By the time I’m done, I can barely drag myself off the ice. As I start taking off my skates, O’Brian comes in with Vassar and Popov from weights.
Just the man I’m waiting for. “O’Brian, what have you got going on this afternoon?”
“Inner city arts program. You?”
“Nada. My day got canceled. Flooding at the convention center or something.” I hate myself for what I’m about to do, but I do it anyway. “Want me to take yours? Give you a night off?”
O’Brian’s brows shoot up, a smile spreading across his face. We all feel good about the charity work we do with the team, but nobody turns down the chance for a night off. Hell, except me, apparently.
But if I’m booked, then I won’t be showing up at Cammy’s place, building Legos with Matty and stealing kisses from his mom when he goes to bed. I won’t be holding her in my arms while we watch Oak Island, when I need to be letting her go so she has a chance to find the kind of forever she deserves.
Cammy
“I’m telling you, these guys are at the mercy of the team,” Julia assures me through the line. She’s in LA tonight but had a few free minutes before whatever dinner or event she’s got lined up. “PR asks them to do something, they need to do it.”
“Okay, I get that, but Julia, this is the third time in a week and a half. And maybe that doesn’t seem like a lot when these guys are traveling and as busy as they are, but this is Rux. I’m telling you, something’s off.”
There’s some shuffling from the other end of the line, and I’m pretty sure it’s Greg in the background, but I can’t make out what he’s saying. Julia tells him to give her another minute, and then she’s back, a new concern behind her words. “You haven’t seen Rux in a week and a half?”
I blow a curl from my eyes and throw up my hand in frustration even though she’s not here to see it. “No. I mean, yes, I’ve seen him. But it’s only been a couple times, and just when Matty is around. Like maybe, he’s not dodging us. He’s just dodging me.”
“No. No way.”
I like that flat-out refusal in accepting something so obviously impossible. I want to wrap myself up in it, but… I know better. I know Rux. And something’s going on with him.
I want to blame it on whatever happened that night when Jeremy followed him out, but there was something before that. More than the fact that he wasn’t dirty-talking my ear off every night, were the moments when he was too quiet. When I’d see him watching Matty with a pained look in his eyes. I asked if he was okay, and he’d snap back to the same old Rux—throwing out some crazy suggestion that no one could say no to.
What’s going on with him?
“Do you think it’s possible this doesn’t have anything to do with you at all? I mean, with the way the season has been going, he’s dealing with some pressure, right?”
Walking back to the kitchen, I open cabinets, close them with a sigh. “He is. I know.”
And if that’s what it is, I completely understand. I just wish I could do something to make it better, the way he makes everything better for me.
“Hey, Cammy,” Julia says gently. “Do you want me to ask Greg?”
It’s tempting, but no way am I going to ask my sister to pump my sort-of-boyfriend’s best friend for information about my relationship. “Thanks, but I’ll talk to him myself.”
That’s what we do.
We talk to each other about everything. Almost everything.
“Rux!” Matty squeals, running across the living room as our favorite Slayer closes the door behind him.
Rux gives him a big bear hug before walking over to me and dropping a kiss at the top of my head. One arm pulls me in to his side and, God, he smells so good. And he looks even better, tall and broad in navy athletic pants and a gray hoodie, cheeks a little red from the wind blowing in off the lake today.
“How you doing, Sunshine?”
So much better now that he’s here. I don’t know why, but all day I’ve been worried that he wouldn’t come.
“I’m doing great. Finished work an hour early. Got the supplies for Matty’s project from the dollar store and managed to knock out some yoga.”
That warm smile I love so much spreads wider. “Badass.”
Matty skids up to him, shaking his head. “She only did the thirty-minute workout.”
Rux’s eyes crinkle at the corners, and then we’re all laughing together and it feels so normal. So right. It feels like the kind of moment you want again and again and again. Like the kind of moment you want to keep having forever.
Matty leads Rux to the fridge, proudly pointing out the fresh batch of carrot cake cupcakes we made. Rux makes all the appropriate noises, oohing and ahhing about them. But what I love best is that it’s not just for Matty’s benefit. This is a man who says what’s on his mind and wears his feelings on his sleeve. And he loves carrot cake.
After he carefully peels one and then basically inhales it, we all settle into the living room to catch up on the day.
Matty’s head pops up and he grabs my phone off the table to check the time. “Mom, Teddy’s parents are going to be here in ten minutes.”
I force myself to keep my eyes on my boy rather than dissect Rux’s every blink and swallow at the realization we’re going to be alone tonight after all.
I’m being silly. I know it.
The minute the door closes, this man is going to have me backed up against it, devouring my mouth in that ravenous way of his. His hands will be roaming my body with that wildfire touch. And then later when it’s just the two of us in bed, his big arms holding me against him, I’ll tell him about my unfounded fears.
He’ll kiss me again and tell me he’s not going anywhere.
“Why don’t you grab your bag from your room and put it by the door.” I smile as Matty darts off.
Still caught up in that fantasy, I turn to Rux… and my heart sinks. His strained expression is unmistakable.
I’m not imagining it.
“Where’s Matty heading?” he asks, all his usual easygoing replaced by the kind of uncomfortable that has dread spooling through my belly.
“Sleepover.”
It’s almost painful to see Rux sit back and force a smile to his lips. To pretend that this isn’t a turn of events he’d rather not have seen or faced. It feels like something inside me is breaking, and if I’m not careful, I’ll betray everything I’ve been trying to hide.
Before I do something stupid like start to cry in front of him, I make an excuse about double-checking that Matty packed his toothbrush and escape to the other room.
Once I’m out of sight, I close my eyes and press my hand to my aching heart. Swallow past the rise of emotion in my throat and fight to keep the tears at bay.
It takes a minute to get my head straight, but I’m strong.
When Matty steps out of his room, backpack slung over his shoulder and a bright smile on his face, I’m ready to return it with my own.
“You excited, buddy?”
He’s practically bouncing where he stands as he nods enthusiastically.
A few minutes later I’m blowing him a kiss and waving as he leaves with Teddy’s family.
Stepping back into the apartment, I find Rux waiting for me. He’s on his feet, leaning against the back of the couch.
This is it.
We’re alone. But instead of Rux stalking me across the room and using his body to pin me to the door, he’s staring at his shoes.
I move into the open spot beside him and let my hand rest on his.
His head drops low and he sighs.
“There are rumors of a trade.”
My chest goes tight as I grip his hand tighter. “What? When?”
Finally his eyes meet mine. “I have no idea. Management isn’t talking, but that doesn’t mean anything.”
I know from Julia and being around this team for so long, that sometimes a player is the last to know, and sometimes a player will have trade rumors floating around them f
or years without ever amounting to anything.
“Have there been rumors about you before?”
He shakes his head. “They’re from reliable sources. Julia was going to call you, but I told her I was on my way over.”
I try to pull a breath, but my lungs don’t want to work.
“It was just a couple of games,” I offer weakly, like somehow my words could impact actions potentially already in motion.
“Important games. The ones where they’ve been watching to see how I would perform.”
This can’t be happening. The Slayers would never let Rux go. They can’t. He loves Chicago. He loves this team.
No wonder he’s been acting strange lately.
“Do you think you’re going?” I ask quietly.
“Honest to God, I have no idea.” Then after a long breath, he shakes his head. “Look, Cammy. There’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now. Even if I don’t get traded, the adjustments with the team—”
“It’s a lot,” I whisper, seeing the truth of it in his apology-filled eyes. I hate what comes next, but I need to be the one to say it. “Even without adding a friends-with-benefits package into the mix and the feelings that may or may not go along with it.”
The breath that leaves his chest is relieved, if a little uneven. When our eyes meet, I try to smile and even if it doesn’t work very well, for once, Rux doesn’t point it out.
Taking my hand in his, he pulls it into his lap. “I don’t want to lose you, Cammy. I don’t want to lose Matty.”
“You won’t,” I promise, blinking at the tears threatening to fall.
“So, friends?” he asks, pulling me in front of him and looping his arms around my waist.
It’s not the kind of stance we would have found ourselves in before all of this started, and I’m guessing it’s one we won’t revisit going forward. But in this minute, I can still rest my hand against the solid planes of his chest, I can still brush the stubble of his cheek with my thumb.
“Of course. Friends,” I say, quietly enough I’m hoping he can’t hear the way I struggle to say it. “Always.”
His eyes close in what must be relief. He turns into my palm and kisses the sensitive skin, making my heart ache all the more.
A minute passes, but neither of us move. Neither pulls away.
I don’t know what his reason is. Comfort probably. Reassurance.
Mine is more that I can’t seem to make myself let go, that a part of me wants to hold him forever. Sliding my hand up his chest, I step in closer between his legs and wrap my arms around his neck.
The arms at my waist tighten and then one slides up my back, holding me close and closer. It’s so good, so warm, so safe, I never want to leave. His hand smooths over my hair and cups the back of my neck.
He pulls back and lets his eyes run over my features, ending at my mouth.
I can practically feel the echoes of his kisses.
His eyes come back to mine, and as if by unspoken agreement we lean in for one last kiss.
I tremble against him, breathe him in as he breathes me.
One last time, my fingers thread through his hair.
I need to let him go. It’s time. Past.
The breath between us changes, the seconds stretch and pull, the awareness builds and then with one desperate look, snaps. Rux kisses me hard, crushing his mouth to mine and groaning my name.
Yes.
Our bodies can’t get close enough. I’ll never have enough.
We move through the apartment blind.
“One last time,” I whisper when he lays me back on the bed.
Reaching over his shoulder, he fists the back of his shirt and pulls it over his head in a move I will never get tired of. “One last time.”
We shuck our clothes, kicking and tossing them aside, and come back together in a desperate, hungry clash of lips and teeth and tongues.
“Sunshine,” he growls against my neck, my breasts. My fingers thread through his hair, holding him against me as he circles my nipple with his tongue, then draws it into the wet heat of his mouth.
“Need you, Rux,” I gasp, pulling at his shoulders and arms as his firm grip urges my hips into the press of his.
Dark eyes meet mine, burning and intense. “This isn’t goodbye. You know that, right?”
He’s wrong. This is goodbye to a dream that I’d only just started to believe in. To a hope that had quietly, stealthily wound its way into my heart. It’s goodbye to the idea that I might have finally found the one man I could trust with my whole heart again. That I could let myself love completely and know that, with him, I would be safe.
Stroking the side of his face, I shake my head. “It’s not goodbye to us, but… it’s goodbye to something that was pretty good, right?”
Our eyes hold, and for a moment he looks pained. But in a blink whatever I thought I was seeing is gone, replaced by my best friend’s smile. “So good.”
And when I feel like I might be about to cry, I force a smile instead and joke lightly, “So how about you give me something to remember you by.”
Rux drops his forehead against my chest with a gruff laugh and then peers up at me with an arched brow. The mischief I love shines in his eyes. “Just one thing to remember me by?”
This guy. My smile stretches wide. “One thing. Two. Whatever you can manage.”
And then my big strong hockey-playing stud is back, prowling up my body, using his to box me in. “Oh, I can manage more than two.”
Chapter 23
Rux
I shouldn’t have done it.
I should have told her what was happening with the trade rumors, waved my limp fucking excuse around, kissed the top of her head and walked out. But when she looked up at me, it was right there in her eyes.
One more time.
She joked about me giving her something to remember me by. Yeah, I wanted that too. I wanted to give her so much to remember me by that she won’t be able to think about sex without practically moaning my name.
I want the next sorry fuck who tries to put a hand on her—
“Rux, you’re growling,” Cammy pants, her hand on my bare chest as I sink into her full length, shift my hips in that way that makes her lips part and her breath catch.
—to be so inferior to me that a hand is all he ever gets to put on her.
“Oh God… I can’t…”
She can. I’d get her there faster if I was behind her, but I won’t give up being with her like this, face to face. So I dig deep—
“Mmmm… again.”
Her wish is my command.
“Rux!” And then she’s there, giving me my personal best for number of times getting her off. But this time, I can’t hold off. This time when our eyes meet and her body comes hard around mine, I let her take me with her. I follow her over the edge, holding on to that contact, that bond, that feeling of connection on a level I shouldn’t have with this girl, but will hold close to my heart for the rest of my days.
Minutes later, her head is resting on my shoulder, hand over my heart.
How am I going to give her up?
She takes in an even breath, and then another. And when she peers up at me, my heart breaks.
“I know you have too much going on right now. And the last thing you need is something edging its way toward a relationship when it wasn’t supposed to go like that. But maybe, it doesn’t have to be the end.” She bites her lip, barely meeting my eyes. “Maybe just once in a while, if the mood strikes us, maybe we could—”
“No.” Jesus, one word has never cost me so much. “Cammy, we can’t. As insanely good as this feels.” Better than anything I’ve ever had in my life. Especially the part where I hold her after. “It isn’t what either of us needs right now.”
It’s almost the truth. It’s the best I can do for her.
The nod she gives me is tight against my chest, and I know it’s not what she wanted to hear. That I’m hurting her feelings, but I need to do the right
thing here.
Another breath, this one deep and full, and she sits, looking at me with a smile. “You’re right. I know you are.”
She leans down and presses a soft kiss to my lips, and when she sits back, she’s not mine anymore.
Cammy
Rux had an out-of-town game the next day and was back the day after. He stopped by when Matty was around, and if I’d been worried about things being weird or different between us, I shouldn’t have. Rux came in like he always does, full of energy and excitement. An easy kiss at the top of my head and that brief one-armed hug that had always felt perfect, at least up until the time when I discovered how good the two-armed or even full-bodied varieties could be.
It was normal.
It was harder than I expected, simply for how seamlessly Rux slipped back into the role of just friends.
I should have been grateful. I mean, what kind of jerk wants to see someone they care about suffer? I don’t. Seeing Rux unhappy is almost as bad as seeing my boy in pain.
And the rational part of my brain knows that this ease is the best thing that could’ve happened. For me, for Rux, and most importantly for Matty.
But maybe some small ugly part of me wouldn’t mind an hour of things not being quite so comfortable between us. A small sign that on some level, he misses being with me the way I miss being with him.
But no.
It was just that easy for him to let me go.
Just like it had been for Jeremy.
So we hung out. We goofed around. And then Rux left for a five-day road trip.
And as much as I don’t like it, as much as I miss him, I have to admit that the break is probably what we need so I can get myself back on track, and reset my emotions to just friends.
Only three days in and I’m still not sleeping. I keep thinking about what it was like between us. How right it felt in his arms. The way he’d look at me when he came over after his games. How he loved staying home with me. The way he couldn’t get enough of my son.
How I could have sworn he was falling.
DIRTY REBOUND: A Slayers Hockey Novel Page 15