"You don't know what I can do," she said, her voice muffled against his chest. "What I have done."
She trembled, and he tightened his embrace, resting his cheek against the side of her head. "No, I don't. But I'm sure whatever you've done was with good cause. I haven't known you long, but I've seen you as nothing but caring. And you're braver than a lot of men I know. You stood up to marauders and got us out of there when I couldn't. If you hadn't--"
Berk squeezed his eyes shut. He had to let it go. No changing the past. And he couldn't let it rule the present any more than it already had.
"Two days to Nisair," he said, more to himself than Ciara, his voice a whisper.
Ciara leaned back to catch his eye. "And then you'll be free of this mess at last."
"Not all of it is a mess," Berk said. This close to her, even smelling of smoke and blood, he never wanted to let her go.
"Berk ..."
"I know." He managed the ghost of a smile. "But a boy can dream, can't he?"
Ciara snorted. "If you really knew me it would probably be more like nightmares."
"I very much doubt that." He glanced up, and quickly released her and stepped away. A small group headed across the yard: General Bolin first and foremost, the Lady of the Greensward leaning heavily on his arm, and the Commander striding alongside.
Ciara swiveled to follow his gaze. "Nialyne!"
She hiked up her skirts and sprinted toward them leaving Berk rooted where he stood. The General's dark glower slid his way and Berk cursed his own stupidity. He really didn't want to be on that man's bad side. Commander Garek's expression matched the General's as he walked over. Berk braced himself, but the Commander merely took him by the arm and turned him toward the barracks.
"Infirmary. Now," he said.
"Yes, sir."
Garek walked with him, not letting go of his arm. He kept his voice low. "Did I not say I didn't want to worry about what you were going to do?"
"Yes, sir."
"We don't have enough to deal with?"
"Plenty, sir."
He shook his head. "What're you thinking, lad?"
"Apparently I'm not, sir."
"You'd better start."
"Yes, sir."
Garek paused at the doorway. "Get that gash seen to, then get to quarters. And do me a favor? Stay there until I say otherwise, or I'll put you in chains."
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Hushed voices dragged Ciara from a restless sleep, and she sat up, with a groan. Remembering why she'd chosen to sleep curled in a chair in the corner of the infirmary took longer to work out than the crick in her neck.
She shifted her gaze to the bed next to her where a soldier laid swathed in bandages. The soothing scent of the marigold unguent hit her, and memories began to creep back. A small band of marauders had attacked through the river gate and set the streets of Broadhead on fire. She'd gone with Nialyne to help where she could. Soldiers and townsfolk alike had flooded the infirmary seeking treatment, many for minor burns, a few wounds, and one man for a broken leg gotten when he panicked and jumped from a window to get to safety. Ciara had worked side by side with Sergeant Evan the rest of the night and through the day. The Healer Guild sent the only two healers currently in the city. They had scowled at Ciara, and one forbade her to practice as she didn't have Guild membership. Bolin overrode them on authority of the Emperor, suggesting if they had an issue with it they could have their Guild Master file charges against him in Nisair. After that the healers didn't say a word, but gave Ciara a wide berth and more than a few sour looks.
Nialyne had helped quench the fire by calling up the power of the Greensward and turning the flames back on themselves, terrifying both Bolin and Ciara by collapsing shortly afterwards. She woke long enough to assure both of them she was merely exhausted, and once she got some sleep she'd be fine.
Ciara stretched and glanced at the soft light filtering through the window, wondering what time of what day it was. Sergeant Evan looked up from his conversation and waved her over. Ciara uncurled her legs and stood, hobbling stiffly until she could work the feeling back into her foot.
"We thought it best not to wake you," the Sergeant said. "General Bolin asked that you find him when you were up and about. My guess is he's in Captain Rothel's office. I can have Thad here show you the way."
"Do you need any help first?" Ciara said, unable to contain a jaw-popping yawn.
The sergeant shook his head. "No. You've done wonders. I'm guessing you need a good bit of rest yourself now. But I thank you."
Ciara nodded and followed Thad from the infirmary. The sun slanted through the smoky haze that still hung over the city, casting long shadows. Early evening, then. She must have slept half the day curled in that chair. The acrid smell of smoke and charred wood stung her nose, and she rubbed it to keep back a sneeze as she followed Thad toward the low, two-story building that housed her own quarters as well as, apparently, Captain Rothel's office. Someone called to her before they reached the door, and Ciara turned to find Bolin coming from the stables. He peeled off his gloves as he walked, tucking them through his belt. It surprised Ciara to see him in full uniform. He hadn't worn the Imperial colors since Meriol's funeral. Thad snapped sharply to attention and gave him a quick salute before scampering back toward the infirmary when Bolin dismissed him.
Ciara stifled another yawn. "Sergeant Evan said you wanted to see me?"
Bolin's eyes were shadowed, his mouth a tight line. "How are you?"
"Tired and sore." She rubbed her neck. "Chairs aren't made for sleeping in."
"You should get as much rest as you can. We'll leave for Nisair tomorrow before dawn."
"So soon?"
"If everyone is up to it, yes."
"How's Nialyne?"
"Well," he said. "She took some food earlier then went back to bed."
"I should check on her."
"Ciara." Bolin took her arm as she started to turn. "We need to talk."
She bit the inside of her cheek. Memories that had been a trickle after waking were now a flood. None of them pleasant. "Do we have to? Nothing can be changed anyhow, so what's the sense in talking about it?"
"I need to understand what you've done," he said, holding her by the elbow. "And there are things I need to make clear. Besides, I've some time now, and I may not have later."
A bolt of fear shot through Ciara. "Why? Is something else wrong?"
"No, but--"
"General."
Bolin clenched his jaw and turned to see who hailed him, his fingers tightening on Ciara's arm. The soldier coming toward them hesitated.
"I'm sorry to disturb you, sir." He stopped a good arm's length away, a wary expression on his face. "Captain Rothel would like to speak with you at your earliest convenience."
"You should go if you're needed," Ciara said, and hoped he would. She didn't want to talk, not about Andrakaos, not about what had happened on the wall. Her breath caught as the image of blood pooling around Duff came back to her, and Bolin gave her a sharp look.
"Tell Captain Rothel I'll be there when I can." Bolin didn't take his eyes from Ciara's face, and she failed to keep the tears from tickling down her cheeks. He started walking, ushering her toward a far corner of the yard where a bench built around the trunk of a huge tree gave them privacy. He sat her down, sitting beside her and sliding his hand down her arm to wrap his fingers around hers.
"I was just thinking about Duff," she said, swiping at her cheeks with her free hand. "I wish I could have done something more for him."
"There was nothing anyone could have done save ease his passing," Bolin said, his voice gentle.
"I know." She took a deep, quivering breath. "But you don't want to talk about Duff. You want to know how I managed to control Andrakaos." Her voice dropped on his name. Andrakaos had been still and quiet since she'd thrown herself into the work at the infirmary. She willed him to stay that way. She didn't need him clouding her thoughts. "But I'm not sure I kno
w. Not exactly. And you don't want to hear that either. You want me to be able to tell you what I did and how I did it. All I know is we were talking--"
"That's been happening a lot lately?"
She frowned. "More than I like."
"Now?"
"No. He's...sleeping. Or whatever it is he does when he's not pestering me." She met his gaze. Bolin's eyes were clouded, but something moved beneath the surface like fish beneath the winter ice. "He's becoming more real. More substantial. He's much stronger now. I was mad at him because he said…" She forced herself not to look away. "He said he would give himself to you."
Something flickered in Bolin's eyes. A crack in the ice.
"I told him I wouldn't allow it. Then he asked me if I claimed him and I... I said yes."
Bolin stilled. The ice shattered, and Ciara saw something so foreign in his gaze she couldn't be sure of it. On anyone else she would have called it a look of terror.
The rest of her words came in a rush. "I didn't know what else to do, so I made a chain from my earth magic and bound it around him. He didn't like that."
"I wager not," Bolin said, his voice tight. "Were you aware of what he was doing on the wall after the witch left?"
"You stopped him from going after her. He wasn't happy about that either. And I know he was talking to you, but he wouldn't let me hear him." A touch of anger seeped into her tone. "He did it, didn't he? He offered himself to you just like he said he would?"
Bolin nodded.
"But you told him no." Ciara's sigh of relief died, seeping from her like her last breath because Bolin did nothing to confirm her assumption. In fact, the way in which he looked at her, the tension that radiated from him, caused her chest to tighten in a way that threatened to overwhelm her.
When he spoke his voice lacked emotion. "Had Nialyne not interfered, I'm not sure I would have."
Ciara should have been furious, instead she felt oddly disappointed. How much simpler would her life be if Bolin had accepted the offer? It would have been almost a relief to be rid of Andrakaos. "What would happen?"
He glanced at her. "What do you mean?"
"If you claimed him, if you took my power from me, what would happen?"
"I don't know that I ever want to find out," he said.
"He told me you--" Ciara closed her eyes as she remembered Andrakaos's words. He dances on the edge. Life and death, light and dark, one hand in each but neither has claimed him. Andrakaos felt dark. Would claiming him turn Bolin into something like Donovan?
"Ciara?"
She shook her head and tried to smile. "It doesn't matter." He cocked a brow at her answer, and she knew he wouldn't let it go at that. "He said you're surrounded by death and darkness. That you stand on the edge between light and dark, but that neither has claimed you."
Bolin rubbed his jaw and stared out across the yard. For a long while neither of them said anything. When Bolin spoke his voice was soft. "He'd be right I suppose. There are many kinds of power--magical, political, physical--I've lived in its midst my entire life. By virtue of my birth and rank, I've wielded more than others, and though I would like to think I have never misused it, any man who claims such is a liar. Power of any type is a seductive creature. Some fall to it. Some seek it out to use for their own purposes. Others will never even hear its call. Those I envy."
He scrubbed his palms together, studying his hands as though they were new to him. "I can't deny your power has always sung to me. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced. It's far more...alive. Donovan knew its allure, and used it against me. The damage he did--" He sucked in a breath. "It terrifies me to think what would happen if I had given in. If I gave in now. Even if you tried, I don't think you'd be able to stop me if I called it. I'm not sure anyone could. Not even Nialyne. And what I would do once I held it...
"You asked me once why I push you away." His voice wavered. "It has never been for lack of desire. I tell myself it's the difference in our years, or the demands of my life, but the truth is I question what it is that draws me."
Ciara's stomach clenched as though she'd been punched, and she failed to keep the pain from her voice. "I would hope it was me."
Numbness took over. Too many emotions warring with one another, and she didn't have the energy to face any of them, even though deep inside she wanted to do...what? Scream? Throw something? To what end?
"Why are you telling me this now?"
He scrubbed a hand over his face and leaned forward, elbows on knees, gazing off at nothing. "You have a right to know."
"I've had a right to know since the very beginning. Why is now suddenly a good time?" He didn't look at her, which only served to fan her growing anger. "Was it really coincidence? You coming to Meriol's? Or has this all been some kind of elaborate plan?"
"Trust me," he said, his voice bitter, "I would never have planned this."
"But you were looking for me?"
"We didn't know what we were looking for."
"We?"
"The awakening of your power when your mother died sent out shockwaves felt by anyone with even a whisper of magic. Few could understand the importance of it, and none knew the source, except perhaps Donovan. We guessed he may have been behind it."
"'We' again."
Bolin angled his head to look at her. "The Emperor and the Imperial Mages."
"And you?"
"I was sent to find the source."
"And?"
His jaw tensed. "Deal with it as I saw fit."
"You were sent to kill me, just like Donovan said."
"Depending what I found, there was that possibility." Flat, as though he were telling her something of no great consequence.
Her breath caught, and she lurched to her feet. "What are you doing?"
He gave her a puzzled look. "I'm telling you what you want to know."
"Why?" She glared down at him. "You're planning something. You're telling me all this for a reason, or you'd wait until we get to Nisair."
The minute flick of his eyes gave him away. Ciara shook her head. "No. Whatever it is, no. I won't allow it."
He raised a brow, and for a moment looked like the Bolin she knew so well. "I'll do what I deem necessary to get you safely to Nisair."
"And to the unholies with yourself?" That got both brows up. He started to say something, but Ciara didn't give him the chance. "Then what becomes of me when you throw yourself to the wolves on my behalf? Did you ever consider that?"
"I have a duty--"
Ciara bit back a scream. "By the Goddess, I'm so tired of hearing that. You hide behind it like...like..." She made a noise in her throat that came out as a frustrated growl. She turned and put space between them, flexing her hands at her sides. When he came up behind her she waggled her shoulders before he could reach for her. "Don't touch me." She whirled back on him and thrust a finger into his chest, grimacing when it scrunched against the mail under his tabard. "I am not your duty."
She glowered up at him, unable to read his expression which only irked her more.
"You've been spending too much time with Nialyne," he said, his tone gentle. "Regardless of what you both seem to think, I'm not all that keen on recklessly throwing my life away."
"But you won't hesitate to do so if your misguided sense of honor dictates it."
He tipped his head. "My misguided sense of honor?"
Ciara flinched at the sudden ice in his voice. "I didn't mean it like that. I just ..." She gave her head a shake. "I don't think I could handle it if I lost you, too. And it would be even worse if I was the cause."
Bolin lifted his head and looked past her. He frowned at something, and Ciara glanced over her shoulder to see Garek heading their way. The Commander caught Bolin's eye and stopped a respectful distance away, waiting.
Ciara laid a hand on Bolin's arm to pull his focus back to her. "I'm sorry. For what I just said, for every little bit of trouble I've ever caused, for everything I can possibly be sorry for. But those men who di
ed on the wall, died because of me. You can try and tell me they didn't, but we both know better. I don't want any more blood on my hands. Especially not yours. If I have to enlist Nialyne and Garek's help, I will. I'll tie you up and sling you over Sandeen's back, just as you threatened to do to me."
The corners of his mouth twitched, and Ciara thought she saw the glint of humor in his eyes. She scowled at him. "Did I say something funny?"
He shook his head and his mouth drew into a hard line but the light in his eyes remained. "Not at all." Voices across the yard drew his attention. "I have to go."
"You need to get some rest," Ciara said.
"I suspect that's why Garek has hunted me down. Seems I have no dearth of mothers these days."
"I've no desire to be your mother." Ciara reached up and brushed a kiss across his lips.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
"Why do you deny me?"
Wind whipped across the barren landscape, pushing crystals of snow before it to pepper Bolin's exposed flesh. Even in the ethereal world of dreams he couldn't escape the bitter chill clinging to the heights.
A hulking shape, barely visible behind the screen of white, settled around him.
"What do you want?" Bolin asked.
"You ask a question to which you already know the answer."
A gust of warm air coursed across Bolin's neck, chasing a shiver down his spine. "I will never claim you."
"What of the woman?"
Bolin's breath frosted the air.
"You want her. All can see it, though you would deny that as well. All your life you have bowed to the wishes of others, never taking for yourself what is your due even when it is offered. You will lose her to another."
"Why did you bring me here?" Bolin asked, his voice sharp.
"Do you fear me?"
"No."
"You fear what we would become." Andrakaos moved around him, and in the circle of his body the wind calmed, and the snow drifted down in gentle flakes. He lowered his head level with Bolin's. "There is little you can hide from us."
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