Brody held her tighter, burying his face in her neck and inhaling deeply. “I feel you.”
“Stay with me.” She hoped he’d hear more than the words and the meaning of the moment, but her heart’s desire.
When he didn’t say anything, she leaned back. Such raw emotion filled his eyes. Placing her hand on his cheek, she gave him a smile to let him know she understood. He’d been a lost child, living in a tumultuous house with a drunk. His teenage years had been wild and unruly, lacking direction for a young man who had a lot of potential and no outlet. After leaving his home, he’d found a career, excelled in the military, earning him medals and honors, but he was paying a price for his service. Laced through all the times of his life, she’d been the only thing he’d held on to of home.
Rain gave up the fight to keep him at arm’s length. She loved him, had always loved him, and was ready to concede the fight.
His hand locked on hers, she walked out of the pizzeria with him beside her, the girls trailing behind. She grabbed a blanket out of the back of her car, and they all walked down the street toward the park. Brody remained quiet, turned into himself. When she leaned into him, he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer. She wrapped her arm around his waist and held on. His body relaxed in her arms. Nothing was said. Words weren’t necessary or needed when you were where you belonged and everything was right. For now. Tomorrow, she’d tell him about Roxy and Autumn. As much as she wanted to hold on to this bond they’d just forged, it was tenuous and malleable. Their talk would either strengthen their bond, harden it into something lasting, or break it, leaving them both adrift in their separate lives again.
Chapter Fourteen
* * *
RAIN STOOD IN the kitchen, staring out the window at the fading light of day. Shadows moved across the yard, masking the vibrant colors of the blooming flowers. Much like the darkness enveloping Brody’s mind at times. She’d been concerned about his car accident, knowing he’d had some sort of episode while driving. Unreal, but not so serious or dangerous at the time. Especially since he’d only received minor injuries. But seeing him last night, up close and personal, concerned her even more. What if one of the girls had been in the truck with him? What if he’d grabbed on to one of them? She glanced down at her bruised arm and flexed her fingers, working the sore muscles.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Owen walked into the kitchen behind her. As always, he came to her and kissed her on the head. “You look a million miles away.”
“Just thinking.”
“What’s wrong with the girls? I thought they’d be all riled up and rowdy, ready for dinner and a movie. Instead, they look like someone died.”
“They’re worried about me seeing Brody tonight.”
“Is Autumn worried about what he’ll say about Roxy and what she did?”
“Yes,” she said absently.
“Why won’t you look at me?” Owen put his hand on her shoulder. She leaned her cheek on it for a second, gathering her thoughts. “Come on, Rain. Tell me what’s going on,” he coaxed.
“We went out for dinner last night,” she began.
“Yes, I know. What happened?” he asked, his voice tight. “Did you two get into a fight in front of the girls?”
“No. Nothing like that. In fact, we had a really good talk. A little heated, but we were getting someplace.”
“I thought once you guys spent some time together, maybe the old spark would flare to life again. So, what happened last night? Did you decide you don’t want to be with Brody?”
“Not exactly,” she stalled, trying to sort out her thoughts.
“Rain, if you want me to go lawyer on you and ask a lot of probing questions, fine. Otherwise, spit it out.”
“I lost him,” she blurted out.
“Lost him? He loves you. He came back for you.”
“Yes. I believe he did. I just didn’t understand how necessary I am to him.”
Owen took her by the shoulders, turned her, and made her face him. “What are you talking about, sweetheart?”
“I’m not explaining this very well.”
“You haven’t explained a damn thing.” Owen’s frustration with her evasive answers came out with his words.
“We were sitting in the booth talking. He’s different. Not confrontational, but controlled. Even when I told him the cold hard truth, things he didn’t want to hear, he didn’t lash out at me, didn’t fight back.”
“He took a breath and said something to defuse the situation.”
“Much more disturbing,” she said, only half teasing. “He opened up to me, told me how he’s felt all these years. Since he was a kid really,” she added.
“Okay,” Owen said, tentative about making any further assumptions. “After that?”
“I lost him. He was talking to me one minute and just gone the next.”
“He blacked out.” Owen ran his hands down her arms to her hands. Unfortunately, he didn’t miss her wince in pain when his fingers brushed over her forearm and wrist. “What the hell?” He took her hand and pulled the sleeve of her sweater up. “What the . . . Did he do this to you?”
“This was done by a man desperate to hold on to me and home and not get lost in a dark and scary world pulling him under against his will.”
“You lost him,” Owen repeated her sentiment. “He had a flashback.”
“Owen, it was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. He was sitting beside me, his body trembling, sweat breaking out on his skin, and I couldn’t reach him. He couldn’t hear me, respond to me. Everything in me knows he was holding on for dear life because he wanted to be with me. Not there, not lost.”
Owen pulled her into his arms and held her tight, close. “Okay, sweetheart. I get it.”
“I don’t think you do. I can’t explain what it was like to see someone like Brody in that state. He’s strong, determined, smart, sturdy as they come. Kick ass and take names, that’s the Brody we know. I look at him and he’s still the same, even bigger and stronger than before.”
“Yeah, the military bulked him up. Physically, he’s well.”
She took a step away and ran her fingers through the side of her hair. “It’s his mind, Owen. Part of him is locked in that war and the horrible things he’s seen and done. It sucked him away from me.”
“What happened when it was over? What did he say about your arm?”
“I didn’t let him see it,” she confessed and frowned. “I made sure he didn’t see it. You should have seen how lost he looked. I got him out of there as fast as I could without making a scene. We went to the park. I thought keeping him outside and in the open would help. Instead, he was quiet and kept searching everywhere for something.”
“Probably the enemy.”
“That was my thought, too. The girls tried to engage him, and he made an effort to respond, but you could see he wanted to leave. He didn’t want us to see him like that.”
“He’s probably worried about what you think, or that you’ll never want to be with him because of this.”
“This. What is this? Post-traumatic stress. I expected him to be the same but a little distracted, depressed, short-tempered. Those were the things the doctor warned us about. But not this, Owen. Not him falling away blank, sinking into nightmares when he’s awake.”
“I know you’re scared for him, Rain.”
“Scared doesn’t begin to cover it. You know Brody. He won’t deal with this well.”
“Are you afraid he’ll hurt himself?”
“I’m afraid for the girls to be alone with him. I’m afraid for him to be alone with himself.”
“Are you afraid to go see him tonight? To be alone with him? Because if you are, we can all go. I’ll distract the girls while you talk to Brody.”
“No. It’s not that. He wouldn’t hurt me.” Doubt infused her voice, and she hated that it was there.
Owen took her hand and raised it between them. Blue and purple bruises encircled her arm in a perfect impr
int of Brody’s hand and fingers. “He did hurt you.”
She snatched her hand back. “You know him. I know him. He’d never hurt me on purpose. You didn’t see him.”
The tears fell down her cheeks, silent at first, but she couldn’t hold back the sob as Owen took her into his arms. His big hands rubbed up and down her back and he held her and let her weep all over his shirt. When she finally brought herself somewhat under control, she leaned back and looked up at him.
“Have you ever wished for something so hard and for so long you thought it would never come true? It was too far out of your reach and too much to ask for anyway, because you can’t erase the past.”
“Brody has always been yours, Rain. You knew it when you were kids, you know it today. Whatever came between is just life. It’s in the past. Do you want to live there, or find a way to really live now and have everything you ever wished come true? It’s within your reach. Grab it. Hold on to it. Life has given you enough hardship and grief. Find some happiness. You know, the kind you only ever had with Brody.”
“Right up until he screwed it all up. And Roxy, too,” she added bitterly.
“That’s the past, Rain. Move on.”
“Move on. Just like that?”
“Why not? For once, take what you want. Do something foolish because it makes you feel good. You’ve been taking care of everyone and everything for too long. You’ve forgotten that you deserve something for yourself.”
“Between the shop and taking care of the girls, there’s nothing left for me,” she admitted. “I’m afraid I don’t have enough to give to Brody. What if he needs more than I have to make him better?”
“It’s not your job to make him better. He knows what he needs to do.”
“What is he supposed to do to make this go away? The physical therapy will rebuild his muscles and strength. What will rebuild his mind?”
“Time, Rain. It’s only been a couple of months. He needs time and distance from that other life. Being with you and the girls will give him a new focus. It’s got to be stressful to come back here and try to win you back, find out he’s got two daughters, and figure out how to go forward with all of you, knowing things might not work out. He’s got a hell of a lot more to lose than the woman he loves. There’s a lot at stake, and he knows one mistake on his part could ruin it all. He’s got to make up for the past, earn back your trust, be a father to two little girls who have grown to the age of seven without him.
“He spent too long living on the edge. That’s become his normal and he’s trying to get back to a regular kind of life. I think you know that, and maybe it makes you a little scared to think Brody’s need for a wife and family to help him feel sane again is more than you can wish for right now. It’s what you both want and are scared to make a reality. He’s afraid of losing you and you’re afraid of being hurt.”
“It’s not like I don’t have reason to be,” Rain snapped.
Worn out and resigned, she sighed out her frustration. Owen’s words came out softly behind her.
“Listen to your heart. Take a deep breath and be brave. As much as you know he needs you, you need him, too. More than anything, I think that scares you the most. Knowing you need him, and fearing he’ll let you down again. Because he let you down when you needed him the most and you were pregnant with Dawn and everything that came after that. You’ll never know if he’ll let you down or stand beside you for the rest of your life unless you try.”
“Dammit, Owen, you’re not going to let it go until I make the first move toward him.”
“I’m doing this for you and him. After last night, he’ll push you away. With the way things have been going for him, he’s probably convinced himself you’re better off without him. Don’t let this happen, Rain. It won’t be good for either of you.”
“How do you know?” she asked, her mind a whirlwind of thoughts.
“Both of you are miserable without each other. Imagine how empty you’ll feel if you spend the rest of your lives apart.”
She didn’t want to think about it. It had been on her mind since the day he walked away. How she’d spend the rest of her life feeling empty and alone, like a piece of her was missing. Because it was. Brody had her heart, and only when she was with him did she feel that vibrant love and completeness he brought to her life.
“Sonofabitch.” She gave in. “Fine. I’ll go see him. I’ll tell him about Roxy and Autumn. We’ll see how things go after that.”
“I’ll take your bed tonight.” Owen’s cocky grin mocked her in the dark window above the sink.
She turned and scowled. “You assume I won’t be home tonight.”
“I assume you’ll make it clear to Brody that you want to work things out and make a life with him and the girls. The only way to have everything is to lay your cards out on the table and take a risk.”
“I just might come up bust,” she said.
Owen kissed her on the head and shoved her toward the door. “You might win the pot if you play your cards right.”
Chapter Fifteen
* * *
BRODY STOOD OUT on the dock, looking at the water and waiting for Rain. The sun descended, setting over the mountains, the sky bright with vibrant colors ahead of him as the dark of night grew behind him. He wanted to stay bathed in the last light of day, soaking it up before he got lost in the dark. This evening would tell the tale between him and Rain. They stood at a crossroads, both of them coming from different directions and standing in the center to decide which path to take. They’d been in this position before, only that time, he’d turned his back on her and they went their separate ways. He hoped this time he could convince her to walk the same path, because he couldn’t stand to think of spending the rest of his days without her, all of her, on his side, by his side.
Last night weighed heavily on him. They needed to talk about his losing his mind in the middle of the pizza parlor. One minute he’d been talking to her, and the next he was lost in the middle of war, bombs exploding, gunfire piercing the air. Adrenaline pumping through his veins, he knew his job. It had become second nature, a reflex to the situation. Survival at all costs, the most important thing. He’d used his strength, his skills, a gun. Then. But not now. Now, survival hinged on getting Rain back and making a life with her and his daughters. He wished the how of it was as natural to him as holding a gun in his hand.
She brought him back last night. He hadn’t told her he’d heard her say she loved him. It was too much to hope she meant it in a deeper way than just a tribute to their past friendship and because of the children. Without a doubt she had feelings for him, long lasting and deeply felt from years of shared experiences. Beautiful memories he wished could be reality now.
He didn’t know how she felt now, or what she thought of his diminished mental state. Humiliating and maddening, it scared him to think Rain might be put off enough to not let him see his kids as freely as he’d like. Ashamed and embarrassed his children witnessed his behavior last night, all he wanted was to be with them, have a normal family life, and love them.
So much at his fingertips, he wanted to grab hold and never let go. Like reality, it seemed to slip through his damn fingers just when he thought he had a handle on it.
Lost in thought, he didn’t hear Rain drive up, but the sound of the door slamming shut caught his attention. He tracked her footsteps over the gravel drive, almost silently across the new grass, then padding down the wood dock toward him. She stopped a few feet away and stood in the quiet with him for a moment. He let the night settle around them.
Once they started talking, things would turn heated. They still had a few things to hash out, and he and Rain had always done that, everything, with a lot of passion. Like the time they made Dawn. What he wouldn’t give to have Rain beneath him again. Right now, they stood apart in more ways than one. He wanted it all and was willing to go through this mess in order to get there.
“Beautiful night.” Her voice broke the silence. Not t
he opening he expected. Her soft, sweet voice surprised him as much as her words. He expected direct and curt, but he’d take her cue and hold to it as long as he could before the sparks flew and someone got burned.
“When I was gone, I missed this sky. You can’t see stars like this anywhere else,” he commented, keeping his back to her.
“I wouldn’t know about that.”
A shaft of guilt ripped through him. This had been the only place she’d ever known.
“I’ll bet the desert sky is beautiful at night.”
He thought she’d make a dig about missing school because of him. Her voice and the comment about the desert were more inquisitive.
“Hard to appreciate it with bombs going off,” he shot back. So much for soft and sweet. He didn’t know why he was being antagonistic when all he wanted was to talk to her calmly, rationally.
Well, there’s your problem. Your mind’s a long way from calm and rational. Fucked up is more like it.
“I imagine so, but that place is far away and here we are, underneath this sky. Together,” she added, her voice still tranquil, making him wonder about her strange behavior. He wanted to turn and look at her, see the expression on her face, and know what she was really thinking. Instead, he stood still, waiting for that first spark to flash, so he could get through it, get it done, and have her back in his arms.
“When I was pregnant with Dawn, sometimes I’d drive out here at night to be close to you. I’d stand on this dock and look up at the stars and I’d talk to you.”
Surprised, he turned to her then, but her gaze was on the sky above, and she was a million miles away as those stars.
“Rain . . .”
“At first,” she said over him, “I let my anger reign. I’d scream at you in the night and tell you how mad I was that you’d slept with Roxy. As time went on, I realized what hurt the most was that loving me wasn’t enough to keep you from sleeping with her.”
The Return of Brody McBride Page 15