The Bromeliad Trilogy

by Terry Pratchett

The sound died down to a deep, rumbling purr, a mummummummum that still had a feel-it-in-the-bone quality. Dorcas hurried back and climbed, with a lot of stopping for breath, up to the plank.

  When he got there he sat down and rubbed his brow.

  "I'm getting too old for this sort of thing," he said. "When a nome gets to a certain age, it's time to stop stealing giant vehicles. Well-known fact. Anyway. It's ticking over nicely. You might as well take us out."

  "What, all by myself?" said Grimma.

  "Yes. Why not?"

  "It's just that, well, I thought Sacco or someone would be up here." I thought a male nome would be driving, she thought.

  "They'd like to," said Dorcas. "They'd love to. And we'd be zipping all over the place, I don't doubt it, with them crying 'yippee!' and whatnot. No. I want a nice peaceful drive across the fields, thank you very much. The gentle touch."

  He leaned down.

  "Everyone ready down there?" he yelled.

  There was a chorus of nervous "yesses," and one or two cheerful ones.

  "I wonder if putting Sacco in charge of the go-faster pedal is really a good idea," mused Dorcas.

  He straightened up.

  "Er. You're not worried, are you?" he said.

  Grimma snorted. "What? Me? No. Of course not. It does not," she added, "present a problem."

  "O-kay," he said. "Let's go."

  There was silence, except for the deep thrumming of the engine.

  Grimma paused.

  If Masklin were here, she thought, he'd do this better than me. No one mentions him anymore. Or Angalo. Or Gurder. They don't like thinking about them. That must be something nomes learned hundreds of years ago, in this world full of foxes and rushing things and a hundred nasty ways to die. If someone is missing, you must stop thinking about them, you must put them out of your mind. But I think about him all the time.

  I just went on about the frogs in the flowers, and I never thought about his dreams.

  Dorcas gently put his arm around her. She was shaking. Everyone was shaking to the deep chugging of the motor. But she was shaking worse.

  "We should have sent some people to the airport to see what happened to him," she muttered. "It would have showed that we cared, and –"

  "We didn't have the time, and we didn't have the people," said Dorcas softly. "When he comes back we can explain about that. He's bound to understand."

  "Yes," she whispered.

  "And now," said Dorcas, standing back, "let's go!"

  Grimma took a deep breath.

  "First gear," she bellowed, "and go forward verrrry slowly."

  The teams pushed and pulled their way over the deck. There was a slight shudder and the engine noise dropped. The Cat lurched forward and jolted to a stop. The motor coughed and died.

  Dorcas looked thoughtfully at his fingernails.

  "Hand brake, hand brake, hand brake," he hummed softly.

  Grimma glared at him, and cupped her hands around her mouth. "Take the hand brake off!" she shouted. "Right! Now, get into first gear and go forward very slowly!"

  There was a click, and silence.

  "Startthemotor, startthemotor, startthemotor," murmured Dorcas, rocking back and forth on his heels.

  Grimma sagged. "Put everything back where it was and start the motor," she screamed.

  Nooty, in charge of the hand brake team, called up, "Do you want the hand brake on or off, miss?"

  "What?"

  "You haven't told us what to do with the hand brake, miss," said Sacco. The nomes with him started to grin.

  Grimma shook a finger at him. "Listen, mister," she snapped, "if I have to come down there and tell you what to do with the hand brake, you'll all be extremely sorry, all right? Now stop giggling like that and get this thing moving! Quickly!"

  There was a click. The Cat howled again and started to move. A cheer went up from the nomes.

  "Right," said Grimma. "That's more like it."

  "The doors, the doors, the doors, we didn't open the doors," hummed Dorcas.

  "Of course we didn't open the doors," said Grimma as the digger began to go faster. "We never open the doors! What do we need to open the doors for? This is the Cat!"

  14

  V. There is nothing that can be in our way, for this is the Cat, that laughs at barriers, and purrs brrm-brrm.

  From the Book of Nome, Cat III, v. V

  It was an old shed. It was a very rusty shed. It was a shed that wobbled in high winds. The only thing even vaguely new about it was the padlock on the door, which the Cat hit at about six miles an hour.

  The rickety building rang like a gong, leapt off its foundations, and was dragged halfway across the quarry before it fell apart in a shower of rust and smoke. The Cat emerged like a very angry chick from a very old egg and then rolled to a stop.

  Grimma picked herself up from the plank and nervously started to pick bits of rust off herself.

  "We've stopped," she said vaguely, her ears still ringing. "Why have we stopped, Dorcas?"

  He didn't bother to try to get up. The thump of the Cat hitting the door had knocked all the breath out of him.

  "I think," he said, "that everyone might have been flung about a little. Why did you want it to go so fast?"

  "Sorry!" Sacco called up. "Bit of a misunderstanding there, I think!"

  Grimma pulled herself together. "Well," she said, "I got us out, anyway. I've got the hang of it now. We'll just... we'll just... we'll..."

  Dorcas heard her voice fade into silence. He looked up.

  There was a truck parked in front of the quarry.

  And three humans were running toward the Cat in big, floating bounds.

  "Oh, dear," he said.

  "Didn't it read my note?" asked Grimma.

  "I'm afraid it did," said Dorcas. "Now, we shouldn't panic. We've got a choice. We can either –"

  "Go forward," snapped Grimma. "Right now!"

  "No, no," said Dorcas weakly, "I wasn't going to suggest that –"

  "First gear!" Grimma commanded. "And lots of fast!"

  "No, you don't want to do that," Dorcas murmured.

  "Watch me," said Grimma. "I warned them! They can read, we know they can read! If they're really intelligent, they're intelligent enough to know better!"

  The Cat gathered speed.

  "You mustn't do this," said Dorcas. "We've always kept away from humans!"

  "They don't keep away from us!" shouted Grimma.

  "But –"

  "They demolished the Store, they tried to stop us from escaping, now they're taking our quarry, and they don't even know what we are!" said Grimma. "Remember the gardening department in the Store? Those horrible garden ornament statues? Well, I'm going to show them real nomes..."

  "You can't beat humans!" shouted Dorcas above the roar of the engine. "They're too big! You're too small!"

  "They may be big," said Grimma, "and I may be small. But I'm the one with the great big truck. With teeth." She leaned over the plank. "Everyone hang on down there," she shouted. "This may be rough."

  It had dawned on the great slow creatures outside that something was wrong. They stopped their lumbering charge and, very slowly, tried to dodge out of the way. Two of them managed to leap into the empty office as the Cat bowled past.

  "I see," said Grimma. "They must think we're stupid. Take a big left turn. More. More. Now stop. Okay." She rubbed her hands together.

  "What are you going to do?" whispered Dorcas, terrified.

  Grimma leaned over the plank.

  "Sacco," she said. "You see those other levers?"

  The pale round blobs of the humans' faces appeared at the dusty windows of the shed.

  The Cat was twenty feet away, vibrating gently in the early morning mist. Then the engine roared.

  The big front shovel came up, catching the sunlight.

  The Cat sprang forward, bouncing across the quarry floor and taking out one wall of the shed like ripping the lid off a can. The other walls and the
roof folded up gently, as if it were a house of cards with the ace of spades flipped away.

  The digger careened around in a big circle, so that when the two humans crawled out of the wreckage it was the first thing they saw. Throbbing, with the big metal mouth poised to bite.

  They ran.

  They ran almost as fast as nomes.

  "I've always wanted to do that," said Grimma, in a satisfied voice. "Now, where did the other human go?"

  "Back to the truck, I think," said Dorcas weakly.

  "Fine," said Grimma. "Now – lots of right, Sacco. Stop. Now forward, slowly."

  "Can we sort of stop this and just go now? Please?" pleaded Dorcas.

  "The humans' truck is in the way," said Grimma, reasonably enough. "They've stopped right in the entrance."

  "Then we're trapped," said Dorcas.

  Grimma laughed. It wasn't a very amusing sound. Dorcas suddenly felt almost as sorry for the humans as he was feeling for himself.

  The humans must have been having similar thoughts, if humans had thoughts. He could see their pale faces watching the Cat lurch toward them.

  They're wondering why they can't see a human inside, he thought. They can't work it out. Here's this machine, moving all by itself. It's a puzzler, for humans.

  They reached some sort of conclusion, though.

  He saw both truck doors fly open and the humans jump out just as the Cat...

  There was a crunch, and the truck jerked as the Cat hit it. The knobby wheels spun for a moment, and then the truck rolled backward. Clouds of steam poured out.

  "That's for Nisodemus," said Grimma.

  "I thought you didn't like him," said Dorcas.

  "Yes, but he was a nome."

  Dorcas nodded. They were all, when you got right down to it, nomes. It was just as well to remember whose side you were on.

  "May I suggest you change gear?" he said quietly.

  "Why? What's wrong with the one we've got?"

  "You'll be able to push better if you go down a gear. Trust me."

  Humans were watching. They were watching, because a machine rolling around by itself is something that you do watch, even if you've just had to climb a tree or hide behind a hedge.

  They saw the Cat roll backward, change gear with a roar, and attack the truck again. The windows shattered.

  Dorcas was really unhappy about this.

  "You're killing a truck," he said.

  "Don't be silly," said Grimma. "It's a machine. Just bits of metal. Back, hoe!"

  "Yes, but someone made it," said Dorcas. "They must be very hard to make. I hate destroying things that are hard to make."

  "They ran over Nisodemus," said Grimma. "And when we used to live in a hole, nomes were always being squashed by cars. Forward, hey!"

  "Yes, but nomes aren't hard to make," said Dorcas, hanging on grimly as they smashed into the truck again. "You just need other nomes."

  "Back, hoe! You're weird. Forward, hey!"

  The Cat struck again. One of the truck's headlights exploded. Dorcas winced.

  Then the truck was pushed clear. Smoke was billowing out from it now, where fuel had spilled over the hot engine. The Cat backed off and rumbled around it. The nomes were really getting the hang of him now.

  "Right," said Grimma. "Straight ahead." She nudged Dorcas. "We'll go and find this barn now, shall we?"

  "Just go down the road, and I think there's a gateway into the fields," Dorcas mumbled. "It had an actual gate in it," he added. "I suppose it would be too much to ask you to let us open it first?"

  Behind them the truck burst into flames. Not spectacularly, but in a workmanlike way, as if it were going to go on burning all day. Dorcas saw a human take off its coat and flap uselessly at the fire.

  He felt quite sorry for it.

  The Cat rolled unopposed down the dirt road.

  Some of the nomes started to sing as they sweated over the ropes.

  "Now, then," said Grimma, "where's this gateway? Through the gate and across the fields, you said, and –"

  "It's just before you get to the car with the flashing lights on top," said Dorcas slowly. "The one that's just coming up the road."

  They stared at it.

  "Cars with lights on the top are bad news," said Grimma.

  "You're right there," said Dorcas. "They're often full of humans who very seriously want to know what's going on. There were lots of them down at the railroad."

  Grimma looked along the hedge.

  "This is the gateway coming up, is it?" she said.

  "Yes."

  Grimma leaned down.

  "Slow down and turn sharp right," she said.

  The teams swung into action. Sacco even changed gear without being asked. Nomes hung like spiders from the steering wheel, hauling it around.

  There was a gate in the gateway. But it was old and held to the post with bits of string in proper agricultural fashion. It wouldn't have stopped anything very determined, and it had no chance with the Cat.

  Dorcas winced again.

  The field on the other side was brown soil. Corrugated earth, the nomes called it, after the corrugated cardboard you sometimes got in the packing department in the Store. There was snow between the furrows. The big wheels churned it into mud.

  Dorcas was half expecting the car to follow them. It stopped instead, and two humans in dark blue suits got out and started to lumber across the field. There's no stopping humans, he thought glumly. They're like the weather.

  The field ran gently uphill, around the quarry.

  The Cat's engine thudded.

  There was a fence ahead, with a grassy field beyond it. The wire parted with a twang. Dorcas watched it roll back, and wondered whether Grimma would let him stop and collect a bit of it.

  You always knew where you were with wire.

  The humans were still following. Out of the corner of his eye, because up here there was altogether too much Outside to look at, Dorcas saw flashing lights on the highway, far away.

  He pointed them out to Grimma.

  "I know," she said. "I've seen them. But what else could we have done?" she added desperately.

  "Gone off and lived in the flowers like good little pixies?"

  "I don't know," said Dorcas wearily. "I'm not sure about anything anymore."

  Another wire fence twanged. There was shorter grass up here, and the ground curved.

  And then there was nothing but sky, and the Cat speeding up as the wheels bounced over the field at the top of the hill.

  Dorcas had never seen so much sky. There was nothing around them, just a bit of scrub in the distance. And it was silent. Well, not silent at all, because of the Cat's roar. But it looked like the kind of place that would be silent if diggers full of desperate nomes weren't thundering across it.

  Some sheep ran out of the way.

  "There's the barn up ahead, that stone building on the horiz –" Grimma began. Then she said, "Are you all right, Dorcas?"

  "If I keep my eyes shut," he whispered.

  "You look dreadful."

  "I feel worse."

  "But you've been Outside before."

  "Grimma, we're the highest thing there is! There's nothing higher than us for miles, or whatever you call those things! If I open my eyes I'll fall into the sky!"

  Grimma leaned down to the perspiring drivers.

  "Right just a bit!" she shouted. "That's it! Now, all the fast you can!"

  "Hold on to the Cat!" she shouted, as the engine noise grew. "You know he can't fly!"

  The machine bumped up on a stony track that led in the general direction of the distant barn.

  Dorcas risked opening one eye.

  He'd never been to the barn. Was anyone certain there was food there, or was it just a guess? Perhaps at least it'd be warm.

  But there was a flashing light near it, coming toward them.

  "Why won't they leave us alone?" shouted Grimma. "Stop!"

  The Cat rolled to a halt. The engine ticked ove
r in the chilly air.

  "This must lead down to another highway," said Dorcas.

  "We can't go back," said Grimma.

  "No."

  "Or forward."

  "No."

  Grimma drummed her fingers on the Cat's metal.

  "Have you got any other ideas?"

  "We could try going across the fields," said Dorcas.

  "Where would that take us?" said Grimma.

  "Away from here, for a start."

  "But we wouldn't know where we were going!" said Grimma.

  Dorcas shrugged. "It's either that or paint flowers."

  Grimma tried to smile.

  "And those little wings wouldn't suit me," she said.

  "What's going on up there?" Sacco yelled up.

  "We ought to tell people," Grimma whispered.

  "Everyone thinks we're going to the barn."

  She looked around. The car was closer, bumping heavily over the rough track. The two humans were still coming the other way. "Don't humans ever give up?" she said to herself.

  She leaned over the edge of the plank.

  "Some left, Sacco," she said. "And then just go steadily."

  The Cat bounced off the track and rolled over the cold grass. There was another wire fence in the far distance, and a few more sheep.

  We don't know where we're going, she thought. The only important thing is to go. Masklin knew it. This isn't our world.

  "Perhaps we should have talked to humans," she said aloud.

  "No, you were right," said Dorcas. "In this world everything belongs to humans and we would belong to them too. There wouldn't be any room for us to be us."

  The fence came closer. There was a road on the other side. Not a dirt road, but a proper road with black gravel on it.

  "Right or left?" said Grimma. "What do you think?"

  "It doesn't matter," said Dorcas as the digger twanged through the fence.

  "We'll try going left, then," she said. "Slow down, Sacco! Left a bit. More. More. Steady at that. Oh, no!"

  There was another car in the distance. It had flashing lights on the top.

  Dorcas risked a look behind them.

  There was another flashing light there.

  "No," he said.

  "What?" said Grimma.

  "Just a little while ago you asked if humans ever gave up," he said. "They don't."

  "Stop," said Grimma.

  The teams trotted obediently across the Cat's floor. The digger rolled gently to a halt again, engine ticking over.