And heaviness settled over her, crushing her hope for the future. Worthlessness played in her mind as she thought about the mistakes she’d made. Who did she think she was to believe that she and Luke would ever end up together? He was destined for great service to God. She could see that. But there was no way she’d ever fit into that life. Especially now. She’d made sure of that by giving herself away to Miles.
Well, it didn’t matter. She was sure the Lord had a godly girl for Luke. Someone who’d saved herself for him and for God. Someone who could minister right alongside him and be a light to the lost.
Someone worthy.
And that was not her. Not now.
He was coming home in a few days for Christmas break. She’d really looked forward to that when he left. Now she cringed at the idea of facing him. How could she even be his friend now?
She thought about what her grandmother had said about talking to God. But what would she say? He obviously knew how she’d blown it. And she knew it was wrong—what she and Miles had done. But she’d gone along with it anyway. It had just felt so good to have someone love her. Or so she thought. Now she knew he’d just been using her. And it was her own fault. Maybe if she’d said no and set up boundaries in the first place, things would have ended differently between them.
Then she remembered their conversation about God and church. No way was he going to change in that regard.
I’m such a loser, she thought, as tears swam in front of her. I’ll never be good enough.
That’s right, Madison, a voice of condemnation spoke into her mind. You’re going to be alone forever. Even God doesn’t want you now.
Draping her arms over her knees, she buried her face in them. The tears turned to sobs as she mentally beat herself with her words. She levied heavy charges against herself—her looks, her actions, and her decisions—all of them disastrous in her eyes. How could God ever love her when she loathed herself?
Rocking back and forth, she thought about all the ways she’d let Him down. Surely He was finished with her now.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Lord, she repeated over and over as she hugged her great grandfather’s shirt to her chest and rocked, eyes closed to the world and her surroundings. Diving into the darkest places in her soul, a world of hurt rushed out, a raging river of regret. As she sobbed, the violent release of her pain drowned out the sound of the waves lapping the shore.
Finally spent, she sat silently, a hollowness replacing the fiery grenade of emotions. The gentle waves continued their endless cadence. One after another, she watched them roll in. And as she gazed out toward the horizon, a still small voice spoke into her spirit.
I am with you.
An unexpected peace descended upon her heart. What was happening? She sat very still and listened intently.
And then a rush of scriptures from her younger days came flooding back. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you… I will never leave you nor forsake you... Whoever touches you, touches the apple of My eye… Do not fear for I am with you, do not anxiously look about you for I am your God, surely I will help you, surely I will up hold you with My righteous right hand... There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
One after another, faster and faster they came. And with them came an unexpected assurance of God’s perfect love.
Her emotions swelled again. This time with a joy she could not remember ever experiencing before. He was here. Right here with her. And He still loved her.
She looked up at the sky. There in the distance she saw the sun break through the clouds sending a beam of light down onto the calm sea, creating a circle of glittering iridescence on the water’s surface. Smiling through her tears, her spirit soared heavenward in silent praise as she soaked in His grace, mercy, and love.
Then, climbing off the table and stretching out on her back on the sand, she watched the clouds dancing overhead, as the caressing melody of the waves became her friend, easing her into a state of complete peace. Closing her eyes, she prayed without words, allowing the fullness of her heart to be her song to God.
And then, she heard the sound of sand crunching under her. And she realized she was no longer alone.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“Madison, are you okay?” a familiar voice asked as she sat upright and glanced over her shoulder.
“Luke?” She was on her feet in an instant.
He held out open arms. “Yep. It’s me.”
They moved toward each other and embraced briefly. “What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I was able to get a ride home from a friend at school whose folks live in Portland. So I thought I’d surprise everyone.”
“Do your parents know you’re here?”
“Yeah. I went by there first. Then I decided to drop by your place, but your mom told me you’re living with your grandmother for a while. So I went over there, and that’s how I found out you were here.” He paused and looked into her eyes. “Is everything okay?”
Madison smiled, thinking of how different her answer would have been just an hour earlier. “It is now,” she said.
His surprised expression made her realize that he thought she meant it was because of him. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, she just gave him a playful shove and said, “Don’t let it go to your head.”
He laughed. “Wanna go for coffee?”
“Okay,” she replied, happy for the chance to spend time with him. Maybe she’d even share some of what just happened to her. Or maybe this was just a good time to find out more about what was happening in his life.
They walked toward the street side-by-side, not touching each other. In the past, Madison would have yearned to have him take her hand or put his arm over her shoulder. But now… now God’s love so filled her heart that she didn’t crave that anymore.
“You seem different,” Luke said as they sat across from each other at the Coffee Stop.
“Different? How?”
“I don’t know. Older I guess.”
She wondered if he sensed the changes in her since her relationship with Miles. Or was it what had just happened at the beach. Either way, she sensed a shift in their relationship to one of peers in his eyes.
“You seem different, too,” she replied. “So tell me about college.”
“Okay, but first what’s up with moving to your grandmother’s place?” he asked, looking concerned.
“It’s a long story. I just needed to get away for a while and sort some things out.”
He studied her face.
“What?” she asked.
“So are you doing that?” he asked.
“What, sorting things out?” she replied. “Yeah. It was time to make some changes,” she added. “I think I’m getting myself on the right track now.”
Nodding, he said, “That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.”
“So how do you like college?” she asked before sipping her coffee.
“It’s good,” he replied. “I miss everyone here, of course, but I love the school and I’m really learning a lot. I’m even taking an art class, if you can imagine that. Me with my stick figures. The professor is teaching us that drawing is a matter of learning how to really look at something. It’s cool because it’s not only helping me draw better, it’s helping me with life stuff—you know, learning to really look carefully before acting.”
She soaked in his words. “Yeah, that’s cool.” Smiling, she added, “Grandma and I are starting a watercolor class at the university. Maybe we’ll all be artists.”
“Pretty sure I won’t,” he said. “But I think you’ll like your class. Art’s a good way to get a glimpse into the heart of God, you know.”
“Really? How?”
“Well, like His creative side and how He’s made everything so complex and yet so beautiful in a simple way, too.”
“Now you sound like Rick,” she said.
“How’s he doing these day
s? I’ll bet the students are having the surprise of a lifetime when they find out he’s become a Christian.”
“Yeah. It’s kind of taken over some of the discussions in his classes. I know he’s spent time with your dad discussing how to answer the questions and challenges presented to him.”
“What a flip from the days he used to make it a point to discredit the believers who were in his class.”
Madison nodded. She thought back to the stories Rick had told her about how her mother handed him a sealed envelope on the last day of her class with a letter inside that shared her journey to faith. “Mom says she wishes she’d had him now instead of back then. But considering she got him thinking about God, it seems like it was maybe God’s plan from the beginning.”
“Pretty amazing, huh?” Luke asked. He finished the last of his coffee, and then added, “I’d better get going. Mom made me promise not to be gone long. They want to take me to the Cliffhanger for dinner.”
“Wow. Upscale,” she replied with a teasing grin.
“Want to come along? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”
“Really? Don’t you think they’d want this to just be a family time?” she asked.
“You are family,” he replied. “Besides, Lucy said she hardly ever gets to talk to you anymore.”
Madison hesitated for a moment. It sounded like fun. “If you’re sure they won’t mind,” she said.
“They’ll have to deal with me if they do,” he said. “Come on. Let’s get going. You can go back to your grandmother’s and change, and I’ll borrow Dad’s car to pick you up. They made a reservation for seven-thirty. I’ll come by at seven-fifteen.”
“Okay,” she replied, standing and following him to the door.
That night was wonderful. Sitting and talking and laughing with Luke’s family pushed Madison’s recent life issues away, and she felt normal and loved again. Lucy didn’t mention Miles, and Madison was thankful for that.
As she sat next to Luke and listened to his college tales and his ever-increasing love for God, she wondered how she could have ever been attracted to a loser like Miles. Yeah, he was cute. And there was lots of chemistry between them, but it was all so physical. Luke, on the other hand, had a heart for people and for the Lord that put him heads above Miles.
After dinner, Luke pushed back from the table a little and draped his arm over the back of Madison’s chair. “Ready to head out?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess,” she replied, looking longingly around the table and wishing she could just stay there forever.
“You should come to youth group tomorrow night,” Lucy said to her.
Madison turned to Luke. “Are you going?” she asked.
“Yeah. I’m meeting with the college and career group because they’re planning a short-term mission trip for the summer,” he said. “I’m thinking of going along on that trip,” he added.
“You are going,” Lucy interjected. “You promised.”
“Okay, so I didn’t really promise, but I’m pretty sure I’m going.”
“Whatever,” Lucy replied, rolling her eyes but still smiling. “Come to the meeting, Maddie. Maybe you’ll decide to go, too.”
Smiling at Lucy’s challenge, Madison replied, “Okay, you’ve convinced me, Luce.”
With that, Luke stood and pushed in his chair. “I’ll see you in a while,” he said to everyone, as Madison joined him on her feet, retrieving her purse, which was hanging on her chair.
“Thanks for dinner,” she said to Ben and Kelly. “I really enjoyed it.”
“Yeah, thanks, Dad,” Luke added.
“My pleasure,” Ben replied.
“Come by the house anytime,” Kelly said to Madison, adding, “I know you’ll want to see Luke while he’s home.”
Luke shot his mom a warning look. Then he turned to Madison. “Moms,” he murmured under his breath as he took her elbow and guided her toward the door.
Madison caught herself reaching for Luke’s hand as they headed up the walkway to her grandmother’s front door. She’d gotten so used to continuous physical contact when she was with Miles, that she had to remind herself Luke was not her boyfriend. Not by a long shot.
As she unlocked the front door and pushed it open, Sheila called from somewhere inside the house, “Is that you, Maddie?”
“Yeah, Grandma. It’s just Luke and me,” she called back.
A moment later, Sheila appeared from the kitchen. “Luke! It’s so good to see you again.”
“You, too, Mrs. Chambers,” he replied politely.
“Come on in and have a seat,” she said, gesturing to the couch. “I want to hear all about college.”
Before Luke could begin to talk, Rick came in from the den, prompting Luke to jump back to his feet, offering a handshake and a “Hello, Dr. Chambers.”
“Son,” Rick said, nodding and then shaking his hand.
Wow, Madison thought. Miles wouldn’t have done that.
Sitting stiffly at the other end of the couch, she watched as Luke carried on an adult conversation with her grandmother and step-grandfather. He seemed so at ease but respectful at the same time. Miles had always tried to avoid the grownups in Madison’s life, preferring to spend time alone with her instead.
As they all settled in and Luke described his college experiences, Madison could tell that Rick was really interested. “It must be refreshing to have professors who share your faith,” he observed.
Luke nodded. “With all the social issues these days, I’m glad there are still schools like mine where students can hear a Christian worldview in their classes.”
“Rick’s been trying to interject some of that into his classes at the university, haven’t you, dear?” Sheila said, turning to Rick.
“Yes, but I have to be more cautious about when and how I do that. All you have to do to get a visual for the broad road leading to destruction that’s mentioned in scripture is to look at the mainstream professors today. What used to be considered radical is now the norm. If anything, me being a Christian professor makes me the radical these days. Unfortunately, that is supported like the antiestablishment mindsets of yesterday were.”
“It must be difficult for you,” Luke observed.
Rick agreed. “But your father’s been a big help.”
Luke looked at Madison and smiled. “Yeah. I heard.”
A lull in the conversation led Rick to his feet. Turning to Sheila, he said, “Maybe we should leave these two alone to catch up.”
Sheila glanced over at Madison and smiled. “You’re right, honey.” She stood up. “I hope we get to see you again before you head back to school.”
Luke nodded. “Me, too.”
After her grandparents had left the room, Madison shifted nervously, drawing her knee up onto the seat beside her as she turned her body to face him. “I could tell Rick was a little envious of your professors and their freedom to be open about their faith.”
“It must be really hard for him to be surrounded by people who look at the world so differently.”
“Yeah, especially after the one-eighty he’s done in his own life,” she agreed. “Now he can see even more clearly how messed up they are.”
There was another lull, and then they both started talking at once.
“So you,” Madison blurted.
“Are you,” Luke began.
They both laughed. “You go first,” she said.
“I was just going to ask if you’re going tomorrow night—to youth group,” he said.
“Uh, yeah, sure,” she replied, suddenly looking forward to going for the first time in long while.
Luke leaned over and put his hand on her knee. “How long are you going to stay here, Maddie? Your family must really miss you.”
She looked away, her stomach suddenly clenching. “I don’t know. We didn’t part on the best of terms.”
“What happened?” he asked.
Madison took a deep breath. “It’s kind of a long story,” she hedge
d.
Pulling his hand away, he said, “I’m sorry. Well, it’s really not my business.” He stood up and added, “I’d better get going.”
She walked him to the door. “Thanks again for the fun night,” she said, wishing she had the nerve to talk to him about everything that had happened. But if he knew, he probably wouldn’t want to be her friend anyway.
“See you tomorrow,” he replied with a smile as he walked out the front door.
“Yeah. See ya,” she answered.
Before he got into his car, he turned and looked at her again, tipping his head to the side and giving one last smile as he waved goodbye.
Madison lifted her hand in reply, her heart wishing desperately that their relationship were something much more. But that could never be. She’d ruined that for sure. At least she now knew that God still loved her. But a guy like Luke? She could never deceive him, and if he knew the truth, well that would take care of any future they would have had. Even God couldn’t fix that.
When Madison came back into the house, her grandmother was alone in the living room. “Come sit by me,” she said, patting the cushion beside her on the couch. “How was your evening?”
Plunking herself down, Madison looked over and replied, “It was good. How was yours?”
Her grandmother patted her on the knee. “I had a good talk with your mother.”
Madison’s heart stopped. “Did you tell her about me and Miles?”
“I didn’t, honey. But you need to. She’s your mother, and she needs to know.”
“Do you think she’ll hate me?” Madison asked, trying to imagine her mother’s reaction.
Grandma Sheila looked surprised. “Of course not, sweetheart. Your mom loves you very much. Nothing could ever change that. If anything, she may even partly blame herself.”
“Herself? Why?”
“Because parents feel responsible when things like that happen. But I can also tell you that she will be very relieved and proud of you when she hears that you broke it off with him.”
Behind Her Smile Page 19