newest technological advancement.
‘Now, before I show you, I want you to know that this was Maddy’s idea.’ Mike seemed a bit uneasy. ‘I’d never intended to show you under these circumstances, obviously, but if I don’t do it now you’ll think I organized it after Pete died, but in fact I was working up to bringing you to meet someone new anyway.’
‘Who?’
‘I just want to show you something, then I’d like to go for a walk along the seafront and explain all, OK?’
‘OK, but it’s cold, and we don’t even have our coats. Couldn’t you explain over a hot coffee inside?’
‘No, because you might get upset, and I want you to be able to get upset if you feel like it, so we need space. Anyway, I always keep a couple of jackets in the boot, so you won’t freeze, and I’ll buy us two takeaway hot chocolates before we start. Deal?’
‘Deal, and I’d like to give you full marks for coming up with an intriguing idea for taking my mind off one of the worst mornings of my life,’ I told him.
‘Thanks, but just remember what I said earlier – today is not the day I would have chosen, OK?’
I nodded, and we headed inside. ‘Order me a large hot chocolate with all the trimmings to take away and whatever you want for yourself then come and join me.’ He handed me €10. ‘And pay for fifteen minutes or so on the net.’
‘Thanks – I’ve no money on me. I’ve just remembered I never even offered to pay the vet,’ I told him.
‘It’s sorted, he’ll send us the bill later,’ Mike said. ‘Now go, do what you’re told while I get set up.’ He headed for a computer.
When I joined him he looked even more nervous. ‘Maddy said I needed to find you a dog,’ he told me as I sat down.
‘But I had a dog.’ I was confused.
‘I know, but she said you’d never gotten over losing Gnasher,’ he said quietly.
‘Gnasher? How do you know about him?’ I asked.
‘Maddy told me, but you told me too, remember? That night in the pub?’
‘Did I?’ This whole thing was puzzling. ‘Yes, I do remember now. I never talk about him usually. But what’s that got to do with anything?’
‘Maddy said I had to find you a Gnasher. I’ll explain why later. But I wanted to show you this’ – he clicked on the screen – ‘because if I didn’t show you now, you’d think I’d done it because of Pete. But the truth is, I’d already done it. Just tell me what you think? Did I get it right?’ He clicked again, and up came a picture of a dog exactly like the one I’d lost all those years ago.
‘I don’t understand – Gnasher died years ago.’ My brain was addled.
‘Yes, I know that, and this isn’t him, obviously.’ He was treating me like a child. ‘See, his name is Pouncer.’ He pointed to a description on the screen. ‘Much more sophisticated.’ He grinned. ‘But he’s a rescue dog, and I had planned, as per Maddy’s instructions, to get him for you. So all I want to know now is, did I get it right? Is he the same sort of dog?’
‘Yes, he’s the image of Gnasher.’ I bit my lip.
‘OK, don’t cry, please. That’s all I wanted to know. Now’ – he clicked out of the site and took up the cups – ‘let’s get out of here and walk and talk.’
48
WE WERE WRAPPED UP – ME IN A JACKET FOUR SIZES TOO BIG FOR me – and on the seafront drinking hot chocolate in less than five minutes.
‘OK, now please explain,’ I begged, as a big mongrel dashed up to us and a young girl apologized and tried to put him on a lead. ‘I miss Pete so much already.’ I looked after the dog as he bounded along, determined not to be caught.
‘OK, where to start is the thing. Maddy and I had a long conversation on the night of the launch. It was late, after she’d finished all the publicity and the press had gone and you and Clodagh were off somewhere, chatting to her mum, I think.’
‘I remember that,’ I told him. ‘I wondered what you were talking about, sitting in a quiet corner.’
‘Well, Maddy asked me if I was interested in you and—’
‘She didn’t?’ I was mortified. ‘She’d never do that to me.’
‘She did, but only after she caught me watching you.’ He put his arm around me. ‘Now will you listen and stop interrupting?’
‘Go on.’ I was beginning to like the sound of this.
‘She said she needed to know, because you were very important to her, and she told me a lot about you, some of which I knew already. She said you’d been a loner as a child, that your mum had been tough on you because of your dad and that you’d spent your life trying to be perfect. She said you’d never gotten over losing your first dog and that she thought you needed another one just like him because you still felt that it was partly your fault he died.’
‘That’s true.’ I could barely speak, because he was telling me this on the day I’d lost another special dog.
‘Also, she said that you felt, deep down, that your sister didn’t care enough about you to mind your dog and that that had sent you even further into your shell. Is that true?’
‘Yes, I suppose it is.’
‘How did he die exactly?’ I sensed he felt I needed to say it aloud.
‘He was annoying Becky, kept running off with her dolls, so she put him outside the gate. He wandered off and was hit by a car.’ I could feel my stomach contracting even thinking about that awful day. ‘I came home from school and couldn’t find him, and Becky said she hoped he was gone for good. I ran up and down the road looking for him, and then one of our neighbours came to tell us a dog had been knocked down in the next street. When I found him he was barely alive, and he died in my arms before we could even get him to the vet.’
Mike said nothing, simply held me while I cried all over again at the horrific memory.
‘I never really felt the same about Becky after that,’ I told him. ‘Even though I knew it wasn’t her fault. I think what upset me most was that neither she nor my mother understood my loss, so while I’d always felt a bit of an outsider because of my father, losing my dog reinforced my aloneness. Oh, don’t get me wrong, we all got on with life and I put it behind me, but somewhere deep down I never felt like they really knew me.’
‘Maddy told me that she thought it was one of the reasons you’d become a psychologist – that you found the family you felt you didn’t have by helping others with their families. Is that true?’
‘I guess it is,’ I admitted. ‘Although I tried to get away from it by specializi
ng in sexual addiction. And it’s not as if I blamed my sister, really. She was too young to understand, she just put Gnasher out of her way, she never wanted anything bad to happen, I knew that. But I think it was that they didn’t realize what he meant to me and, in my book, that meant they didn’t really care much about me. And for years I tried to be perfect, feeling it was all my fault. I think I lost my confidence and worried that I didn’t belong anywhere, really.’
‘Well, Maddy was delighted when you eventually changed your life. She had me rolling around telling me how uptight you used to be. I couldn’t believe it, to be honest, because as far as I’m concerned you’re absolutely bonkers, have been since the first day I met you.’
‘But I wasn’t always, I was very unhappy, actually, now that I look back.’ I smiled. ‘But it doesn’t bother me any more, isn’t that weird? And that’s because I’m finally content with my life. And do you know what I’ve just realized as you’ve been talking – although I know it’s been gradually dawning on me for a while? I’m always going to be OK as long as I’m true to myself. Even though losing Maddy was like losing a part of myself, and this morning, having to do what I did was truly awful, I like what I’ve become. Working with animals is amazing, I’ve learned so much, and I couldn’t go back to the old me, ever. And even though I know I have some sorting out to do with my family – especially Martha, Connie’s helped me see that – I’m OK. And I know my mother has some regrets, and since the funeral we’ve talked, and we’ll get there, I feel. And I’m meeting Becky tomorrow night too, for the first time in ages, so I guess that’s progress.’ I felt exhausted all of a sudden, as if the past few weeks were finally catching up with me. ‘Anyway, go on, finish the story.’ I knew I had to hear the end of this.
‘Well, Maddy said that if I didn’t take it very slowly with you you’d run a mile. In fact, she made me promise to become your friend first before I even asked you out. She offered to help me, in fact. She’d planned a number of fun things for me to do with the three of you.’
‘Such as?’
‘Bringing you ice-skating was one. The circus was another – that’s all I can remember. They were the two most frightening, I think. She said I might have to offer to put my head in a lion’s mouth.’ He laughed. ‘And then there was the dog; she said, in her opinion, a new Gnasher was vital. She didn’t think you even knew it yourself.’
‘I’ve just realized something.’ I bit my lip. ‘She said all this to you on the night she died, yes?’
‘I know, it’s weird, isn’t it?’ he said quietly, and we walked along for a moment or two in silence. ‘Anyway, eventually I took it as a sign.’ He smiled. ‘And you know what I think of all that shite.’
‘I do indeed.’ I laughed.
‘So I set about finding you a dog like the one you lost. Maddy gave me a photo you’d given her, one of you as a child with Gnasher.’ He took his arm away and pulled out his wallet. ‘This one.’ As I looked at it the tears came again. But this time the tears were for me, for all I’d missed out on while I was growing up. I knew now it was no one’s fault, but relationships with children need to be nurtured and mine wasn’t.
‘I’ve just figured out something else that’s odd.’ I pulled away from Mike and stared out to sea. ‘All the dealings I’ve had with people, especially since Maddy died, have involved children or families in one way or another.’ I thought about Denis Cassidy and his new daughter; Emily and her sister; and even about Ronan O’Meara and the son he just might be able to reach out to at last. ‘I’ll tell you more about it another time,’ I told him. ‘But my new life has brought me into contact with loads of people whose family lives are not straightforward. And in helping them, in a small way, I’ve sort of found myself, perhaps because I understand them more now and I know that, at the end of the day, it’s how we feel about ourselves that determines our relationship with everyone else, including our children.’
‘Come here, you poor baby.’ He pulled me towards him and put his arm around me and we continued our walk. ‘It sounds like you’ve learned more out of this changing-your-life thing than most people learn in a lifetime – if that’s not way too deep for an idiot like me, especially so early in the morning.’
‘Well, it’s hardly an ordinary day,’ I said. ‘I’ve seen an animal I adored die because of a decision I made. And now I find out that you’ve found me another.’ I choked back the tears. ‘And I’m not even sure how I’d have felt about another dog if Pete had been still with me.’ I tried not to cry. ‘Yet now that he’s not, the idea seems – I dunno – to comfort me a bit.’
‘Good.’ Mike pulled me close again. ‘That’s enough for me.’
‘But that other dog, he’s not for today, in case I forget to tell you,’ I said quietly. ‘Today is all about Pete.’
‘I know that – didn’t I say it earlier? I knew immediately it was the wrong day, but if I hadn’t shown him to you just now, you might not have believed I’d already found him. You’d think I was trying to cheer you up.’
‘Probably, but then all you’ve just told me is so incredible that it makes finding a new Gnasher the easiest to believe.’
‘Pouncer.’ He grinned. ‘More suited to your new bohemian lifestyle, I reckon. He’ll be pouncing around Bray before long, I hope.’
‘I feel like I’ll never be so carefree again, Mike.’
‘You’ve come on a long journey this past while, that’s for sure.’ He hugged me tight again.
‘I miss Maddy so much,’ I told him. ‘More than I ever would have believed. She used to drive me mad sometimes.’ I laughed. ‘But in a way she was my family. She was a mother and a sister and even a child the odd time. And I really loved her.’
‘I know you did. And I know – maybe more than anyone else, thanks to that last conversation – how much she loved you,’ he said softly.
‘I’m so glad you told me all this today. It’s helped me more than you’ll ever know.’
‘In that case I’m happy . . .’ Mike held my hand then and it felt right. It was the first real boyfriendy thing he’d ever done.
‘Are we . . . you know . . . going out . . . an item . . . whatever?’ I asked him then.
‘I should bloody well hope so, considering all I’ve done for you. Finding that dog wasn’t easy, you know. He’s not even in this country; he lives with an elderly woman in Devon. He belonged to her only child, who emigrated to Australia, and he’s so lively she can’t manage him, so she’s put him up for re-homing.’
‘Another mother-and-child story.’ I shook my head.
‘I think this Pouncer might be a handful, by the way.’
‘That’s OK. Gnasher was bonkers too, that’s why my sister threw him out that day. He was always in trouble.’
‘Well, we could always kickstart this relationship by going to visit him some weekend, if you like?’
‘I’d like,’ I told him.
‘Good’ was all he said. We walked on. After a while, he grinned and said, ‘By the way, I forgot to tell you one last thing. Maddy said I could kiss you, but only after I’d seen the first episode of her new series. That way she said I’d know exactly what I was missing by dating you instead of a proper celebrity.’
‘You kissed me already. Under the mistletoe, remember?’
‘Well, all I can say is, if that’s what you call a kiss, you’re in for a real surprise any moment now.’ He laughed.
‘Well, before you surprise me any further, and in honour of Maddy, I’m now going to take the biggest risk of my entire existence,’ I told him. ‘One that makes changing my life seem like a game of Ludo.’
‘What’s that?’
I turned around and looked him straight in the eye. ‘I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told any man before.’
‘What’s that?’ he repeated.
‘It’s mad, ridiculous, stupid, given that I’ve never even kissed you . . .’
‘Properly.’ He winked.
‘Stop or I�
��ll chicken out, just let me say it . . .’
‘What’s that?’ he wanted to know again.
‘I think . . . I think I’m falling in love with you.’ I held eye contact. For me, that was half the battle.
‘Well, as we’re clearly into major confession territory, I think I’ll have to go one better . . .’
‘What’s that?’ I borrowed his line.
‘Lulu, maddest girl I’ve ever met, even though we didn’t get off to the most eh . . . how shall I put this? . . . conventional start, I know I’m falling in love with you.’ He tilted my face so that we were very close. ‘And there’s only one person to thank for making me see it. And now I think I’d better rectify the kissing thing, don’t you? Otherwise we might have a big problem.’
‘Thank you, Maddy,’ I whispered, just before I found out we’d have no problem whatsoever. And somewhere up in Heaven I just knew that my best friend, along with my much-loved dog, were rolling around laughing as they looked down on us.
Acknowledgements
The first time I heard about an animal behaviourist was when my dog decided my new boyfriend was trying to take his place in the pecking order and bit him on the lip. Mind you, said boyfriend was trying to climb into his bed at the time! My vet John Hardy recommended I talk to Orla Doherty of the Animal Behaviour Centre and she gave me the most amazing insight into the mind of a dog. With her help the dog was sorted and, thankfully, the boyfriend in question stuck around and is now my husband, so it all worked out. And that one dog became two so woof woof to George and Jessie, our two Westies who taught me most of what I know about dogs.
I also need to thank John Ryan, who edited the New York Dog and Hollywood Dog magazines. He sent me some magazines and talked to me as well which gave me a whole other perspective and an insight into how Americans treat their dogs. Jim Stephens of the Pet Behaviour Centre also gave me valuable advice and some excellent reading material which furthered my understanding of how dogs see things. And Eoin Stephens of PCI College talked to me about counselling and particularly sexual addiction therapy, so special thanks to both of them.