Alice squeezed his arm. “That means a lot, Frankie. We appreciate it.”
“Jack’s a hard ass. This is just temporary. He’ll be back stronger than ever.”
Alice didn’t know what to say back, but forced a smile as Frankie made his way back to the group. Why was she being so negative? Over and over again, she told Jack to keep fighting and here she was, doubting everything. What a hypocrite. The air was too thick in the house. Stepping out onto the back porch, she took in the fresh air.
Staring out into the yard, she imagined a couple of kids laughing, giggling, and running through the yard. She pictured Jack out in the driveway, shooting hoops with their son. How wonderful would it be to see him slumped over the engine of a car, teaching the child how to repair it?
“Alice?”
Turning, she saw Jack in the doorway. “Hey Babe.”
“They all headed out. Thanks for calling them over. You okay?”
She wiped the stray tear on her cheek away, forcing a smile. “I was just daydreaming.”
Stepping farther out onto the porch, he couldn’t completely get to her due to the oxygen chord not reaching. She cut the distance, sliding closer to him.
“Daydreaming about?”
She held his hand, feeling like there were a million knots in her stomach. Shaking her head, she looked back out into the yard. She had to be strong for him. How would he handle it if she mentioned children?
“Nothing. It’s stupid.”
Jack arched his eyebrow and followed her gaze. “You’re tearing up over nothing? C’mon, Babe. Talk to me. I don’t want you clamming up on me. Not on top of everything else.”
She swiped the moisture under her eyes and leaned against the railing on the porch. “I was thinking about how awesome it’d be to see a couple of kids running across the yard, playing. Maybe seeing a little boy shooting hoops with you.” Her voice cracked. “You’d be a great father, you know.”
“I always wanted to be one,” Jack replied, leaning on the railing with her. “You’d be a great mom, too. You’ll be a great mom,” he said, his grip tightening around her hand.
“It’s not too late for you to be a dad, Jack.” She had no idea where this was coming from, but it hit her blindside. In fact, it felt far-fetched, but with the little time they were working with, she had to let it all out. “You want kids, right?”
Jack pursed his lips as he thought about her question. “That’s a loaded question, Alice.”
“How so? You’ve told me before that you’d love to start a family.”
“Back when I wasn’t sick. Back when I didn’t have a tumor the size of Texas growing in my lung.” He bit his lip as his eyes welled up. “Of course I want kids. I want them with you. But you’re gonna move on from this and find another man who loves you. You’ll grow old together and witness the very thing you were just daydreaming about.”
Alice shook her head as the tears flowed freely. This is not how she wanted the conversation to go. “I want a child with you, Jack. There’s still time. You’re still here. You always talk about your father’s legacy and continuing it. It doesn’t have to stop.”
Jack raked his hand through his hair. “There’s too much to think about right now. I meet with Dr. Parsons soon and he’s going to want to know about chemo. If I do the treatments, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna zap any shred of sex drive I have left. That’s something to think about. Not to mention that it can cause infertility.”
“Yeah.” She stared back out into the yard. “I guess we need to take it one step at a time.” It was stupid to even bring it up. Jack had too much on his plate. Pressure to have a child would just make him weaker. “I’m sorry that I said anything.” She started for the door, but his hand stopped her.
“I’m glad you told me. No more keeping anything to ourselves. With less than a year on this earth, I want to know your every waking thought.”
“You might regret that, Jack. My mind is a scary place.”
“Scarier than where I’m at right now?”
His question sent a chill down her spine. It was best to leave that one unanswered. She had no idea how to respond to it.
***
“Your O2 is up to a decent level. How have you been feeling?” Dr. Parsons scanned over Jack’s chart.
“Not bad. I’d hate to think how I’d feel if I wasn’t on the oxygen.”
“Are the meds doing okay? Any bouts of coughing? Any blood?”
“Nothing out of the ordinary. I’ve just been tired. Lot’s on my mind.”
Alice sat across from him, hating to see him up on the examination table. The doctor’s office smelled just like the hospital had, spawning horrible memories of when he had first been brought in by the ambulance. It was like there was an elephant in the room. The chemo question was never going to go away. She hated that she was so hell bent on him doing it and he was hesitating. It was ultimately his decision, but she still couldn’t let it go.
Dr. Parsons turned to face them, his expression stern. Here it came. “Have you made a decision about treatment?”
It was as if the air got sucked out of the room, and Alice closed her eyes. The anticipation was killing her.
“I’ll start the treatment and we’ll see how it goes, Doc. I’ve gotta admit something. I’m pretty scared about it. I’ve heard that sometimes chemo kills people long before the cancer would have. Is that true?”
Dr. Parsons folded his arms over his chest, almost shocked that Jack asked such a question. “It does weaken immune systems and is hard on the heart.”
“Trading one issue for another,” Jack replied.
“In a sense, yes.”
Jack looked at Alice and held eye contact for a few seconds. “Like I said, I’ll start the treatments. We’ll take it one day at a time. I guess I don’t have very many days to wait.”
“We can get you started on your first one today. There’s a room set up. With as aggressive as your cancer is, it’s best to move fast. I’ll get everything squared away and have a nurse come get you here in a few minutes.” Dr. Parsons left the room.
“Jack, if you’re doing this because I want you to, don’t base your decision solely off of that.”
He slid off of the examination table and walked to the counter. Sifting through a few of the magazines, he ducked his head and let out a deep breath. “We’ll give it a shot, Alice. I’ll do anything for you. If chemo means I can add some time with you, I’ll do it.” He cupped her cheek and she leaned into his callused palm.
“Okay, Jack. Like you said – one day at a time.”
Annie stood aside as they hooked him up to the IV. She had never seen him as nervous as he looked – his eyes wide, his hands balled in fists as they adjusted everything. Too bad chemo didn’t serve as a calming effect.
“Okay, Mr. Turner. You’re all set up. We’ll come check on you in a few minutes. If you need anything, please let us know.” The nurse patted him on the arm and offered Alice a smile as she walked back to the nurse’s station.
“Well, so far so good,” Jack said, his hands still in fists. “You look like you’re about to puke, Alice.” He smiled, and it was so genuine that it made Alice’s heart melt.
“I’m so proud of you, Jack.”
He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “I’ve been poked and prodded with so many damn needles recently, this is a walk in the park.”
Annie hoped he’d keep the positive attitude. She had done tons of research on cancer treatments and knew that this was nothing compared to when the side effects would start kicking in. Maybe he was still strong enough to ward off some of the bad ones. Maybe he’d be one of the lucky ones that didn’t get any symptoms at all. Something had to go their way. Maybe, just maybe, this was the turning point and he’d be okay.
Emotions crept up again, and Alice felt the burning sensation behind her eyelids. She had cried so much, she wasn’t sure if there was anything left in her tear ducts. Rather than let Jack see her cry yet again, s
he made an excuse to head to the bathroom, where she locked herself in a stall, hiding from the real world, even if it was just for a few seconds.
People came in and out, and finally, after she was unsure of how much time she had stayed there, she put her brave face back on and went back to Jack. A nurse was pulling his IV out.
“Done already?”
“Yes ma’am. He’s scheduled for the same time tomorrow. We’re going to administer daily for a week, and then back off a bit to give his body a chance to grow some healthy cells. Dr. Parsons wants to be aggressive with the treatment. Mr. Turner, I have to warn you that you might start feeling the effects sooner than you think. You’ve received a strong dose. If you have any complications you can’t handle, go to the ER and they can contact Dr. Parsons.”
“Complications I can’t handle,” Jack repeated. “That sounds promising.”
It terrified Alice. Now wasn’t the time for Jack to be prideful, and she hoped he’d be honest if something happened.
“Let’s get you home, Jack. You need to get some rest.”
Chapter Thirteen
It had been four days since Jack had started his chemotherapy. Four treatments under his belt, and Alice could see the wear and tear it was causing to his body. She couldn’t sleep at night, thinking about the pain he was going through. How could she be so selfish to make him live his last few months suffering only to add on possibly two months to his life? A part of her thought the doctor was wrong. She wanted to believe that the chemo would be the miracle that would save his life, but after witnessing the physical decline he was going through in just four days, she was becoming a chemotherapy skeptic herself.
Jack wouldn’t admit it, but he was hurting. The love he must feel for her to put himself through it made her feel even worse. It was her time to show how much she loved him.
Rolling over in bed, she reached out to hold Jack, but he wasn’t there. Sitting up, she flicked the lamp on, noticing the light peering underneath the door of the bathroom. Kicking her legs off the side of the bed, she leaned in, trying to hear what was happening on the other side. It was quiet, and a lump formed in her throat. Was he okay?
“Jack?”
She heard his labored breathing, and she turned the knob, surprised that it was unlocked. Jack was lying on the floor, his head resting against the tile, his nasal cannula out of his nose and beside him.
“Oh my God, Jack.” Kneeling, she noticed he had thrown up in the toilet and in the trashcan nearby. She eased the oxygen back on, his skin cold and clammy. “Do I need to call an ambulance?”
Jack squinted up at her and shook his head no. “I’ve been in here… in here all night.” It took a bit for him to catch his breath, but finally, the oxygen worked its magic and he was able to breath okay on his own.
“I’m so sorry, Jack.”
“For what?” He sat up and leaned against the wall. He was covered in sweat and his hair was matted to his forehead. He looked pale, and Alice was scared to think about how long he had been without air. She was two seconds away from going ahead and calling the doctor, but he seemed to calm down.
“For putting you through this. You gave chemo a chance and it’s made you worse.”
“I didn’t think it’d tear me up this fast.” He smiled, and how he found the energy to do even that was beyond Alice. “I was thinking my body could handle it better than it has.
“Me too, but Dr. Parsons said it probably would. He really wanted to attack it, didn’t he?” She sat beside him and he rested his head on her shoulder. “Thank you for giving it a try, but I think you should stop.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to give up.”
“Yes, Jack. I can’t stand to see you like this. If it did this to you in four days, I don’t want to know what it’d do if you kept going on it. It’s not giving up. You tried. I love you so much for that.”
They sat in silence. She wasn’t sure if Jack had fallen asleep, but when she looked down at him, he looked the most relaxed she had seen in a long time. She didn’t want to disturb him, and though it was on the bathroom floor, she allowed him to sleep. Wherever he could get some form of peace was fine with her. She rested her head against his, taking it all in. Even if it wasn’t the best situation, it was a memory she was going to cherish years from now.
She felt his chest rise and fall. Who would have ever given breathing a second thought? It was a normal body function that she noticed all too often since his diagnosis. It was something people took for granted. Now she paid close attention, and at the moment he was relaxed, breathing steady, and sleeping. Even if the oxygen was helping, at least he wasn’t hurting.
***
Alice stood in her parent’s kitchen, watching the rain from the window. The rainy weather fit her somber mood, and though the day was supposed to be a fun outing with her mom, she couldn’t shake off the blues she was feeling. Resting her forehead against the glass, she eyed the condensation that formed.
“Who is at home with Jack?”
Her mother’s question pulled her from her thoughts. “His mom wanted to spend some time with him. She insisted I get out of the house for a bit.”
“I think that’s a good idea. How has everything been going?”
Alice sat at the table and didn’t answer right away. Sipping her iced tea, she shrugged. “He’s going to stop chemo.”
“And you agree?”
“Yeah. It tore him up. I’d rather him not go through that, you know?”
“That’s a brave choice, but I think you’re both right. Stage four is…” she trailed off.
“You don’t have to say it, Mom. We know.”
She still didn’t want to let go of the idea of trying to have a baby. If Jack had stayed on chemo, there was no way he would have had the energy to even think about it, but now that he was recovering, the thought was heavy on her mind. She was still ashamed at it, but her mom had always been great at giving advice.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“I still think Jack and I should try to have a baby. Do you think that’s completely insane?”
Her mom smiled. It wasn’t the reaction Alice had expected, but in a good way. “I don’t think that’s insane at all. Would he be able to, you know, have sex?”
“We haven’t tried so I don’t know. I’ve sort of put the idea in his head, but it was before chemo and we haven’t talked about it since. He was hesitant, but I didn’t press the matter. Now I really want to.”
Her mom patted her hand. “Ask him again. He might have changed his mind.”
“It’s just that he’s always wanted to have a kid. He grew up an only child so he always talked about having a big family. He’s all about carrying on family traditions. I’d hate to think that it would all stop with his death. I feel selfish that I’d want to also do it to keep a part of him with me. Have a little Jack running around.”
“It’s not selfish. Not at all. If he’s capable, I say go for it.”
Annie stood up again, going back to the same window. The rain hadn’t let up. Sadness hit her again, and she hated how it came in waves, some stronger than others. Hugging herself, she dipped her head as sobs escaped from deep in her throat. Tears fell uncontrollably, and her mom’s hug made them pour harder, soaking her mother’s shirt.
She trembled under her grasp. “I just don’t know why this is happening, Mom.” She whimpered, unsure if what she said even made sense.
“I wish I knew, Alice. This shouldn’t be happening to my baby girl. Not before it happens to me.”
She felt weak. Even in her thirties, her mother’s touch helped. “I must’ve said this a thousand times, but it’s just not fair, Mom. None of this is fair. Jack has never done anything wrong in his life. Why do bad things happen to good people?”
“I can’t answer that. But I’m here for you. Your father is here for you. Maybe Jack will surprise all of us and live to be an old man.”
Pulling away, Alice
wiped her face clean with her shirt, her Mom’s prediction making her smile through the sadness. “Can you imagine? Old man Jack, sitting out on the porch swing, bald and cranky, yelling at the neighbor kids to get off of his yard.” She laughed, but just as soon as the giggle came out, another pang of sorrow pushed through, and she cried again. The up and down emotions were horrible. She wasn’t sure how much more of it she could take.
“And none of us can say that won’t happen, not even the doctor. Stranger things have happened. Maybe it’ll happen for Jack as well.”
“God, I hope so, Mom. We need something good to happen. One thing needs to go our way.”
***
“How was the time spent with your mom?” Alice asked, lying next to him in bed. “You look tired. Did she wear you out?”
He tossed a magazine on the nightstand. “Lecture after lecture about treatment. About life. About arrangements. I started to tune her out after a while.”
Alice ran her hand down his thigh. “I’m sorry. After all this time, I’m still not sure how to take your mother.”
“Me either.” He smirked. “How’s your mom?”
“We didn’t end up going shopping or anything. Neither of us wanted to get out in the rain, so we just spent some time talking about things.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Things that you and I need to talk about again.”
He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. Alice noticed that his color was back, and though he wasn’t one hundred percent healthy, he looked twenty times better than when he was going in for chemo.
“What do we need to talk about?”
Alice had to choose her words carefully. It was like she was walking on eggshells. One wrong word could cause him to stress and backtrack him.
“Remember last week when we were talking about having a baby?” He nodded but didn’t say anything, so she continued. “I still can’t get the idea out of my head. I think we should try. I think you need to keep your legacy alive. I know it seems crazy, but just think about it.”
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