by T. Smollett
The Italian and the abbe were the first who began to grow whimsical underthe influence of the burgundy; and, in the heat of their elevation,proposed that the company should amuse themselves during the remainingpart of the night, at the house of an obliging dame, who maintained atroop of fair nymphs for the accommodation of the other sex. Theproposal was approved by all, except the Hollander, whose economy thewine had not as yet invaded; and, while he retreated soberly to his ownlodgings, the rest of the society adjourned in two coaches to the templeof love, where they were received by the venerable priestess, a personageturned of seventy, who seemed to exercise the functions of her calling,in despite of the most cruel ravages of time; for age had bent her intothe form of a Turkish bow. Her head was agitated by the palsy, like theleaf of the poplar tree; her hair fell down in scanty parcels, as whiteas the driven snow; her face was not simply wrinkled, but ploughed intoinnumerable furrows; her jaws could not boast of one remaining tooth; oneeye distilled a large quantity of rheum, by virtue of the fiery edge thatsurrounded it; the other was altogether extinguished, and she had losther nose in the course of her ministration. The Delphic sibyl was but atype of this hoary matron, who, by her figure, might have been mistakenfor the consort of Chaos, or mother of Time. Yet there was somethingmeritorious in her appearance, as it denoted her an indefatigableminister to the pleasure of mankind, and as it formed an agreeablecontrast with the beauty and youth of the fair damsels that wantoned inher train. It resembled those discords in music, which, properlydisposed, contribute to the harmony of the whole piece; or those horriblegiants, who, in the world of romance, used to guard the gates of thecastle in which the enchanted damsel was confined.
This Urganda seemed to be aware of her own importance, and perfectly wellacquainted with the human appetite; for she compelled the whole companyto undergo her embrace. Then a lacquey, in magnificent livery, usheredthem into a superb apartment, where they waited some minutes, withoutbeing favoured with the appearance of the ladies, to the manifestdissatisfaction of the abbe, who, sending for the gouvernante,reprimanded her severely for her want of politesse. The old lady, whowas by no means a pattern of patience and submission, retorted hisreproaches with great emphasis and vivacity. Her eloquence flowedaltogether in the Covent Garden strain; and I question whether thecelebrated Mother Douglas herself could have made such a figure in anextemporaneous altercation.
After having bestowed upon the abbe the epithets of saucy insignificantpimp, she put him in mind of the good offices which he had received ather hands; how she had supplied him with bed, board, and bedfellow, inhis greatest necessity; sent him abroad with money in his pockets--and,in a word, cherished him in her bosom, when his own mother had abandonedhim to distress. She then reviled him for presuming to affront herbefore strangers, and gave the company to understand, that the youngladies would wait upon them as soon as they could be confessed andreceive absolution from a worthy cordelier, who was now employed inperforming that charitable office. The gentlemen were satisfied withthis remonstrance, which argued the old lady's pious concern for thesouls that were under her care, and our adventurer proposed anaccommodation betwixt her and the abbe, who was prevailed upon to ask herpardon, and received her blessing upon his knees.
This affair had not been long adjusted, when five damsels were introducedin a very gay dishabille, and our hero was complimented with theprivilege of choosing his Amanda from the whole bevy. When he wasprovided, the others began to pair themselves, and, unhappily, the Germancount chanced to pitch upon the same nymph who had captivated the desiresof the British knight. A dispute immediately ensued; for the Englishmanmade his addresses to the lady, without paying the least regard to thepriority of the other's claim; and she, being pleased with hisattachment, did not scruple to renounce his rival, who swore by thethunder, lightning, and sacrament, that he would not quit his pretensionsfor any prince in Christendom, much less for a little English cavalier,whom he had already honoured too much in condescending to be hiscompanion.
The knight, provoked at this stately declaration, which was the immediateeffect of anger and ebriety, eyed his antagonist with a most contemptuousaspect, and advised him to avoid such comparisons for the future. "Weall know," said he, "the importance of a German count; I suppose yourrevenue amounts to three hundred rix-dollars; and you have a chateau thatlooks like the ruins of an English gaol. I will bind myself to lend youa thousand pounds upon a mortgage of your estate, (and a bad bargain I amsure I shall have,) if I do not, in less than two months, find a yeomanof Kent, who spends more in strong ale than the sum-total of your yearlyincome; and, were the truth known, I believe that lace upon your coat isno better than tinsel, and those fringed ruffles, with fine Hollandsleeves, tacked to a shirt of brown canvas, so that, were you to undressyourself before the lady, you would only expose your own poverty andpride."
The count was so much enraged at these sarcastic observations, that hisfaculty of speech was overwhelmed by his resentment; though, in order toacquit himself of the Englishman's imputation, he forthwith pulled offhis clothes with such fury, that his brocade waistcoat was tore from topto bottom. The knight, mistaking his meaning, considered this demeanouras a fair challenge, to try which was the better man in the exercise ofboxing; and, on that supposition, began to strip in his turn, when he wasundeceived by Fathom, who put the right interpretation upon the count'sbehaviour, and begged that the affair might be compromised. By this timethe Westphalian recovered the use of his tongue, and with many threatsand imprecations, desired they would take notice how falsely he had beenaspersed, and do him justice in espousing his claim to the damsel inquestion.
Before the company had time or inclination to interest themselves in thequarrel, his opponent observed that no person who was not a mere German,would ever dream of forcing the inclinations of a pretty girl, whom theaccidents of fortune had subjected to his power; that such compulsion wasequivalent to the most cruel rape that could be committed; and that thelady's aversion was not at all surprising; for, to speak his ownsentiments, were he a woman of pleasure, he would as soon grant favoursto a Westphalian hog, as to the person of his antagonist. The German,enraged at this comparison, was quite abandoned by his patience anddiscretion. He called the knight an English clown, and, swearing hewas the most untoward beast of a whole nation of mules, snatched up oneof the candlesticks, which he launched at him with such force andviolence, that it sung through the air, and, winging its flight into theante-chamber, encountered the skull of his own valet, who with immediateprostration received the message of his master.
The knight, that he might not be behindhand with the Westphalian in pointof courtesy, returned the compliment with the remaining chandelier, whichalso missed its mark, and, smiting a large mirror that was fixed behindthem, emitted such a crash as one might expect to hear if a mine weresprung beneath a manufacture of glass. Both lights being thusextinguished, a furious combat ensued in the dark; the Italian scamperedoff with infinite agility, and, as he went downstairs, desired thatnobody would interpose, because it was an affair of honour, which couldnot be made up. The ladies consulted their safety in flight; CountFathom slyly retired to one corner of the room; while the abbe, havingupon him the terrors of the commissaire, endeavoured to appease and partthe combatants, and, in the attempt, sustained a random blow upon hisnose, which sent him howling into the other chamber, where, finding hisband besmeared with his own blood, he began to caper about the apartment,in a transport of rage and vexation.
Meanwhile, the old gentlewoman being alarmed with the noise of thebattle, and apprehensive that it would end in murder, to the danger anddiscredit of herself and family, immediately mustered up her myrmidons,of whom she always retained a formidable band, and, putting herself attheir head, lighted them to the scene of uproar. Ferdinand, who hadhitherto observed a strict neutrality, no sooner perceived them approach,than he leaped in between the disputants, that he might be found actingin the character of a peacemaker; and, indeed, by this time, vict
oryhad declared for the baronet, who had treated his antagonist with across-buttock, which laid him almost breathless on the floor. The victorwas prevailed upon, by the entreaties of Fathom, to quit the field ofbattle, and adjourn into another room, where, in less than half an hour,he received a billet from the count, defying him to single combat on thefrontiers of Flanders, at an appointed time and place. The challenge wasimmediately accepted by the knight, who, being flushed with conquest,treated his adversary with great contempt.
But, next day, when the fumes of the burgundy were quite exhaled, and theadventure recurred to his remembrance and sober reflection, he waitedupon our adventurer at his lodgings, and solicited his advice in such amanner, as gave him to understand that he looked upon what had happenedas a drunken brawl, which ought to have no serious consequences. Fathomforeseeing that the affair might be managed for his own interest,professed himself of the baronet's opinion; and, without hesitation,undertook the office of a mediator, assuring his principal, that hishonour should suffer no stain in the course of his negotiation.
Having received the Englishman's acknowledgments for this instance offriendship, he forthwith set out for the place of the German'shabitation, and understanding he was still asleep, insisted upon hisbeing immediately waked, and told, that a gentleman from the chevalierdesired to see him, upon business of importance which could not bedelayed. Accordingly, his valet-de-chambre, pressed by Fathom'simportunities and remonstrances, ventured to go in and shake the count bythe shoulder; when this furious Teutonian, still agitated by the fever ofthe preceding night, leaped out of bed in a frenzy, and seizing his swordthat lay upon a table, would have severely punished the presumption ofhis servant, had not he been restrained by the entrance of Ferdinand,who, with a peremptory countenance, gave him to understand that the valethad acted at his immediate instigation; and that he was come, as theEnglishman's friend, to concert with him proper measures for keeping theappointment they had made at their last meeting.
This message effectually calmed the German, who was not a littlemortified to find himself so disagreeably disturbed. He could not helpcursing the impatience of his antagonist, and even hinting that he wouldhave acted more like a gentleman and good Christian, in expressing adesire of seeing the affair accommodated, as he knew himself to be theaggressor, consequently the first offender against the laws of politenessand good-fellowship. Fathom, finding him in a fit temper of mind, tookthe opportunity of assenting to the reasonableness of his observation.He ventured to condemn the impetuosity of the baronet, who, he perceived,was extremely nice and scrupulous in the punctilios of honour; and saidit was a pity that two gentlemen should forfeit each other's friendship,much less expose their lives, for such a frivolous cause. "My dearcount," cried the Westphalian, "I am charmed to find your sentiments soconformable to my own. In an honourable cause, I despise all danger; mycourage, thank Heaven! has been manifested in many public engagements aswell as in private rencounters; but, to break with my friend, whoseeminent virtues I admire, and even to seek his life, on such a scandalousoccasion, for a little insignificant w---e, who, I suppose, took theadvantage of our intoxication, to foment the quarrel: by Heaven! myconscience cannot digest it."
Having expressed himself to this purpose, he waited impatiently for thereply of Ferdinand, who, after a pause of deliberation, offered hisservices in the way of mediation; though, he observed, it was a matter ofgreat delicacy, and the event altogether uncertain. "Nevertheless,"added our adventurer, "I will strive to appease the knight, who, I hope,will be induced by my remonstrances to forget the unlucky accident, whichhath so disagreeably interrupted your mutual friendship." The Germanthanked him for this proof of his regard, which yielded him moresatisfaction on account of the chevalier than of himself. "For, by thetombs of my fathers," cried he, "I have so little concern for my personalsafety, that, if my honour were interested, I durst oppose myself singlyto the whole ban of the empire; and I am now ready, if the chevalierrequires it, to give him the rendezvous in the forest of Senlis, eitheron horseback or on foot, where this contest may be terminated with thelife of one or both of us."
Count Fathom, with a view to chastise the Westphalian for thisrhodomontade, told him, with a mortifying air of indifference, that ifthey were both bent upon taking the field, he would save himself thetrouble of interposing farther in the affair; and desired to know thehour at which it would suit him to take the air with the baronet. Theother, not a little embarrassed by this question, said, with a falteringtongue, he should be proud to obey the chevalier's orders; but, at thesame time, owned he should be much better pleased if our hero wouldexecute the pacific proposal he had made. Fathom accordingly promised toexert himself for that purpose, and returned to the knight, with whom heassumed the merit of having tranquillised the rage of an incensedbarbarian, who was now disposed to a reconciliation upon equal terms.The baronet overwhelmed him with caresses and compliments upon hisfriendship and address; the parties met that same forenoon, as if byaccident, in Fathom's apartment, where they embraced each othercordially, exchanged apologies, and renewed their former correspondence.
Our adventurer thought he had good reason to congratulate himself uponthe part he had acted in this pacification. He was treated by both withsignal marks of particular affection and esteem. The count pressed himto accept, as a token of his attachment, a sword of very curiousworkmanship, which he had received in a present from a certain prince ofthe empire. The knight forced upon his finger a very splendid diamondring, as a testimony of his gratitude and esteem. But there was stillanother person to be appeased, before the peace of the whole companycould be established. This was no other than the abbe, from whom each ofthe reconciled friends received at dinner a billet couched in thesewords:--
"I have the honour to lament the infinite chagrin and mortification thatcompels me to address myself in this manner to a person of your rank andeminence, whom I should do myself the pleasure of waiting upon in person,were I not prevented by the misfortune of my nose, which was last nightmost cruelly disarranged, by a violent contusion I had the honour toreceive, in attempting to compose that unhappy fracas, at the house ofMadame la Maquerelle; and what puts the finishing stroke to my mishap, ismy being rendered incapable of keeping three or four assignations withladies of fashion, by whom I have the honour to be particularly esteemed.The disfiguration of my nose, the pain I have undergone, with thediscomposure of brain which it produced, I could bear as a philosopher;but the disappointment of the ladies, my glory will not permit me tooverlook. And as you know the injury was sustained in your service, Ihave the pleasure to hope you will not refuse to grant such reparation aswill be acceptable to a gentleman, who has the honour to be withinviolable attachment,-- Sir, your most devoted slave, PEPIN CLOTHAIRE CHARLE HENRI LOOUIS BARNABE DE FUMIER."
This epistle was so equivocal, that the persons to whom it was addresseddid not know whether or not they ought to interpret the contents into achallenge; when our hero observed, that the ambiguity of his expressionsplainly proved there was a door left open for accommodation; and proposedthat they should forthwith visit the writer at his own apartment. Theyaccordingly followed his advice, and found the abbe in his morning gownand slippers, with three huge nightcaps on his head, and a crape hat-bandtied over the middle of his face, by way of bandage to his nose. Hereceived his visitors with the most ridiculous solemnity, being still astranger to the purport of their errand; but soon as the Westphaliandeclared they were come in consequence of his billet, in order to askpardon for the undesigned offence they had given, his features retrievedtheir natural vivacity, and he professed himself perfectly satisfied withtheir polite acknowledgment. Then they condoled him upon the evil plightof his nose, and seeing some marks upon his shirt, asked with seemingconcern, if he had lost any blood in the fray? To this interrogation hereplied, that he had still a sufficient quantity left for the occasionsof his friends; and that he should deem it his greatest glory to expendthe last drop of it in their servic
e.
Matters being thus amicably adjusted, they prevailed upon him to uneasehis nose, which retained no signs of the outrage he had suffered; and theamusements of the day were concerted. It was in consequence of thisplan, that, after the comedy, they were entertained at the count'slodgings, where quadrille was proposed by the abbe, as the most innocentpastime, and the proposal was immediately embraced by all present, and bynone with more alacrity than by our adventurer, who, without puttingforth a moiety of his skill, went home with twenty louis clear gain.Though, far from believing himself greatly superior to the rest of theparty, in the artifices of play, he justly suspected that they hadconcealed their skill, with a view of stripping him on some otheroccasion; for he could not suppose that persons of their figure andcharacter should be, in reality, such novices as they affected to appear.