by Helen Dewitt
What Renée realized was that exactly the same thing applied to the country as a whole. It was set up from scratch by people who managed to overlook minor details like slavery and a whole sex. Naturally enough, with that level of glaring oversight to fix, it was easy for people to overlook the faults that remained. Because the thing is, we grow up with the laws we’ve got, and we assume they’re right because they’re what we’re used to. What we don’t realize is that some of those laws were written by people like Joe, and the rest were written by people trying to clean up after people like Joe. That’s why they leave a lot to be desired.
What Renée realized was that the more important something is, the less likely people are to fix mistakes. They’re going to assume that if it’s that important, somebody must have known what they were doing. Or they’re going to assume that anything seriously wrong would have been fixed after all this time. They’re not going to realize that the people who set it up didn’t know what they were doing 98.2% of the time. They’re not going to realize that the people who fixed it were just trying to bring it into line with an acceptable, 50% level of cluelessness. So if something leaves a lot to be desired, it’s up to you to do something about it. Because if you don’t, you know one thing for sure: nobody else is going to.
That simple piece of knowledge gave Renée the determination that carried her all the way to the Supreme Court. Pas mal.
And in addition to letting her in on the big secret, Lightning Rods also gave her the opportunity to put that newfound knowledge into practice.
Joe would have been the first to admit that Renée was a real asset to the firm. In fact, he had to mentally retract all the harsh things he had thought about the Equal Employment Opportunities Act. Because the fact was, his first impulse had been to take the easy way out and tell the applicant to go elsewhere. It was only because he had been legally obligated to come up with a solution that he had gone to the trouble and expense of introducing PVC.
As it turned out, the PVC alone was a real improvement on the product. It solved the perennial problem of inappropriate urination. It enhanced the enjoyment of most participants in the program. Also, he had hired a truly exceptional applicant. And if it hadn’t been for the Equal Employment Opportunities Act all that talent would have been squandered.
The only thing was, Renée seemed to be even more demanding than Lucille. Not a day passed without Renée calling up to make comments and recommendations. Usually when a lightning rod made a suggestion Joe would promise to make a note of it and give the matter careful consideration. He tried this once with Renée.
“And when can I expect to see some action taken?”
“Uh, I can’t really say before I’ve had a chance to think about it in greater depth,” said Joe.
“When do you expect to have a chance to think about it? Tonight? Tomorrow?”
“Uh . . . ”
“I’ll give you a call tomorrow afternoon. I don’t see any reason why this shouldn’t be resolved by next week.”
Joe had never realized that a crème-de-la-crème PA had so much in common with a bulldozer.
He had then tried his other tried-and-true response, which was to explain that the suggestion could not be implemented on the software in its present form, but that he would do everything in his power to integrate it into the software the next time he updated the program.
“And when will that be?”
“Uh . . . I’m not sure. I’ve got a lot of commitments, so I’m not exactly sure when I’ll be able to get around to this. But I’ll certainly do it just as soon as I’ve got a moment to spare, I can assure you of—”
“Do you mean to say that you do the programming yourself?”
The fact was that Joe was too embarrassed to hand it over to a computer expert, who would be bound to look at what had been done so far and sneer.
“I prefer it that way,” said Joe. “I developed the product, and it works best if enhancements are introduced by someone who knows it inside out.”
“Well, there’s something to be said for that, of course, but this is pretty urgent. Can’t you just do it this weekend?”
“I don’t think this is something that can be done in a weekend,” Joe said firmly. “It’s pretty complicated stuff.”
“Really? It looks pretty straightforward to me. What language are you using?”
“Just English for the time being,” said Joe. “We don’t really have enough Hispanic clients at this stage to justify bringing it out in Spanish. Though obviously, should the need arise, Lightning Rods will be ready and willing to meet that challenge.”
There was a short silence.
“I mean what programming language are you using,” said Renée.
“Oh. Oh, right,” said Joe. He mentioned the name of the program.
“Then it shouldn’t be a problem. I’m familiar with the basics, anyway. I’ll come in this weekend and deal with it. I’ll expect to be paid overtime, obviously.”
“Uh . . . ”
“Fifty dollars an hour. Anything else I need to know? Good, then that’s that taken care of.”
After that Joe just gave up and allowed himself to be bulldozed over on a daily basis until the system met Renée’s exacting requirements. It cost him about $5,000 in overtime for all the programming. But when the dust settled he realized it had actually been worth it. It was like getting the Princess and the Pea to design a mattress. Once Renée had smoothed out all the little wrinkles in the system that bothered her, the final result was something that made the whole spectrum of lightning rods happier. Phone calls to the office dropped right down. Joe even began wondering whether he really needed that counsellor.
Unfortunately one of Renée’s innovations, while invaluable in itself, was to have far-reaching and dangerous repercussions.
Renée was irritated from the first day by the unprofessional approach of her fellow lightning rods. For one thing, there was a stash of magazines in the HFC. For another, twice in one week she came in and found someone’s PVC just lying on the floor where somebody had just left it instead of disposing of it properly. For another, nobody seemed to worry all that much about the anonymity which was supposed to be an integral part of the program. She was only 20 pages into Du côté de chez Swann when she spotted her first other lightning rod. By page 40, she could identify no fewer than 10.
One of the main reasons seemed to be that many of the lightning rods should never have been hired in the first place. Instead of managing their time so that their minds were otherwise occupied they seemed to dwell on the physical aspects of the job in a way that was bound to lead to trouble. Sooner or later they’d get depressed, feel a need to confide in someone. They’d bottle it up inside, see someone coming out of the HFC, jump to conclusions, assume it was another lightning rod, feel the urge to come out. Well, if they had to talk about it the last people they should be talking to were people in their own company.
Renée tried to get Joe to do something about it, and Joe just tried to avoid the issue.
At last she’d had enough. “Look, Joe,” she said firmly after Joe had avoided the issue for about five minutes. “This is completely unacceptable. You can’t tell me your clients wanted this kind of working environment. You promised them complete anonymity at every level; well, right now anonymity is as full of holes as a Swiss cheese. Clearly members of the program need more support from the company than they’re currently getting.”
Joe tried to interrupt but Renée proceeded implacably on. “Now, in my last job, as PA to the Senior Vice President, I also oversaw an in-house online network for support staff. Staff could raise any problems they were experiencing in a forum where other members of staff could respond; at the same time, if I saw any issues related to performance that needed addressing, I could raise those issues at an early stage. There’s absolutely no reason why something similar should not be put in place for the entire lightning rod network. Since I’ve had experience of setting up and running something like
this in the past, I’m prepared to take this on—design the software, organize installation and supervise the network. My guess is that most difficulties can be resolved internally; anything we can’t deal with can be referred to the parent organization.”
“Uh . . . ”
“I’ll want another $15,000 a year on top of what I’m getting now. At the end of the first year I’ll let you know if that needs to be revised upward.”
“Uh . . . ”
“Good, then that’s settled.”
Renée set up the network. She introduced a magazine compartment within the transporter. She laid down the law on such matters as correct disposal of skirts and PVC cladding. She gave the lightning rods a forum in which to air their views. And every so often she would offer tips of her own.
If Renée had stuck to advising people to learn a language in their spare time, Joe could have gone on sleeping the sleep of the just. But one day, when Renée was nearly halfway through Du côté de chez Swann, the question came up of the effect of the job on people’s relationships. Many lightning rods said that the job made them less interested in sex outside work, and that it sometimes had a negative effect on their relationships. One said her boyfriend was always complaining, because he worked in the same company and he knew she wasn’t working that hard so he couldn’t see why she was always tired.
Renée pointed out that if her boyfriend worked in the same company, the company was providing an outlet for his needs. There was absolutely no reason for his girlfriend to feel guilty. Renée had meant to be supportive, but it generated a lot of controversy, because the lightning rod said if she thought her boyfriend was using the facility she would never be able to think of him the same way again.
As it happened, Elaine sometimes checked out the network, and she thought the network facilitator had made a good point.
In fact, it made Elaine see her work as a lightning rod in a whole new light.
What Elaine thought was that a lot of men in relationships were probably using the facility, and if you thought about it just having that facility could make a relationship stronger than it otherwise would be. One of the things that can put a strain on a relationship, after all, is the fact that men tend to equate a relationship with sex on demand. Well, if they can actually have that sex on demand in the workplace, it stands to reason they should be able to keep that demand under control in other contexts. It stands to reason that the relationship is less likely to be damaged by demands for sex at inappropriate times and in inappropriate contexts. It stands to reason that the relationship will stand a better chance of success.
The point made a big impression on Elaine. And having made an impression on Elaine, it also had an impact on Ed Wilson.
DEPRIVATION
As a frequent flier, Ed was well placed to notice new developments in the lightning rod installations. When PVC was introduced he was not unappreciative. But the fact was, his impromptu date with Elaine had reminded him of just how much of a woman there is above the waist. The more he used the lightning rods, the more he kept remembering how much he was missing.
After that first excursion to Rodeo Bill’s Ed had started inviting Elaine out on a fairly regular basis. For some reason, though, he never seemed to get any closer to making contact. Elaine refused to go out without Hayley on school nights. She refused to stay out late on school nights because Hayley had to do her homework. She refused to let him unbutton one single button in case Hayley came in with a question about her homework.
The fact was that Elaine had given a lot of thought to the discussion on the lightning rod network. And the way Elaine saw it was, providing sexual release for people was part of her job. When she left the office she was off duty, and she could do what she damn well liked. Usually, of course, if she went out with someone for a few weeks, she might start to feel like she should do something, because she would be aware that he was probably getting frustrated. But why should she feel guilty about someone who was already getting an outlet at the office? If someone can get hot meals at the canteen, why the hell should his girlfriend have to cook? Especially if she happens to actually work in the canteen? Besides. Men come and go, but if things go wrong with your kid you can’t just trade in and trade up. No kid wants to worry about coming downstairs in case some guy is getting hands-on experience of her mother’s Wonderbra.
The result was that Ed was getting more frustrated than he would have believed was possible for someone who was using the lightning rods five or six times a day.
Sometimes Ed, Elaine, and Hayley would drive out in the Lamborghini while Ed discovered just how much can be taken in by peripheral vision if a D-cup is lurking in the periphery. Sometimes they would go back to the house and play Scrabble, and Ed would just leave the board to peripheral vision the better to savor the full agony of strictly hands-off experience of a Wonderbra.
Hayley, meanwhile, was gradually accumulating a whole roomful of complete sets of special offers. Every time they went to a fast food outlet Ed would compulsively buy however many meals it took to collect the whole set of whatever it was that happened to be the special offer. It wasn’t too bad if you could pick the remaining, missing parts of the set each time you bought a meal; where it got embarrassing was with the kind of deal where the prize just came in a sealed wrapper that you opened later. Ed would just keep buying meals until the prize turned up. No matter how long it took. They once sat in a Lucky Leprechaun for five hours because they only had four out of a possible five lucky toadstools, free with every purchase of a Magic Meal (just $2.95 with medium-sized drink and medium fries).
One hour to eat the first three Magic Meals, open their wrappers and find they had two out of five toadstools.
Half an hour buying and throwing away another twenty Magic Meals to get a third toadstool.
Half an hour buying and throwing away another thirty Magic Meals to get up to four.
Then Elaine put her foot down. People were starving. It was obscene to be throwing away food like that just to collect a Goddamn lucky toadstool. If Ed wanted to go through with this he could prepurchase however many Magic Meals it took and then eat the meals later.
Three hours of prepurchasing five hundred Magic Meals and going through five hundred wrappers to come up with the fifth and final lucky toadstool.
They never did eat all those prepurchased meals, because Hayley said just the thought of a Magic Meal made her want to puke, and Ed said he felt the same way so he’d just give them to the homeless. So at the time it looked like nearly $1,500 had been thrown away on a stupid plastic toadstool. Which just shows how shortsighted we can be. It turned out that only twenty of that fifth toadstool had ever been made, so that a complete set of lucky toadstools was incredibly rare. Within ten years it was worth $50,000—and that was just one of the complete sets Ed picked up for her when she was ten.
Years later, when Hayley was a millionaire, people used to think the way she got started was through her connections. It was having a stepfather who was a multi-billionaire that made the difference. What Hayley would say was that Ed did two things for her. The first was, he gave her a lot of stuff that got caught up in the collectability craze, so that all those complete sets represented a large capital amount when she was in her early twenties. The second was, he taught her that if you want something, you should just give it everything you’ve got. Don’t worry about looking dumb; don’t worry about what other people will think; just go for it.
What Ed would say was: “She’s a sweet kid.”
What he would think was that he would never have been crazy enough to buy 553 Magic Meals if he hadn’t have been in a state of advanced tit deprivation.
In later years, of course, features were standard which in the early days would have seemed inconceivable luxuries. Today a heater is standard in all cars. Time was when people would heat up a brick in the oven and wrap it in a towel. Today we take car radios for granted; well, the time is still within living memory when, if you wanted a radio in th
e car, you had to take it out of your living room and put it on the front seat. In the same way, users of the early lightning rods could not have imagined that one day a video panel at eye level would be standard; the idea that you would one day be able to choose between seeing the back and head of a virtual partner, or just getting an eyeful of breasts ranging from mango to melon, would have seemed unthinkable. In the early days users were expected to look after themselves. Soon the Men’s HFC had its own stash of magazines. Then Joe had the bright idea of providing the magazines, because he could get a good deal on bulk orders, and keeping them in a concealed compartment. He tried it out in Kansas City and when it proved popular he made it standard in all his installations, and that, if you can believe it, was what passed for high concept in 2000.
Whether a more sophisticated product would have made life easier for Ed Wilson will never be known. As it was, precisely because Ed Wilson was using the product so much more regularly than most clients, he was one of the first to become dissatisfied with its shortcomings. There comes a time when screwing someone from behind with nothing to look at but the wall gets stale; there comes a time when even screwing someone from behind while reading a magazine does more harm than good. All the magazine does is make you aware of all the features that are inaccessible because there’s a wall in the way.
Studies on the baboon in captivity have shown that primates in captivity take out their frustration on each other. Ed Wilson chose to take out his frustration on Roy.
From the point of view of Lightning Rods, he could not have chosen worse.