His eyes widened and the goofy grin he held faded. “You did?” His voice cracked. “I uhh…” He smoothed his hand down the back of his neck.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it’s nothing. It’s a chest cold that’s running its course. And because I didn’t want to see the look you have on your face right now. You worry too damn much and I can’t stand being the cause of it all.”
He stood up and shrugged out of his jacket. Again, the simple motion sent him into a coughing fit, and he ducked his head, almost like he was trying to hide something from her.
“Jack?”
It was as if he couldn’t control his body, and his posture slouched. He finally looked up and she saw the blood on his lips and his eyes roll in the back of his head as he fell backward, falling hard against the floor beneath him.
“Oh my God, Jack!” His breathing was labored and she dug in his pocket for his phone. His eyes were slightly open, but he wasn’t responding to her. “Oh my God, Jack. I’ll get you help!” She dialed 9-1-1, the seconds ticking like hours as she watched her unconscious husband struggle to breathe. Grabbing his hand, it felt cold and clammy, and for the first time since she had known him, he didn’t squeeze back. His fingers lay motionless against hers, his usual tan skin a blue tint.
What was wrong with him?
“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”
“We need an ambulance, and hurry. My husband fainted!”
Chapter Ten
Alice paced the waiting room, unable to take another minute of the game shows on the TV. Her mother and Jack’s had joined her, neither saying much as they played the waiting game with the doctors.
“Alice, dear, come sit down. I can get you some coffee.” Her mom stood beside her as she stared out of the window out onto the street.
“The smell.” It was all Alice could think to say.
“What?”
“I can’t take this smell. All hospitals smell this way.” She wiped her nose with a tissue and faced her mother. “And I don’t think I can drink anymore of the sludge they call coffee. I just want answers.”
“I know, dear. There’s a bad cold going around. And you said yourself – Jack is stubborn about the doctor. Maybe he just let it get out of hand.”
She couldn’t take any more speculation. She must have ran the possibilities through her head a thousand times, only to keep going to the worst case scenario. She even tried to avoid her phone to research things. It was more than a cold. Her gut was telling her that much.
Sitting down, she tried hard not to cry. His mother seemed calm as she flipped through a magazine. How could she be? Her son was laid up in the ER and they had no answers. Maybe it was patience she had developed after her husband died. All Alice knew was she envied how relaxed she seemed.
She took a moment to study the other people. What else was there to do to pass the time? Several people waited, each of them appearing tense, but not on the level she felt. A couple of kids fought over a cup in the corner, their mother complacent to the bickering as she talked with another woman beside her. A man clutched his wife’s hand and the breath caught in Alice’s throat. If Jack were beside her, they’d be holding hands too. Instead, he was being prodded and poked, and God knows what else.
“Jack’s tough, Alice.”
Ms. Turner spoke, her words almost an echo, like she was in a distant tunnel.
“I know,” Alice whispered. “He is.”
“It’s all going to be okay.” Ms. Turner patted her knee. “Why don’t you step out and get some fresh air? You look like you’re about to have a heart attack.”
“No, I can’t leave. I want to be here when the doctor comes out to talk to us.” She knew the moment she left, that’s when they’d have something to tell them.
“I’m not much of a praying woman, and I never really taught Jack either, but sometimes it’s comforting to send a quick word up. You did all you could do. You got him here. He’s getting treated.”
Alice wasn’t in the mood to be lectured. “I get it, Ms. Turner. The problem is that Jack has been sick for a while now and he should’ve gone to the doctor weeks, if not months ago. I should’ve pushed him harder. I should’ve made him go.”
“Take it from me, Alice. There’s no making Jack do anything. Don’t blame yourself for this. We don’t even know what’s happening yet. He’s a firefighter. He might just need a break and let his lungs recover from all the crap he breathes in every day.”
All the crap he breathes in every day. The words hit Alice hard. Before she could respond, a doctor stepped into the waiting room. Despite the fact that the area was full of people, Alice knew he was there for them.
“Turner family?” He looked around the room and repeated himself. “I’m here for the Jack Turner family.”
Here came the moment of truth and after all of the waiting and pacing, Alice wasn’t sure she was ready. Standing up, they joined him near the coffee bar.
“I’m Dr. Stevens. You’re Jack Turner’s family?”
“I’m his mother and this is his wife Alice and her mother.”
Alice was grateful she had the composure to introduce them. She was too on edge.
“We have Jack stabilized. We’re going to move him up to the ICU within the next hour. As for what’s going on, we don’t have a clear picture of that yet. His O2 stats were in the seventies when he came in on the ambulance, and that’s a dangerous level. We’re going to run tests and do scans, but at the moment, he is stable.”
“Is he awake?” Alice asked. She was slightly relieved, but at the same time, they still didn’t know anything.
“No. We have him sedated at the moment. As soon as we get him to the ICU, we’ll start on the tests. We did do a CT of his chest, but that won’t come back for a bit yet. That will give us a clear picture of his lungs so we can see what’s going on to make his O2 fall so drastically. I’m sorry I don’t have more for you at this time, but the pulmonologist assigned to him will have more answers once we get him moved. We’ll have a nurse come get you once he’s up on the fourth floor, and you can see him, but it’s family only and only two visitors at a time.”
Alice felt like the doctor was rushing. Why wasn’t he telling them more? She wanted to yell out for answers, but before she could get her voice to work, the doctor left, leaving them to wait, yet again.
“We still don’t know…” she trailed off and sat in a chair, this time, the warmth formed in the corner of her eyes and the tears slowly trickled down her face.
Her mom squeezed her shoulder. “He’s stable, Alice. That’s important.”
“Yeah, stable on machines.” She wasn’t a person who panicked. Why was she on the verge of losing it? The room felt like it was closing around her, so she got up and walked up and down the hallway as far as she could get before they restricted it to hospital staff only. She went back and forth, several times, before they were informed that they could go up to the ICU.
“I’ll stay back. You two go see him first.” Her mother released her hand.
“You’re sure?” Ms. Turner asked.
“Definitely. I’ll wait out here.”
Alice didn’t care who went with her. She just wanted to get back there and get a glimpse of him. The nursing staff was busy hustling around, and she was oblivious to all of the other sick people in beds nearby. All she knew was that Jack was in bed seven and that’s all she cared about.
A nurse sat outside his semi private bed, studying a computer screen. His brow was creased, and she wondered if it was Jack information he was looking over. Noticing them, he stood up and extended his hand.
“I’m Dave. You must be Mr. Turner’s family.”
Alice shook his hand. “I’m his wife and this is his mom.”
“Good to meet you. He’s still asleep, but we’re weaning him off of the sedation, so he might be in and out of it for a bit. Feel free to stay as long as you want. Dr. Parsons is the pulmonologist assigned to him, and we
expect him to stop by any time now.”
Alice felt the bile form in the back of her throat. She wanted a visit from the doctor, but at the same time, did she really want to hear what he had to say? Walking in the room, the breath literally got knocked out of her chest. Jack was asleep with a nasal cannula in his nose. There was a pulse-oximeter on his finger, as well as an IV hooked up to the back of his hand. She looked up at the readings on the screen above him, but she didn’t know enough to understand.
Standing at the side of his bed, she held his hand, making sure to avoid all the chords and lines hooked into the IV.
“Jack, it’s me, Alice. Can you hear me?” His eyebrows raised and his jaw clenched. Looking at his mom, she said, “He always does that when he’s sleeping and hears me.”
“He knows you’re here. That’s good.”
“Jack, your mom is here too. How are you feeling?” It felt stupid to ask, but she knew she had to keep talking to him.
Again, his eyebrows moved and his eyes opened, only for a split second, but enough that she felt he got a good look at both of them. A quiet moan vibrated in his chest.
“Jack, squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”
His hand moved, and though it wasn’t strong, he responded to her. Though he was in this situation in intensive care, it made Alice feel a lot better knowing he was responsive.
“The doctor is supposed to come in here later. Maybe he’ll tell us what’s going on so we can get you better.”
Her words caught in her throat and she wiped away the tears before they could fall. His mother walked toward the door and patted his foot.
“I’m gonna let your mom come in for a second and get some food. You need anything?”
Shaking her head no, she kept her eyes on Jack. “No, thanks. I’ll stay here and see if he wakes up.”
There was no way she could even think to stomach anything, and she feared leaving his side with a chance that she’d miss something. She traced his hairline and fanned her fingers through his hair. He always liked that, and she hoped it would help soothe him.
“Your mom stepped out for a minute, Jack, but my mom is here now. She’s just on the other side of the bed.”
Jack turned his head, but his eyes didn’t open. It seemed like a hard task for him, but again, at least he understood her. Alice’s mother observed him for a second, and then looked up at the monitors.
“Everything looks good, Alice. His O2 is up to about ninety-five and his heart rate is strong. That’s good, honey.”
She didn’t say it out loud, but Alice wondered what that number would drop to if they took him off of the oxygen. She hated being so negative, but that’s when the truth would come out. Could Jack handle being off of the machines helping him breathe?
As if he could hear her thoughts, his eyes shot open and he immediately reached for the cannula, jerking his hand from hers to try and pull it out. He lurched for a second, acting like he had no clue where he was.
“Jack, calm down. It’s me Alice, and my mom.”
He lifted his head to get a better look at her, and he stared at her, blinking, like he couldn’t gain focus. The nurse came in to check on the commotion, but Jack had settled back down into the pillow, keeping his consciousness. Alice nodded toward the nurse and when he was content that the situation was under control, he left them alone again.
“Jack, it’s good to see you awake.” Alice forced a smile, holding his hand again.
“Where…” he coughed again, his voice gritty. “Where am I? What happened?”
“You’re in the hospital, Babe. You fainted back at the house. We’re just waiting on the doctor to give us some answers.”
He stretched his legs out and closed his eyes. “I’m thirsty. Can I have some water?”
“Let me go ask the nurse. I don’t see anything in here.” Alice poked her head out. “He’s awake and wanting something to drink. Can he have some water?”
Dave skimmed through a stack of papers and shook his head. “No problem. I’ll send someone to get him some. He’s got some fluid on his lungs so we need to keep him hydrated to keep it loose.”
“That’d be great.”
Fluid on his lungs? Did he have pneumonia? Maybe that’s what caused all of this. Though it still wasn’t pleasant, Jack could get over the pneumonia and get back to life. Maybe she was overreacting.
A young woman came in the room and handed Alice a cup full of water. She washed her hands and placed the straw on his lips. Taking it, he acted like he had never had a drink of water. He finished off all of it and Alice set the cup aside. She noticed her mom had left the room, and they were alone for the first time since bringing him in.
“How are you feeling?”
“Not bad right now. I can actually breathe.” He squeezed her hand, his pale complexion still a haunting sight. “Please don’t worry yourself, Alice. I can’t stand to see you with such worry on your face.”
She pulled up a chair and sat down, keeping her hand in his. She had to pick her words wisely. They were both exhausted and sensitive. “You’re in the ICU, Jack. How can I not worry right now? You’re my husband. Telling me not to worry is like telling you the same thing if I were in that bed and not you.”
“I’m glad you’re not. I wouldn’t wish how I was feeling on anyone. But I’m here and I’m feeling a lot better. I don’t even remember fainting.”
“Jack, it was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. And you were coughing up blood.”
Before he could respond, a doctor walked in. Dr. Parsons was stitched into his white lab coat, and a stethoscope hung around his neck. Alice suddenly felt the urge to puke. What was he going to have to say? Were they prepared? She held out hope that it was a bad case of pneumonia and he could go home in a few days.
Extending his hand, he shook both Jack and hers. “Hello. I’m Dr. Parsons. Jack, it’s good to see you awake. How are you feeling?”
“Not bad. Just wondering what’s going on.”
The doctor nodded and looked at Alice. “You must be his wife, right?”
“Yes. Alice Turner.”
He put his stethoscope in his ears and checked Jack’s chest. “Sit up for me.” Jack did as he was told, and Dr. Parsons listened closely before pulling the stethoscope off.
“Well, we’ve ran some tests and looked at the CT scan.” He paused as he leaned against the sink counter, folding his arms over his chest. “There’s something we caught that is a bit alarming. There appears to be a good-sized tumor in your right lung. You also have double pneumonia, which is a side effect of the tumor and the reason you fainted.”
There was no sugar coating it. Alice admired his bluntness, but it took her a second to process what he had just told them. A tumor? Looking down at Jack, he looked just as scared as she was feeling, his eyes wide as saucers as he stared up at the doctor.
“A… a tumor?” Jack repeated, his voice shaking. “I uhh… what now?”
“We’re going to run more tests. We’ll need to do a bone scan and we’ll also need to check and see if it has spread to lymph nodes or other areas of the body. Mr. Turner, how long have you been having issues?”
“Issues?” Jack repeated.
“Coughing, shortness of breath, anything out of the ordinary.”
He looked at Alice and back to Dr. Parsons. Alice couldn’t even put a timeline on it. Looking back, it was probably longer than they should have let it go, and another pang of guilt coursed through her at the possibility that they could’ve caught this sooner.
“Well, I’m a firefighter, so coughing and shortness of breath are something that happens all the time. I’m not sure I can answer that.”
“How long have you been a firefighter?” The doctor jotted down several notes.
“Almost ten years.”
“Isn’t he a little young to be getting lung cancer?” Alice cut in. She had so many questions and her patience was wearing thin.
“Not necessarily, especially with his profession
. With the years he put in on the job, we won’t even be able to accurately pinpoint when the onset was. All we know is this – the tumor is too large to operate. After we run these other tests, we’ll have more answers. It’ll give us a better idea of options we can take in treating this.”
“Options? Will I have any since you said the tumor is too big?”
“Chemotherapy and radiation are possibilities if it hasn’t spread too much. We are going to stay optimistic, but Mr. Turner, since this has gone this long untreated, our hands are tied. You are young and that is on your side. Like I said, we’ll know more in a few hours. If you have any questions, please give me a call, or talk to Dave. He’s a great resource to have. I’ll be back as soon as I know more.”
Alice wanted to pick his brain for more, but he probably didn’t have the answers she wanted. Jack clamped down on her hand so hard that it felt like he was about to break it. She was on the verge of crying, but again, the tears didn’t come. Maybe she was putting up a strong front for him, or maybe, she was in complete shock over what they were just told.
“Cancer.” Jack stared up at the ceiling as a solitary tear fell.
The room was quiet aside from a few beeps from the machines, the drip of the IV, and the hustle and bustle on the other side of the semi private door. Alice ducked her head and closed her eyes. What was she supposed to say? She couldn’t even say the word out loud.
“Say something, Babe.” Jack ran his fingers through her hair and she lifted her head.
“What do you want me to say?”
Jack adjusted the cannula and cupped her cheek. “I don’t know. He pretty much sucked the air out of this room, didn’t he?” A faint smile parted his lips, but there was no light behind his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“For not taking all of this more seriously. I should’ve come in when you suggested it. I should’ve been more careful with my lungs.”
Alice shook her head, feeling the warmth finally fall. “No, you’re not gonna do this.”
“Do what?”
“You’re not gonna sit here and blame yourself for this, Jack.” She was scared to death, but a wave of bravery shot through her out of nowhere. “We’re going to see what the tests say. You’re young. You can beat this.” She refused to give up this soon. She couldn’t let Jack give up.
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