by Kayla Perrin
Her mother’s handwriting.
My dearest Tasia,
If you have this book, it means you’ve met Malcolm. I’m sure that you will find him to be as wonderful as I have. He’s kind and considerate. And let’s face it—he’s very good-looking, too. When I met him I knew that he would be right for you. Don’t ask me why. I just did. And I’m hoping that once the two of you meet after I’m gone, you will hit it off. Don’t do what you typically do, darling. Don’t run away. Don’t be afraid to love. I know you so well, even if you don’t think I do. I can imagine that you’ve developed feelings for Malcolm, and you’re trying to talk yourself out of them. If that’s what you’re feeling as you’re reading this letter now, I urge you to move forward in love, not fear.
I know you think I never had real love in my life, but I did. After your father, I found the man of my dreams. Actually, we’d dated in high school, but circumstances forced us apart. When we met again, he was married. We fought our attraction, but the truth was, he’d married out of obligation, not love. And our love was still strong. We couldn’t stop the inevitable. I know you’ll be surprised by this, but yes, I followed my heart even though I knew it was wrong in the eyes of God. I guess I just couldn’t help myself.
But timing wasn’t on our side. Though this man and I loved each other, the same sense of obligation to his wife caused us to part. He didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want to disrupt the family. And it became too painful for me. I couldn’t be in the middle or cause trauma for his kids.
Then something miraculous happened. Three years ago, we reconnected. He and his wife had finally divorced, and he came for me. At last, we could be together. But sadly, our time together was not meant to last. He had only a short time to live. He had terminal brain cancer. It was that diagnosis that made him leave his wife and seek his own happiness. He didn’t know if I would still want him, given the circumstances. But of course I did. I loved him.
We had six beautiful months together. The best months of my life. My only regret is that I didn’t marry him. Because of his children and his bitter ex-wife, we kept our relationship a secret. There was no way I wanted to add to the stress in his life. For whatever time we had left, I wanted that to be filled only with love and joy. And it was, until the awful day I lost my dear Jarvis.
Even knowing that our love wasn’t going to last forever, I wouldn’t trade my time with him. Even though it tore my heart out to lose him. Because the love I had with him was real. It spanned decades. It never died. And that, my darling, is precious.
I believe in my heart that you and Malcolm can have that precious kind of love. Call it a mother’s intuition. But you can only have it if you let yourself fall, darling. There’s nothing sweeter. I promise you that.
Mom
Tears streamed down Tasia’s face as she re-read the letter. Of all the times for her to find it. It was as though she’d been specifically guided to it tonight.
Of course she had. Her mother had led her to this page. Right now. She was giving her a swift kick in the butt from beyond.
The thought of that made Tasia laugh through her tears. As she wiped her eyes, a calm came over her. She realized now one of the things that had been bothering her. Her mother’s relationship with Jarvis.
Maybe she’d needed to hear from her mother, in her own words. She’d been contemplating trying to reach out to this man, if he was still alive, to learn more about his relationship with her mom. But her mother’s letter, even though it didn’t go into every detail, painted a vivid picture. The letter made it clear that not only had her mother truly loved Jarvis, but that she hadn’t regretted it.
The letter that Tasia’s mother had written to Jarvis to end their relationship—while making clear that her mother had loved the man—hadn’t answered the bigger question. Had she regretted giving her heart to him, only to lose him?
Now, Tasia knew without a doubt that her mother had had no regrets. Even with the passing of time. Indeed, she’d embraced Jarvis fully even though he was dying.
“Oh, Mom,” Tasia said, as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. She wished Jarvis had been in her mother’s life for so much longer than he had been. But even though he hadn’t always been in her life physically, he’d been in her heart.
Her mother’s message was clear. When you find love, embrace it. Because even if you lose it, your life is better for having had it.
“Thank you, Mom,” Tasia whispered. Her mother had been hopeful about giving her heart. She hadn’t given up. Despite the risks and the heartache, she’d continued to believe in the power of love.
Chapter 16
The next morning Tasia phoned Malcolm, but her call landed in his voice mail. She left a brief message, asking him to get back to her when he could.
Raven had hit the nail on the head when she and Tasia had talked. Tasia had tried to brush it off, but Raven had insisted that what was happening between her and Malcolm was serious.
Tasia’s rational brain had tried to talk her out of what she was experiencing, arguing that it wasn’t possible to fall for someone so quickly … But her mother’s letter had given her a new sense of clarity.
But as Tasia glanced at her phone before getting into her car to head to work, hoping she could will Malcolm’s name to start flashing on her screen, she suddenly knew that there were no rules when it came to love. There was no timetable.
And the fact that her mother had sensed Malcolm was the one for her spoke volumes.
No missed call from Malcolm while Tasia had been in the shower. No missed text.
She frowned as she started to drive.
Was she too late?
*
During a break at work, Tasia sneaked a peek at her phone. Her heart began to race when she saw that she had a missed text.
She quickly accessed her message log. Her stomach flip-flopped when she saw that the text was from Malcolm.
I THINK I HAVE A BUYER FOR YOUR HOUSE IF YOU STILL WANT TO SELL.
That’s it? That’s his message?
She began to panic. Those fifteen words rocked her to her core. After trying to convince her to keep the house, now Malcolm was trying to help her sell it?
Which meant he didn’t want to see her again.
The wave of sadness that washed over her threatened to drown her in its intensity.
“No,” she said firmly. She wasn’t going to sell the house. It had taken weeks of believing the opposite, but she knew now very clearly what she wanted. She wasn’t exactly certain how the future would pan out with Malcolm or anything else, but giving up her mother’s house in Florida was no longer an option. And not just because of Malcolm, but because of the real connection to her mother that she’d felt. A connection that had grown stronger since she’d come back to Atlanta.
Tasia called Malcolm. But the phone went to voice mail again. “Hi Malcolm, it’s Tasia. I got your text.” She exhaled a frazzled breath. “Hey, can we talk? I know I didn’t give you the opportunity when you asked before. I just … ended things. But I needed time to think, to figure things out. Malcolm, if you can call me back or text me and let me know when would be a good time to talk, I’d appreciate it.”
*
With each passing hour, Tasia felt more and more anxious. As the day wore on, there was no text or phone call from Malcolm. She hadn’t expected an instant response, but he must have heard her message by now. Why wasn’t he calling?
“Fuck,” Tasia cursed, as she cut herself chopping onions. She ran to the sink and washed and bandaged her finger, tears filling her eyes. But it wasn’t the slight injury to her hand that had her emotional. It was the reality that she’d pushed Malcolm away.
You have no one to blame but yourself.
Who was she kidding, expecting him to call? She’d treated him terribly. First, she’d left Miami so abruptly, and rejected his offer to accompany her. Then she avoided his attempts to have a real conversation about their relationship. And to top it all off, she’s sent h
im that damn breakup text.
She’d blown it, and she knew it. And she couldn’t blame Malcolm’s rejection on any inherent flaw in the male species. But she couldn’t stop being hopeful …
When late afternoon rolled around, she called him again. “I don’t know if you got my earlier message yet, but can you call me? I’d really like to talk. I know you might be wary, and I understand. I have to be in New York for the cooking competition on Tuesday. It’d be nice if we could talk before that.”
She tried to sound reasonable and mature, not as desperate as she felt. Her messages to Malcolm had been clear. Either he wanted to talk to her or he didn’t. All Tasia could do now was wait.
About an hour later, Tasia’s phone vibrated in her apron pocket. Her heart began to pound with anticipation. Malcolm?
She’d just gotten a Bistecca Tagliata to the pass through and actually had a moment to answer her phone. Stepping out the back door of the kitchen, to the delivery area behind the restaurant, she reached into her pocket. It had to be Malcolm. Raven never called her during work.
But when she pulled her phone out of her pocket and glanced at the screen, she saw that it was her brother. She frowned as she swiped to accept the call, wondering if something was wrong.
“Andrew?” she said without preamble. “Is everything okay?”
“Hey,” he replied. “Yeah, yeah. Everything’s fine.”
Their last chat hadn’t been positive, and Andrew never called her when she was at work. In fact, much of their communication was via text and email these days. “Are you sure?” she asked him.
There was a pause. “Actually, no. Everything’s not okay.”
Tasia’s chest tightened. She’d just lost her mother. No matter how strained her relationship was with Andrew, she didn’t want to lose him, too. “What’s wrong?”
“Me,” Andrew said. He blew out a frazzled breath. “I’ve been a jerk to you.”
For a moment, Tasia was flummoxed. So much so that she couldn’t speak.
“I wasn’t there for you when you needed me,” Andrew went on. “When Mom needed me. And I’m sorry for that.”
“Well, I appreciate that,” she told him. “I did need you. Mom was sick … dying … and we both needed you.”
“I know,” he said. “And I feel awful about it. I guess I just couldn’t face the truth that Mom was dying. Maybe I thought if I ignored it, the reality would just go away.”
“It wasn’t just Mom dying,” Tasia said. “You bailed on me afterward. You left me to deal with her house on my own. You acted as though Karlene would fall apart if she had to live without you for a few days.”
“Well, she’s going to have to,” Andrew said. “That’s also why I’m calling. I’m going to clear my schedule for next week and come down and help with the house. If that works for you.”
“And Karlene’s okay with that?”
“Karlene doesn’t rule me,” he said. “I know you think otherwise,” he went on before Tasia could say anything. “And yeah, I’ve put her wishes and demands over my family in the past. But losing Mom … it hit me that life is short. And I need you in my life. I miss you. I can’t let time and distance come between us the way it did with Mom. I’ll live with that regret for the rest of my life.”
Andrew sounded like a whole new person. “At least you made it to see Mom before she passed,” Tasia said. “That meant so much to her.”
“Yeah,” Andrew said softly.
Tasia could hear the emotion in his voice.
“I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long,” he went on. “I guess I saw Miami as the source of so much unhappiness. Dad left, Mom was sad … I wanted to put Miami in my rearview mirror.”
“I know,” Tasia said. “That’s why I came to Atlanta.”
“I think I also blamed Mom for pushing Dad away. I was a boy and I needed my father. It was easier to blame Mom than accept that Dad was selfish and did us wrong. But since her death, I see things more clearly. I had a long talk with Dad. I had it out with him, actually. I didn’t realize until now how much I’d bottled up inside, and why I’d distanced myself from the family for so long. I thought having my own family would fill a void in my life, make the pain from the past a distant memory, but it didn’t. And now that Mom’s gone … it kills me to think I added to her unhappiness.”
Tasia’s eyes misted. This call was so out of the blue, but completely welcome. Especially with the stress she was feeling over Malcolm. Being able to reconnect with her brother meant the world to her right now.
Maybe Tasia would tell her brother about their mother’s secret love. Perhaps when she saw him, and they really had time to talk. It might do him good to know that their mom hadn’t been as sad and lonely as they’d believed.
“I need you in my life, Tasia. I’m done running.”
“Oh, Andrew. I’m so glad you called.” Tasia walked back toward the restaurant door, then halted before stepping back inside. “I’m at work so I’ll have to talk to you later, but this call means so much to me. And I want you to know that you don’t have to come down to help me deal with the house. I’ve decided not to sell it. If that’s okay with you. I think … I think we ought to keep it. Hold on to that piece of Mom, and our history. Sure we had unhappy times there, but we also had happy times. Didn’t we?”
“We did.” Andrew chuckled. “All those Saturday nights when Mom would put on Sam Cooke and we’d dance like fools.”
“That’s right.” Tasia laughed. “Oh God, those were fun times.”
“I know you have to go, but yeah, keeping the house is okay with me. And I’d still like to come down next week. Spend a few days there with you, if that works with your schedule. We can reminisce, remember Mom.”
Tasia glanced up at the starry sky. Their mom must be behind this, pulling strings to bring her and Andrew together. “Mom would like that,” she said. “But it can’t be next week. I’m going to New York for a cooking competition.” She quickly told him about the show.
“You’re kidding?”
“I’m pretty excited about it. It’s been a dream for a long time.”
“Awesome. That means when we do get together, we’ll have something to celebrate. Your win.”
“From your lips to God’s ears.”
“I’ll be in touch next week so we can figure out a time that’ll work for both of us.”
Tasia walked back into the restaurant, and gestured to Kristina, letting her know she’d be there in a second. “Sounds like a plan. And now I really do have to go. Talk to you soon, okay?”
“I love you, sis,” Andrew said, surprising her.
Tasia sucked in a breath, full of emotion. “Oh, Andrew. I love you, too.”
*
Andrew’s call brightened Tasia’s mood substantially, and provided her a diversion from thinking about Malcolm. It was only once she was home and in bed that she started to stress out again. She’d expected that sometime during the evening he would call or respond to her text, but he hadn’t. And how weird was that, especially since he had reached out to her to tell her that he had someone who might be interested in buying her house.
The next day there was no call or text. She felt worse than ever. She knew without a doubt that she loved him. The anguish she felt over the reality that she’d blown her chances with him was overwhelming. More intense than any failed relationship from her past.
Because in her heart she knew that she’d ruined the best thing to ever happen to her.
*
Tasia sighed as she looked out her hotel room window and down onto Times Square. Monday had arrived all too soon and it had been a mad scramble for her to make her flight. Here she was in one of the most vibrant cities in the world, and just a day away from her biggest adventure ever, and she was miserable. But it was her own damn fault. She’d treated Malcolm so badly, and he’d been nothing but wonderful to her from the first moment they’d met. Not only that, but he’d been a Godsend to her mother. For that alone, she ow
ed him so much more.
“What did you expect?” she asked herself. She had done this. She had effectively cut him out of her life by stalling and avoiding him, and then the ultimate breakup text which had been so bloody impersonal. Of course, he no longer wanted anything to do with her. To him, she must seem like an emotional nutcase. She was a hot mess, and she knew it.
She realized she couldn’t expect better, and yet emotionally, she couldn’t let go. Though it was pretty clear she wasn’t going to have much choice in the matter. If Malcolm wouldn’t talk to her, she would have to accept it. She shook her head at her own folly. Easier said than done.
Tasia did a little sightseeing and shopping, trying not to worry about the dishes she would make for the competition. She wanted to feel as relaxed as possible so that she would do her best. She’d spent the last few days trying out her mother’s various recipes to inspire her and decided that she would make her mother’s peach crème brûlée for the dessert round. It was, quite simply, phenomenal. Her mother had been so talented, and now she was going to showcase that talent by using one of her recipes. She was looking forward to that.
“You’ll do great,” Raven told her that evening on the phone. “I know you’ll win.”
“I hope so,” Tasia said.
“No word from Malcolm?” Raven asked. “Sorry, I didn’t want to bring him up if you didn’t, but I don’t want you to feel down about him before the competition. Maybe it’s gonna take a bit more time for him to come around. And if he doesn’t … then he’s not the man for you.”
A lump formed in Tasia’s throat, and she swallowed. “No, I haven’t heard from him. And no, I don’t want to think about him right now. I want to clear my mind of any negativity.”
Tasia went to bed early that night, but hardly slept a wink. She was anxious about the competition. And she was anxious about Malcolm. Putting him out of her mind was impossible.