RIDE (A Stone Kings Motorcycle Club Romance)
Page 16
Panicking, I looked toward the direction of the front door and briefly considered pretending I wasn’t home, but it was no use. The perfect dinner I had envisioned was not going to happen.
It only made things worse that when I opened the door, Trig was standing there looking hotter than I’d ever remembered.
As always, he dressed simply and casually, but there was something about the dark gray shirt he was wearing that brought out the deep cast of his eyes and showed off his muscular chest in a way that made my stomach clench.
His handsome face was expressionless, his eyes neutral, as though he didn’t know me from Adam. My heart sank a little when I saw it.
“Hi,” I said a little breathlessly. “Come on in.”
Thankfully, I had already gotten dressed so he wasn’t seeing me in the stained tank top and sweats I had been wearing earlier. The pink sundress I had chosen did a pretty good job of showing off the better parts of my figure while hiding others.
Unfortunately, the last few minutes in the kitchen had left me sweaty and flushed. The artful tendrils I had arranged around my face clung to my cheeks, which were now probably flushed the same color as my dress.
I pushed my hair out of the way and stood back from the threshold so he could come in. I noticed he hadn’t said anything by way of greeting, which only made my nerves worse.
“Sorry, make yourself at home,” I said, indicating the couch. “I have to go deal with something. I’ll be right back.”
I fled into the kitchen, and tried to get a quick glimpse of myself in the door of the microwave. What little I could see wasn’t promising.
“Smells good,” Trig called politely from the living room.
“Thanks,” I cried. I opened the oven door again and looked at the unappetizing mess in front of me.
“Uh, just a minute!”
What was I going to do? The meat was cooked but somehow the crust wasn’t. In desperation, I took the pan out of the oven and transferred the wellingtons to another clean one, then turned on the broiler. A minute or two under that heat was the only thing I could think to do.
“Looks like you’re having a little trouble in here.”
Trig’s voice so close behind me made me jump and squeal. I turned around to see his face. His eyes were still emotionless, but just a hint of a smile tugged at one the corners of his mouth.
“I… Yeah. I guess I was a little ambitious,” I admitted. “It’s supposed to be Beef Wellington.”
“Huh. Never had it before.” He eyed it curiously.
“Well, I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to look like this.”
He frowned. “Can you just take off the wrapping part, and then sear the beef?”
“I dunno.” I cocked my head skeptically at the pan. “It’s probably a better option than what I was going to do, though.” I turned off the broiler and grabbed a pan from the lower cupboard. “Thanks for the idea.”
“I’m sure it will be good,” he shrugged. “Hell, it’s beef. What’s not to like?”
Thankful for his easy-going nature, I relaxed just a little bit.
“I suppose you’re right,” I replied. “Oh! I’m sorry. Do you want something to drink?” I nodded toward the fridge. “There’s beer, of course. Or wine, if you prefer.” I nodded toward the bottle of red that I had already opened to calm my nerves.
“I’ll go with beer, thanks.”
I had made sure to stock the fridge with a six-pack of a kind that I knew he liked. He twisted the cap off the bottle and I grabbed my glass, then hesitated for a moment. Swallowing, I bravely held it up to him.
“To honesty,” I said, looking him in the eye.
His brow furrowed, confused. “Okay,” he shrugged. “To honesty.”
As we drank, my nerves started to come back. I knew Trig had been wary of accepting my invitation to dinner, and he definitely was keeping his distance from me. I had gotten so used to his open physicality, the heat of his presence, that his cold, aloof attitude tonight made it feel as though the temperature had dropped ten degrees.
I found myself beginning to lose my nerve a little, and poured myself another glass of wine to try to get my courage up for the conversation ahead. So much was riding on this evening, and I was terrified of how it all might turn out.
Over the last three days, I had finally started being honest with myself about my feelings for Trig. The truth was, I was in love with him. And I was absolutely terrified that tonight, I would find out something about him that would mean I would have to walk away from him.
But what terrified me even more?
That I would find out he was the real deal, but he would decide to walk away from me.
We set the table mostly in silence, then sat down to eat. The beef un-wellington was a little overdone, but like Trig said, it was still beef. He complimented me on the meal, and even cracked a smile when I confessed how long it had been since I had prepared a meal of strictly grown-up food.
I had made dessert, too, but Trig said he was too full to have any, so I carried the plates back to the kitchen and we moved to the living room couch. The mood, which had lightened a bit during dinner, shifted subtly now. We both knew the reason we were here, and there was no putting it off any longer.
Sitting next to him felt unusually awkward. I had touched him so many times, first as his therapist and then as his lover. I knew his body so well, and yet there seemed to be an unbreachable distance between us, even though he was so close I could practically feel the heat radiating from his body.
“Trig,” I began, “I wanted to apologize again for blowing up at you about David’s phone call. But…” I took a deep breath. “I also wanted to explain some things to you. About why I act the way I do.”
“Okay. Go ahead.” His face was unreadable, impassive.
Here goes nothing.
So, I told him.
I told him how much I had dreamed of having a stable family life growing up. How my sister and I had never had a father to speak of, and how our mother was never much of a mother to us, either. How I told myself I would never put my own children in that position.
I told him that when I met David, he seemed like he’d be the perfect man to fit into the ideal picture I’d painted for myself. He came from a well-off upper-class family; he had just finished ophthalmology school and gotten a coveted place at a prestigious eye clinic in Seattle. He said he wanted children and a family.
I was attracted to David in part because my whole life had felt so unstable and out of my control, and David seemed like the opposite of that. What I hadn’t seen was that he had no real interested in marriage and a family. What he really wanted was the appearance of success, and a wife and child were part of that picture.
His controlling ways, his possessiveness, eventually made me realize that I was at risk of losing control of my life and subjecting Zoe to an upbringing that would teach her that girls and women were meant to be nothing but pretty, docile, and without opinions of their own.
I told him how I had had to claw my way out of that marriage to gain my life back, and how I was terrified of losing myself again. That I was terrified of trusting.
“You told me I have to figure out what I want,” I said, my voice nearly a whisper. I hadn’t been able to look him in the eye since I started talking. I fixed a point on the coffee table, as though I was alone in the room, talking to myself.
“You said I needed to figure out if I want a man in my life who will be there for me. Someone I can trust.” Finally, I turned to him, meeting his eyes with difficulty. “The truth is,” I said, brushing away a tear, “I want someone to trust. But I’m terrified to let myself be vulnerable again.”
Trig’s eyes were locked on mine, but he didn’t move.
“Eva,” he said. “Why are you so afraid? David is one man. Only one man, out of all the men in the world. Why would you let him make you afraid of everyone else?” He frowned. “Why would you let him make you afraid of me? Of us?”
I shook my head, a shaky laugh escaping me as I wiped away another tear. “Well. See. There’s the second thing I wanted to talk to you about.”
My heart was pounding in my chest. I was so afraid he’d laugh at me. So afraid he’d think I was being ridiculous. But even worse… so afraid that he wouldn’t tell me the truth.
“There was someone else who hurt me once.” I glanced at him. “His name… was Caleb.”
Trig’s eyes widened, but he didn’t interrupt.
“I think…” my voice broke, and I had to clear my throat twice to continue. “I think I was a little in love with him, back in the day. He made me feel things no other boy did. And for some odd reason, he seemed to like me, too.
“One day, he took me on a motorcycle ride. It was…” I paused, pushing down tears. “It was probably the best day of my life up until that point. Caleb was really, really nice. I felt like I could talk to him. And,” I smiled at the memory, “He was my first kiss.”
“Eva…” Trig began.
“No,” I shook my head stubbornly. “Let me keep going.”
He nodded and sat back, staring at me.
“When we drove back to town from the hot springs, my mom… my drunk mom came flying out of the house and started yelling at me in front of the whole neighborhood. In front of him.” I stifled a sob. “I had never been so embarrassed in my life. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever been so embarrassed since. I couldn’t imagine what Caleb must have thought of me. I felt so exposed.” I shook my head. “All I could hope for was that somehow, somehow, it wouldn’t make any difference.
“Well,” I continued, my voice turning bitter. “I found out later that it had made a difference. Debbie Turner, who lived across the street, told me.” I risked a glance at Trig, whose stare had turned intense. “You remember Debbie, don’t you? I’m sure you do. If I remember correctly, you and she dated for a while after that.”
I pushed down my anger enough to keep going. Here it was: the moment of truth.
Finally, I looked him in the eyes. “Debbie told me that you told her about what happened! That you told her I acted all high and mighty, like a princess, but in fact I was just trash like my mother!”
Trig’s eyes grew wide. “Jesus, Eva!” he cried. “I never said that! I never, ever would have said that!” The shock on his face was evident.
“No?” I retorted. “Then how did she know you had called me princess, Trig?” My anger began to bubble over, even as a tiny part of me began to doubt myself. “How could she have possibly known that, unless you told her?”
He shook his head in disbelief. “I don’t know, exactly… Eva, for fuck’s sake, you’ve got to believe me! It was so long ago, but Christ, I know I didn’t say that.” He leaned forward and took my hands in his, not letting go when I tried to pull away. “Eva, I was fucking crazy about you. I swear to you. I never would have said that.”
He looked off into the distance, remembering. “Yes, I will admit, I was shocked when your mom came outside. But Jesus, I didn’t judge you for it! I was just sad for you, knowing that you’d have to go inside and face that. And there was nothing I could do for you! You have no idea how damn helpless I felt.” He grimaced at the memory.
I wanted to believe him. Oh, how I wanted to believe him. But how could I? I knew he’d talked to Debbie about me. There was no other explanation for that.
“Why did you talk to Debbie?” I cried. “She always hated me, her family always looked down their noses at my mom. If you wanted to protect me, then why would you tell her something she could throw in my face?”
He looked at me in surprise. “Eva, I didn’t know that! I didn’t even know you were neighbors until that night.” He frowned in concentration, then continued. “I do remember talking to Debbie about you, a couple days later at a party. She came up to me and said she noticed us leaving the high school on my bike. I think I’d had a few drinks by then, and all I could think about that weekend was you, and seeing you again.”
His eyes widened. “Shit, I do remember her asking me about whether we’d gone to your house, and I must have told her I called you princess. You were always so elegant, you had this way about you like you were just so much more together than most kids our age. I admired you for it. Hell, Eva, I never, ever would have used that word as an insult about you.” His eyes pleaded with mine. “You have to believe me, Eva. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen between us. Please believe I would never have done that to you.”
My head felt like a heavy weight on my neck. I didn’t know what to think. For so many years, I had thought of Caleb Jackson as a horrible, two-faced liar, and the first boy to ever break my heart.
Now, with Trig sitting in front of me, his eyes beseeching me, I started to realize that the version of events I had carried around in my heart all this time might not even have been real.
I had never marched up to Caleb back then and demanded that he explain himself. I had just assumed that, like my father, he was not what he seemed and couldn’t be trusted to stick around when things got tough. The heartbreak I had experienced made me afraid to trust again, until David. And then David had hurt me again, confirming my worst fears about men in general.
But what if the Caleb I had thought I knew was a complete fabrication — the product of a jealous and vindictive high school girl, playing on my own fears that a boy like him could never like a girl like me?
“I want to.” I bent my head, feeling my face reddening. “I want to believe you. And, thank you for not making me feel like this is some silly, stupid thing.” A soft, shaky laugh escaped my throat.
“Vanessa told me I was being an idiot for still being hung up on this so many years later. But it was more than just the idea that a boy I liked said something mean about me behind my back.” I gazed at him searchingly. “It was the idea that a boy I was crazy about saw my deepest, darkest secret, and then mocked me for it in front of someone else.” His eyes grew soft with emotion. “It was my worst fear, you know?” I whispered. “That someone would see deep inside me and use what they found to hurt me.”
Trig nodded, and tightened his grip on my hands.
“Eva, trust is always a leap of faith,” he said slowly. “Nothing’s ever certain. That’s the thing about trust. It’s always about giving up some control.”
One of his hands reached up and softly brushed my cheek.
“When that asshole doc brought you into my hospital room and said you were being assigned as my PT, you were probably the last person I would have chosen. Ten years you’d been gone from my life. And just when you come back into it, it’s to see me at my weakest. I wasn’t sure I’d ever walk again, much less ride, and I was gonna have to spend the next two months of my life with you watching me stumble and strain to do things that any five-year old could do with no problem at all.”
Trig sighed. “Shit, part of me was even sort of relieved when you tried to pawn me off on your friend Vanessa. At least that way, I didn’t have to put up with having you watch me fail every day.”
His thumb grazed my bottom lip; I shivered.
“But I knew you were my best chance at getting better. I trusted you. And that meant that I had to give up some control. Not to mention I would have given anything to keep seeing you every day.” He grinned. “So I convinced Vanessa to help me figure out a scheme to get you back as my PT.”
“What?!” I looked at him, stunned.
His eyes twinkled. “Yeah. She knew you were too much of a control freak not to take me back if you thought I wasn’t progressing as well as I should have been.”
“Oh, my God.” I seethed. “Vanessa is a dead woman.”
“Come on, give her a break,” he chuckled. “Believe me, she told me in no uncertain terms that I would pay dearly if I hurt a hair on your head.” Trig let out a low whistle. “She is vicious. And she cares a hell of a lot about you.”
“I can’t believe it.” I shook my head ruefully. “My best friend, plotting against me.”
Trig’s voice softened. “Eva, I wouldn’t tell anyone else in the world this. But I was fucking terrified after the accident. I was sure I’d never ride again. I felt like half a goddamn man.” His gaze bored into mine. “You made me believe otherwise. I had to trust you. And if you hadn’t noticed, it worked.” He nodded toward his leg.
He was right. I had to admit it. And damn him for pointing out that he and I had been fighting against the same things: Giving up control. Trusting someone in spite of all evidence to the contrary. Not hiding behind a safe lie, in order to confront the bold truth.
“Damn you for having a point,” I sighed.
Trig moved closer, and lifted my chin toward him.
“Eva Van Buren,” he began, his voice deep and rich. “Your strength and determination kept me going. I am a better, stronger man because of you. And along the way, I fell head over heels in love with you all over again.”
His lips brushed mine. “Please. I’m asking you to trust me. About the past, and about now. I know you’re afraid I’ll hurt you. But I’m asking you to believe me. Because I’ve loved you for over ten years, and I’m not about to stop now.”
My eyes shone. “I love you, too, Trig.”
And with that sentence, spoken in a trembling voice, ten years of hurt and misunderstanding fell away.
Whatever the future might hold, I would embrace it. If I got hurt, that was just a risk I would have to take… for love.
21
Trig
Eva took me by the hand and wordlessly led me upstairs.
I followed her into her bedroom, and watched in silence as she latched and locked it behind us.
“Just in case Mrs. Hayes comes in with Zoe to get something,” she explained.
Then, she slipped into my waiting arms, and arched her neck up as my lips came down on hers.