by Helen Dewitt
“Now the way I see it,” said Walter, “is that by incorporating anonymity into your program you have actually stumbled on a feature that could make it very very helpful to men in authority. The whole worry about who someone has been involved with and what she might say would wither away. Because the thing is, the problem isn’t somebody knowing what the guy has been up to—in the interests of national security, the Bureau has got to be kept apprised at all times. The problem is there’s been no way to keep the girl from knowing.”
Walter gave a world-weary smile. “Now don’t get me wrong, Joe, but I think we can both agree that the product is not up there with Marilyn Monroe. But times, as I say, have changed. I think our leaders today recognize that they can’t expect the same liberties people in their position could avail themselves of twenty or thirty years ago. I think the advantages of the program will make it very very attractive. And if we can work together to put something in place that deals with this issue effectively, I can guarantee you we’ll find a way to get around the various statutes you are currently in violation of.”
The fact is that every FBI agent looks back wistfully to the rapport between J. Edgar Hoover and the Oval Office. Ideally, the FBI should maintain that record of achievement. In fact ideally the FBI would establish that level of rapport with the incumbents of every public office at the state as well as national level. And it would be even more ideal if the FBI could have that kind of rapport with everyone in the country.
Now as soon as Walter started investigating Lightning Rods it had occurred to him that that ideal was nowhere near as unattainable as it had seemed heretofore. If the FBI had input into an innovative employment agency of this nature it would be bound to raise its levels of rapport to heights hitherto undreamed of. And of course there were all kinds of ways the Bureau could help to broaden the client base in directions where rapport had top priority.
Joe hesitated. In a way he was being offered an easy way out. With the FBI on his side he could stop worrying about the law. Or rather, to be accurate, he could go on not worrying about the law, safe in the knowledge that the FBI had everything under control. And I don’t care what kind of hot shot you’ve got as a lawyer, no matter what you’re paying he’s never going to match that kind of guarantee.
On the other hand, he was used to running his own show. If he let the FBI in, they might well end up making a lot of demands that he would be in no position to refuse. Already Walter was talking offhandedly about doing away with something that was absolutely essential to the integrity of the firm: the anonymity that Joe had guaranteed both clients and staff. Now of course, it hadn’t been possible to get things up and running without explaining the nature of the service to potential users—but knowing who the service has been offered to and knowing who actually uses it are two very different things. The computer generated opportunities and made them available to participants, who could accept or decline as they saw fit. Neither Joe nor anyone else knew what participants chose to do—no one knew except the actual participant himself.
On the other hand again, how much choice did he actually have?
“Something you got a problem with?” said Walter. An FBI agent has to know when a show of force will be effective, and when to give someone a little space. If you’re trying to get someone to cooperate with the Bureau on a long-term basis, it’s usually better if they feel they’ve made the choice of their own free will.
“It’s just,” said Joe.
“Just what?” said Walter. “Remember, I’m here to help you. The Bureau thinks you’re doing some very important work, Joe. The thing is, though, that you’ve cut a lot of corners. A free society is only possible if everyone in it plays by the rules. People can’t be allowed to treat the law with contempt, Joe. That’s where the FBI comes in.”
“It’s just that anonymity really is essential to the product,” said Joe. “People who make use of the product are placing their trust in Lightning Rods. They’re relying on Lightning Rods to protect their anonymity. After all, if they wanted they could always get satisfaction elsewhere. Anonymity is our key selling point. If we take away that anonymity in my view we’d be cheating the client. And that’s not how I do business.”
“I’m glad you brought that up, Joe” said Walter. “It’s important to get these things out in the open. We can’t afford to have any misunderstandings if we’re going to be working together.”
Joe didn’t like the sound of this. He signaled to Stan for another couple of Buds.
“I’ll tell you how I see it, Joe,” said Walter. “I can see a place for anonymity in the private sector, unless, obviously, an individual in the private sector was giving cause for concern. In which case obviously we’d want to keep track of his movements. But in the public sector a different set of rules apply. The thing is, though, let’s not get obsessed with a single issue. Let me explain where I think you can make a real contribution, and see how it grabs you.”
“OK, shoot,” said Joe. He remembered suddenly that he was speaking to someone who carried firearms. “Let me rephrase that,” said Joe.
Walter laughed. “That’s all right, Joe. We’re trained to only resort to violence as a last resort. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. You’re in safe hands.”
Joe gave a half-hearted smile.
“Let me explain where I’m coming from,” said Walter. “The thing is, Joe, you don’t understand what it’s like for people in public office. I’m not just talking about the ones who make the headlines—the ones with strong sexual urges beyond their control. In some ways those are the least of our worries. The fact is, anyone in that kind of position is under constant pressure. They go into office thinking they’ll be in a position of power, and what they discover is that they’re constantly having to appease people. The ones we at the FBI really worry about are the ones who just repress it. You don’t know when, or how, they’re going to blow. Now as I see it, a service such as yours could provide a safety valve for people who could otherwise do a lot of damage—without making them vulnerable to unscrupulous people who would take advantage of their need for a safety valve.”
“I’m sure it would do all that and more,” said Joe. “My point was just that I’m not comfortable with introducing the element of surveillance—”
“What I’m saying,” said Walter, “is that in the circumstances of the public sector anonymity is not viable. Appropriate monitoring is indispensable. What I want you to ask yourself, though, is whether the greater good achieved, by making the service available to these vulnerable individuals, wouldn’t outweigh the sacrifice of this particular feature of the product.”
Joe sighed.
“I see what you’re saying, Walter,” he said. “But this really is a radical departure from the Lightning Rods philosophy as I understand it.”
“I understand that, Joe,” said Walter. “But the thing you have to remember is, as things stand, legally you could be closed down tomorrow. Maintaining the service in its present form is not really an option at this present time.”
Joe finished off his Bud and put down the can.
“The thing to remember,” said Walter, “is that the Bureau would identify suitable venues for installations. We would provide a range of locations that you, as a private businessman, would have difficulty accessing.”
A good FBI agent knows when his words have struck home. Walter could tell that the subject was beginning to lean in his direction.
“That’s why I’m saying, you should try to avoid getting obsessed with a single issue,” he said persuasively. “Essentially, we’re offering you the chance to stop worrying about the legalities and develop the product to its full potential.”
There comes a time when you have to recognize that you can’t always do things exactly according to plan. Like it or not, Joe was beginning to accept that this was one of those times. And compared with serving several concurrent life sentences the offer was not unattractive.
“This is a rare oppo
rtunity for you to serve your country and make a profit at the same time,” said Walter.
“You’re on,” said Joe. “And you know, Walter, it’s really not as bad as it looks.”
“Oh really?” said Walter. “How do you figure that?”
“Well, at least I’m not in violation of the Equal Employment Opportunities Act.”
DOING GOOD BY DOING GOOD
Joe was not entirely comfortable with allowing the FBI access to what had previously been strictly confidential information. For about a month, in fact, he found himself going home early and spending time on fantasies that a successful businessman usually doesn’t feel the need for. A successful businessman does not usually need to revisit The Adventures of Superdick, however much they may have thrilled him in seventh grade. He does not need to solace himself with a story about a sexually demented superhero, drugged by an evil genius, and the superhuman sexual powers of a 13-inch Kryptonite-powered dick. But for some reason none of the more sophisticated fantasies which Joe had developed over the years seemed to help.
After a while, however, Joe began to see that there had been more than a grain of truth in what Walter had said. He began to see that Lightning Rods and the FBI were able to achieve a synergy that produced results.
Joe worked closely with Walter on introducing lightning rods to the public sector, and he could see for himself that in many cases it made all the difference to someone who, albeit sexually indiscreet, was in other respects the better candidate. One timely installation had worked wonders for a candidate whose two previous campaigns had been marred by mud-slinging of the worst kind. The candidate had pledged to clean up three dead rivers, a project Joe felt strongly about, and for once he was able to keep his campaign focused on the issues rather than on unsavory personal details. When it came to the issues it was no contest, and he won hands down. So that was something to feel good about.
Also, Joe was able to go major league on height-friendly facilities in a way he wouldn’t have been able to, on his own, for years. If ever. He had installations in forty-nine state capitals, not to mention DC and NYC. The important thing was not just the actual number of buildings involved; it was what it symbolized. Something like this sent a message to people. An elected government should represent all its citizens. If it forgets about the little guy, something has gone badly wrong.
So Joe tried not to think about what the FBI might be up to, and just focus on the positive. The way he saw it was, what you do when you grow up isn’t always what you imagined as a kid. When you’re a kid you always think you’re going to be an astronaut, or a quarterback, or something like that; you can’t understand why so many grown-ups spend their lives doing boring things like selling vacuum cleaners. When you grow up there are some financial facts you have to face. Sure. But you also recognize that there are different ways of making a contribution. Nobody ever dreams of growing up and going into sewage disposal—and yet we would all be dying of horrible diseases if someone didn’t make a career of doing just that. Well, Joe had found a way of cleaning up the world in an area that was just as important. And in the process he had also found a way of making the world a more welcoming place for people who had happened to be born short through no fault of their own.
Sometimes, when he was feeling uneasy, he would think of Ian, still back in KC (as the natives call it) reading about John Foster Dulles. Unless some new hero had supplanted JFD. The thing Joe would think was that he had come across Ian for the briefest of encounters and then gone on his way. But Ian just went on being short, day in, day out; it was something the guy had to live with on a daily basis. And the main thing the guy had to live with was people going around stereotyping him as short. Which, if you think about it, is pretty stupid. Joe was 5 feet 10 inches tall. When he was feeling lonely, did he go around looking for other people the same height because they’d be sure to have a lot in common? No, he did not. And it wasn’t just some little idiosyncratic eccentricity of Joe’s, either. Nobody goes around looking for someone their height to make friends with. Because having the same height in common with somebody else is about the least interesting thing you can have in common. Well, if how tall you are kicks in as a significant fact below a certain height, and if it gives you something in common with other people that height, it doesn’t take a genius to see that height is not the operative factor. It’s other people’s perception of that height.
The way Joe saw it was, you can’t do much about people’s perceptions. But at least other disadvantaged groups get some perks to go with it. Well, when was the last time you heard of someone being hired as the token dwarf? Never, that’s when.
Joe could only stand by while Walter did his best to promote rapport between the Bureau and candidates for political office. But when it came to installing appropriate facilities it was another matter. In fact, as soon as Walter had outlined the new opportunities that would arise, Joe had thought through the nature of the facilities from scratch. This was a chance to make an impact that would not come again.
If you’re an ideas man you don’t just stop having ideas because cash flow is not a problem. You go right on having new ideas, and when you have an idea you want to see that idea in action. One of Joe’s ideas was an idea for height-friendly ATMs. You could have a screen and keypad that could slide up and down the wall according to preference, and not one but two potential slots for the card and the cash. You could have some kind of gadget that would automatically adjust the screen depending on which slot you put the card in, though it would probably take some pretty fancy programming. Or you could just have some kind of manual device, a button or a handle of something, and the user could select the appropriate cash slot from a menu. Unfortunately he hadn’t been able to think of a way to justify it to the client.
What Joe now decided was that he was going to just put his foot down. He wasn’t even going to argue with people. He was going to just go right ahead and let the chips fall where they may. If you have height-friendly ATMs and toilets in government buildings that sends a message to the business community. They may choose to ignore that message. But at least they can’t say you didn’t send up the smoke signals.
That was how Joe made the best of things. He was getting involved in politics, after all, and people who get mixed up in politics soon discover they can’t have everything exactly the way they want it. All they can do is try to achieve some good in the areas where their hands aren’t tied—because they sure can’t do a heck of a lot where their hands are tied. And they’re bound to be tied some of the time. That was what Joe discovered working with Walter. An uncomfortable discovery in many ways, but he had to make the best of it.
Walter, on the other hand, felt pretty damn good about the way things were going. In the first place, he was serving his country to the best of his ability. In the second place, the new development was doing his career no harm at all. And in the third place he had the satisfaction of seeing the FBI strike a definitive blow against one of its oldest and deadliest enemies.
When Walter had joined the FBI its energies had been divided. Communism was still a threat to national security, and taken seriously as such. Also, the war on drugs took its toll. Not to mention organized crime. There simply wasn’t the manpower to take on the CIA, and the FBI was to pay the price for that understaffing. While the FBI’s attention was otherwise engaged the Agency’s sphere of influence grew by leaps and bounds. Of course, in some ways the CIA was its own worst enemy—even just reading the papers you could tell it was just one balls-up after another, and the papers didn’t report half of what those clowns got up to. You might well think it was only a matter of time before operations were handed over to an organization that knew what it was doing. Unfortunately it didn’t work that way.
Well, what comes around goes around. If the lightning rod level of surveillance, with the level of control it implied, became a reality, the FBI would at last be able to control one of the greatest existing threats to national security.
&n
bsp; 8.
The Future Is Ours
COMPETITION
Joe’s synergy with the FBI was a major factor in extending the operations of Lightning Rods. Ironically, however, the thing that kicked Lightning Rods into a whole different ball park was that Joe suddenly started facing competition.
In the early days Joe had gone out of his way to underline the difference between a lightning rod installation and prostitution. Because the concept was so new prostitution was the first thing people thought of, and a lot of groundwork had to be done to enable people to understand the distinction between the two categories.
In fact, of course, as it turned out, some of the most effective lightning rods had had careers in the more traditional branches of commercial sex. For some reason it was easier for someone with that kind of background to pick up a few office skills and move over to lightning rod work, than for someone with an office background to expand her repertoire the other way.
In retrospect, maybe that wasn’t so surprising. Women who made the move across from, say, secretarial work were making a lot more money than they were used to, but they also had to get used to working conditions that presented a whole new range of challenges. Women who came the other way tended to see things differently. In some cases, they might actually see their take-home pay go down. Others might find they’d only achieved parity. And they might well find they were working longer hours to achieve that parity. What they were looking for, in other words, was not primarily a big financial pay-off. What they were looking for tended to be closer to all the things Joe had initially outlined as the main attractions of the job.
As one woman later explained, she had originally started out with an escort agency because the money was good; then she had built up her own clientele and the money was even better. But there’s something about that whole lifestyle that gets you into the habit of spending everything as soon as it comes in, or even before—at one point she had owed something like $30,000 on her credit cards. You keep meaning to save, but you never do, and every once in a while you wake up and look in the mirror and you look like shit and you realize the money is going to keep going out but sooner or later it’s going to stop coming in. Trouble is, it can be quite hard to find some other line of work that pays enough to make it even conceivable.