by Leanne Davis
He leaned back and stared into her eyes, touching her delicious mouth with his knuckles. “Yes, but it was a first. A start. There’s hope it can happen later with us. Did it feel good?”
Her eyeballs darted around. But finally, a little smile appeared on her lips. “Yes. But different from what I was thinking.”
“What were you thinking?”
Her shoulders shrugged under his arms. “I don’t know. More…” Her voice faded off. “More centralized. Like localized right there… not so all-consuming and kind of spreading everywhere.”
He stifled a laugh. He didn’t dare mock her or even appear amused. This was a breakthrough experience for her. His goal was to encourage her to embrace it and not be embarrassed by it. He kissed her again. “Someday, it’ll feel great. And then it becomes exquisite and then you can call it mind-blowing and then…”
Her expression faded. “You can’t read too much into this. You see how hard it was already…”
He embraced her in a big, deep bear hug. “Tara Aderly, quit it. Success. This was a success and there’s nothing to start stressing over or anything else you can say that will change it. Okay? Nothing. We did it.”
She hugged him back. “Ryder?”
“Yeah?”
“I liked it too.”
He kissed the end of her nose. “That’s all I wanted. For you to like it.”
“It’s a little awkward, though, getting it to happen.”
“It’ll become easier. This is only the beginning, you’ll see.”
She shook her head. “I can’t believe I let you do that. Made you do that. But even more alarming, I can’t believe I did it.”
He smiled and so did she. Then her smile vanished and in a serious tone, she said, “Thank you, Ryder. You can’t know how much this means to me.”
He did, actually. He could tell by the serious expression on her face. And by how many times he had watched her struggle, trying to force herself and pleasing only him. Never even remotely thinking to please herself. He kissed her in a long, lingering kiss. “I do, actually, I know exactly what it means. And you’re very welcome. I love you, Tara.”
She closed her eyes and a small, sweet smile tilted her lips up. She whispered, “That feels even better.”
He knew that too. She might learn to enjoy sex, and finally have orgasms. But what Tara really needed and craved was love. Unobstructed and unconditional love. He believed the longer she received that, the easier it would be for her body to graciously but eagerly accept pleasure.
****
Her heart was racing. She did it. Her entire body was tingling and aware. Her blood had finally found a way to flow into each dark corner of her heart and her extremities. She was warm all over. Hot. Nearly burning up in feelings. It was all so much and so new. She never dreamed it would ever happen.
Ryder slept with his mouth slightly open and one arm lying across his bare chest. Her heart lifted and pumped loudly as she stared at his face. She studied every angle of his profile, the shadow of his eyelashes, the bump of his nose, and the fullness of his jaw. Each spot her gaze touched made her heart melt with joy. Love. So much of it bubbled inside her. She had never experienced it before. She touched his mop of curly, unruly, chestnut hair.
He brought her into his life, giving her access to his job, his house, his child, his emotions… and his heart without a moment’s hesitation. He accepted all of her oddities. Her lack of feelings. Her frigidity. Her secrets. He let her keep all of it. And strangely, as impossible as it once seemed, he fully accepted everything about her. His openness and ability to take her as she was released something that was deep and real inside her. He had faith in her when no one else did.
And he trusted her.
She nearly whimpered while he slept so soundly beside her after spending so much time and thought and concern trying to figure out how to give her sexual pleasure. And with no real benefit to him. Why? What other man would undertake such a thing?
And he didn’t even know her real name.
The guilt ripped through her chest. So many times, it perched on the tip of her tongue, and she wanted to say something. To blurt out who she was. Her last name, for God’s sake! But she didn’t because their relationship went from being casual to something deep and in that transition, she stopped feeling comfortable about telling him. She’d been so unsure she could trust him that she refused to tell him. Then, when she suddenly discovered this amazing, loving, fun, hot, affectionate, and wonderful relationship, she failed to bring it up. How could she backtrack now?
So it went, on and on. Fear kept her silent. Her tongue felt thick and useless. She didn’t know what to do. She had never trusted anyone or allowed so much of the real her and her true feelings to emerge and yet, she still didn’t trust him with the one thing she so casually told other, less deserving people. People far less caring or trustworthy.
He’d see his own wife in her. If she told him now, he’d expect more betrayal and the kind of behavior that didn’t jive with what she projected. Just as his wife did to him. She didn’t want to do that.
Tara didn’t want to lose him. Most of all, she didn’t want to lose his trust.
She was so scared, but only of losing him now.
Chapter Twelve
THINGS WERE FINALLY LOOKING up in his life. Ryder felt it in his gut. After years of working through a marriage that first broke his heart and nearly his faith in love, and then working through the anger that ignited him, he’d sworn off romance and commitment. He had Wyatt and his son was more than enough for him to live for. They were a family, just the two of them and they didn’t need someone to fill Ebony’s role. Plus, they had both sets of grandparents and Chloe. They weren’t lacking in anything.
Somehow, Tara got under his skin. That damn shy smile of hers obsessed him and all he wanted to do was entice it to come out. She was so open with his son, even if she was a little clumsy in figuring out how to interact with him, still seeking her place. Despite all the time they spent together, she hadn’t grown too familiar with Wyatt. She still asked Ryder’s permission before doing anything with him, no matter how many times Ryder told her it was unnecessary and Wyatt was just fine to be with her. He liked it when she babysat him or volunteered to play with him. She never overstepped any boundaries with Wyatt. She was respectful to a fault and Ryder had a hard time convincing Tara of her own value before she tried to engage them.
Going towards his truck, Ryder was on a call when he stopped after hearing his name being yelled.
“Ryder!” He turned to see who shouted from across the street and was just about to climb into his truck when Crystal Hughes approached him. She was still dressed in her uniform and he started to smile and say hello when he paused after observing the grim expression on her face. They had worked together for eight years as both friends and partners.
“What’s wrong?”
“You need to come with me, Ryder.”
“Where? Why? What’s going on? Is Wyatt okay?” Fear instantly gripped his heart and his gut, as well as his entire body, and he started to burn with sheer anxiety.
“Yes. Yes, sorry, Wyatt’s fine. Just… please?”
Confused by her demeanor and attitude, Ryder nodded and started to follow her across the parking lot towards her truck. They got in and a deep silence descended. He didn’t try to break it although Crystal appeared to be at a loss for words. They drove a good ten miles before coming to the trailhead of a hiking path that led to a small lake. There was nothing remarkable about it. Heavily wooded and more remote than most, it was one of the least used hiking trails and not as often patrolled for that very reason.
“Something happen here?”
She glanced his way with a tight smile and replied in a cool, but kind voice. “Ryder, please, just come.”
He followed her for a while up the trail until they veered off and traversed the high side of a swamp. While walking, they carefully avoided the skunk cabbage that grew as thick as grass bla
des and carpeted a huge area. Up ahead, Ryder saw police tape and several county agencies. That was not unusual to find at crimes scenes, and Ryder wondered why he was being brought there.
Crystal stopped far enough back from the scene that he couldn’t quite talk to anyone else yet. She put her hand on his shoulder. “Ryder… I don’t know how to say this.”
Completely puzzled, he fisted his hands, sensing it had to be directly related to him, and no doubt negative. He just couldn’t formulate what it could be. “Just say it.”
“We found some remains here. A dog was sniffing excessively in the area and that’s when a hiker found a body.”
“Okay…”
She squeezed his shoulder. “I’m sorry, but we believe it’s Ebony’s remains.”
Everything in Ryder froze. His peripheral vision turned black and his breathing escalated into short, shallow gasps. Ebony? Ebony, as in wife? Remains? Found here? What the hell? This had to be a cruel joke or a terrible mistake.
“She left me. She mailed me a note after wiping out my savings. She left me. She’s not… That can’t be her there. She’s not dead. Those could not be her remains.” He grew agitated and he shrugged Crystal’s hand off his shoulder. He started pacing and his heart raced.
“I know. But she had this, Ryder. I recognized it. I’m sorry. I knew both of you and I was at your wedding. I saw her wedding ring and I identified it. The remains are… mostly ravaged, after being underwater for several years. You…” She cut off her own sentence and paused before adding, “You understand.”
Oh, yes, he knew. He understood. He knew exactly what three-plus years underwater did to a human body. There was no way to know for sure. None. So what if she wore a similar wedding ring? So what? Maybe Ebony hawked it in the next town and the remains they found belonged to the victim who bought it. Or perhaps she stole it from Ebony or… There were so many other explanations to consider. Who knew if it was truly Ebony? Gripping his head with both hands, Ryder used his fingers to massage his hair before clasping his neck. No!
“She’s not dead! She’s gone, but she must still be alive. She left me. I divorced her for abandonment. She isn’t dead!” His voice rose and several heads swiveled his way. Fuck! No. His head began to hurt and he stopped dead. Calmer now, he muttered a final word of protest. “No.”
“Ryder… Whoever this is, there was jewelry that settled in the creek bottom around her, including earrings, a necklace and a wedding ring. Those pearl earrings Ebony always loved to wear. I knew her quite well.” Crystal and Ebony had been good friends after meeting through Ryder. “She was murdered. The victim found here was murdered; most likely. I don’t think she wrote any Dear John note willingly. And she definitely didn’t take your money.” Tears filled Crystal’s eyes and rolled down her face.
Ryder backed up a step. Then he took another. His breathing was erratic. His heartbeat was not right either. Something was wrong. He shook his head and Crystal merely sobbed louder. He couldn’t hear her though because of the buzzing between his ears. She must be wrong. She had to be so damn wrong. His wife left him. She was a cold-blooded bitch that left him and abandoned her own son “to go find herself.” She stole their life savings and disappeared. She abandoned him. She didn’t get… murdered. She wasn’t murdered and left in a swamp for years. Years that he patrolled in this very same area. That could not be the body of his rotting wife… no, oh fuck no! She was not the wife he legally divorced.
He shook his head and Crystal came forward. “We’ll test her DNA and the lab will also determine the cause of death. We have to confirm it, Ryder, but… I need you to realize that it’s her. It’s her. You can come and see the jewlery, or you can just trust me. As soon as I saw her jewelry, I knew. You can come and wait for the official report, and honestly, I get it. But Ryder, it’s Ebony.” Crystal held out Ebony’s wedding ring and he stared at it as if it were a poisonous bug that could kill him. He fought the urge to run away from it but picked it up with a sigh of resignation. Inside, he saw EK & RK etched into the band.
It was his wife’s fucking ring.
Sucking in a deep breath, he leaned forward and fell onto his knees. The wet spongy ground soaked through his pants. He suddenly opened his mouth and proceeded to puke his lunch out.
Chapter Thirteen
RYDER PARKED HIS TRUCK in his usual spot. He’d already been there today, and Tara was surprised to see him back so soon. Her heart swelled with the usual anticipation of his arrival. It still astonished her how often it occurred. His truck rocked on its wheels after he screeched to a stop and jammed on the brake to reduce his much-too-fast approach. He jumped out and entered the café in several long, determined steps. His body language seemed off. His movements were jerky. His expression was hard: mouth compressed and fierce eyes darting around. His hair was more unruly than usual too. He stood in the doorway and their gazes met. She started to smile, but his stern expression stopped her. Shit. Her smile faded at once. Did he find out about her last name? Or that she had lied on the application to work at what turned out to be his café? Did he know the truth? Panic tightened her stomach. She’d meant to tell him prior to this, but it never felt right. She had wanted to say something so many times, and explain who she was, why she had lied, and how she spent the last several years. She wanted to describe the horrible family she had abandoned without sending them a word about her safety or well-being. Not even a note, which was all his ex-wife had left him and his son.
Her fear of the subsequent comparison made the truth much harder to tell. Her tongue seemed thick and clumsy each time she thought about what to say. She also dreaded the way he would look at her differently. She didn’t feel like a homeless waif any longer. She didn’t want to live like the old Tara anymore, or suffer those feelings of isolation. So she just kept her past to herself. Things were going so well. Amazing. It was unprecedented and the longer it went on, the harder it became to tell him the truth.
But he must have known or he wouldn’t be looking right through her now, instead of at her. She opened her mouth to confess her sin but he swiftly cut her off. “Where’s Chloe?”
Surprised, Tara pointed towards the kitchen. Ryder bypassed Tara as if she were not even there. Puzzled, Tara tried to decide if he were angry, however, the strange body language he displayed only intrigued her more, so she followed him. Was he mad at Chloe for doing something? But what? What could it be?
Chloe was busily preparing fresh pies. She glanced up from slicing her apples. “Ryder? Can’t get enough of us?” But her smile vanished and her voice faded. Tara was standing behind Ryder so she couldn’t see his face, but she saw Chloe’s and it alarmed her.
“Ryder? What is it? Something happen to Wyatt?”
Ryder’s head shook in the negative.
“Ryder? What? You’re scaring me.”
He waited a beat before saying in a soft but solemn voice, “She was found, Chloe.”
Who? Who was found? Well, duh. Ebony. That meant Ebony was coming back. Oh shit… that meant a lot of changes for her. But why did he bypass Tara without first telling her? Of course Chloe should be told; she would probably just forgive and embrace her twin sister. But Ryder wouldn’t… right? He’d said that many times. He’d never want her back with him even if she returned. So why would he let Tara find out secondhand, as if Ebony’s return didn’t affect her at all?
Chloe’s eyes were filling with tears and she used a hand to cover up her mouth. Her mouth stayed open in a silent scream. She started shaking her head at Ryder and holding her other hand out to him, shaking her index finger and scolding him. “No! No! No! Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare say it, Ryder Kincaid. Get out! Get out! Don’t you dare say it!”
Chloe’s voice cracked and tears spilled from her eyes.
Tara’s hand covered her mouth. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Her own brain started chanting no with Chloe. How did Chloe know when Ryder never said? But now, Tara saw it. The odd, distant glance, the hopelessness… Ebony was dead.
Ryder stepped forward and held Chloe tightly up against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her petite frame and embraced her without speaking. She gripped his shirt front and turned her head into his chest, crying out in deep wails that made Tara’s own eyes fill with tears. They streamed down her cheeks and she gasped to avoid sobbing out loud. Chloe’s legs buckled and she couldn’t stand up. She cried on and on as Ryder held her next to him, his hand gently patting her back. Resting his head on top of hers, he said things to her in a soft voice, but Tara couldn’t hear what they were.
Tiana, the cook, quietly left the kitchen. Chet watched the scene that was unfolding before him, his expression solemn and shocked. He remained deathly quiet and unmoving as he watched Chloe sobbing in Ryder’s arms. When Tara and Chet made eye contact, they shared a tremulous, sad smile of understanding.
Chloe finally lifted her head, and Tara caught a glimpse of her face. It was covered in snot and tears and her makeup was running. “B-b-but she sent a note. Remember? She told us she had to leave. That she couldn’t continue living here. And couldn’t be a mother or a wife any longer. She told us. It wasn’t right, and she should have stayed here, but don’t you remember? She told us she had to leave.”
“Apparently, she was murdered. She never left us. Someone made her send us that note. Someone else robbed our savings. It wasn’t her. It was never her.” Ryder’s voice cracked as he said her the last time. He was overcome with grief and misunderstanding as he gripped Chloe harder.
“How do you know? Are you sure?”
“A body was discovered in Rathbone Plains. I went out there. It had her earrings and the necklace I gave her for our first anniversary and… along with her engraved wedding ring. It’s definitely her. There will be an official investigation, but Chloe, it’s her. She never left us. She never did that to us.”
Chloe’s wail was long and shrill as fresh tears filled her eyes. Ryder held her as he glanced up at Tara. They finally shared a look. Tara didn’t know what to think; she couldn’t read him. Or reach him. Emotionally, his eyes were flat. Something odd traveled down her spine and she was not sure what to call it, but she felt viscerally different, although she couldn’t understand why.