by Melody Anne
Would he hate her forever? She was about to find out.
“Jackson . . .” She paused as he rested his hand on her shoulder and smiled down at her.
“I know. It’s overwhelming, Alyssa.” He leaned down and brushed his lips across her cheek.
“No, it’s not that. I mean, yes, it is overwhelming. But that’s not what I’m having a difficult time telling you.” Again she paused.
Jackson kneeled down and took her hands. “You can tell me anything,” he said.
She believed him. Yes, she could tell him anything. Of course, he had no clue what he was about to be hit with.
“Jackson. She’s your daughter.”
The expression on his face lasted several heartbeats before it fell away and a stone mask appeared in its place.
“Excuse me?”
She couldn’t tell from his tone what he was feeling.
“I know I should have told you before now. I know it was wrong of me, but I was scared. I didn’t want you to take her from me. I didn’t want to lose her. I didn’t know . . .” What else could she really say?
She’d been living in his home, making love to him, lying in his arms night after night. And then he’d stayed by her side while she got better, taken care of their daughter as much as he was allowed, and barely left the hospital. And to repay him for all his kindness, she’d lied to him, kept him from knowing that the infant he was caring for was his child, and she’d betrayed him. How could he ever speak to her again?
“That’s impossible. We used protection,” he said, his face still a mask.
“It failed. I wasn’t with anyone else, Jackson. She is your daughter.” Saying it this time, her voice was stronger, but fear was eating her alive. What would he do now?
“She’s my daughter?” The words were spoken quietly, a question, but at the same time not. He knew; it was just taking time to process.
“Yes, she’s yours. I really didn’t think I would see you again, and then when I did, I was in shock. And then . . .” She trailed off as she watched his eyes narrow.
“What, Alyssa?” he asked coldly. “There wasn’t an opportunity?”
“I tried telling myself that. At first I was afraid. I was afraid you would try to take her from me, and then I was afraid because I’d waited so long. I didn’t know how to tell you.” No, her words weren’t good enough, but she didn’t know what else to say.
“You seem to be afraid quite often. Haven’t I shown you that I’m trying? Haven’t I given you all that I can of myself?”
“Yes, Jackson. This isn’t about you. I know you will make an excellent father. You are a good man, and have been more than fair to me. I just didn’t want to lose you,” she blurted out, the last words coming out on a sob.
“You may have just done exactly that.”
He walked from the room without another word.
Alyssa shook uncontrollably. She would have much preferred it if he’d yelled at her, or cried, or done anything other than skewer her with such a cold expression before he walked away. Had she just destroyed any chance whatsoever that they’d be friends? She was almost certain she’d killed their relationship. Lies never ended well.
What if he hated her with a burning passion, and the next eighteen years were filled with painfully uncomfortable meetings when they passed their daughter back and forth between them? She’d been a fool. Everything would have been so much easier if she’d simply told him the truth sooner. Now she would have to wait and wait . . . Hanging her head, Alyssa put her hand back inside the incubator and touched her daughter’s delicate fingers again.
“It will be okay, Angel. It will all be okay.”
Was she telling this to herself or her daughter? Alyssa really didn’t know.
Before he was smart enough to stop himself, Jackson slammed his fist into the tailgate of his truck. Sharp pain exploded through his knuckles and up his arm. He couldn’t regret it, though. The pain helped divert him from the ache that was consuming his chest.
How could she have lied to him for so long? Was he completely and utterly wrong about her? He’d thought he was getting to know the woman so well. Apparently not.
He grabbed a bottle of smoked-salmon vodka that he’d bought in Alaska as a gag gift for Camden. Since it was the only liquor available to him, he’d choke the awful stuff down. Opening his tailgate, he jumped up and made himself comfortable. He didn’t know how long he’d sit there and think. Let them try to tell him he couldn’t sit in the parking lot and take a medicinal shot of booze in the back of his own freaking truck. It was a hell of a day already, and it wasn’t yet noon.
Then a wider reality started to sink in. He was a father.
That thought went around and around in his mind. He’d vowed that he would never have another child again, not after losing his daughter, Olivia. It had been too painful for him. But that was before Alyssa appeared in his life.
He’d felt safer taking care of her and her child. It wasn’t his baby. He wasn’t responsible for her. How stupid. Although he had thought she wasn’t his, he had accepted that responsibility. He never had used a get-out-of-jail-free card and walked away from Alyssa and her baby—no, their baby.
Why hadn’t he run like hell? Why had he set himself up for failure again? He could easily lose this daughter as well. She was strong, fighting and growing every day, but Spence had told him she wasn’t out of the woods yet. There was just so much that could go wrong with a preemie, especially one with heart trouble. What if he allowed himself to love her and then he lost her? He wouldn’t be able to survive the loss of a second baby.
Jackson hung his head as he threw back some of the disgusting vodka—gag gift indeed—then dropped the bottle in the bed of his truck. He didn’t think he could keep on drinking the stuff. Besides, he didn’t want to get drunk. He just wanted some of the pain to vanish.
Who was he fooling, wondering what would happen if he allowed himself to love the child? Whether that little girl was his or not, her loss would devastate him. He’d been with her every day since she’d been born, held her in his arms, sat by her side as she struggled to survive.
He was already invested in her life, and whether she carried his blood or not, her loss wouldn’t be something he could get through easily. Yes, he loved his little Angel. So what did he do now?
Was he going to demand that Alyssa give him parental rights? Of course he was. The girl was his child, too. He deserved to be a part of her life. Was there any possibility that Alyssa was now lying to him? As Jackson thought about that, he knew with certainty that Angel was his daughter. Maybe he had known all along. Maybe he’d been just as afraid of voicing the question as she had been of telling him. Why hadn’t he asked? Why hadn’t he pushed her to tell him who Angel’s father was? The longer he sat there and thought about that, the more his heart thudded.
Angel was his daughter.
“What are you doing out here, Jackson?”
He looked up to find Spence walking toward him. His brother hadn’t yet changed into his scrubs, and he was wearing a pair of old jeans and a worn sweatshirt and carrying a can of soda in his hand. Looking at him as he jumped up onto the tailgate of the truck and sat next to Jackson, no one would ever realize he was a wealthy surgeon.
“I don’t know,” Jackson answered.
“You look upset. I know baby Gerard is fine.”
“I really appreciate your sticking around and taking care of her,” Jackson said.
“She’s important to me. I want to ensure she makes it.”
That’s the kind of man Spence was. He truly cared about his patients, big or small. Yes, Spence could be an ass at times, but he was one of the best men Jackson knew. Jackson felt blessed to have him for a brother.
“I’m a father again, Spence.” Just like that, he blurted out the words. Saying them aloud made it all so much more real. “I’m a dad.” His voice held awe as he spoke it again.
Spence was quiet as he swigged his soda, taking his time
before he spoke. He didn’t ask who the baby was. It was more than obvious Jackson was speaking of Alyssa’s baby.
“So, you asked Alyssa to marry you?” Spence asked.
“Not yet. I just found out I’m a dad,” Jackson said, as if the reality was still sinking in.
“Wait. I don’t think I quite understand. You feel like a father because you love this woman and baby and plan on being her father?”
Of course his brother was looking confused. Yes, Jackson had made it clear that he’d met Alyssa before, but he’d only told Spence a couple of months ago, on that night he’d met Alyssa again at the bar. He hadn’t said when; he hadn’t explained they’d slept together.
“No. I mean that Alyssa and I met on New Year’s, had spectacular sex, and then she walked away from me, and I found her again very much pregnant.”
Spence’s mouth dropped, but he recovered quickly. He couldn’t speak for a few moments. Jackson waited, wondering whether his brother would call him on being such an idiot. He should have known better.
“Congratulations. I will make sure your daughter has a long, healthy life.”
Yes, Jackson had told the right person first.
“What do I say to Dad?” Jackson asked.
He suddenly felt as if he were five years old and had done something wrong. He’d gotten a woman pregnant without being married to her. Hell, a woman he’d met in an airport. But his worries fled quickly. He knew that his father wouldn’t be upset over having a granddaughter. He’d be ecstatic. Martin had doted on Jackson’s first daughter during her brief life and had been just as devastated as Jackson when her life had been taken.
“You say congrats,” Spence replied as he finished his can of soda and crushed it, then tossed it into the bed of the truck.
“Yeah, I guess that’s a start,” Jackson said, and he flashed his first smile since finding out about his daughter.
“What are you going to do?”
Jackson wasn’t a fool. He knew his brother was asking whether he was going to marry Alyssa. They had a child together. Jackson knew there was no other option other than to marry her. What surprised him was that he felt no panic. Yes, there was anger, and he knew there would be anger for a while longer, but there was no fear, no panic, and no feeling that he needed to run as far away as he could get.
“I will marry her.”
“Hey. Why so blue? You and Alyssa were made for each other. She’s a good woman.”
“She lied to me, Spence.” That was the short of it.
“Did she actually lie to you? Did she ever say to you, This isn’t your child?”
Jackson thought about it, thought about their conversations. No. No, she hadn’t lied outright, but she also hadn’t volunteered the information when he’d asked her.
“I made an assumption that it was someone else’s. She could have set me straight.”
“Maybe she should have told you the truth,” Spence began saying when Jackson gave him a solid glare. “Okay, okay, I’d be ticked about that, too. But you have a couple choices here, brother. You can hold a grudge against her, hold this over her head forever, and make both of your lives hell, or you can accept that she had her reasons. If your little girl was walking around and you’d missed out on years of her life, I’d be furious, but Alyssa did tell you now, when the child is only two weeks old. It’s not as if you’ve missed out on anything but four months of morning sickness, if you think about it—you were around for the rest. So talk to her. Find out exactly why she didn’t tell you.”
“She told me she was afraid I would take the child away, and then when she knew I wouldn’t do that, she told me she was afraid I’d be mad because she hadn’t told me,” Jackson said.
“Well, how did you act the day you created the baby?”
Jackson knew that Spence could probably take a pretty accurate guess as to how Jackson had acted that night. He’d only had one use for women during that time, had no desire for a commitment. He couldn’t remember all he’d said to Alyssa back then, but he knew he would have told her their night together had no chance of turning permanent. Maybe she did have a valid reason in the beginning to keep her secret. But after two months of being together, her reasoning was no longer valid. Jackson had changed.
“This one isn’t on me, Spence. She’s known since we met up again that she was carrying my child. She knew when the baby was born, and she knew when I was by our daughter’s side day and night. She’d been living with me for weeks before the wreck. She could have told me at any time.”
“But she did tell you today.”
“I know, Spence. But it should have been sooner.” It didn’t matter how many times he said it, he couldn’t change that she hadn’t told him before today. What he had to figure out was if he’d be able to forgive her.
“I know. I don’t mean to give you a hard time, Jackson. I just don’t want you to dwell on what could have been said, or what could have happened. I want you to focus on your daughter, on her getting well. Alyssa has been released from the hospital today. She needs someone to watch over her. Not only does she have a while before she is fully recovered from her injuries, but she has the added stress of having a premature infant who will require a lot of care. Don’t be too hard on her.”
Spence didn’t give Jackson time to respond. He just hopped down from the truck and walked toward the hospital doors. Jackson still had a lot to think about. As he lay back in his truck and closed his eyes, he tried to decide what he would do next. He was so angry with Alyssa right now that he knew it would be best not to speak to her. What would yelling accomplish? What would accusations help?
They would marry. There was no doubt in his mind. His child would be raised by him, not by some man she might meet in the future. That meant that he needed either to yell a lot and get over his anger, or to decide to accept some of the responsibility.
Yes, she should have told him. Especially once they were staying in the same house. She’d had plenty of opportunities to give him the truth and she’d chosen not to. Again, though, wasn’t she going through enough pain right now?
He still had no answers when he felt his muscles relax from the warm liquor he’d drunk, and he lay there lazily as his mind continued to spin. Life hadn’t ever been easy for him, to be damn sure. Why should it change now?
Displaying a calm that he didn’t feel, Jackson finally made his way back into the hospital. Anger still ate at his insides, but he and Alyssa were adults, and the two of them needed to speak as grown-ups, not as hurt children. Easier said than done.
Jackson found Alyssa right where he’d left her, sitting in her wheelchair with her hand inside the incubator, caressing their tiny daughter. She was exhausted, and he had no trouble seeing that she needed to get some rest. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them if he barreled ahead and forced her into an immediate discussion about what came next.
“Alyssa, let’s get you home.”
When she turned her head, he saw the raw pain in her eyes and the dark circles beneath them. He felt like a monster.
“I’m confused right now, Alyssa, okay? Just give me some time. I’m not going to lay into you, make accusations, or make you feel any worse than you do right now. We both need time to think. But you aren’t going to be any good to our daughter when she’s finally released if you don’t get some rest.”
His tone was gentle, and he saw her shocked expression. Was he so frightening that she expected him to kick her while she was down? If so, he really needed to change her opinion of him.
“I don’t want to leave her all alone. What if something happens and we’re not here?” Such sadness haunted her voice.
“My brother is on shift. He will call us immediately if anything goes wrong.”
“I will.”
They both turned to find Spence standing there behind them in his scrubs. “I’ll take good care of Angel,” he told them.
Alyssa’s shoulders slumped and Jackson knew she’d now allow him to take her away
from the hospital.
“Thanks, Spence.” With that, he helped her place her feet on the footrests, then wheeled her to the front of the hospital and out to his truck. She didn’t fight him as he helped her climb inside.
Neither of them said a word as he drove the miles to his house. She moved lethargically, almost like a sleepwalker, when he arrived and helped her inside.
TREMBLING WITH ANXIETY,
Alyssa waited, wondering if and when he would unload on her. But as she tried to prepare herself for the attack, a bit of anger built up within her. This wasn’t all her fault. He had made love to her; in fact, he had come after her the way a tornado chases an old barn.
He hadn’t taken no for an answer back on New Year’s and she’d carried their child. Yes, it was wrong that she hadn’t said anything to him, but was he really so dense that he couldn’t do basic math? Any normal man would have had some suspicions. She waited, not willing to be the first person to speak.
When he approached, his dark eyes still kind, but with something else in his expression that made her shiver, she strengthened her resolve. She had to stay strong, for her own health and for her sick baby.
“I need to really understand why you didn’t tell me sooner. You have grown to know me. The fear you spoke of earlier just doesn’t make sense.”
“I thought you weren’t going to pressure me, Jackson.”
“I just want some answers. I’m not yelling, and I’m not angry. But I think I deserve something from you, Alyssa.”
He waited, his eyes boring dangerously into hers. From the first moment she’d encountered those eyes, she’d known she was in trouble. What this man could get her to confess with simply a look was terrifying to her.
“I was . . . scared. I’m still scared. That day on the plane you told me you would never love anyone again after your failed relationship. Then I thought I wouldn’t see you again. And when I did see you, I was frightened all over again because I was told that you were ruthless, would do whatever it took to keep a child to yourself that was yours.” She paused to take a breath. “Once I got to know you, the lie hung over us and I knew you wouldn’t take her, but I didn’t want you to hate me for keeping the truth from you. I can’t give you anything more than that. It was foolish of me, but I can’t change it.”