Soiled Dove

by Brenda Adcock

  I don’t know what she’ll do if she ever does find him.

  It’s all she seems to live for sometimes.”

  “How did you find out that Clare liked, you know, other women?”

  “By accident. Clare don’t drink much, but one night a long time ago, maybe about twelve years now, we’d had a very hard month. Almost out of money, barely payin’ the hands. About all we had left was a couple of bottles of whiskey we used mostly to clean out wounds on the cattle and horses. We was both tired and thought a few drinks would help us sleep.

  Next thing we know we drank just about all that rotgut. Sometimes too much whiskey can make you feel kinda sorry for youself. Next thing I know Clare is bawlin’ like a baby about her folks, her little brother, their home in Pennsylvania, and some gal named Annalee. I wasn’t feeling much pain by then myself and didn’t think much of it. I already knew about her family and she told me a little about the farm they owned. Sounded real nice. Then she started telling me about how she was the reason her folks was dead. All because of this Annalee. Said the kiss didn’t mean nothin’, but I could tell in her eyes that it did to her. She said they was caught by Annalee’s mama doin’ something respectable girls didn’t do. Guess Annalee’s mama made a fuss and that’s when Clare’s folks up and moved west. Women who do something real shameful could be killed or at least run out of town. So I guess in Clare’s head, whatever happened between her and Annalee made her folks move. Then they were killed and she survived. Been punishin’

  herself for it ever since.”

  “It wasn’t her fault those men attacked her family.”

  “She don’t see it that way. Don’t want nothin’ like that to ever happen again. Made me promise I would make sure she didn’t fuck up. That’s what I been doin’ ever since except when we go to town and she stays with Peg.”

  “Peg?” Loretta was surprised, but remembered what the storekeeper had said about the only friends Clare had. Saloon girls and whores.

  “Peg’s been here almost as long as me and Clare.

  Clare likes her and I reckon Peg feels the same way about Clare. When we go to town I stay with Miss Mavis. So who am I to say anything if Clare spends time with a prostitute?” Ino shrugged. “That Peg. She can keep a secret better than anyone I know.”

  Loretta frowned. Clare spent time with a prostitute and that made it all right with Ino.

  “If you don’t see anything wrong with Clare spending time with Peg, a prostitute, then does that mean it’s only all right as long as the other woman is a prostitute?” Loretta fumed.

  “Whorin’s a sin, being with a whore’s a sin, what Clare does is a sin, so I guess if she has to do what she does, then it might as well be with a whore.

  Everybody has needs and Clare sure ain’t no damn nun. I don’t meddle in her private life.”

  “As long as it’s only with a whore.”

  “Peg won’t tell to save her own skin, so I don’t interfere.”

  “So, if I was a prostitute, a relationship between me and Clare would be acceptable to you.”

  “Yeah, but you ain’t.”

  Loretta wanted to throw her head back and laugh at the irony. She thought all her problems would be solved if she left her life as a prostitute behind and started a new life.

  “Clare won’t mean to hurt you, but she will,” Ino said solemnly. There was a touch of sadness in his voice. “Clare’s my friend and I would be happy to see her happy. I’ll protect her with my life, but she can shut you out in a minute and you’ll never know why.

  Then she goes away for a few days and comes back and acts like the same old Clare.”

  “Do you think she’ll eventually come home, knowing I’m here?”

  “Can’t say. She’s damn stubborn. If she don’t want to see you or talk to you, she won’t, and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  ONCE BRANDING SEASON was in full swing, Clare and her men were out with the herd from dawn to dusk. When the men returned to the ranch at night they were almost too tired to eat, regardless of how wonderful the meal was. The herd was growing at a faster rate than anyone anticipated. The new fence between her property and the Garner ranch had made the herd much more manageable. That, along with using fence riders and night riders, kept the herd from being plundered.

  Clare grabbed the lariat around the neck of a large calf and strode closer to the animal, then reached down and grasped its legs, lifting it slightly until it fell onto its side. She dropped her knee onto its flank and held it while Ino took the branding iron and pressed the design into its hide. Smoke rose lazily from the animal’s skin as Clare stood up and released it to rejoin the herd. She wiped her forehead with the back of her gloved hand and waited for the next calf.

  “Rider comin’!” Frank called out.

  Clare bent down and picked up her rifle when she saw a trail of dust moving in their direction. Her nerves kicked into high when the wagon came into sight and she saw the woman handling the reins.

  “Take a break,” she ordered.

  Clare grabbed the traces of the two horses pulling the ranch wagon as Loretta drew the reins back.

  “What are you doing here?” Clare asked.

  Loretta stepped carefully from the wagon seat and dropped to the ground. “My job. I thought you and your men might be getting hungry. And since you haven’t seen fit to come home to eat for over a week I brought lunch to you.”

  Loretta walked swiftly to the back of the wagon and lowered the tail gate. “It’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she called out.

  Once everyone had eaten their fill of Loretta’s hearty beef stew, they drifted off to work again. Clare lifted the large cast iron pot onto the back of the wagon and secured it for the trip back to the main house.

  “Thanks for bringing food out here. The men appreciated it,” Clare said as she slipped a rope through the handle of the pot. Her eyes darted around searching for anything to avoid looking at Loretta.

  “We need to talk,” Loretta said as she wiped her hands on the skirt of her dress.

  “Nothing to talk about. I need to get back to work.”

  “Nothing… I can still feel your lips on mine, Clare,” Loretta said in a low voice. “Do you expect me to forget that? Have you forgotten?”

  “It was a mistake, Retta. You shouldn’t have come here and I shouldn’t have let you stay. I knew what could happen.”

  “Please come home, Clare. I’ll stay in the cabin until you leave each day. I promise you’ll never see me.”Clare shook her head. “Don’t you understand that I can’t,” she said, her voice cracking. Satisfied everything in the wagon was sufficiently tied down, Clare closed the tail gate and turned away to rejoin her men. Ino was right, Clare thought. Even if she allowed Loretta to stay, what could she offer her? A life spent hiding away from everyone, living in fear?

  CLARE GUIDED HER horse up the incline of the low hills lying along the foot of the Sangre de Cristos.

  She was exhausted. The sky had turned a purple-gray as the sun sank behind the mountains, leaving only its shadow behind. A cool evening breeze drifted down the mountain from the higher elevations and she inhaled the scent of the trees around her as she moved higher into the foothills. She had once looked forward to being alone in the mountains, but now she made the journey with a heavy heart. Her feelings for Loretta, a woman half her age, had intruded on the stable, secure sameness of her life. What was it in Loretta’s smile or laugh that made her feel warm inside? When their eyes met, even while working, Clare could never hold her gaze more than a few seconds, long interminable seconds. If she met Loretta’s eyes longer than that she knew she would drown in them and be lost.

  Clare shook her head and mashed her hat further down on her head, stopping her horse and gazing over her shoulder to the valley below. Far in the distance she could see wispy trails of smoke coming from a chimney, her chimney. She and Ino had picked every stone and set them in mortar to create the massive fi
replace to warm them on the frigid winter nights. Now Loretta was there, humming some nonsensical tune while she prepared dinner. The humming brought a feeling of home to Clare and she secretly listened, almost expecting Loretta to burst into song any moment. Bringing her to the ranch had been a mistake.

  Clare had to get away from the house to save her sanity. She had been so close, too close, to doing something she knew could never happen. Only Ino and Peg knew her secret and neither of them would ever tell. Now, Loretta knew as well and Clare wanted her to leave, to take her infectious laughter and leave.

  She was exhausted and couldn’t wait to fall onto the small bunk in the line shack where her mind wouldn’t spend time thinking about hair the color of the richest honey, questioning hazel eyes, or anything else that reminded her of Loretta Langford. How had she let this happen? Her jaw was still tender where Ino had struck her, but he had only been protecting her from herself. She dragged the saddle and blanket from her horse and threw them over a railing in front of the shack. She released the horse into a small corral partially covered by a lean-to containing feed and water.

  After seeing that the horse was fed, she brushed him and left him to rest before stumbling into the shack for rest of her own. Clare took in the interior of the shack. It only served to keep a person from freezing to death and offered no creature comforts other than the fireplace and a small bed with a straw-filled mattress. A bowl of water for washing up sat next to the bed. A lantern hanging from an overhead beam provided a dim light. Aside from the table and two chairs, there were no other furnishings. There were still dimly glowing embers banked in the small fireplace hearth. She set two logs over the embers and poked them to bring them back to life. While she waited for a meager meal of beans and jerky to heat, she washed her hands and face and pulled a book from the small table next to the bed. She stretched her legs out in front of her and took a deep breath. As soon as she ate something to stave off her hunger she was certain sleep would quickly follow.

  The sound of a horse’s hooves striking the packed ground in front of the shack brought Clare to her feet, reaching for her rifle near the front door. She leaned toward the front window and peeked out. A single rider. Maybe it was one of her hands letting her know there was a problem. She gripped the rifle in her hand and lifted the latch securing the door. She stepped outside and was surprised to find Loretta looking down from the prancing horse.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Clare snapped. “I almost shot you.”

  “I know you want to get rid of me, but that seems a little extreme even for you.”

  “Who told you where this shack is?”

  “Ino.”

  “You’re lying. He knows I don’t want to see you.”

  “And he knows I’m not leaving. Are you ready to spend the rest of your life in this shack simply to avoid me?”

  “You’re fired! Now get the hell off my property.

  Or do I have to get the sheriff out here to remove your fuckin’ ass?”

  Loretta ignored Clare’s rant and slid off the saddle. “I really need some pants if I’m going to ride a horse much.” She bent her knees slightly to work her muscles back into the right place. “My crotch hasn’t been this sore since…” she started. Her face flushed and her eyes avoided Clare’s. “Well, in a long time.

  Got any coffee?”

  “You’re not staying. Head back to the main house before it gets any darker.”

  “Come back with me, Clare.”

  “I can’t. Go back to town so we can all get on with our lives.”

  “You know that old saying about once a clock strikes, it can’t be recalled?”

  “What about it?”

  “Lots of things are like that. Once a kiss has been given and accepted, you can’t take it back. It’s still there. I still feel it when I close my eyes,” Loretta said.Clare grumbled and opened the door to the shack.

  “Damn!” she said when she saw the burned remains of what would have been her meal. She dumped it into the fire.

  Loretta took two cloth-wrapped packages from her saddlebags and carried them into the shack. She unrolled the packages and set out fresh bread and slices of beef and chicken, along with some fresh vegetables from her garden. She quickly set about heating the meat and vegetables over the fire. “I expect you haven’t had much to eat since you decided to run away from home. You’re thinner.”

  When Clare didn’t respond Loretta looked over her shoulder and saw Clare standing in front of the main window, her hands shoved in the pockets of her denim pants. “Come and eat while the food’s hot. If I have to bring your dinner out here every night I might ask for a raise in pay. You’d save money by simply coming home.”

  “I didn’t ask you to come here so I don’t know why I’d pay you extra for it. Maybe I should pay you extra to stay away from me.” Clare picked up the plate of food and ate as if she hadn’t eaten in a week, shoveling spoonfuls of food into her mouth. Loretta poured a cup of coffee and Clare washed the food down. She felt better. She missed Loretta’s cooking.

  She missed seeing her face, her smile. And even missed that damn humming as Loretta worked around the house or in the garden. Unexpectedly, the temperature inside the small shack seemed much warmer than usual.

  Now that she was alone with Loretta, Clare was at a loss for something to say. Following a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Loretta stood up and looked down at her. Clare thought she saw a hint of sadness in Loretta’s eyes and knew she was the cause of it.

  Loretta folded the cloth she had wrapped around the food. “Sleep well,” she said. Her voice was so soft she wasn’t sure she had really said anything as she walked to the door.

  “Loretta,” Clare said, needing to say something.

  Loretta whirled around when she heard Clare’s voice.

  “Thank you,” Clare finished.

  “Just doing my job,” Loretta answered.

  Clare wasn’t sure her knees would support her as she stood and moved toward Loretta. She brought her trembling hand up, hesitating briefly before daring to place it against Loretta’s soft cheek. Loretta leaned into the touch of the rough hand as it stroked her cheek. The cloth in Loretta’s hand fell to the floor between them as she leaned into the touch. Clare wrapped her arms around Loretta’s waist, holding her tightly for a moment as warmth invaded her body.

  Clare breathed in the scent of Loretta’s hair and rubbed strands of the soft, amber hair between her fingers. The feel of Loretta pressed against her made her light-headed. It would be so simple to make the next move, to feel Loretta’s lips against hers one more time. She shivered at the thought. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of horses rapidly approaching. She pulled Loretta’s arms away and reached for her rifle. She motioned Loretta away from the door and peered out the window of the shack. She let out a long breath when she recognized the riders.

  She opened the door just as Ino was preparing to enter the shack.

  “What’s going on?” she asked.

  “There’s trouble. Dewey found where Garner’s men cut the wire again. He started back to get some wire to fix it when old man Garner showed up with the sheriff and about a dozen men,” Ino explained breathlessly. “Claims some of his cattle was grazin’

  near the fence and we cut it to steal his cattle.”

  Clare bolted from the shack and began saddling her horse. “Who’s there?”

  “Frank, Caleb, and the Burress boys. Zeke and me came to get you. Ain’t been no shooting yet, but could be soon.”

  Clare swung into the saddle. Before joining her men she stopped briefly where Loretta stood in the doorway, outlined by the fireplace and lantern inside.

  “Can you make it back to the house alone?”

  “Yes. Hurry and go,” Loretta said.

  FROM THE RISE overlooking the fence line separating her property from Garner’s, Clare saw five small campfires along the boundary line. Kicking her horse in the flanks, she quickly covered the distance
to her men and jumped off her horse, rifle in hand and strode to where her men were attempting to repair the break in the fence.

  “Looks like you got some cheap barbed wire, Clare. Damn shit keeps breakin’ on you,” Thaddeus Garner said.

  Clare picked up a strand of wire from the ground and examined it. She handed it to one of the Burress cousins. “It’s been cut,” she said. “Wonder who would have done such a thing?”

  “Must be rustlers around.” Thaddeus rocked back and forth from the balls of his feet to his heels. “My boys tell me a few head of my cattle wandered onto your side of the fence while it was down.”

  “And they know that because they just sat there on their asses and watched them without doing anything,” Clare sneered. “Do you see any cattle?”

  “No, but–“

  “But what? Those same idiots sat there and watched one of my men drive your cattle through the fence and off to some unknown location without doing a fuckin’ thing? I’d fire the whole bunch of ‘em, if I was you. That is unless you’re deliberately trying to start trouble.”

  “You gonna let that bitch talk to you like that, Pa?” Clement snapped.

  “Tell that puke you call a son to shut the fuck up, Thaddeus,” Clare said. She didn’t want to start a fight, but knew she could provoke Clement. She also knew Thaddeus didn’t hold his son in very high regard. The boy was a hot-head who started more trouble than he finished.

  “Get on back with the men, Clement,” Thaddeus ordered. “I’ll handle this.”

  “Tell you what, Thaddeus, tomorrow when it’s light, you and your foreman can come over here, through a gate of course, and check out any cows you see. If you find one with your brand that might have wandered onto my land, please feel free to take the poor lost baby home.”

  “And give you all night to hide them or alter the brand?”

  “Look anywhere you want. You ain’t gonna find a single steer with your brand. As soon as this fence is fixed we can all go home and get a good night’s rest.

  I’ll expect you early in the morning. This ain’t worth fighting or killing over.”