I push away from him. “We had our time. It’s over now.”
“Alex, please-”
“Not again, Hawk. I can’t let anybody in ever again. You should go.”
He looks at me and I want nothing more than to spread my robe open and crawl on top of him. I want him above me, inside me.
He opens the window and carefully crawls out, planting his feet on the moldings that run under the windows, testing his weight before he swings out and grabs something. He puts one foot on the sill of my window and starts to climb up.
“Alex,” He says.
“Just go.”
“I love you.”
He rises up out of view and disappears, and I close the window, fall on my bed, and sob.
Hawk
Now
I crawl back into my room.
I had my pick of the third floor, I guess, so I took this one. It was my mother’s sewing room. The only concession to her presence is the old sewing machine. For the most part it’s just another spare bedroom, no different from the others. When I left, this place was full of her.
Pictures on the wall. Her sewing projects stacked up on the bed. Plastic cabinets full of surprises. Sewing for her was no idle thing, she made most of her own clothes and some of mine. The whole house is like this now. It hit me when I walked in. All the pictures of her are gone, all of the things she brought to our home are gone. She’s been erased.
I left a generous tip for the motel lady, even though she never cleaned my room. I walked here after I returned the Mustang. I’ve got nothing but the clothes on my back and in my bag, half that store bought when I arrived here. I sink into the bed and think about Alex below me. I can see her in my mind’s eye as clearly as if she lay here now, curled up on the bed.
I should go back down there.
The hurt in her voice slices through me like a knife; thinking about it now is like conjuring the memory of an old injury, feeling it’s pain again. My hands start to shake. This is how it begins. I think of my father down there in his office, scribbling some note with a fountain pen. I should just walk in there, grab it out of his hand, and jam the point into his eye and push until he stops moving. It would be that simple.
I’d go to prison but it wouldn’t matter. Alex would be free.
Except, that’s what I believed the last time. I was setting her free.
My father is a monster, yes, but to do that to her? Even he had to have a reason. I need to find out what that is. I need to convince Alex to come with me so I can keep her safe. Her and her sister. We need to go now, not when May turns eighteen. The longer we wait the higher the chance something will happen to them.
God damn it, Hawk, you piece of shit, you abandoned her.
I clap my head in my hands and try to keep it from exploding. God I was so fucking stupid, fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, I could rip my own head off for this. I thought I was keeping her safe. Everything that happened to her was my own fault.
This is my fault.
I should have stood up to him before. I should have said no. I should have fought the good fight and done the right thing. My cowardice is like a blade raking my back. I was afraid of my father, of what he would do, of what he would do to her. I was ready to sacrifice my own life the instant I realized what I’d found in his office, but the thought of Alexis coming to harm was enough to silence me.
I thought she’d be safe.
I lean on the window and look out. Paradise Falls looks like a town in a snow globe. How can there be such vile things here?
What the fuck am I going to do now?
I didn’t have much of a plan, but I have exactly zero idea where to go from here. I don’t even know why I showed up here and demanded to move in. Except, of course, that I do know why. I had to be closer to Alexis. Keep an eye on her. Maybe if I knew there was something wrong I could have done something about mom.
Why won’t she leave?
She said something about overhearing my father, or something like that. With who? About what?
What in the hell is going on here?
Sprawled out on the bed, I stare up at the ceiling and try to think, but my head feels like it’s made out of mush. I can’t concentrate, can’t sleep. Alexis is directly below me, maybe six feet away and I can’t go to her.
If I’d checked up on her sooner, this would never have happened. How many times did she imagine me swooping into save her while she was in that hospital? How many times did she dream I’d bust through the door and carry her out and make it all okay again? She said it herself, she prayed and pleaded for me to return.
Every prayer unanswered was a failure. Every silent plea ignored, another black mark on my soul. The weight of my own stupidity feels like a sandbag on my chest as I sit up and confront the realization. I can make all the excuses I want, I took the easy way out.
I think if, instead of leaving that night for Philadelphia, if I’d gone to Alex and told her what was going on, she’d have come with me. Brought her sister. We could have run.
And gone where, though? My father was right. If he could call in a freaking senator for help, how was I supposed to take Alexis from his grasp? What was I supposed to do? I was eighteen years old, had no resources, no real money of my own, I was totally dependent on my parents and my mother was dead and my father a monster.
I should have killed him then. That would have been the brave thing to do.
Now what?
I have to save her. I have to get her out of this. I don’t care if she hates me. She can if she has to, but I will never allow her to be hurt again. My own life means nothing. Hers is all that matters.
I fall back on the bed and the thought of Alexis getting hurt crushes me like a fist in my chest. I can see her in my mind’s eye, confused and scared, then terrified, strapped to a locked down hospital bed with that creature standing over her.
I did that. It’s my fault.
The longer I brood, the brighter it gets outside. I still haven’t slept when the birds start chirping and I’m not going to. Rising, I walk to the window and look out.
By sheer chance, I spot Alexis. She walks out of the house in running clothes and sneakers, and stretches in the backyard. She must be going for a run. She always loved to run. On her best days, she could even outrun me.
Quickly, I slip out of my jeans that I’ve been wearing all night, fish a rumpled pair of shorts out of my bag, yank them on, and tear out of the room. I take the steps two at a time, down to the first floor, but when I get to the backyard I catch only a glimpse of Alexis bobbing down the sidewalk, picking up speed as she warms herself up. It must be shy of six in the morning yet, the sun just barely up.
I start jogging after her. She doesn’t spot me, so I hang back. I let her take the lead, her ponytail swaying back and forth as her muscular legs pump and carry her forward faster and faster. She only slows when she crosses a road.
She’s headed for the memorial park. In the northeast of Paradise Falls, the old war memorial was built to commemorate the dead from World War I; since then smaller memorials have been added for every conflict after that. My grandfather’s name is on one of the monuments; he was shot down in Korea.
Alexis runs faster as she hits the foot path that winds through the park. It’s not a big place but heavily wooded, the old trees standing sentinel over the memorial and the path that winds around their roots. As she runs, squirrels dart out of her path and up the trees, and watch me warily as I jog past them.
I should say something to her, but I just let her go. She’s totally consumed in running, oblivious to the world around her at the same time she’s tuned into the terrain, weaving around cracks and dips in the worn old walking path, glancing at the places where the path crosses itself, finding it empty. There’s no one out this early but us.
Almost no one. Alexis slows as she approaches a couple on bicycles. They slow too, and I duck off the path before they spot me, slipping behind a tree. I weave my way along the path, cro
uching in the thick brush.
Alexis jogs up to the couple and stops, panting.
There’s a man and a woman. The man I don’t know, the woman tickles my memory and I can’t place her. She’s tall for a girl, almost six feet. It takes me a second to realize how tall she actually is, only from seeing her stand next to Alexis after she dismounts the bike. She has short reddish-brown hair that looks coppery when the light catches it, and a compact, athletic build.
The man is taller still, and well built. He’s got a tiny hint of a limp but he knows how to handle himself, it’s obviously in his every movement. They both move that way, in the reserved, oddly graceful manner of people who have a lot of conditioning and training.
Then it hits me. The hair, and the thin scar on her face, threw me. The redhead is one of the teachers from when we were in school. I don’t know the man.
I’m going to, though. He looks right at me.
“You can come out now.”
I freeze, and all three of them look over. Alexis scowls at me.
Slowly I rise, holding my hands away from my sides, not quite in a gesture of surrender but carefully, to make my intentions clear. I walk slowly down the path and stop a few feet away, taking a better look at them both. The man is big. I’m not sure I could take him.
“What are you doing here?” Alexis snaps.
“I was keeping an eye on you.”
“Who are they?” I nod at the pair, feigning ignorance. Although to be fair, I don’t know the woman’s name.
“I’m Jennifer Kane. This is my husband, Jacob.”
“Okay. You are…”
“Teachers,” the man says, smirking. “Why are you following Alexis?”
I shrug. “I was keeping an eye on her.”
“He’s my stepbrother,” Alexis says, coldly. “The older one.”
Jennifer looks at her, then looks at me. Her expression is neutral but there’s a flash of something in her eyes.
“You’re the one who disappeared?”
“I don’t think this is a safe place to talk,” I say, glancing around.
“We’re fine,” the man says. “We won’t be here long.”
“I don’t have anything for you anyway,” Alexis says. “He’s been busy with the festival junk all week. I had to make all the calls to set up the carnival and hire the clowns, and get the land from the church to use, all that crap.”
Hearing Alexis say junk and crap brings a smile to my face. She was as foul-mouthed as a sailor when we were kids, at least when we were alone.
Jennifer nods at me. “Should he be hearing this?”
Alexis sighs. “I don’t know. I don’t… can we talk?”
Jennifer nods. “Come on, hon. Let’s go for a walk. Jacob, keep an eye on him.”
The big man walks over to me while Jennifer and Alexis stride away, breaking into a jog.
I look at him. He looks at me.
“Should we get into a fist fight?” I ask.
“I wouldn’t.”
“So you guys are-”
“Alexis’ younger sister, May, is in my math class. She’s very good.”
“Yeah. Must run in the family. Alexis was always talented with numbers, too.”
“I know.”
“Okay, who are you people and why are you having clandestine meetings in the woods? You realize if I followed you here, somebody else could too right?”
He cocks his head to the side and gives me an odd look, and smiles thinly.
“Yes, and if they did I’d know.”
“Maybe I wasn’t really trying to hide.”
“Suit yourself.”
I clench my jaw, and it only seems to amuse him more.
“You’re military.”
“Was. Navy. You?”
“Army.”
“Huh. I didn’t realize they stacked shit that high in the Army.”
He looks at me, and then he laughs.
Uh, crisis averted.
“So you’re her stepbrother.”
I roll my eyes. “Of all the things I want to be for her, that’s not it.”
“Walk with me.”
He starts walking, and I fall in beside him, looking at the ground.
“Jennifer was concerned about May’s behavior at school. She came to me and we weighed our options. We’re mandated reporters, you understand what that means?”
“If you suspect abuse, you have to inform the authorities.”
“Yes, but sometimes the authorities can’t help.”
I look over at him. He looks straight ahead, a faint frown on his face. Funny how he has a matching scar, same place as his wife’s.
“So what does that mean, exactly?”
“Sometimes people have to take matters into their own hands. We approached May first and had a sit down with her, privately. Then she put us in contact with Alexis. Jennifer remembered her from school, but never had her in a class. You all were too old.”
“I don’t remember you.” I’d think I would.
“I was in the shit when you were in school… Hawk, is it?”
“Yeah. My real name is Howard, but don’t call me that.”
“Noted. Alexis was wary at first, afraid she found out. Then she told us everything.”
“Everything,” I repeat.
“She loves you.”
I stop. It feels like I just walked into a knife and it’s rooted in my stomach.
“You know what I did.”
“You left town when you turned eighteen. Dad threw you out?”
“More than that.”
“Tell me.”
I look at him. He folds his arms. Damn, he’s big. Scars, too. What the hell happened to him?
“I’ll wait,” he says.
I walk over to the nearest tree and lean against it.
“She told you everything. Alexis did.”
“She told us about Dorney Park. Just the two of us, not her sister. How you couldn’t stop looking at her and she pretended to be asleep so she could, and these are her words, cuddle with you on the way home.”
I just stare at him, gaping. Then I take a deep breath.
Then I tell him.
I relate the story slowly, and he asks no questions, makes no judgement. I start with the day I was made to leave, and work my way back from there. As he nods and scratches his chin I end up blurting out more stuff, how stupid I was, how much I missed her every miserable day.
When I finish he stays quiet for a long time. He puts his hands on his hips and sighs.
“There are times in a man’s life when he does what he has to do. In the moment when all the options are laid out before us, we have to choose the right one and go for it. If you had the information you had then, and only the information you had then, what would you do?”
I scuff my boot against the ground and answer without looking at him.
“The same thing. I’d rather she be alive and safe and hate me than…” I trail off. “That doesn’t matter, I left her to-”
“She had everything set up, you said.”
“Yeah.”
“School, job, she was leaving town too.”
“Yeah. She was supposed to be gone from this place. I knew her. She’d never come back, except to help out her sister, who wasn’t far behind. I had no idea my father was even involved with her mother, as far as I knew they only met once and it was years before I left. My father hated Alexis and her family. He wanted me to stay away from her anyway.”
Jacob rolls his massive shoulders and walks to stand next to me. He looks around, his sharp eyes darting from shadow to shadow.
“You know, it’s easy to wallow in regrets. They pull you in. Become a blanket. The past is a sunk cost, kid. What matters now is what you do with the future.”
Alexis
Now
Every time I look at Jennifer, I feel a little pathetic. When she sat me down and told me what she’s been through, it makes me feel silly and stupid for my own problems. She’s so
strong, wearing the scar on her cheek like a badge of courage. Naturally I glance at her hand. She wears a glove over it all the time; right now it’s one of a matching pair of riding gloves but she always has one on.
Her left hand is a sight to see. She grabbed a knife blade to save herself and it bit down to the bone, making her fingers mostly useless. There’s a big puckered scar along the base of all her fingers, which have oddly thinned out and the skin grown close to the bone.
I don’t know how she survived that.
“How long has he been in town?”
I know who she means. She knows more about how I feel about Hawk than anybody. I told some of it to her husband but not all. It was such a relief to say something to somebody, and not May.
May annoys me with her optimism sometimes. Long after I gave up hope, she’d tell me that Hawk has to come back sometime, he has a reason, he wouldn’t just leave us. After a few arguments we just stopped talking about it. Now he is back, and I don’t know what to do.
“Since yesterday I guess,” I sigh. “That’s the first time I saw him anyway.”
I tell her what happened, about the hot dog and the alley. I don’t tell her everything but she’s smart, she’ll fill in the gaps. I don’t have to explain, she just nods.
“You feel like he betrayed you.”
“Yes,” I sigh, my chest tightening. “I hate myself for feeling that way.”
“It’s all right to feel betrayed. I can’t say I’m happy with him just up and leaving you without a word and never contacting you again.”
“You’re not?” I glance at her. “Of course you’re not. I can’t just take him back.”
“Why not?”
I stop and shrug. “How am I supposed to ever trust him again?”
“I’m not going to tell you what to do. You have to find that on your own.”
She must see the look on my face. She sighs and touches my shoulder with her bad hand.
“I know how you feel. There was a time when I couldn’t trust any man, not any one in particular. It took a lot of work for me to bring Jacob into my life. I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on anyone.”
Hawk Page 10