Born Bad

by Josephine Cox

  Wisely ignoring the reprimand, he went on, ‘You’re too much alike, you and Sammie, that’s the trouble. And if you don’t mind me saying, you should try not to argue with her, because it gives her the opportunity to argue right back.’

  ‘What? So you’re an expert on teenagers now, are you? Hmh!’

  He fell silent for a moment, remembering, filled with regrets. Then he slowly shook his head. ‘Oh, I know! Don’t you worry about that, Nancy. I know all right. I’ve made some terrible mistakes, or has your sister slipped your memory after all these years?’

  She gave a gasp of astonishment. ‘No, of course not, Dad! Believe it or not, I do think about her, from time to time.’

  Don merely nodded. ‘Truth is, I never stop thinking of her.’ The tears filled his eyes. ‘My head is bursting with questions. Where is she? What is she doing? Is she well … has she gone abroad? We don’t even know if she’s alive or dead!’ His voice broke. ‘My own child! Not yet fifteen years old, and I turned her onto the streets.’ He had been so angry with Judy and the things she had done. But two wrongs never made a right, he knew that now.

  ‘Firstly, Dad, it wasn’t you who actually turned her out,’ Nancy reminded him. ‘It was Mother.’

  ‘Maybe. But I could have put my foot down. Instead I was too busy wallowing in self-pity, asking myself how I could have brought you up right, yet made such a hash of it with your sister. I take the blame. I should have been a better father.’

  Aware that Sammie might be listening, Nancy lowered her voice. ‘No, Dad! Judy should have been a better daughter. Remember how she was?’ she urged him. ‘All right, Judy wasn’t fifteen yet, but she was older than that … in herself, in her ways. Face it, Dad. She was born bad!’

  Don sat bolt upright. ‘No! I can’t accept that. No one is born bad, especially a child of mine.’

  ‘If she wasn’t born bad, how did she get like she did? You raised us both the same. We were always treated in the same way. And yet she went and got herself pregnant. As if that wasn’t enough, she arranged an abortion … she didn’t even care about killing her own child!’

  Don laid a hand over hers. ‘Please, Nancy, don’t say that.’

  ‘Sorry, Dad, but it has to be said. I won’t have you making yourself ill over her. She was a selfish little bitch with absolutely no self-respect. Even after she was shown the door, did she try and make amends? No! Did she ever apologise to you and Mother? No! Did she change her ways and try to improve her life? No, she did not. Instead, she flaunted herself to every Tom, Dick and Harry; shaming herself, shaming the family.’

  Reluctantly, Don had to concede that. ‘But what I’m saying is, did we make her like that, by turning her out? If I’d had a more sympathetic ear and heard her side of the story, we might still have her with us.’ He shook his head sadly. ‘I should have gone after her and brought her back. I should have been more forceful about it.’

  ‘But you did go after her,’ Nancy reminded him patiently. ‘And when you found her and asked her to come home, what did she do, eh?’

  When he gave no answer, she shoved her face close to his. ‘She told you to bugger off and leave her alone,’ she hissed. ‘Said that she wanted nothing more to do with any of us. Judy disowned us! She cut us out of her life for ever. Think, Dad! Think about all the nasty things she said to you.’

  She sat back in the chair. ‘Or maybe you’ve forgotten, is that it?’

  ‘No, I haven’t forgotten. How could I? Thinking about it later, I got the feeling that she was just lashing out; that she was hurt and angry, and if she had “disowned” us like she said, we must have deserved it.’

  The pain was etched in his face. ‘Trouble was, if I had brought her back, your mother would never have let her in. At least not without a fight, and what good would that have done?’

  ‘Mother was right not to want her back,’ Nancy replied vehemently. ‘Judy was no good then and she’s no good now. I bet you wherever she is right this minute, she’ll be happily married to some idle, no-good bloke, and she’ll have a dozen kids baying at her heels.’ She gave a kind of growl. ‘If you ask me, it’s only what she deserves.’

  ‘That’s a cruel thing to say.’

  ‘Yes, but I’m right, and you know it.’

  ‘Ah, but what if you’re wrong, Nancy?’ It was his enduring fear. ‘What if right now, Judy – my daughter, your sister – is in dire need of us?’

  ‘Trust me, she isn’t.’ Nancy thought she knew her sister better than anyone. ‘Judy doesn’t need anybody! Not you, not me … not anybody! She’s a survivor. She’ll do what it takes to make sure she’s all right. For heaven’s sake, have you forgotten how she went away with your wallet and all the money in it?’

  Don rebuked her sharply. ‘I like to think she would never have done that if she wasn’t desperate.’

  ‘Oh, Dad! Will you listen to yourself? The truth is, she was the bad apple in the barrel. We all knew that. She let us all down, and as far as I’m concerned, she will never be a part of this family again.’

  She lowered her voice again. ‘You and Mother made a hard decision, but it was the only one left to you. Judy gave you no choice. And now, you have really got to stop feeling guilty.’

  He nodded, but remained silent.

  Nancy saw how it was with him, and the old jealousy rose in her. ‘Why is it you feel so mortified about Judy? But then, she was always your favourite, wasn’t she?’ Even now after all these years, she could not control her feelings. ‘If anyone’s to blame for what she did, it’s you and Mother, for spoiling her rotten and always giving in to her.’

  Don was amazed. Only now did he realise how envious Nancy had been of her sister. ‘That’s not true, and you know it,’ he snapped. ‘We always treated both you girls the same.’

  Realising she had said more than she meant to, Nancy softened her voice. ‘I’m sorry, Dad, but Judy’s gone her own way now. Mother’s gone too, but we’re still here, and we have to make the best of it, you and me, and this family.’

  ‘You’re very unforgiving, Nancy.’

  ‘Maybe it’s just that my memory is more vivid than yours.’ She wanted him to know how bitter she was. ‘I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it wasn’t Judy who triggered Mother’s illness.’

  Her remark stunned him. ‘Don’t talk nonsense!’

  ‘Oh, really?’

  Pushing back the chair, she looked at him for a moment, despising him for his weakness. When he averted his gaze, she gave an impatient snort and stood up. ‘I’d best go and see what Sammie is up to.’

  After she had stormed up the stairs for the umpteenth time, his words of advice clearly forgotten, Don remained in the chair, head in hands as he leaned over the table. ‘I don’t care what you say, Nancy,’ he murmured. ‘We let your sister down, badly.’

  Nothing and no one would ever convince him that he had done the right thing. What father would throw his daughter onto the street when, for the first time in her young life, she had turned to him for help?

  For a long time now, especially since losing his wife, Don had relived that shocking moment when he watched Judy run away down the street, sobbing uncontrollably. Even when his wife slammed the door on her, he had stood there for what seemed an age.

  At the time, he had been deadened by the news that Judy was with child. It was a terrible shock. Even so, devastating as it had been, there could be no excuse for what they did to her.

  If Judy had done wrong, then so had they.

  ‘Go on then! Run to the filth who put you with child! Let him take care of you!’ That’s what his wife shouted after Judy as she ran away from them.

  Because of pride, and shame, and the knowledge that his ‘innocent’ baby daughter was now expecting an illegitimate baby, Donald Roberts had lost all reason. He should have been strong for her, but instead, he had turned away, leaving her to flounder.

  May God forgive him.

  Outside in the garden, Sammie and her brother were gently swing
ing on the old wooden bench. Attached to a mighty branch of an elm tree by a measure of strong chain, it had long been a source of enjoyment. Even now, when they were almost grown up, it was still a favourite spot.

  ‘They’ve been arguing again,’ Sammie confided in her older brother, as she threw an old tennis ball for Lottie, the white bull terrier, to catch.

  ‘I know,’ he replied casually. ‘I heard them though I couldn’t quite hear what it was all about – something that happened a long time ago, I reckon.’ He turned his curious gaze on her. ‘Did you hear?’

  Sammie shook her head. ‘Not really. When I came out to the garden they were whispering, or at least Mother was.’ She gave it a moment’s thought. ‘Although I did hear a name. It sounded like Julie.’

  David repeated the name thoughtfully. ‘Julie, eh? And what else?’

  ‘Well, nothing really. The door was closed so it was just muffled, kinda private. Mother was angry though. When she raised her voice, Grandad had to calm her down.’

  ‘Hmh! So, what’s new?’ Their mother’s mood-swings were something they had lived with as far back as they could remember. ‘She’s always angry about something or another.’

  Sammie grinned suddenly. ‘I did hear Mother ranting on about me not having packed my case, and Grandad told her off good and proper.’

  ‘Good old Grandad!’

  ‘I think I heard her say how he wasn’t to blame himself … or something like that.’

  ‘When it comes right down to it, you really didn’t hear much of any use, did you?’ Her brother laughed. ‘You’d never make a spy, that’s for sure.’

  ‘Neither would you!’

  ‘You’re a Cloth Ears.’

  ‘Cheek!’ She gave him a push, then leaped off the swing and ran, dodging through the bushes with David in pursuit, their laughter echoing up to the house and the dog barking frantically with joy at all the excitement.

  ‘Bless their hearts.’ Don smiled as he watched them through the window. ‘What I wouldn’t give to be young like that again.’

  His heart sank as he heard Nancy’s voice cut across the garden. ‘David … Sammie!’ She spied them from a distance. ‘Oh, there you are. Your father should be on his way back by now. I hope you two are all packed and ready to leave?’

  ‘I don’t want to go,’ Sammie confided to David.

  ‘Oh Sam, please!’ David implored. ‘If you don’t come, then I won’t go either. I can’t stand Uncle Mac. It’ll be awful on my own.’

  ‘Then neither of us should go. Why don’t we stand up to them and say we’re not kids any more. We’re past making castles in the sand and all that stuff. You tell them, David.’ She smiled mischievously. ‘I’ll back you up.’

  ‘Monster!’

  ‘Coward!’

  David chased her to the house where, in spite of their pleading, Nancy sent them upstairs to collect their bags. By the time they came down, grudgingly dragging their cases, their father was home and ready to leave.

  ‘All set are you, kids?’ Big-built and homely with a mop of light-brown hair, Brian was calm in both manner and appearance.

  ‘It’s all right for you and David,’ Sammie told him. ‘You both enjoy the boats and the amusement arcade, and sitting outside the pub of a night. Mother goes walking for hours, and takes a nap while you and David go off exploring, but what is there for me to do?’

  Before he could speak, she answered her own question. ‘Nothing, that’s what. Except to wander up and down like a lost soul.’

  ‘You can always come walking with me,’ her mother butted in.

  ‘I don’t like walking.’

  ‘So, do some shopping then. Buy shoes or new make-up. You’ve got your spending money, and savings from your paper-round. Or you could just sit on the beach and relax. That’s the idea of this holiday, so we can all do whatever we like.’

  ‘Well, if we can do whatever we like, why can’t I stay here?’ When she glanced at Don across the table, he slowly shook his head, as if advising her not to argue.

  While Sammie took a minute to consider, Nancy launched into full sail. ‘For heaven’s sake, girl, don’t be so difficult! There’s a lot to do at the seaside, if only you would give it a chance. Besides, this is the only time we can all get away together. Don’t spoil it by being selfish.’

  Anticipating a full-blown row, Brian took Sammie aside. ‘Look, sweetheart, I really want you to come with us.’ He lowered his voice, ‘What with being out on the road at all hours, I see little enough of you as it is.’

  He saw the disappointment in her face, and sighed. ‘If you really are dead set against coming with us, I’m sure Grandad would look after you.’ When she opened her mouth to speak, he put a gentle finger on her lips. ‘Before you decide though, you really need to give a thought to Grandad. He moved in with us not long after he lost your grandma, and since then there’s been hardly a minute when he gets any time to himself. When you think about it, he doesn’t get much peace, does he? Oh, I know he never complains, but how many times have you seen him set out on a long walk in all weathers, for hours on end?’

  Sammie nodded. ‘I know, Dad. I’ve watched him.’

  ‘Well, it occurred to me that he might just need that kind of solitude, to think of your grandma, and to remember how it was. Sometimes we all need that little space to call our own, to clear our heads of the hustle and bustle around us; even you, when you sit out there on that swing, enjoying the peace away from everyone.’ He smoothed her wild auburn curls. ‘Do you see what I mean, pet?’

  Sammie knew exactly what he meant, because there were times when she would go upstairs to her room and lock the door, just to think, and be alone; especially when her mother was in one of her foul moods.

  She thought of what her father had said just now, and the way David had pleaded with her to go with them, and she realised how selfish she was being. Quietly collecting her case from the foot of the stairs, she asked, ‘Can you please take this to the car, Daddy? I need to talk with Grandad.’

  Relieved, he gave a ceremonious bow. ‘Whatever m’lady wishes,’ he answered stoutly, tipping his forehead in a mock-servile manner.

  Taking Nancy’s case, Brian asked David to ‘Fetch whatever needs bringing, will you, son? Then we’d best be off. We need to miss the worst of the traffic on the A5.’ Addressing Don, he told him, ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’

  ‘Oh, wait!’ Delighted that once again she had won the day, Nancy fled after her husband. ‘I forgot to clean out the boot of the car.’

  A few minutes later they were ready for off. Nancy and Brian asked Don if he was sure he’d be all right on his own. ‘I’ll be absolutely fine,’ he assured them. ‘You get off and enjoy yourselves.’

  David gave his grandad a hug. ‘Don’t go throwing wild parties while we’re away,’ he joked. ‘Loose women and booze will get you a bad name.’

  Don gave a hearty chuckle. ‘Chance would be a fine thing,’ he said, then he shoved him out the door.

  While the other three climbed into the car, Sammie threw her arms round Don’s neck. ‘Will you really be all right?’ she asked, tearfully clinging to him.

  ‘Of course I will,’ Don said. ‘I’ll get some peace, without you lot running about, arguing and moaning, and your mother going off at a tangent at every little thing.’

  ‘You’re not just saying that, are you?’

  ‘Absolutely not!’ He gave her an affectionate smile.

  Unwrapping him, she looked him in the eye. For a time the two of them were quiet, until Sammie told him, ‘I love you, Grandad. I don’t want anything to happen to you … ever!’

  Deeply emotional, Don took a deep breath. ‘Ever is a long time,’ he answered, ‘but nothing’s going to happen to me while you’re away, I promise. Satisfied now?’

  Wiping away her tears, she gave a half-smile. ‘Yes, Grandad.’

  He took her by the hand and walked with her to the car. ‘Have a lovely time, all of you.’

  Helpi
ng Sammie into the car he waved them goodbye, but as Brian drove off, with four arms sticking out of the window waving back, Don felt suddenly alone in the world. He loved his family with a passion, but he loved Sammie most of all. She was a very special person; with a beautiful and loving heart.

  He had only ever loved one other person in the same way he loved his granddaughter. She too, had been another bright and lovely creature: Judy, the daughter now estranged from him. The daughter he and the family had so deeply wronged.

  He remembered Nancy’s cruel words – ‘She’ll be all cosied up to some no-good bloke.’ In his deepest heart, and even after all she had done, he could not believe that Judy would have sunk so low.

  Collecting his cap and jacket from the hall stand, he looked at himself in the mirror there, his eyes stern with determination.

  ‘Come on, Lottie!’ Clipping the lead through the dog’s collar, he led her outside. ‘Once we’re clear of the lanes and that mad postman in his delivery van, I’ll let you loose,’ he promised.

  With the family away for a time, there was only one thought blazing in his mind.

  He had to find Judy.

  He needed to know whether his younger daughter had made good her life, and whether she had forgiven them all for their cruel treatment of her.

  Chapter Seven

  HARRY WAS MORE nervous than he had been in a long time. Having suffered a sleepless night, he felt both weary and anxious, and now as he came into Kathleen’s kitchen, he wasn’t at all sure that he had made the right decision in accepting the job at Jacobs’ Emporium.

  What if it all went wrong? What if he hated the work? What if he made a complete hash of it and nobody else would ever give him a job? What if … what if?

  Kathleen looked up as he entered. ‘Jaysus, Mary and Joseph! Sure, anyone would think you were on your way to the hangman, so they would.’

  She noted the slouch of his shoulders and the way he fidgeted nervously with his tie, and her heart went out to him. ‘Will ye just look at the state of yourself!’