by Abbey Foxx
Harrison cares more about his daughter than his club, which I have to admire. I just wish he knew how serious I was about being with her. None of that will matter, however, if he’s forcing me out and I have to go back home to finish my contract at Corsham.
Monday is two days away. That gives me hardly any time at all to call them and get this sorted. I knew this moment was going to come eventually, I just didn’t expect it halfway through the season, right at the start of my relationship with Penny, when Moxlin Tiger’s finally have a chance to make it to the play offs and turn their fortunes around.
Can I really go back to England now, and do I even have a choice to refuse? This is completely fucked up.
When I get back home I call Dougie. I’ll talk to Penny later when I’ve worked out what options I have left. The call clicks through almost immediately, and I get the impression they’ve been waiting for me to get in contact.
“Very impressive, Jasper. You’re all over the news.”
“I guess I’m just a natural.”
“I have to say, I expected to see a bit more of you doing a bit more of what you do here. You know, drinking, threatening journalists, fucking everything in a skirt.”
“What can I say? America has matured me.”
“It’s time to come home.”
“What did they say?”
“You’ve been fined, which the club has agreed to pay, and you’ll need to do a course, which we’ll talk about when you get back. I take it Harrison has spoken to you?”
“He gave me some plane tickets.”
“Business class, Jasper. We only thought it fair. You seem to have made a name for yourself out there.”
“It’s halfway through the season, Dougie.”
“Corsham need you, Jasper. I take it you’ve been keeping up.”
“I’ve been keeping up. You’re shit without me.”
“Then you’ll be itching to get back.”
“Like I say, Dougie, it’s halfway through the season here.”
Dougie clears his throat. He’s being patient, formal. “We’re giving you a few days to adjust and then you’ll be straight back into it. Just how you like it.”
“What’s happened to my contract here?”
“Absolved, which means your contract automatically defaults to Corsham Rugby Club. There’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“This club will fall apart without me playing.”
“That’s not our concern, and it’s certainly not Harrison’s. Tie up all of your loose ends and get on the plane, you’re coming home, no two fucking ways about it. I don’t care if you’ve fallen in love with American football, you’ve found the future mother of your children or you’ve already fathered a family of four, you are getting on that plane whether you like it or not, because from right now, you belong to Corsham. Break that contract and you’ll be acting illegally. Also, your work permit is about to run out, just so you know.”
Not so formal anymore.
I click off. I need time to think about what has just happened. Best game of my life, worst possible moment to follow it. Harrison couldn’t be happier even though it means his club will sink. I don’t know what I could possibly have done to make him hate me so much. Alright, I haven’t got the best of reputations and that night out after the first game was a bit of carnage, but since then, and since Penny and I have been routinely fucking, I haven’t put a foot wrong.
This is fucked up. I’m contracted to a rugby club in England that are obliging me to return. Moxlin Tigers have just ended my contract, which means I technically don’t have a visa to stay here any more, and then, mixed up in all of this is Penny, the girl I’ve fallen head over heels in love with.
I can’t leave Penny, which means she either comes with me, or I don’t go at all.
I need a fucking drink.
Penny
This cannot be happening. We are only halfway through the best season we have had in years, Jasper and I have real long term potential together, he’s supposed to be contracted with us for at least until the end of the season, and now this. They are lifting the ban and pulling him away. I wasn’t even consulted. This is my player, and I wasn’t even spoken to before the decision was made.
I’m trying to concentrate on the implications this has for Moxlin Tigers and forget about the implications it has for Jasper and I as a couple, because I don’t want to believe it. If Jasper goes, this is the end of us. No more bad jokes, office fucking and posh restaurants. Jasper would go back to his life, and I’d have to work out how to live mine without him.
Dad doesn’t seem to be affected by this in the way I expected of a man who is likely to see his beloved football club collapse. If Jasper goes, it isn’t just the end of our relationship, it’s the end of Moxlin Tigers too. Forever. We won’t survive this without him, he’s that important to the future of this club.
“There’s nothing we can do.”
“If we lose Jasper, it’s the end.”
“There’s nothing I can do, Penny. They want their player back.”
“He’s under contract here until the end of the season.”
Dad sighs. “Not any more he’s not, they bought him back out.”
“You sold him? You sold our best player?”
“He’s not even our player, let alone our best one, and he never was anyway. This isn’t his sport and it’s not even his country. We can get a real football player with the money they gave us. We’re 4-4 Penny, there is every chance we can survive.”
“Without Jasper we’d be 0-8 and you know it.”
Dad shakes his head. “This fucking club does not revolve around Jasper Stone.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m telling you now.”
I’m so mad and so hurt I want to cry and scream at the same time. Dad just doesn’t seem to get it. No wonder Moxlin Tigers have been losing for the last three years. The problem isn’t the players, it’s the fucking management. The problem is Harrison Locke.
“Jasper and I are together, you know that.”
“Look, Penny. Jasper doesn’t belong here, he never did. You knew this was only ever going to be temporary, and at the best, until the end of the season. Jasper was always going home. Whatever you think you feel for him, forget about it and move it.”
I can’t believe I’m hearing this from my own father. Forget about it and move it. Way to be sensitive, Dad.
“That’s your advice?”
“How serious can you two be anyway? I mean, come on. Three years with that pitiful excuse of a human being Christopher Cole and now immediately off the rebound into the arms of the first man that shows interest in you. I’m doing you a favor.”
“You’re making a huge mistake.”
“Well thankfully I’m the one that gets to make it.”
“Refuse the money and uphold the terms of the contract.”
That makes Dad laugh. It almost makes him stand up out of his chair and square up to me like he would do if I were one of his players back-chatting him.
“Go home, Penny.”
“Please, Dad, don’t send him back.”
I am crying now and I can’t help it. This has got to be the first time in at least fifteen years I’ve cried in front of my dad. The look he gives me makes it clear he’s not exactly comfortable with it either. Always a man of little affection beyond the manly hug, Dad looks like he’d rather escape completely than face his crying daughter.
“It’s done, Penny. The flights are booked, the contract has been reneged.”
“Please.”
“There is nothing else I can do. As of Monday night Jasper is no longer covered by a work visa here.”
“I’ll go with him.”
Now Dad gets up out of his chair and comes over, but I don’t let him get close to me.
“No you won’t.”
“I will, I’ll go with him. Fuck this club. Fuck this country.”
“And what do you think will happe
n when you do? Do you think Jasper’s going to be able to fit you into his life as though you were always meant to be part of it? Do you think he really cares about you that much?”
I don’t know how to respond and Dad leaps on the gap in the conversation.
“This is a fucking vacation for him. Do you understand? The rules aren’t the same. He knows that he can fuck you for a year, try and win a superbowl as though he’s some kind of superhuman and then go home at the end of it without worrying about any kind of attachment.”
I shake my head, but I still can’t speak.
“He’s playing you, Penny. It’s what he does. It’s comfortable for him. Getting laid, staying in a nice house, having a tour guide to make his transition into a different country as easy as it could be. He hasn’t even sorted out an apartment for himself yet.”
“That’s not Jasper.”
“Oh no? That first night when he got drunk and naked in the middle of Moxlin and woke up in a stranger’s house, is that Jasper?”
“Not anymore.”
Dad jabs his finger at me and I almost bat it away instinctively. He lowers it when he remembers who he’s talking to.
“You can’t see it, but I see it every day. You’re going to hurt yourself, Penny, like you did with Topher. I’m doing you a favor. If Jasper stays until the end of the year, how much harder do you think it’s going to be when he leaves?”
“You know what?”
Dad moves to behind his desk again, back into business mode.
“I’m all ears.”
“You’re the one that’s scared, not me.”
“And how do you figure that?”
“You’re scared of letting go. Of Moxlin, of me, of every decision that has to do with this club and it’s players, you’re scared.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“I don’t know you anymore. I thought you always had the best interests of this club at heart, but you don’t. You’re too old for this Dad, too rotten.”
“Careful, Penny.”
I shake my head. “I don’t care what you think about Jasper, I know you hate him, I understand that. I know you’re worried about me too, but guess what, I’m not your little girl anymore. I’m old enough to make my own decisions and instead of trying to protect me you should try and respect me, because what you’re doing is pushing me away and not bringing me closer. You’ll lose me, like you’re losing everything else.”
For a moment Dad looks like he’s going to soften. I think I see the possibility of the recognition of doing something wrong in his eyes and then as quickly as it arrives, it disappears again and they cloud back over. With a dismissive wave of his hand, Dad undoes several years of close bonding between us.
“It’s over. Get over it.”
I can’t hold back another wave of tears. I give him one last chance to make amends.
“Dad, please don’t do this to us.”
“Have a good weekend, Penny. I’ll see you here on Monday morning as usual.”
I can’t believe how cold he’s being. I’m stunned by his insensitivity. Ok, Jasper and I have only been together officially for a few weeks, and my last relationship wasn’t exactly a perfect example of matrimony, but there’s no need for him to behave like this, even if there is nothing we can do about it.
He’s my father and he can see I’m hurt and he should be supporting me, even if somewhere in the back of his mind he thinks he’s doing the right thing for me by sending Jasper away.
I go to my office, and then I go to the restrooms and then I go out to the field and I walk the distance from goal post to goal post wondering what the fuck I can do. There is a message on my cellphone from Jasper that says “We need to talk”, but I don’t have the courage to face him yet, nor the decision that might have already been made for us either.
I want beer and bad jokes and bed time with Jasper, but I don’t want any of those things to be the last time that I get them so I walk, loops of the field, wondering how I can save this, the silhouette of my father watching from the window of his office above.
It wasn’t all that long ago that Jasper confessed his love for me. It wasn’t all that long ago that I confessed it back to him too, and now this. It’s not like this is the middle ages, and a boat back across the sea is a forever thing, I mean, we have planes and the world is smaller than it has ever been at any point before, but I also know that long distance relationships hardly ever work.
America to England is a hell of a long way, without even factoring in the problems with visas. I’ve never lived away from home before either. I’ve never even been out of this country for Christ sake. What if I have trouble adjusting? What if that puts pressure on our relationship and we end up breaking up anyway? What if Dad is right and Jasper only ever wanted a one year thing?
Fuck.
How can a life collapse twice in the space of a couple of months? How can I go from getting married to being single to finding the love of my life and then losing him all in a matter of weeks?
Maybe it is best that he goes. Maybe I should just forget about him before I’m in too deep, and look for someone and something else. There are plenty of people like Jasper Stone in this world, right? Plenty of men out there for me.
I’m in the corner of the field where Jasper walked the ball and a member of the opposition team five yards into the end zone. Somehow I’ve gravitated here without thinking about it, and as I allow the turf to come into focus, I see divots, chalk marks and rough patches where the grass has broken.
I kneel down and run my hands along the marks the trailing players toe caps carved into the grass and I think about him, that singled minded determination to win at all costs, whatever that cost might be.
Before Jasper, this place was a desert. The crowds had all but disappeared, the hopes of the players and the coaching staff shattered. My life was a mess too. I didn’t know what happiness was until Jasper came along, and now, after a mere taste of what could be possible between us, it’s being taken away from me. No, it’s being violently ripped away from me.
I need to speak to him. I need to see Jasper and sort this out. Dad watches from the window above like a demon and I watch him watching me rush out of the stadium, the rest of my life about to run away from me in the space of a couple of days.
If this is a goodbye, I’m saying it quickly so I don’t get emotional. The best break ups are the ones where you sever contact and don’t look back. The locker room in which we fucked, the corridors he walked in and out of, the sweat, the tears, the musk of a hundred nights of pain for a single moment of glory.
It’s a reckless decision, but I’ve nothing else left. My hand has been forced. After this year, after Dad has driven the Tigers into the ground, and the stadium, the players, the history and everything else with it has been sold to a faceless multinational, there’s going to be nothing left for me here anyway.
I don’t even bother going back upstairs. Instead, I take the quickest route to the parking lot and I don’t look back. I can feel it looming over my shoulder like a vulture about to strike, the metal of the stands braced against the darkening sky as though holding back the night itself.
If I stop to think I won’t do it. If I let doubt creep in it’ll cripple me. A lifetime’s worth of memories for a couple of months of happiness is more than a worthwhile trade for some, but it’s not going to be enough for me.
This isn’t just a couple of people fooling around with each other, I’ve seen that and I know what it’s like. This is way more than I could even begin to describe to do it justice. It’s me and him, and everything else falls by the wayside to make it work, one hundred percent.
My hands are shaking as I try to get the key into the car, urgency and expediency never having been as important as right now. My brain is going at a million miles an hour, and as much as I try to avoid it, I can’t help hopping from doubt to disbelief and and all the way back again.
Jasper could be packing. What if Jasper really wan
ts to go? And then the worst, the one that has my stomach turning knots and my knees weak because of it, what if he doesn’t want me to come with him?
I’m not a rash person. I make decisions after hours of thought, taking time to weigh up all of the possible permutations. I rarely act on impulse and ‘spontaneous’ is definitely not a word I’d ever use to describe myself, but here I am, driving away from one life and into another at sixty miles an hour.
I’m mad at Dad for letting this happen, mad at Corsham too for requesting something they shouldn't even be allowed to consider. For this season, regardless of the possibility of the ban being lifted, Jasper Stone is our player. He belongs here, at Moxlin, in my bed, alongside me.
We signed the deal because the chance of his ban being reduced was considered to be less than one percent. We signed the deal because they wanted their bad boy rugby star out of the media for long enough for the bad press to die down. Haven’t we done that? Hasn’t Jasper been a respectable representative here in Arkansas? Apart from that first minor fuck up, of course, Jasper has been a consummate professional and an even more consummate lover.
We shouldn’t even be considering giving that up. I’m definitely not going to give him up without a fight either. Alright, they want their star player back, alright, they’re having a shitty season, but guess what? Corsham will survive, Moxlin won’t, and right now Jasper Stone belongs here and nowhere else.
The ring on my cell phone makes my heart leap. I shouldn’t look at it, but instinct makes me do it. I know it’s going to be Jasper and I don’t want to let it ring out. I try and dig it out of my bag, but I can’t do it without looking down. I’m zipping along the road faster than I should be just to get to him, my brain a mess of thoughts, my head panicked and my body so shaky I feel like I’ve drunk a full liter of coffee.
I only look down for a second, maybe even half that, but when I look up I know it’s already too late to avoid it. The back of the lorry comes towards me at what feels like a thousand miles an hour, the traffic ahead suddenly stopped.
I’m conscious when the windshield breaks, I know that because I hear it, like the piercing screams of a thousand demons. I’m awake too, to feel the engine block shift towards me and the car crumple up like an origami model. There is a trickle of what feels like water dripping down my forehead and the last thing I remember before the world closes off entirely is the name I see on my cell phone.