by Abbey Foxx
Now the tears come? Fucking hell. This is embarrassing.
“Make me laugh.”
“I’m not sure-.”
“If you don’t make me laugh I’m going to cry. People are going to start looking at us in a weird way and we are both going to feel embarrassed. Tell me a joke.”
“A joke?”
“Yeah, you have those in England, right?”
Jasper gives me a look that for no other reason than him giving it to me, makes me feel a thousand times better.
“Ok. It’s going to be a stupid joke.”
“The stupider the better.”
“You have to laugh.”
“I will if it’s funny.”
“You know you’re putting a lot of pressure on me right now. Forcing me to drink, forcing me to make you laugh.”
“Are you stalling for time?”
“No I'm just-.”
“I’m getting bored now. The moment is passing.”
“Ok. I said to the gym instructor, can you teach me to do the splits.”
“Go on.”
“Have you heard this?”
I shake my head.
“No.”
“Laugh anyway, even if you have.”
“I haven’t heard it.”
“So I said to the gym instructor, can you teach me to do the splits, and he said, how flexible are you?”
Jasper pauses to sip at his beer, the joke already making him stifle a giggle.
“I said, well I can’t do Thursdays.”
“That’s a shit joke.”
“Why are you laughing then?”
“Because it’s a shit joke.”
I am laughing, and it is a shit joke, and I’m laughing because it’s a shit joke.
“Your turn.”
“What do you mean my turn? You’re supposed to be cheering me up here.”
“I’m not even supposed to be here.”
“Well you wouldn’t be if you’d stopped Topher when you should have done.”
“If I had have done would you be here?”
“I’m not even going to entertain that line of thought.”
“Then tell me a joke instead.”
I look away and then look back to him, those perfect eyes of his boring deep inside me. I wonder again, briefly, what it’s like to lie alongside him.
“Alright. How do you kill a circus?”
“A circus?”
“A circus.”
“How do you kill a circus?”
“You’re ruining the joke.”
“I’m not the one telling it.”
“Exactly.”
“Go on.”
“You’ve probably ruined it now.”
“I promise I’ll laugh anyway.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Of course.”
“How do you kill a circus?”
Jasper shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“Go for the juggler.”
I can’t help but laugh and Jasper joins me.
“That’s shitter than my joke.”
“At least you laughed.”
“Ok, I’ve got another one. This’ll make you laugh.”
“If anyone says that before telling a joke it means the joke isn’t funny.”
“Come on, don’t be a dick, just watch.”
“Watch?”
“It’s a visual joke.”
“Please don’t do the elephant.”
“Come on, Penny. I’m not that crude.”
“No, right, of course not. Rugby player that likes to get his dick out at any opportunity.”
Jasper frowns at me.
“You know, if you let me. I saw the way your eyes lit up when you were watching that video.”
“That was purely for work, I told you that already.”
“Alright, relax, I’m not going to do the elephant here. I will, however, do the elephant for you in the privacy of your home or mine if that’s something that appeals to you.”
“You live in a hotel room.”
“It’s still my home.”
“I’ll let you know.”
“You may have trouble resisting playing with the trunk once you see it. I know a lot of other girls have struggled.”
“That’s the funniest thing you’ve said all night.”
“I’m deadly serious.”
“That’s what makes it so funny.”
Jasper does that mock hurt look he seems to have perfected and I have to hold back another laugh.
“Alright, I’m going to do it.”
“Not the elephant, please, I might have trouble resisting.”
Jasper’s smile lights his whole face up.
“I knew it.”
“Come on, before I have to get another pint.”
“Alright, are you ready?”
“Whenever you like.”
Jasper composes himself. He squashes his cheeks in with his palms so his lips smush together and his mouth can barely open to push out the words. “Bus driver?” he says in a weird child like voice, and I can’t help but laugh.
With his hands momentarily away from his cheeks and his face back to normal, he says, “What?”
Again Jasper squashes his face together into a rumpled mess. “Bus driver?”
This time the voice is more insistent, a little more whiney.
“What” comes the level response, once he’s removed his hands once again.
Finally, for a third time Jasper squashes up his face by digging his palms into his cheeks. He pauses for a moment, making me wait for the word.
“Bus driver?” he says again, the voice strained and desperate. “Open the doors.”
It’s so funny I can’t breath for laughing. My voice gets caught in my throat and tears come to my eyes, this time not because I’m upset. It’s funny anyway, but even funnier to see Jasper perform it. When he’s done, he’s smiling so much I can see both rows of his teeth.
“That was, unexpected.”
“I think brilliant is the word you’re looking for. I told you you’d laugh.”
“You’re right, that was brilliant. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I feel better now.”
“That’ll be the two pints.”
“Not just.”
“Now you just need to tell Topher.”
“And we can run off together into the sunset.”
“You make it sound like you had it planned all along.”
“Not with a season to win.”
“Or with a boyfriend of three years.”
I’m gripping the glass so tightly it’s lucky it doesn’t smash.
“Maybe it’s time for a new one.”
“Your words not mine.”
“Yeah.”
Silence drips over us like an old friend.
“I’m here when you need me.”
Jasper has his hand on mine and I’m not asking him to take it away. I’m just staring at it, wondering what it would look like if it stayed there for a lot longer.
“I should go.”
“Should isn’t always the easiest thing to do.”
“Graves, Jasper.”
Even if I wanted him I can’t, not yet anyway. Not until this mess of a relationship is sorted out. Not until I can lose myself without falling so far I can’t come out the other end. Not until I’m sure.
Jasper holds his hands up in the air again. “I didn’t say you needed a new boyfriend.”
“Just a new lover.”
“Just a bit of fun.”
“Is that all it is to you?”
“It’s never just that, Penny. I’m just the kind of guy that doesn’t have luck with the girls.”
“Is that what you call it? I think I’ve read at least five hundred stories that might go some way to disputing that.”
“I’m never the one to leave first and I never cheat, did you read that too?”
“Maybe your jokes aren’t good enough then.”
“Maybe I just haven’t found the girl that appreciates them yet.”
“You will.”
“Maybe I already have.”
“Not now, Jasper.”
I’m already half way up. I need to leave before I know that I won’t.
“Whenever you need me, Pen.”
“I know. Thank you, again.”
A handshake seems like a dumb way to say goodbye, a kiss too. I mean, I kissed him after he scored that touchdown and I immediately regretted it, but that was in the heat of an emotional sporting moment and this? This is a quiet Irish pub and I feel a little tipsy. Thankfully Jasper makes the moment easy for me. Just before I escape, he takes my arm, and pulls me in towards him for a deep, thoughtful hug. I press my head against his chest, allow him to gather me up, feel light kisses against the top of my head and hold on for as long as I can before it seems inappropriate, hoping all the time it will never end.
When I finally pull away from him, he’s looking at me in that way that tells me he’s telling me something and as much as I’m trying to avoid it, he knows I’m telling him it too, loud and clear, as though I’m on fucking loud speaker.
I shake my head but I’m smiling too. “Ass-hole.”
“See you in training, Penny.”
“Not if I see you first.”
Seven.
Jasper
Topher’s black eye lasts just under a week. If Harrison could afford to kick him off the team as well as kick his ass, he would. I’d love to have a go too, but his bases are already covered. Penny didn’t quite cut his dick off, but the way Topher tells it, boastfully and without shame, she wasn’t far off. She confronted him, he denied it until he was blue in the face, begged for mercy like the snivelling shit he is and tried to convince her she was mistaken. When she showed him the text messages he begged for forgiveness. The following morning his clothes were strewn all over the lawn in front of his house.
Topher doesn’t even give a shit. It’s an inconvenience for him more than anything else. Penny made his life easy, but it could have been anyone. In Topher’s own words,
“Any hole is a fucking goal. I’ll just find some other dumb bitch.”
I nearly banged his head for that in the locker room before practice, and then I sacked his ass as hard as I could out on the field when we got there.
“Fuck man, take it easy.”
He’s already said he’s going at the end of the year, whatever happens, and neither Harrison nor Penny are going to try and stop him. I haven’t seen Pen all week, but that’s not surprising, especially if she want’s to keep out of Topher’s way. Harrison is showing restraint in a situation that must be killing him. If my daughter just got trodden on, I’d find it a lot harder to restrain myself from just a single punch. I’ve got to say though, it had the desired effect. Topher was totally fucking humiliated, right in front of every single member of his team. Harrison just strode up to him, asked him to take off his helmet and socked the motherfucker right under his eye. After that, he told him to put his helmet on and head out to the field, his eye already closing up fast, the rest of us just standing there in complete and utter silence.
Topher’s moved out to a hotel while he finds something a little bit more permanent although what he says is, “Until Penny takes me back.”
The guys more arrogant than I am, and definitely way more fucking delusional if he actually believes that. I get the impression he’s just saying it to look like it’s not affecting him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the meat head actually thought it were possible.
At the weekend, and despite my performance in the previous match, I’m on the fucking bench again and Jackson goes out in the position I should be starting in. I wait patiently to get put on, and then when we end the first half 10-0 down, I become a little bit more vocal about my opinions. Harrison is busy chewing off Topher’s ear for what he says is another sub-par performance, but it doesn’t matter. I know that if they put me on I can change this up and I’m not going to let Harrison waste that opportunity because he fucking hates me. I mean, he’s playing Topher and the guy just cheated on his only daughter. That puts me way higher up on his Christmas card list.
“Put me on.”
Harrison growls at me.
“Not yet, Jasper.”
“What the fuck? With all due respect, Sir. You’re a fucking idiot.”
“Put him in, Harrison. Jackson’s doing shit.”
Harrison points his thick finger at Topher before it comes to me. “You don’t get to say anything to me. And you-.”
“Fuck you, Topher”, Jackson adds.
“Fuck me? How many yards have you run today? One, three?”
“If I was given space to run in.”
“So it’s my fucking fault now is it?”
Hunter stands up to face him. He’s about a foot taller than Jackson and about a hundred pounds heavier. “Yeah. You look like you’re made of glass out there.”
“You’re on your ass too quickly to see me stop them coming for you.”
“Yeah right, when? Next game?”
“Shut the fuck up, the pair of you. Jackson I’ve been watching you and you’ve done shit. You’ve all done shit. Topher you’re throwing the ball like a little girl from the second grade. Hunter, Jackson’s right. Twice I’ve watched you get folded over, twice more pull yourself out of a tackle. No one is doing what they should be.”
When I’m not even halfway done speaking I’ve got six of the team stepping to me.
“It’s a fucking embarrassment. You, all of you should be fucking embarrassed. None more so than you, Harrison.”
“Excuse me? You don’t get to talk to me like that.”
“Someone has to.”
“I’m going to fine you, Jasper, see if I don’t.”
“Then fucking fine me, do what the fuck you need to do. I can’t sit here any longer and do nothing. You are all capable, I’ve seen the way you play in training, I’ve seen you run, Jackson, you block, Hunter, you throw, Topher and you, Harrison, command. Where the fuck are your balls?”
“Penny cut Topher’s off I reckon.”
Jackson’s comment makes Harrison growl.
“Fuck you, Jackson.”
“Alright, Jasper. What do you suggest, seeing as you are suddenly a fucking expert.”
“Put me on. They are weak on the right hand side, if you take out seventy-two and forty-eight.”
“What fucking right hand side?”
“I don’t know what the fuck you call it, the defensive line that’s been smashing Jackson into the ground. You take out seventy-two and forty-eight you can get through the gap straight up the fucking middle.”
“You want to go straight up the middle?”
Jackson is sniggering to himself.
“Well why the fuck didn’t I think of that?”
I ignore Harrison and turn to Topher. “If you release me, I can get up that field so quick nobody will be able to catch me. You know that-.” I turn back to the group. “-You all fucking do. I can score on running plays or you can release me and float the ball into my hands. I can catch and I can run you’ve all seen it in training. Fuck, you saw it last week. Use me.”
“Are you going to shut the fuck up if I put you on?”
“No, not until you do it week in week out and I prove to you that we can start winning again.”
Harrison spits into a bucket on the floor.
“Jackson you’re off.”
“What the fuck?”
Harrison jabs his finger into my chest. For a guy that can’t be more than fifty, he looks like he’s been chewed up and spat out. I don’t know how something as beautiful as Penny has come from this, but I can tell she’s got his fight or at least the fight he used to have.
“Don’t fuck this up, Jasper.”
“Are you serious?” Jackson butts in.
“Do I look like I’m joking? You’ve had a chance, Jackson. Too many fucking chances actually. Jasper’s
been on the field less than a minute and with his first touch he scores a touchdown. Already those stats are better than yours.”
“Beginner’s fucking luck.”
“We’ll see.”
Jackson’s sore, I get it, but fuck him. If he can’t do what he’s suppose to do, then he shouldn’t be out on the field. I square up to Hunter. He’s my height, my build, but fat like a walrus. I don’t get how these guys can call themselves athletes looking like this. I know they don’t move very far but that’s half the fucking problem.
“Pull out of a tackle again and I’ll show you why you shouldn’t.”
“You stepping to me, English?”
“I don’t fight girls.”
“Oh, you think that’s funny?”
“What I think is funny is that you don’t put on a bra before you go out and play.”
“Motherfucker.”
Hunter comes for me then but he’s way too slow. He lurches, swings out, pushes through the rest of the players but only gets close when I let him. I push his arm behind his back, drop my knee into the back of his and put a choke hold on him when he smashes to the ground.
“That rage, Hunter, you feel it inside you, right?”
“Get off me you prick.”
“That’s what I need you to do out there.”
I let him wriggle away and cough back air into his lungs.
“Faggot”, Topher calls out and Hunter is up on his feet so quickly Topher has to take a few steps back before he gets another black eye.
“I’m going to fucking kill you, Jasper.”
“Alright, just do it after the game if you’re going to do it at all. Besides which, you might want to kill their linebacker first. I heard him cussing your mother on the way into the locker room. I didn’t want to say anything, but-.”