by T. Smollett
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
SOME ACCOUNT OF HIS FELLOW-TRAVELLERS.
Those who had taken places for the coach, understanding the sixth seatwas engaged by a foreigner, determined to profit by his ignorance; and,with that politeness which is peculiar to this happy island, fixedthemselves in the vehicle, in such a manner, before he had the leastintimation of their design, that he found it barely practicable toinsinuate himself sidelong between a corpulent quaker and a fat Wappinglandlady, in which attitude he stuck fast, like a thin quarto between twovoluminous dictionaries on a bookseller's shelf. And, as if the pain andinconvenience of such compression was not sufficient matter of chagrin,the greatest part of the company entertained themselves with laughing athis ludicrous station.
The jolly dame at his left hand observed, with a loud exclamation ofmirth, that monsieur would be soon better acquainted with a buttock ofEnglish beef; and said, by that time they should arrive at theirdining-place, he might be spitted without larding. "Yes, verily,"replied Obadiah, who was a wag in his way, "but the swine's fat will beall on one side."--"So much the better for you," cried mine hostess, "forthat side is all your own." The quaker was not so much disconcerted bythe quickness of this repartee, but that he answered with greatdeliberation, "I thank thee for thy love, but will not profit by thyloss, especially as I like not the savour of these outlandish fowls; theyare profane birds of passage, relished only by the children of vanity,like thee."
The plump gentlewoman took umbrage at this last expression, which sheconsidered as a double reproach, and repeated the words, "Children ofvanity!" with an emphasis of resentment. "I believe, if the truth wereknown," said she, "there's more vanity than midriff in that great bellyof yours, for all your pretending to humility and religion. Sirrah! mycorporation is made up of good, wholesome, English fat; but you arepuffed up with the wind of vanity and delusion; and when it begins togripe your entrails, you pretend to have a motion, and then get up andpreach nonsense. Yet you'll take it upon you to call your betterschildren. Marry come up, Mr. Goosecap, I have got children that are asgood men as you, or any hypocritical trembler in England."
A person who sat opposite to the quaker, hearing this remonstrance, whichseemed pregnant with contention, interposed in the conversation with aconscious leer, and begged there might be no rupture between the spiritand the flesh. By this remonstrance he relieved Obadiah from the satireof this female orator, and brought the whole vengeance of her elocutionupon his own head. "Flesh!" cried she, with all the ferocity of anenraged Thalestris; "none of your names, Mr. Yellowchaps. What! Iwarrant you have an antipathy to flesh, because you yourself are nothingbut skin and bone. I suppose you are some poor starved journeyman tailorcome from France, where you have been learning to cabbage, and have notseen a good meal of victuals these seven years. You have been livingupon rye-bread and soup-maigre, and now you come over like a walkingatomy with a rat's tail at your wig, and a tinsey jacket. And so,forsooth, you set up for a gentleman, and pretend to find fault with asirloin of roast beef."
The gentleman heard this address with admirable patience, and when shehad rung out her alarm, very coolly replied, "Anything but your stinkingfish madam. Since when, I pray, have you travelled in stage-coaches, andleft off your old profession of crying oysters in winter, and rottenmackerel in June? You was then known by the name of Kate Brawn, and ingood repute among the ale-houses in Thames Street, till that unluckyamour with the master of a corn-vessel, in which he was unfortunatelydetected by his own spouse; but you seem to have risen by that fall; andI wish you joy of your present plight. Though, considering youreducation on Bear Quay, you can give but a sorry account of yourself."
The Amazon, though neither exhausted nor dismayed, was really confoundedat the temper and assurance of this antagonist, who had gathered allthese anecdotes from the fertility of his own invention; after a shortpause, however, she poured forth a torrent of obloquy sufficient tooverwhelm any person who had not been used to take up arms against suchseas of trouble; and a dispute ensued, which would have not onlydisgraced the best orators on the Thames, but even have made a figure inthe celebration of the Eleusinian mysteries, during which the Athenianmatrons rallied one another from different waggons, with that freedom ofaltercation so happily preserved in this our age and country.
Such a redundancy of epithets, and variety of metaphors, tropes, andfigures were uttered between these well-matched opponents, that an epicbard would have found his account in listening to the contest; which, inall probability, would not have been confined to words, had it not beeninterrupted for the sake of a young woman of an agreeable countenance andmodest carriage; who, being shocked at some of their flowers of speech,and terrified by the menacing looks and gestures of the fiery-featureddame, began to scream aloud, and beg leave to quit the coach. Herperturbation put an end to the high debate. The sixth passenger, who hadnot opened his mouth, endeavoured to comfort her with assurances ofprotection; the quaker proposed a cessation of arms; the male disputantacquiesced in the proposal, assuring the company he had entered the listsfor their entertainment only, without acquiring the least grudge orill-will to the fat gentlewoman, whom he protested he had never seenbefore that day, and who, for aught he knew, was a person of credit andreputation. He then held forth his hand in token of amity, and askedpardon of the offended party, who was appeased by his submission; and, intestimony of her benevolence, presented to the other female, whom she haddiscomposed, an Hungary-water bottle filled with cherry-brandy,recommending it as a much more powerful remedy than the sal-volatilewhich the other held to her nose.
Peace being thus re-established, in a treaty comprehending Obadiah andall present, it will not be improper to give the reader some furtherinformation, touching the several characters assembled in this vehicle.The quaker was a London merchant, who had been at Deal superintending therepairs of a ship which had suffered by a storm in the Downs. TheWapping landlady was on her return from the same place, where she hadattended the payment of a man-of-war, with sundry powers of attorney,granted by the sailors, who had lived upon credit at her house. Hercompetitor in fame was a dealer in wine, a smuggler of French lace, and apetty gamester just arrived from Paris, in the company of an Englishbarber, who sat on his right hand, and the young woman was daughter of acountry curate, in her way to London, where she was bound apprentice to amilliner.
Hitherto Fathom had sat in silent astonishment at the manners of hisfellow-travellers, which far exceeded the notions he had preconceived ofEnglish plainness and rusticity. He found himself a monument of thatdisregard and contempt which a stranger never fails to meet with from theinhabitants of this island; and saw, with surprise, an agreeable youngcreature sit as solitary and unheeded as himself.
He was, indeed, allured by the roses of her complexion, and the innocenceof her aspect, and began to repent of having pretended ignorance of thelanguage, by which he was restrained from exercising his eloquence uponher heart; he resolved, however, to ingratiate himself, if possible, bythe courtesy and politeness of dumb show, and for that purpose put hiseyes in motion without farther delay.